NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:25:43 GMT -5
I think what's being said is that if your husband told you how unhappy he is with the situation when he intiallly was on board with it, but after the plan was executed he didn't like it, and then you told him to suck it when he told you he didn't like it and wanted to change the game plan, that's when you shouldn't be surpised if he cheats
If that's the proper translation then that makes sense.
That's not what I read but it isn't the first time I haven't translanted the context of a post right.
Gwen would have been on formula the moment DH said "this isn't working, let's stop". But it was REALLY important to him that I keep going, so Idid.
I won't be doing it again though and he backs me up 100%. If we have another kid it's formula from day one.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 15:27:10 GMT -5
DH and I had disagreements a lot about this. He would say he needed attention too, I would say that a baby needs a lot more attention than a capable adult, he would say that my super focus on DS was hurting his ability to bond with our kid because of resentment and other issues. It took us awhile to figure it out, especially because in the beginning we assumed that things would go back to normal. For some reason we didn't understand that we were going to have to create a new normal.
Then why didn't he just step up and help out with the baby more?
I get being relegated to "oh we don't need you". My DH will do that with DS on occaison, but I still step up and do it because it is my child too. I'm not just a paycheck for my DH and DS. But there are times I have to actively insert myself into "their" life together. Sure I could have sat on the sidelines and be pissed and mad that no one gave me any attention or I could get in there and help.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:28:09 GMT -5
Thanks swamp, for this and the other post. Sometimes I start to feel like I'm speaking a different language or something, but at least you're understanding what I'm saying.
To everyone else, yes I'm a sexist, passive aggressive, asshole, that was looking for any opportunity to my wife and hook up with some bubble headed 18 year old. So I lied to her constantly, then blamed her for believing me, and used that as an excuse to get out. All men do it, all women are stupid and fall for it, and all your marriages are doomed if you procreate. Since that's all you're going to hear no matter what I say, I figure I'll save us all some time and just say it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 18, 2012 15:29:14 GMT -5
I speak fluent douchebag.
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on Jul 18, 2012 15:29:16 GMT -5
What Dark hasn't mentioned is that the only reason co-sleeping started in our house was because he had to go to basic training with 3 weeks of our eldest being born. I had an empty bed and nobody to help at night for almost 3 months... co-sleeping was easiest. By the time we could live together again, it was a PITA to go back to crib sleeping... I regretted that initial decision for 2 years. She still doesn't like sleeping alone and she's almost 12 Luckily, we gave her a sister to handle that for us.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:29:54 GMT -5
I think what's being said is that if your husband told you how unhappy he is with the situation when he intiallly was on board with it, but after the plan was executed he didn't like it, and then you told him to suck it when he told you he didn't like it and wanted to change the game plan, that's when you shouldn't be surpised if he cheats.
That's not what he said in his first post. I have no problem with the idea that when your spouse TELLS you there's a problem, you ought to pay very, very close attention to that and not just tell you to "suck it up buttercup."
What he actually SAID, though, was this:
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:30:05 GMT -5
At least in my household the rest of the steps looked like this;
5. DH says, honey I miss you, come back to bed.
6. wife comes to bed, no one can sleep because the baby is there, or alternately, wife doesn't sleep because the baby isn't there and she's anxious
7. couple decides sleep is more important than anything right then because they are exhausted
8. distance grows, baby throws larger hissy fit every time they get put in the crib, and because they are still exhausted mom does whatever she can to snag a few hours while bf'ing around the clock
9. DH says, I miss my best friend and I'm starting to get mad at the baby because every time he cries it takes priority over everything, including my existence.
10. wife says - you're 30 and the baby needs me for everything and this is temporary
11. DH - it's been a year. How the hell did that happen? What happened to 2009? Holy shit, we have a black president.
12. we figure things out.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:30:34 GMT -5
The fact that half the people responding on this thread read your post in the same way might indicate that the problem is with the delivery, not the message itself.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:31:57 GMT -5
To everyone else, yes I'm a sexist, passive aggressive, asshole, that was looking for any opportunity to my wife and hook up with some bubble headed 18 year old. So I lied to her constantly, then blamed her for believing me, and used that as an excuse to get out. All men do it, all women are stupid and fall for it, and all your marriages are doomed if you procreate. Since that's all you're going to hear no matter what I say, I figure I'll save us all some time and just say it.
Oh for God's sake, nobody thinks that and nobody thinks you said that. We're all reacting to what you said in that first post on the topic.
I can accept that possibly we misunderstood what you meant, but if THIS MANY of us misunderstood what you meant, maybe it's time to consider the possibility that you worded your initial post badly and it's time to say something like "I didn't mean it that way, here's what I should have said."
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:32:14 GMT -5
MIDGETOUTOFMYGENERALBRAINSPACE!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:32:25 GMT -5
Then why didn't he just step up and help out with the baby more?
He helped a lot. DH held DS for hours while DS screaming. He held DS while he was screaming and I was pumping. He changed plenty of diapers. But we also had very different ideas of how much/what kind of care DS needed and when I perceived a gap I was the one to fill it.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:32:58 GMT -5
MIDGETOUTOFMYGENERALBRAINSPACE!!! ;D It's so cozy, though!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:35:40 GMT -5
At least in my household the rest of the steps looked like this; 5. DH says, honey I miss you, come back to bed. 6. wife comes to bed, no one can sleep because the baby is there, or alternately, wife doesn't sleep because the baby isn't there and she's anxious 7. couple decides sleep is more important than anything right then because they are exhausted 8. distance grows, baby throws larger hissy fit every time they get put in the crib, and because they are still exhausted mom does whatever she can to snag a few hours while bf'ing around the clock 9. DH says, I miss my best friend and I'm starting to get mad at the baby because every time he cries it takes priority over everything, including my existence. 10. wife says - you're 30 and the baby needs me for everything and this is temporary 11. DH - it's been a year. How the hell did that happen? What happened to 2009? Holy shit, we have a black president. 12. we figure things out. And to me, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable ending. The part I like is where HE communicated and YOU communicated and you both agreed it sucked and then you got through it anyway.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 18, 2012 15:37:13 GMT -5
"Why is it all the women's fault if the marriage is struggling? Isn't that the theme--that the wife forgot her wifely duties and that sunk the marriage? No mention of husbands that only change 1 diaper a day, and forget to let wife have some child and spouse free moments." My STBX does exactly that, except it is 1 diaper a week or even longer and all of a sudden he thinks he is the dad of the century! When my mom was here, he was bitching about how we "locked up" the baby in the room (which was not the case at all) and so I started hand delivering the baby to him and he would just look for ways to give him back within 15 minutes or just put him on his leg while he played on the computer! I have never ignored him, never let the baby affect our intimacy, never once turned him down for sex (in fact I have complained about not having enough), ... but we are still divorcing and he blames me for the divorce! Because I ran out and hired a lawyer as he puts it. If the couple does not have good communication, baby, no baby, sex, no sex, co-sleeping, whatever is not going to save the marriage. If the couple has good communication, I don't see any of those becoming an issue. Your STBX is a special breed of stupid. Amen Swamp.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 15:38:07 GMT -5
My husband was MIA for professional reasons during my second preganancy. I started sleeping with my first kid, who was just moving from crib to bed. It was just easy for me to lay down with her to help her calm down, but I was so tired (from having a two year old, a job and being pregnant) that I would fall asleep. It was a rough transition, but we cold-turkied her a few months later.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:38:27 GMT -5
Jesus people, it's not that hard.
Let's go in order.
We never agreed to anything, we never discussed it beforehand. We both figured she'd be fine in her crib.
Co-sleeping was never part of the plan in the first place, but ended up happening anyway. Occasionally at first, then more and more as the baby got used to it. By the time it was a problem, the easiest solution was for me to start sleeping on the couch, which I was more or less fine with at first. I'd have rather been in my bed, but not if that meant having a baby freak out all night, and my already exhausted wife laying awake next to me miserable.
Which was true when I said it.
You left off the and no end in sight on the co-sleeping thing, so now the husband is definitely no longer OK with it.
Up to this point it's not. You forgot number 5 though: 5. Husband tells wife he's not spending the next 3 years bunking on the couch like some friend that came over for a party and drank too much to drive home. It's time to get the kid out of the bed.
6. Wife tells husband that it's just easier for everyone the way it is and he's just going to have to man up and deal with it until baby outgrows the sleeping in bed stage.
7. 6 months later husband is still sleeping on the couch, still feeling like wife is only focused on baby, and really misses physical contact with another human being at night.
8. 3 months later they're both in divorce court because wife didn't take too kindly to husband's mistress.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:38:49 GMT -5
MIDGETOUTOFMYGENERALBRAINSPACE!!! ;D It's so cozy, though! You know what, I think the problem is that women are supposed to be psychic and pick up on all these little cues, and you and I are freaks who don't understand that concept and get all confuzzled when someone says "sure honey that's fine" and months later says "I was NEVER fine with that, I was hoping you'd realize when I said I was fine with it that I really wasn't!"
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 15:40:44 GMT -5
At least in my household the rest of the steps looked like this; 5. DH says, honey I miss you, come back to bed. 6. wife comes to bed, no one can sleep because the baby is there, or alternately, wife doesn't sleep because the baby isn't there and she's anxious 7. couple decides sleep is more important than anything right then because they are exhausted 8. distance grows, baby throws larger hissy fit every time they get put in the crib, and because they are still exhausted mom does whatever she can to snag a few hours while bf'ing around the clock 9. DH says, I miss my best friend and I'm starting to get mad at the baby because every time he cries it takes priority over everything, including my existence. 10. wife says - you're 30 and the baby needs me for everything and this is temporary
11. DH - it's been a year. How the hell did that happen? What happened to 2009? Holy shit, we have a black president.
12. we figure things out.[/quote] Anne--I have absolutely loved your posts!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 18, 2012 15:41:44 GMT -5
Thanks swamp, for this and the other post. Sometimes I start to feel like I'm speaking a different language or something, but at least you're understanding what I'm saying. To everyone else, yes I'm a sexist, passive aggressive, asshole, that was looking for any opportunity to my wife and hook up with some bubble headed 18 year old. So I lied to her constantly, then blamed her for believing me, and used that as an excuse to get out. All men do it, all women are stupid and fall for it, and all your marriages are doomed if you procreate. Since that's all you're going to hear no matter what I say, I figure I'll save us all some time and just say it. Hey, I gave you karma for the post that started this portion of the discussion. Guess I'm chopped liver... <Beth stalks off muttering about Dark forgetting her>
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 18, 2012 15:42:47 GMT -5
I love when he bitches about having to work at 5:30 am when I have to get up at the same time or earlier with the baby, feed him, get ready, get him ready, pump and take him to daycare and then work til 5 then pick him up and STBX is done at 2 pm and goes home and sleeps. Ha! I married a guy like that. You'll find it funny when he starts bitching about stuff he now has to do to be an adult on his own. Ex bitches about having to use "fun" money on paying bills (all his income should be spent on fun in his eyes). Ex also bitches that his friends come over & eat all his food & take his stuff. Hmmm, they used to do the same thing at our house. Ex once didn't understand why I was pissed when he gave an entire jumbo box of diapers to a friend who "needed them". But, suddenly when they are eating his food & taking his TP, he gets it - it is hella annoying to have to do extra shopping & spend extra money to support mooches.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:43:40 GMT -5
5. Husband tells wife he's not spending the next 3 years bunking on the couch like some friend that came over for a party and drank too much to drive home. It's time to get the kid out of the bed.
6. Wife tells husband that it's just easier for everyone the way it is and he's just going to have to man up and deal with it until baby outgrows the sleeping in bed stage.
7. 6 months later husband is still sleeping on the couch, still feeling like wife is only focused on baby, and really misses physical contact with another human being at night.
8. 3 months later they're both in divorce court because wife didn't take too kindly to husband's mistress
Well if you get to steps 5-8 then you probably didn't have that great of a marriage to begin with.
Cause we've never hit points 5-8 and we've been thru plenty of that parenting crap that is supposed to "breed resentment and drive you apart" according to other parents.
And since you and Loop are still married 10 years later I have a feeling that you didn't either.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 15:44:08 GMT -5
Up to this point it's not. You forgot number 5 though: 5. Husband tells wife he's not spending the next 3 years bunking on the couch like some friend that came over for a party and drank too much to drive home. It's time to get the kid out of the bed.
6. Wife tells husband that it's just easier for everyone the way it is and he's just going to have to man up and deal with it until baby outgrows the sleeping in bed stage.
7. 6 months later husband is still sleeping on the couch, still feeling like wife is only focused on baby, and really misses physical contact with another human being at night.
8. 3 months later they're both in divorce court because wife didn't take too kindly to husband's mistress.
That makes 100x more sense than anything else you've said so far. But what about 6.5 when the husband agrees (like DQ's husband) that even though it sucks, yeah, it IS easier for everyone this way?
The way you talk about it, the husband is walking on eggshells trying not to upset his wife, so he never tells her that the plan isn't working for him anymore until it's too late and/or there's no viable alternative at that particular moment and nothing she can really do about it. Both of which make it seem like her fault for not fixing it sooner.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:45:15 GMT -5
But what about 6.5 when the husband agrees (like DQ's husband) that even though it sucks, yeah, it IS easier for everyone this wayHe was secretly resenting me and shopping around for Gwen's new mommy.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:46:00 GMT -5
Yeah, I think so too. I'm glad I've mostly trained DH out of that. The first few times it happened I seriously wondered about my own sanity - "Did you NOT tell me it was OK? And now you're telling me I should have known you really meant it wasn't OK because you said it in a different tone of voice? Say what now?" And my comprehension skills go WAY downhill when I'm sleep-deprived, so I may have to show DH this thread as a "what not to do" tutorial. Of course, I'm a weirdo who - upon hearing that DH is not satisfied with some aspect of our marriage - tries to work with him to fix things, not tell him to GTFO.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 15:46:48 GMT -5
I also think there are a TON of parenting issues that could have this exact same timeline. It is NOT co-sleeping alone. (And totally aside, but ds will not still be in our bed at 18--exaggerate much?)
I don't know of a single couple except for my parents that think the baby/toddler years were easy on their marriage. As for my parents I think they're pod people to be so freaking perfect.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:47:23 GMT -5
We didn't, but those magical baby years where everything is rainbows and unicorn farts were pretty rough in our house. Co-sleeping was one of those things that made that period harder than it had to be. Because of that, my personal opinion (and this is easily the fifth time I've used that phrase in this thread) is that co-sleeping isn't a great idea. If you guys feel differently whatever. Don't ask my opinion on the subject.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 15:47:41 GMT -5
DH is a gold medal champion when it comes to passive aggressiveness. I told him that I am always being told it is the WOMAN that is passive aggressive in the relationship. Apparently somewhere along the way we switched genders and no one told me.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 15:49:11 GMT -5
Yeah, really. Pretty much all the controversial things have the potential to drive a wedge between parents:
1) Cosleeping 2) SAHP-ing 3) Breastfeeding vs. formula 4) Homeschooling vs. public vs. private 5) Attachment parenting vs. whatever the other kind is called
If both parents are mature adults who are willing to communicate, none of those should be marriage-enders.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 15:49:45 GMT -5
Have you ever lived with a hormonal pregnant woman or new mom? If you aren't walking on egg shells and trying not to piss her off you're either suicidal or a total moron! *** This post is clearly a joke people. I better not see it quoted later while you tell me what an asshole I am! ***
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 15:50:13 GMT -5
I think it is called "Cold-asshole parenting."
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