hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 11:48:19 GMT -5
I understand your frustration MJ. Your mother in law is trying to be controlling. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and your MIL needs to grow up. Can you explain what apron strings you think he needs to cut? The complaint is that he was talking to his mother, but he's talking to her about HER watching THEIR kid. What's he supposed to do? Someone's gotta play mediator between these 2, and he can't just sluff off his mother when they NEED her because they can't make it financially without her help.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 8, 2012 11:48:19 GMT -5
Please let me be a good MIL. Please, please! Me too!!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 8, 2012 11:49:09 GMT -5
I skipped pages 3 - 8, because goodness knows I've got to go to work, but I did want to share that my mother pulled the same crap in regards to day care. It went from "No grandchild of mine is going to day care; how dare you not stay home" (Um, because I want to be able to eat more than top ramen everyday , mother!) to "You are taking such advantage of me by expecting me to take care of your child everyday!" So I looked for part time care. That led to "I cannot believe you don't trust me with your child." At which point I went with full time care.
Cutting the apron strings is definitely difficult--especially when one doesn't realize that's what needs to happen. It's a crappy situation. I'm sorry you're having a tough go of everything right now.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 11:52:41 GMT -5
::I really like the idea of a house cleaning or lawn care service. The appreciation is there without direct payment. ::
So she can feel like you think she keeps a sloppy house or lawn? ASK HER.
::I know you've gotten more advice than you were probably looking for, but I think I'd set up a time to have your mom watch ds and you and dh take your MIL out to dinner and the 3 of you talk about it together. Talk to dh before you go, and if needed have a discreet list so that you 2 get across what you need to. ::
Definitely corner her and then pounce. She's made it pretty clear she doesn't want to deal with Jenny. Jenny should force the issue on her because that's what you do when someone's doing you a favor..you go out of your way to make it clear you don't care what they want because it's going to be dealt with on YOUR terms.
What do you think they should talk about? There's a lot of talk about Jenny and DH making a decision and sticking with it. But it's NOT their decision. Their decision hinges on someone else doing them a favor. You don't get your way just because it's your kid. You don't get to dictate how others live because they have some relation to your child.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 8, 2012 11:59:59 GMT -5
I say corner her and make her talk directly to you like so many others have said. Your DH may be getting the message TOTALLY wrong. I mean, think of how he mangled the conversation with his mom in the 1st place.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 12:05:36 GMT -5
I understand your frustration MJ. Your mother in law is trying to be controlling. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and your MIL needs to grow up. Can you explain what apron strings you think he needs to cut? The complaint is that he was talking to his mother, but he's talking to her about HER watching THEIR kid. What's he supposed to do? Someone's gotta play mediator between these 2, and he can't just sluff off his mother when they NEED her because they can't make it financially without her help. You reach a point when your spouse becomes your chief advisor, not the mother. MIL specifically excludes DIL from any discussions. Time for DH to grow a set and confide in DW, not Mommie Dearest.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:10:34 GMT -5
::MIL specifically excludes DIL from any discussions. ::
Yes, she specifically excludes her from discussions about herself.
::Time for DH to grow a set and confide in DW, not Mommie Dearest. ::
Confide in DW about WHAT? There's nothing listed anywhere that talks about confiding in his mother about ANYTHING. The discussion was around his MOM babysitting. It's not going to do much good to discuss that with DW since DW has no say in whether mom is willing to babysit or not.
What is mom the current "chief advisor" about other than what mom is willing to do?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:12:44 GMT -5
I believe the issue is that Jen & DH discussed the plan on how to approach MIL regarding the new DC arrangement and DH did not follow the plan, thus creating a bigger rift in hers and MIL's already tenuous relationship.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 8, 2012 12:21:28 GMT -5
But the discussions are also about MJ's son, it's not just about the MIL. I don't see what's so wrong about MJ wanting to be included in conversations about/that involve her son.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:22:02 GMT -5
I believe the issue is that Jen & DH discussed the plan on how to approach MIL regarding the new DC arrangement and DH did not follow the plan, thus creating a bigger rift in hers and MIL's already tenuous relationship. My interpretation of the OP was just "why did he talk to her without me" rather than "we had some kind of plan to approach MIL". Personally I wouldn't have bothered to have her present either. Not everything is a United Nations meeting. He brought up a topic that involved her when she was around. I mean if they sat down and said "keep this quiet, let's form a plan to broach the topic with her together" then I can see an issue. I don't get the impression that happened.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:24:54 GMT -5
I saw nowhere she stated they had a plan.
She basically got pissed over her MIL stating she felt unappreciated and told her husband they where going to put DS in daycare part time.
He was talking to his mother like any other kid and just mention it in passing: that they were thinking about putting DS in daycare part time and if she was ok with that.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:25:26 GMT -5
But the discussions are also about MJ's son, it's not just about the MIL. I don't see what's so wrong about MJ wanting to be included in conversations about/that involve her son. If your babysitter doesn't want to deal with you, you have 2 options. Deal with it and let DH deal with it. OR stop using that babysitter. If you don't like the way they do things, stop using them. Though that's going to involve no longer getting it for free. MIL doesn't WANT to talk to MJ. That's her right. She can WANT to be included in the conversation all she wants, but she no right to try to force someone to talk to her who doesn't want to. Particularly when that person is doing you a favor.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2012 12:25:54 GMT -5
"My interpretation of the OP was just "why did he talk to her without me" rather than "we had some kind of plan to approach MIL".
I think some of us are benefiting because we talk to Jen offboards so we have more details than teh rest of you...they agreed (jen and dh) to put the child in daycare 2 days a week and wehn DH told MIL she freaked...instead of sticking up for his wife, dh is caving and doing what mommy wants.
I hate momma's boys and I would kick him in the ass if it were my husband.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:30:32 GMT -5
::I think some of us are benefiting because we talk to Jen offboards so we have more details than teh rest of you...they agreed (jen and dh) to put the child in daycare 2 days a week and wehn DH told MIL she freaked...instead of sticking up for his wife, dh is caving and doing what mommy wants.::
Agreeing to put the child in daycare 2 days per week is not the same as agreeing that they need some attack plan to tell MIL. And what is the issue of "sticking up for his wife". According to the story, MIL was told, she said she's not watching the kid at all if that happens...so who caved exactly? They have NO CHOICE right now because they can't afford that option. What was DH supposed to do exactly? Say "fine don't watch him at all then"? MJ is admitting they can't afford it right now.
Essentially "THEIR" plan was that they were making a decision that MIL would do X, without actually checking with her. When he told her, she said "No, I don't agree to that". What specific steps would you have him take at that point? It's not caving if you ask someone to do something for you and they say "no, i don't agree to do that".
If the issue was that MJ and DH agreed to put the kid in daycare FT and pay for it, and MIL protested and DH caved, then I would agree. There's nothing for him to cave to in this situation though, it's not his or MJ's decision when it comes to whether MIL will agree to the portion of the plan they decided FOR her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:36:35 GMT -5
Sorry but DH has no say either. If MJ and her husband wants to but their son in daycare for 2 days, they better be ready to put him in daycare full time because that is the mothers perogative.
They cannot force her to watch the kids 3 days just because they want to or is convenient to them.
Put up or shut up; simple. In this case, pay for full day care or just deal with t because the MIL has already made her stand known: either full time or nothing at all.
Ball is in their camp.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:37:39 GMT -5
Sorry but DH has no say either. If MJ and her husband wants to but their son in daycare for 2 days, they better be ready to put him in daycare full time because that is the mothers perogative. They cannot force her to watch the kids 3 days just because they want to or is convenient to them. Put up or shut up; simple. In this case, pay for full day care or just deal with t because the MIL has already made her stand known: either full time or nothing at all. Ball is in their camp.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:38:22 GMT -5
::Sorry but DH has no say either. ::
Right, there's nothing to "cave" on when neither MJ or DH have any real say, because they don't have the finances to bypass others in their planning.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 8, 2012 12:42:26 GMT -5
::I really like the idea of a house cleaning or lawn care service. The appreciation is there without direct payment. :: So she can feel like you think she keeps a sloppy house or lawn? ASK HER. ::I know you've gotten more advice than you were probably looking for, but I think I'd set up a time to have your mom watch ds and you and dh take your MIL out to dinner and the 3 of you talk about it together. Talk to dh before you go, and if needed have a discreet list so that you 2 get across what you need to. :: Definitely corner her and then pounce. She's made it pretty clear she doesn't want to deal with Jenny. Jenny should force the issue on her because that's what you do when someone's doing you a favor..you go out of your way to make it clear you don't care what they want because it's going to be dealt with on YOUR terms. What do you think they should talk about? There's a lot of talk about Jenny and DH making a decision and sticking with it. But it's NOT their decision. Their decision hinges on someone else doing them a favor. You don't get your way just because it's your kid. You don't get to dictate how others live because they have some relation to your child. Yes Hoops--I TOTALLY meant that MJ shouldn't ask her MIL and should railroad her into a service she doesn't want. And secondly, having a game of telephone of mj to dh to MIL back to dh to mj isn't working. It makes more sense for them to all talk together since it affects every single one of them. Yes, MIL is doing them a huge favor in which case she gets a huge vote in what happens. But if the message is getting confused, then a new method is needed, and my suggestion on that is for them all to talk together. Over a dinner out that mj and dh take mil to as a token of their appreciation. Weren't you the one flaming qofcc for NOT talking directly to her stepson when she knew that her dh couldn't communicate the correct message?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 8, 2012 12:46:19 GMT -5
I seriously doubt that MIL really wants all or nothing in child care. Obviously I could be wrong, but it sounds more like an emotional reaction because of how it was brought up.
I wouldn't alienate MIL and go to full time daycare before they're ready because of a miscommunication without even TRYING to talk about it again.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 8, 2012 12:46:30 GMT -5
There was your first mistake right there. Don't ever tempt fate like that, she's an evil bitch and has a long memory.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:46:55 GMT -5
status quo it is, then.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:47:25 GMT -5
I am very thankful that my Father and my Father-In-Law do all of our daycare. That way we avoid all of the women drama.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:52:10 GMT -5
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 12:53:57 GMT -5
::Weren't you the one flaming qofcc for NOT talking directly to her stepson when she knew that her dh couldn't communicate the correct message? ::
Yep, but SHE was the one in the position of authority in that case. In this case it's MIL. And if MIL were posting about having a problem I'd tell her to speak directly to MJ. SHOULD MIL want to talk to MJ and figure things out? Absolutely. But if she won't, cornering her and making it clear that you don't care about what she wants (caring what she wants meaning forcing her into a conversation she doesn't want to have with MJ specifically) even though it's in regards to the favor she's doing you isn't likely to be a good way to handle the situation.
::Yes Hoops--I TOTALLY meant that MJ shouldn't ask her MIL and should railroad her into a service she doesn't want.::
You're proposing she railroad her into a conversation she doesn't want to have. And a conversation related to a favor she's doing for them. And people ARE suggesting (whether you are or not I'm not sure) that she "corner" (their words) MIL into that conversation.
I suggested that rather than corner her into a conversation MIL has made it clear she does not want to have, that MJ work it into a conversation MIL DOES want to have.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 12:55:55 GMT -5
I suggested that rather than corner her into a conversation MIL has made it clear she does not want to have, that MJ work it into a conversation MIL DOES want to have. I'm not seeing a big difference between the two.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 8, 2012 13:00:10 GMT -5
You know, my DH felt this way when my parents visited. We had just moved into our new house which needed some work and I was pregnant, so they tried to help. Problem is, they talked to me and not DH, and assumed that I was properly communicating with DH. I didn't, so DH felt like he was being sidelined in his own house and it caused a series of fights.
I have to wonder if the reason the MIL isn't communicating with MJ is because she's making the same assumptions my parents did and her husband is as bad a communicator as I am.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 13:00:25 GMT -5
I suggested that rather than corner her into a conversation MIL has made it clear she does not want to have, that MJ work it into a conversation MIL DOES want to have. I'm not seeing a big difference between the two. You said she's ok with talking about fun, happy things. Do you think she wants to have a sit-down lunch to discuss the problems you guys are having? Do you think she's going to be receptive to that? On the flip side, do you think she'd be receptive to you guys picking DS up and chatting for a moment about a recent play date and how much DS loves playing with other babies? The way you describe her, this isn't a one-time sit down meeting. This is selling her gradually on the idea and making sure she understands that the reasoning has nothing to do with her.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 13:04:08 GMT -5
::I have to wonder if the reason the MIL isn't communicating with MJ is because she's making the same assumptions my parents did and her husband is as bad a communicator as I am. ::
If this is the case, I think it's a much easier solution. From the way MJ talks though, I get the impression MIL just specifically doesn't want to talk to MJ about problems. She probably feels a lot more comfortable talking to her actual family about problems, she doesn't risk a fight with them, you can tell your family problems you have with them a lot more openly sometimes than you can tell some in-law who you may or may not actually like.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Aug 8, 2012 13:12:46 GMT -5
Please let me be a good MIL. Please, please! Me too!! I hope I am (please God!). One DIL calls me all the time for stuff, the other one rarely although she seems to enjoy talking to me. We offer to babysit all the time but she rarely takes us up on it and I'm not sure why. Instead she asks her sister to babysit even when we've already asked. Maybe I'm not as good as an MIL as I thought?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 13:15:13 GMT -5
She probably asks her sister because she'd rather bother her family instead of being a bother to her in-laws.
I have 4 sisters and only 1 set of in-laws, so I'd go though my rotation of sisters before I'd bother them.
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