zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:21:31 GMT -5
Did I mention to you all he is BRILLIANT!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 9:25:40 GMT -5
I don't remember the dream partner thread. Can someone refresh my memory?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 9:28:54 GMT -5
wait, I thought the smoking part was an example. I didn't think she really smoked!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:32:18 GMT -5
Not sure, either. I was just surprised that she smoked and had a weight issue. Smoking usually cuts food cravings. Not always, of course.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 9:32:47 GMT -5
It IS an example! But now that zib "put it out there" the entire point of the story is going to be lost in him defending her non-smoker status.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2012 9:37:48 GMT -5
WWBG, I hope the use of the word "obey" was just a mistake and you really wantetd o say "do what I asked" because "STFU and obey" when referring to a spouse is just sad and wrong in so many ways.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:37:50 GMT -5
Sorry about that. I thought someone said she WAS a smoker. I'm ready to let it go. That'd be a deal breaker for me. I can't abide smoking. I don't care how great in the sack they are! Not even kissing them.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 9:37:53 GMT -5
I say there should be a law against regressing after marriage!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:38:54 GMT -5
I don't know. I razz DF about "obeying" me! I tell him it's going to be in HIS vows and not mine because I don't want to lie to him!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:39:53 GMT -5
Yeah, but then one gets fat. Is that regressing? Or one decides to take up a dangerous sport or activity. Where do you draw the line? People change.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2012 9:40:33 GMT -5
I don't know. I razz DF about "obeying" me! I tell him it's going to be in HIS vows and not mine because I don't want to lie to him! Yes, DH adn I joke about obeying each other all the time. It's a joke. I'm pretty sure if either of us meant it, the other one would walk.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:41:35 GMT -5
True enough. I'd have to be pretty upset and about to walk myself if I used it seriously.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 9:42:28 GMT -5
I think if it got to that point, DF would be so freaked out that I was so freaked out that he'd listen up to what I was saying and why I was saying it more seriously than perhaps he had been.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2012 9:45:00 GMT -5
Here's an example from this week.
We had a major repair issue that had to get done, and DH wanted to do it himself, which means I would have to help him. I didn't want to do it, I tried to find a contractor but I couldn't. I sucked it up for the past 2 days and did the job with him. I was his gofer, changed drill bits, held brackets, drilled pilot holes, pounded nails, organized the tools and materials, did trips to the hardware store, and did whatever was necessary.
Did I want to? No, but it had to get done and I did it. I could have refused, but that would have made a 2 day job a 5 day job and made DH really miserable. I did what needed to be done and didn't bitch about it (much) out of respect for our marriage and him.
He will, in turn, suck it up and so something that I need done and need his help.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 9:51:56 GMT -5
zib when are you getting married? When did you get engaged?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 10:02:55 GMT -5
Here's an example from this week. We had a major repair issue that had to get done, and DH wanted to do it himself, which means I would have to help him. I didn't want to do it, I tried to find a contractor but I couldn't. I sucked it up for the past 2 days and did the job with him. I was his gofer, changed drill bits, held brackets, drilled pilot holes, pounded nails, organized the tools and materials, did trips to the hardware store, and did whatever was necessary. Did I want to? No, but it had to get done and I did it. I could have refused, but that would have made a 2 day job a 5 day job and made DH really miserable. I did what needed to be done and didn't bitch about it (much) out of respect for our marriage and him. He will, in turn, suck it up and so something that I need done and need his help. I am thinking/hoping that WWBG meant something along these lines.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2012 10:06:42 GMT -5
it's all in the delivery. if dh had said "stfu and obey me, now give me the hammer, bitch" I would have hit him with it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 10:11:03 GMT -5
I'm stalling until after the year. I kinda like things the way they are. I've been married and it sucked more than it didn't. DF treats me like a queen. What if I married him and he didn't? Then what? Another divorce? Yuck. It means more to him than it does to me so I probably will do it but I want to want to do it. Does that make any sense?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 5, 2012 10:12:08 GMT -5
I think the smoking example is a good one.
Now, if you marry a cigarette smoker, and a year into the marriage they turn to smoking meth/crack - obviously that's an escalation that should be addressed. Same thing if you marry a social smoker and they turn into a two-pack-a-day smoker.
But if you marry a smoker (or someone overweight, with a temper problem, low libido, poor money management, etc.) and their annoying habit doesn't get any better after marriage - BUT also doesn't get worse - IMO you don't have the right to try to change them (or "get him to improve himself.")
You married that person, for better or for worse, and it's a little unfair to turn around and say "Oh, that thing that bothered me before we got married? Well, now it's a dealbreaker."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 10:12:06 GMT -5
it's all in the delivery. if dh had said "stfu and obey me, now give me the hammer, bitch" I would have hit him with it. I would have peed my pants laughing.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2012 10:41:07 GMT -5
WWBG,
Maybe you addresseed this in another of the 15 pages of this thread so far, but I'm not going to read all that...
Do you even like/love your wife? Seems like every time you talk about her it's something negative. Is the sex that good that you feel you have to put up with her shennanigans? Don't you think you'd be happier single or with someone else?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 10:43:35 GMT -5
Too late now. He is married to her. But other than she manages her money better, I'd like to see something more positive.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 10:46:05 GMT -5
Too late now. He is married to her. But other than she manages her money better, I'd like to see something more positive. Me too. That's what I find so sad about it. He's only been married for a few months and I don't think I've seen one truly loving sentiment come out of his fingertips since then.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 10:48:12 GMT -5
That's why I'm sad for him. I don't get mad at him. I've been unhappy in a relationship and it colors your whole world.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2012 10:55:44 GMT -5
"Too late now."
What do you mean it's "too late now" last I checked there was this thing called divorce. It lets people his the reset button on marriage. He just hasn't summoned up the will to do it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 11:00:13 GMT -5
If he wouldn't back out before the wedding when he knew and so did everyone else that this was not a good idea, do you really think he will divorce her after a few months? No, he will be like the legions of men out there that just suffer through it and find their happiness in their jobs or their kids or whatever until they die. DF would have even though he says he wouldn't have if she hadn't started it first. Now he's happy but he was so used to being unhappy that he just worked more and found tons of excuses to never be home.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 5, 2012 11:03:03 GMT -5
True but divorce is often times a lot messier than walking away before you sign the piece of paper. My mom always told me if I was going to walk, walk away BEFORE signing the dotted line.
THings happen, no marriage is perfect. But if you KNOW you and your future spouse aren't exactly compatible then you should disintangle yourself before you make it legal.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 5, 2012 11:46:43 GMT -5
I'm a pick your battles guy. I am more than willing to only battle when its a big deal. As such, if I give her passes on a lot of events without her having to argue, then I totally expect her to STFU and obey on the times when I DO think her presence is critical.
The question I have, WWBG (and I think the question that your anecdotes provoke from some other posters) is "why does everything have to be a battle?"
A friend of mine is having a rough time right now. She's injured, and I asked DH if she could stay with us until Friday morning when she has to go out of town in case she needs help. He said yes. No big deal, right? My friend is very low maintenance and cool to hang out with, and it's only for a couple days. DH never minds stuff like that.
But then I had to ask him to go above and beyond the call of duty. Yesterday she needed to be picked up at the train station fairly early in the morning while I was at a doctor's appointment. I asked him the night before if he could go get her. He said yes, and I called him to confirm he was awake and ready to go. I also asked if he could clean the bathroom before she arrived (something we'd previously agreed he would do, and I just wanted to make sure it was done before she got there).
DH is NOT a morning person. He was not super thrilled about waking up early to clean the bathroom and then go get MY friend from the BART station, and then have to bring her back to the house and entertain her until I got home. However, when I got back, not only had he done all that - he'd also made up the guest bedroom for her. All without a word of complaint.
I knew when I asked him that he wouldn't especially WANT to do any of this, and I also knew that he would do it anyway. It works, I think, because a) I was super appreciative of his assistance, told him so at least five times over the course of yesterday, gave him some of my fun money so he could go watch the horse races, etc., b) I would have done the same for him in a second, and he knows that too, and c) I wouldn't have asked if I could have done this myself. I was at a doctor's appointment (a very long one) and I needed a hand, so he gave me a hand.
And you know what? It was still stressful and I still felt kind of guilty about making DH go out of his way to help my friend because I couldn't be there myself. I can only imagine how crappy I would have felt if he was making me feel guilty, or acting passive aggressive about it, or making it into a big "who owes who what" game.
I just can't fathom why anyone would want to live with someone who turns EVERYTHING into a battle that you subsequently have to choose whether or not to fight. It sounds exhausting!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2012 11:58:33 GMT -5
True enough there. I was also in a relationship like that except is was always unequal AND not in my favor. What a relief to have DF who steps up to the plate without complaining. The first time he met my family was at my moms funeral and all that mess. He was supposed to last summer but got sick and couldn't. She left a royal mess and he took all the time to straghten it out and then show her stepson what he needed to do to take care of his dad. He could have just sat like a lump on a log and let me stress.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 5, 2012 12:01:25 GMT -5
OK, I am still on pg 7, but wanted to comment on two things -
1. - Playpens - I use my all the time and think they are the best thing EVER. 2 out of 3 of my kids learned to walk in them - it was easier for them to hold on to walls and move around
2. - Firestarting time (never heard that term before) - I found out that if I give my DH that time, I get much much MUCH more out of him later without even asking. So, instead of "asking" him to do things half a second after he walks through the door, I let him do his thing and then he is "in', completely in.
Lena
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