thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 15:05:28 GMT -5
Dark - My oldest will be 10 next week, and co-sleeping was a thing back then.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 15:06:40 GMT -5
It takes two to tango. And maybe I'm taking your posts more harshly than I should, since I'm one of those hyper-literal women who can't take a hint... but I'd be pretty damn pissed if DH retreated to the couch voluntarily, told me he thought co-sleeping was fine, and then blamed me for not paying enough attention to him because I was busy with the baby. I also take offense reading his posts because my DH sleeps on the couch routinely not because of anything I do. He finds it more comfortable. So, we have had to find another way to deal with staying connected. Honestly it wouldn't matter if he slept in the same bed as me anyway because I go to bed earlier than him and I get up earlier than him. Other than when I am nursing, I am nonfunctional in the middle of the night and he is anti-hankypanky in the morning. Neither of us wanted to have sex when we had a new baby. Neither of us got enough sleep. Really if you are finding time to cheat with a new baby, you are not doing enough to help around the house.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:07:10 GMT -5
I was gonna say... My siblings are in their early 20s and I remember my mom and aunt discussing co-sleeping when they were little. It may have had a different name, but it was definitely a "thing," even back then...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:07:49 GMT -5
And yet look at the women in here saying that the baby isn't going to impact their relationship with their husbands in the first place.
Well I can't exactly know how the kid is going to affect our lives until the kid is actually here. Besides the tap dances on my bladder she didn't really have much of an affect on my life while in utero.
I don't know what kind of kid I will get till she gets here.
Again if you are going to take that I couldn't predict and inform you exactly how our marriage would change once the kid arrived as permission to run around then you are an immature brat.
No he did not get regular tail, we did not have regular couple time, there were days when we only saw each other as we headed to bed.
We put our marriage first by being adults and speaking up when there was a problem. We did our best to work on our issues and change things rather than give up and go looking someplace else.
If my husband takes that what I said when pregnant doesn't 100% match reality when the kid is here as permission to be a passive aggressive asshole or worse cheat on me, then he isn't the man that I thought he was.
He is a little boy having a tantrum because shit happens and he can't adapt.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:08:02 GMT -5
18 months later the dude hasn't spent 2 hours alone with his wife in over 6 months, practically the only time they talk is to argue about who's turn it is to change a diaper, and their little bundle of joy spends more time crying, making a mess, trying to take a header off whatever piece of furniture they can climb on, or swallow every dangerous object within 20 yards than they do being cute and cuddly while you all snuggle and watch a movie. So a first time parent is a little over-optimistic about how much time they'll be able to devote to their partner, reality hits, they're both neck-deep in newborn life, and that's somehow the wife's fault? Also, I'm not saying the baby won't impact my relationship at all. I'm not an idiot Maybe this is clearer: I fully intend to make DH a priority. I fully intend to get more than two hours alone with him sometimes. That's why babysitters were invented. But I also expect our relationship to change. And it is NOT JUST MY JOB to maintain it. It's BOTH our jobs.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:09:29 GMT -5
How cute... you think we didn't argue about it while ours were little. Sad to say, these aren't the perfect parents you're looking for. The problem is that cosleeping is wicked convenient for a breast feeding mom and the baby. It CAN be a total pain in the ass for the dad though. So, as a good father should I insist that my newborn and frazzled new mom inconvenience themselves so that I can snuggle with my wife while I sleep, or should I suck it up and do whatever is best for the baby? It seems like an easy decision right? A month later while your getting settled in on the couch you can't help but feel like you're getting the shitty end of this deal though.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:11:49 GMT -5
And yet look at the women in here saying that the baby isn't going to impact their relationship with their husbands in the first place.
This bears repeating: WHO said that?! I don't think any woman on here is naive enough to think that their relationship won't be impacted after a new baby. The closest I came to saying that was saying that continuing to sleep in the same bed with my husband was a priority for me. Which is is. That hardly translates to "we're going to have the same relationship we have now and it'll be just dandy."
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:12:26 GMT -5
How cute indeed. Men definitely get the raw end of the deal when it comes to having babies. What's 9+ months of having your body taken hostage vs. a couch spring in the ass?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 15:12:28 GMT -5
My kids are over a decade old. Nobody had ever even heard of cosleeping when ours were little. Cosleeping is nothing new. It is estimated that over 60% of american families cosleep on regular basis when their kids were little. People are just talking about it now.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 15:13:15 GMT -5
A month later while your getting settled in on the couch you can't help but feel like you're getting the shitty end of this deal though. Which is one of the many conversations about realigning priorities that I'm assuming you and Loop got through since you're still going strong 10 years later.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:13:18 GMT -5
Once the kiddo got into that habit it grew, our bed didn't, and the best way for all of us to sleep was with me in a different room.
K, so explain to me again how that translates into your wife pushing you away and creating distance between you guys.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:14:23 GMT -5
So, as a good father should I insist that my newborn and frazzled new mom inconvenience themselves so that I can snuggle with my wife while I sleep, or should I suck it up and do whatever is best for the baby?
But that is not what you said. You said it gives the dad will resent the mother and eventually cheat.
You did not say you did it because it was what was best for the circumstances. If that is the case you still CHOSE to sleep on the couch.
I offered many many times to give up breastfeeding because I was just as sick of the sexual problems as he was. However HE told me to stick with it and reach my goal of 12 months because it was important to HIM too.
Sure it sucked donkey ball and was incredibly frustrating, but DH was the one that encouraged me to keep going. He's a total asshole if the netire time he was really hoping I'd give it up and just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:14:24 GMT -5
You guys, and you specifically, blew my first statement way out of proportion so I thought I'd return the favor.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:16:56 GMT -5
So, as a good father should I insist that my newborn and frazzled new mom inconvenience themselves so that I can snuggle with my wife while I sleep, or should I suck it up and do whatever is best for the baby? It seems like an easy decision right? A month later while your getting settled in on the couch you can't help but feel like you're getting the shitty end of this deal though. DH and I had disagreements a lot about this. He would say he needed attention too, I would say that a baby needs a lot more attention than a capable adult, he would say that my super focus on DS was hurting his ability to bond with our kid because of resentment and other issues. It took us awhile to figure it out, especially because in the beginning we assumed that things would go back to normal. For some reason we didn't understand that we were going to have to create a new normal.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 18, 2012 15:16:59 GMT -5
Once the kiddo got into that habit it grew, our bed didn't, and the best way for all of us to sleep was with me in a different room. K, so explain to me again how that translates into your wife pushing you away and creating distance between you guys. Did he say that she pushed him away? I took his posts to say that the circumstances created a distance between them. They both made the choice and as a result, he wasn't as happy as he thought he'd be, and it was a little too late to fix it then. I'd be resentful too. Kudos to Dark for being honest.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:17:39 GMT -5
It CAN be a total pain in the ass for the dad though. So, as a good father should I insist that my newborn and frazzled new mom inconvenience themselves so that I can snuggle with my wife while I sleep, or should I suck it up and do whatever is best for the baby? It seems like an easy decision right? A month later while your getting settled in on the couch you can't help but feel like you're getting the shitty end of this deal though.
I swear, this is exactly how I feel when I'm reading a Tom Perrotta novel*. Reading his version of the "male experience" always makes me slightly paranoid that maybe all men really ARE dissatisfied with the wife & kids picture EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY WANT IT and they just never say anything because they're afraid of getting their balls ripped off or whatever.
*For those who never have, his protagonists tend to be INCREDIBLY passive aggressive men who routinely blame their wives and children for "trapping" them into a certain lifestyle but NEVER say anything even remotely close to that effect to the women in question, so the only way she would ever know he felt that way is if she was psychic.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:18:31 GMT -5
What DQ said.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:19:09 GMT -5
I offered many many times to give up breastfeeding because I was just as sick of the sexual problems as he was. However HE told me to stick with it and reach my goal of 12 months because it was important to HIM too.
Sure it sucked donkey ball and was incredibly frustrating, but DH was the one that encouraged me to keep going. He's a total asshole if the netire time he was really hoping I'd give it up and just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. DH supported me in bf'ing and a lot of other things, loved DS and took great care of him, but still felt resentment and estrangement. I feel like I was fooled. I thought men were supposed to be simple.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:19:14 GMT -5
"Why is it all the women's fault if the marriage is struggling? Isn't that the theme--that the wife forgot her wifely duties and that sunk the marriage? No mention of husbands that only change 1 diaper a day, and forget to let wife have some child and spouse free moments." My STBX does exactly that, except it is 1 diaper a week or even longer and all of a sudden he thinks he is the dad of the century! When my mom was here, he was bitching about how we "locked up" the baby in the room (which was not the case at all) and so I started hand delivering the baby to him and he would just look for ways to give him back within 15 minutes or just put him on his leg while he played on the computer! I have never ignored him, never let the baby affect our intimacy, never once turned him down for sex (in fact I have complained about not having enough), ... but we are still divorcing and he blames me for the divorce! Because I ran out and hired a lawyer as he puts it. If the couple does not have good communication, baby, no baby, sex, no sex, co-sleeping, whatever is not going to save the marriage. If the couple has good communication, I don't see any of those becoming an issue.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 18, 2012 15:19:38 GMT -5
And yet look at the women in here saying that the baby isn't going to impact their relationship with their husbands in the first place. The guy can feel like he get lied too to a certain extent. "Don't worry honey we'll still spend lots of time together and you'll still be a priority even after the little one arrives." 18 months later the dude hasn't spent 2 hours alone with his wife in over 6 months, practically the only time they talk is to argue about who's turn it is to change a diaper, and their little bundle of joy spends more time crying, making a mess, trying to take a header off whatever piece of furniture they can climb on, or swallow every dangerous object within 20 yards than they do being cute and cuddly while you all snuggle and watch a movie. Dark should give speeches to teens on what parenting is really like. Teen pregnancies should go down quick.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:20:01 GMT -5
I never said that the wife is pushing her husband away. I said it can happen. When it does, it can be a total PITA to change the baby's habits, some women won't want too because Dr. Sears it's best for the baby and hubby just needs to suck it up, and at that point and only that point she's choosing to push her husband away to focus on the baby. Don't be shocked if he chooses to do something that she won't like in return. That's all I'm saying.
Look, you want to spend 18 years with your kid sleeping smack in between you guys, and it works for your family, great. Knock yourself out. I think that's a little extreme and weird, but whatever. I personally don't see any benefit you get from having the kid in your bed, other than both parents sleeping a lot lighter, and waking up more often. Neither of those sound like benefits to me. If you really absolutely just can't stand the thought of being more than 12 feet away from your baby for any length of time, then do whatever. As long as everyone is on board, and stays on board, you're all good.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 18, 2012 15:20:18 GMT -5
"Why is it all the women's fault if the marriage is struggling? Isn't that the theme--that the wife forgot her wifely duties and that sunk the marriage? No mention of husbands that only change 1 diaper a day, and forget to let wife have some child and spouse free moments." My STBX does exactly that, except it is 1 diaper a week or even longer and all of a sudden he thinks he is the dad of the century! When my mom was here, he was bitching about how we "locked up" the baby in the room (which was not the case at all) and so I started hand delivering the baby to him and he would just look for ways to give him back within 15 minutes or just put him on his leg while he played on the computer! I have never ignored him, never let the baby affect our intimacy, never once turned him down for sex (in fact I have complained about not having enough), ... but we are still divorcing and he blames me for the divorce! Because I ran out and hired a lawyer as he puts it. If the couple does not have good communication, baby, no baby, sex, no sex, co-sleeping, whatever is not going to save the marriage. If the couple has good communication, I don't see any of those becoming an issue. Your STBX is a special breed of stupid.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:21:06 GMT -5
DH didn't like the problems that BF-ing caused and he was honest with me about it. I really hope he wasn't thinking about cheating on me/resenting all that time he was insisting that while it was a sucky situation he was an adult and could handle a dry spell for awhile.
I didn't expect it to last that long and if it had become a serious bone of contention she would have been on formula that very day. But we slogged thru it and once I stopped BF-ing the engines revved back up to pre-baby levels.
I just don't get this idea that if he cheats on me I shouldn't be surprised. If he's saying that he accepts the situation as it stands why would I have any inclination that he would cheat on me because of it?
If we ever have another I am not breastfeeding. I don't find the health benefits worth the damage it did to my sex life and my marriage.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 15:21:08 GMT -5
What swamp said.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:21:49 GMT -5
You guys, and you specifically, blew my first statement way out of proportion so I thought I'd return the favor.
How did I blow it out of proportion? You talked about being "relegated to the couch," then you wrote a long paragraph about how women are 100% focused on their babies from the moment they get pregnant and maybe sometimes they should look up and notice the man in the house, particularly at night. You capped it off by warning us that if we don't pay attention to our partners, they might look elsewhere.
So to me, the post went like this: 1) co-sleeping caused my wife to push me out of bed and forget my existence because she was too busy with the baby --> 2) women tend to do this --> 3) it's the woman's fault when there is distance between a couple with a newborn.
Serious question, what part of that did I misunderstand?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 15:23:12 GMT -5
Got a rocket In my pocket
Just play it cool boy!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 18, 2012 15:23:40 GMT -5
I think what's being said is that if your husband told you how unhappy he is with the situation when he intiallly was on board with it, but after the plan was executed he didn't like it, and then you told him to suck it when he told you he didn't like it and wanted to change the game plan, that's when you shouldn't be surpised if he cheats.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:24:29 GMT -5
I never said that the wife is pushing her husband away. I said it can happen.
I'm sure it CAN, the part I don't understand is how it happens from the following scenario:
1. Couple agrees to co-sleep.
2. Co-sleeping is not going well with all three of them in the bed. Instead of giving up altogether, husband starts sleeping on the couch occasionally.
3. Husband reassures wife he's fine with this scenario and he just wants what's best for the baby.
4. Three months later, there's some distance between the couple.
How in the hell is that scenario the woman's fault?! If the man doesn't speak up and TELL HER that he is feeling disconnected and wants to sleep with her again, how is she supposed to know?! And how indeed does that translate into her "pushing him away"?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:25:16 GMT -5
See, that, I agree with. But I don't think that's what he said, at least not in his original post.
And if the guy expresses frustration (as Anne, DQ, and others have discussed) BUT also says, "keep at it," should the woman take that at face value or instead assume that she's giving him carte blanche to cheat?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:25:23 GMT -5
"Your STBX is a special breed of stupid. "
Yep. He has complained about me breastfeeding. He has complained that the baby has no schedule, which he does, it just doesn't work around the schedule STBX wanted (whenever was convenient for him). He has told me we had agreed for me to be a SAHM (he is talking about my maternity leave) and that I was supposed to do everything then, neglecting the fact that I was working from home so I could provide health insurance for the baby and the only reason i was able to stay home even the little time was because I planned and saved! I love when he bitches about having to work at 5:30 am when I have to get up at the same time or earlier with the baby, feed him, get ready, get him ready, pump and take him to daycare and then work til 5 then pick him up and STBX is done at 2 pm and goes home and sleeps. I am counting down the days to my move!!!
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