Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:21:31 GMT -5
Lots of people will be telling you that you don't care about your kid if you do/don't do XYZ. Once you find your own way that works, just tell them where to shove it. You will NEVER get me to be okay with drinking while pregnant. And I'm sure I do things that you feel strongly against as well. We are human, we judge. Well, as I said, it was my first experience with it. And I'm just lucky it happened on a message board instead of in real life. I will never underestimate the Mommy Judgment phenomenon again. have you joined on of those pregnancy message boards?? The shit peopel used to fight over cracked me up...if you circumcized your son you were mutilating him...if you didn't, you were settign him up for infectins...if you bottle fed you sucked as a mom and were setting your child up for a low iq...and so on and so on and so on...lol Interestingly enough, I can't remember ever fighting about alcohol!lol
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:21:37 GMT -5
Lots of people will be telling you that you don't care about your kid if you do/don't do XYZ. Once you find your own way that works, just tell them where to shove it. You will NEVER get me to be okay with drinking while pregnant. And I'm sure I do things that you feel strongly against as well. We are human, we judge. Well, as I said, it was my first experience with it. And I'm just lucky it happened on a message board instead of in real life. I will never underestimate the Mommy Judgment phenomenon again. welcome to being a mommy. wait until you get the "Oh, you're working, how unfortunate for your child they can't be home with a parent who loves them."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:22:51 GMT -5
"Not sure if you have anyone around you that has said this but the same is true of you as well.
You obviously love your baby very much. Whatever coke or tea you drank probably was not the cause of the prematurity, but even more importantly, we all know that whatever decisions you made weren't because you didn't love your baby or want the best for him.
Like most moms, you love your baby and whatever choices you made were the best ones you could have made with the information you knew at the time. Stop beating yourself up."
Thank you for this post. But truthfully I will never be able to stop thinking what if I didn't do this/that. My pregnancy and everything was going really well until it wasn't all of a sudden. I have always been very healthy, hardly every go to the doctor or get sick. And I sure never ever would have thought this would have happened to me. You can do everything wrong and end up with a healthy baby or you can do everything right and end up with problems. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try your best to do the right things and I feel like I could/should have done more.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 15:23:08 GMT -5
Lots of people will be telling you that you don't care about your kid if you do/don't do XYZ. Once you find your own way that works, just tell them where to shove it. You will NEVER get me to be okay with drinking while pregnant. And I'm sure I do things that you feel strongly against as well. We are human, we judge. And I always thought that was ridiculous, because who cares what random people say about you, especially if they don't know you? Now I understand - it can really hurt when people say you don't care about your kid if you do X. I take it back - I'm not sorry I started this thread, it's been a good learning experience for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:23:31 GMT -5
Well, as I said, it was my first experience with it. And I'm just lucky it happened on a message board instead of in real life. I will never underestimate the Mommy Judgment phenomenon again. welcome to being a mommy. wait until you get the "Oh, you're working, how unfortunate for your child they can't be home with a parent who loves them." Um, they would be home with me, not a parent that loves them.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:23:35 GMT -5
milee, that was an awesome post...I was so into this thread I didn't even really think about what she was saying...SERIOUSLY?!?! That is the EXACT point I was trying to make with the spanking analogy (parents do what they think is right and even if they make choices you disagree with they can still be good parents who love their children) and you argued with me for two pages over the fact that it wasn't a comparable analogy instead of paying attention to what I was trying to say. Umm...did I misread milee's post? busymom (or bunnysmom) was very upset thinking she might have caused her child's premature delivery...that someoen the coke or tea might have caused it. I thought milee was telling talking to her about that, regarding her limited consumption of soda? I didn't think milee was comparing spanking to a premature delivery or alcohol during pregnancy...if she was, then I retract my "awesome post" because I misunderstood it
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 29, 2012 15:24:27 GMT -5
Here's probably the best way I can explain my position on this, and I'm going to lunch right after I hit post, so wait until I get back to yell at me if you disagree. Or send me a PM or something.
When your baby is born, if there are abnormalities (say the kid is developmentally delayed somehow), would you want to spend the rest of your life wondering the alcohol had anything to do with it? Do you think your spouse might wonder, or blame/resent you, which could potentially end your marriage which could already be strained from the pregnancy and special needs diagnosis? Even if you answered no to all that after thinking about it for a bit, is the glass of wine now and again really worth even the tiny tiny risk of those things?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:24:48 GMT -5
"Not sure if you have anyone around you that has said this but the same is true of you as well. You obviously love your baby very much. Whatever coke or tea you drank probably was not the cause of the prematurity, but even more importantly, we all know that whatever decisions you made weren't because you didn't love your baby or want the best for him. Like most moms, you love your baby and whatever choices you made were the best ones you could have made with the information you knew at the time. Stop beating yourself up." Thank you for this post. But truthfully I will never be able to stop thinking what if I didn't do this/that. My pregnancy and everything was going really well until it wasn't all of a sudden. I have always been very healthy, hardly every go to the doctor or get sick. And I sure never ever would have thought this would have happened to me. You can do everything wrong and end up with a healthy baby or you can do everything right and end up with problems. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try your best to do the right things and I feel like I could/should have done more. Do you enjoy torturing yourself? Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 15:24:54 GMT -5
Miss T, what I think milee was saying is that every parent makes the best decisions that they can, and they don't set out to deliberately harm their children. Which is all I was trying to say!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:25:33 GMT -5
welcome to being a mommy. wait until you get the "Oh, you're working, how unfortunate for your child they can't be home with a parent who loves them." Um, they would be home with me, not a parent that loves them. I've given that answer. The person didn't see the humor in my response.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:26:33 GMT -5
Do you want the studies or the European medical opinions? I would assume they would be in line with each other, though you asking makes me wonder if that's true? Well the research done here is in direct conflict to what advice is given for pregnant women so, I am not sure. I personally hate reading opinions when I can read the base research so I did not know what you preferred to read.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 29, 2012 15:26:41 GMT -5
My kids are nearly 10 years old, and just yesterday I got the crap-storm from my mother. She doesn't like the camp we picked. She wants to pick them up. She thinks they are not doing a good enough job teaching them. She thinks they have too much junk food. She thinks my son plays too many video games.
Yet last week she had them every afternoon - 5 days, and I got the other crap-storm. She didn't like that camp. They were working the kids too hard. They were too critical. Kids need time to relax - and therefore, my son played video games for several hours a day.
Seriously Mom, I can't even keep up with the criticism. Pick a stance and berate me - do you really have to do a massive flip every week? Although, I guess it doesn't matter what her criticism is because my policy is to ignore her. I listen and nod, and say some platitude. It would just be easier if I didn't have to think about a new platitude every time she decided I didn't love my kids properly.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:29:48 GMT -5
"Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over. "
But wouldn't the best I could have done be avoiding cafeine and not physically force myself, not go through metal detectors? That is the thing I don't know that I didn't have control over what happened and I never will. Read Dark's post #247, that is exactly how I feel (except it wasn't alcohol).
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:30:38 GMT -5
It is either legal to drink or illegal. Since it is legal for pregnant women to drink, I don't see where it is anyone else's business. But, restaurants can also set their own customer policies as well.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:31:06 GMT -5
"Not sure if you have anyone around you that has said this but the same is true of you as well. You obviously love your baby very much. Whatever coke or tea you drank probably was not the cause of the prematurity, but even more importantly, we all know that whatever decisions you made weren't because you didn't love your baby or want the best for him. Like most moms, you love your baby and whatever choices you made were the best ones you could have made with the information you knew at the time. Stop beating yourself up." Thank you for this post. But truthfully I will never be able to stop thinking what if I didn't do this/that. My pregnancy and everything was going really well until it wasn't all of a sudden. I have always been very healthy, hardly every go to the doctor or get sick. And I sure never ever would have thought this would have happened to me. You can do everything wrong and end up with a healthy baby or you can do everything right and end up with problems. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try your best to do the right things and I feel like I could/should have done more. Do you enjoy torturing yourself? Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over. As a mom of a special needs child, I can tell you it is part of the grieving process...I'm a pretty strong person with a "suck it up and pull yourself up by your boots" kind of personality...the realization that my child was special needs sent me spiraling into a depression with "omg, did I cause this" running through my brain...even though I followed my doctors instructions and then some (Waht to Expect was my Bible and they are some fierce pregnancy nazis!lol) I still wondered about the meds I took when I was 15 weeks pregnant...I was assured they were ok but what if they weren't? It's hard to explain but I know a lot of mom's with kids like mine and most of them go through the same thought process...I'm at the other side now, but it took me a long time to get here. and holy shit, if I did do something that wasn't on the list I would forever think I caused it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:31:32 GMT -5
"Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over. " But wouldn't the best I could have done be avoiding cafeine and not physically force myself, not go through metal detectors? That is the thing I don't know that I didn't have control over what happened and I never will. Read Dark's post #247, that is exactly how I feel (except it wasn't alcohol). No, I don't because millions of pregnant women drink caffeine and go through metal detectors without incident. You're drowning yourself in negative thoughts.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:32:21 GMT -5
Miss T, what I think milee was saying is that every parent makes the best decisions that they can, and they don't set out to deliberately harm their children. Which is all I was trying to say! LOL...Ok, I gotcha...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:32:44 GMT -5
My kids are nearly 10 years old, and just yesterday I got the crap-storm from my mother. She doesn't like the camp we picked. She wants to pick them up. She thinks they are not doing a good enough job teaching them. She thinks they have too much junk food. She thinks my son plays too many video games. Yet last week she had them every afternoon - 5 days, and I got the other crap-storm. She didn't like that camp. They were working the kids too hard. They were too critical. Kids need time to relax - and therefore, my son played video games for several hours a day. Seriously Mom, I can't even keep up with the criticism. Pick a stance and berate me - do you really have to do a massive flip every week? Although, I guess it doesn't matter what her criticism is because my policy is to ignore her. I listen and nod, and say some platitude. It would just be easier if I didn't have to think about a new platitude every time she decided I didn't love my kids properly. He older I get, the more I think criticizing is a competitive sport for moms.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:33:17 GMT -5
Do you enjoy torturing yourself? Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over. As a mom of a special needs child, I can tell you it is part of the grieving process...I'm a pretty strong person with a "suck it up and pull yourself up by your boots" kind of personality...the realization that my child was special needs sent me spiraling into a depression with "omg, did I cause this" running through my brain...even though I followed my doctors instructions and then some (Waht to Expect was my Bible and they are some fierce pregnancy nazis!lol) I still wondered about the meds I took when I was 15 weeks pregnant...I was assured they were ok but what if they weren't? It's hard to explain but I know a lot of mom's with kids like mine and most of them go through the same thought process...I'm at the other side now, but it took me a long time to get here. and holy shit, if I did do something that wasn't on the list I would forever think I caused it. I understand the grieving process and thank god becuase there but for the grace of god go I, but it seems that bunny is getting stuck in the "what did I do" and which takes away from the focus on "I need to do this" Or I'm just full of shit
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:36:17 GMT -5
As a mom of a special needs child, I can tell you it is part of the grieving process...I'm a pretty strong person with a "suck it up and pull yourself up by your boots" kind of personality...the realization that my child was special needs sent me spiraling into a depression with "omg, did I cause this" running through my brain...even though I followed my doctors instructions and then some (Waht to Expect was my Bible and they are some fierce pregnancy nazis!lol) I still wondered about the meds I took when I was 15 weeks pregnant...I was assured they were ok but what if they weren't? It's hard to explain but I know a lot of mom's with kids like mine and most of them go through the same thought process...I'm at the other side now, but it took me a long time to get here. and holy shit, if I did do something that wasn't on the list I would forever think I caused it. I understand the grieving process and thank god becuase there but for the grace of god go I, but it seems that bunny is getting stuck in the "what did I do" and which takes away from the focus on "I need to do this" Or I'm just full of shit you know i love you to death, but in this instant you are full of shit!lol And I say that with respect I've been tehre...it took me a VERY long time to stop blaming myself for my daughter's delays....and I belong to a message board for mom's of special needs children and I can tell you it is a running theme...what if I didn't have that one cup of coffee each day...what if I didn't fly on that airplane, waht if this...what if taht.... I'm not saying it's rational but if you have never gone through it you will never udnerstand...from my experience, her feelings are completely normal and something she has to work through...my dd will be 11 next week and I'm at peace...but it took me a LONG time to get here
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 29, 2012 15:36:45 GMT -5
"Those thoughts are doing nothing other than making you feel crappy. You did the best you can do, and shit happens for no reason other than shit happens. Channel your energy into taking care of you and your baby instead of beating yourself up over something you had no control over. " But wouldn't the best I could have done be avoiding cafeine and not physically force myself, not go through metal detectors? That is the thing I don't know that I didn't have control over what happened and I never will. Read Dark's post #247, that is exactly how I feel (except it wasn't alcohol). (So much for myself imposed time out). No it wouldn't. You do the best you can at the time with the information presented. You did the best based on your information available. You go from there and you take care of your child. The reason for my brief timeout for myself was Dark's comment on me drinking Mt. Dew. Am I going to feel bad about drinking caffinated beverages throughout this pregnancy if something happens? Doubtful because it is the best I can do at the time. I can keep it down (unlike straight water). So, my best is not "THe best". I can't help that. I can't help my body physically not doing what I want to do. It isn't a matter of will power or not caring. It is matter of my body not cooperating.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2012 15:37:28 GMT -5
I understand the grieving process and thank god becuase there but for the grace of god go I, but it seems that bunny is getting stuck in the "what did I do" and which takes away from the focus on "I need to do this" Or I'm just full of shit you know i love you to death, but in this instant you are full of shit!lol And I say that with respect I've been tehre...it took me a VERY long time to stop blaming myself for my daughter's delays....and I belong to a message board for mom's of special needs children and I can tell you it is a running theme...what if I didn't have that one cup of coffee each day...what if I didn't fly on that airplane, waht if this...what if taht.... I'm not saying it's rational but if you have never gone through it you will never udnerstand...from my experience, her feelings are completely normal and something she has to work through...my dd will be 11 next week and I'm at peace...but it took me a LONG time to get here Did it help if someone told you that it wasn't anything you did and sometimes things happen, is it something you have to work through on your own, even though you were told it?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:38:35 GMT -5
"but it seems that bunny is getting stuck in the "what did I do" and which takes away from the focus on "I need to do this""
I am already at the "I need to do this" stage but it doesn't take away from the "what could I have done differently". For example, the high-risk doctors who delievered insist that stress would not have caused any of this or bedrest would not have helped, yet there are so many sources that seem to say stress is very bad during pregnancy, so many pregnant moms on bedrest to stop labor. Even between the doctors I ended up seeing they did not agree and I should have listened to the stricter of the two. The high-risk doctor, who also does a lot of research, said bedrest will not keep the baby in, but my OBGYN wanted to put me on bedrest...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 29, 2012 15:38:44 GMT -5
I'm kind of glad my mother is being so negative at times. It reminds me to have a little more compassion with my daughter. She will likely grow up seeing me as hyper-critical, but each comment I don't make is a victory. Each comment I don't even think is a much bigger victory. At some point, I am who I am, and she will have to live with that. But at some point, I want her to know that my criticism is more about me than about her.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:40:53 GMT -5
you know i love you to death, but in this instant you are full of shit!lol And I say that with respect I've been tehre...it took me a VERY long time to stop blaming myself for my daughter's delays....and I belong to a message board for mom's of special needs children and I can tell you it is a running theme...what if I didn't have that one cup of coffee each day...what if I didn't fly on that airplane, waht if this...what if taht.... I'm not saying it's rational but if you have never gone through it you will never udnerstand...from my experience, her feelings are completely normal and something she has to work through...my dd will be 11 next week and I'm at peace...but it took me a LONG time to get here Did it help if someone told you that it wasn't anything you did and sometimes things happen, is it something you have to work through on your own, even though you were told it? you have to work through it on your own...I saw a top geneticist at CHOP who assured me it was nothing I did, but I still thought "well, how can she know for sure"...now that I'm on the other side, I look back and realize it was silly...but I honestly think it was part of the process I had to go through. I am one strong mother fucker, but that was my child and I literally became one complete mohter fucking mess!lol Seriously...but eventually I got through the process and came to acceptance and bunnysmom will too. And I realize her child isn't special needs but I'm sure her feelings are similar....maybe I'm wrong...to quote Lena, I've been wrong before
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 15:41:26 GMT -5
And maybe I'm just being naive but honestly... if my baby was born with retardation... no, I don't think I would "always wonder" if the drinking caused it. I don't believe that drinking in the quantities I've done it DOES cause mental retardation - otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it! I would be fucking stupid to do something THINKING it would cause my baby to be injured.
Knowing that I have friends who drank much, much more than me and gave birth to perfect babies, if my baby was developmentally retarded somehow I just honestly doubt I would beat myself up about it too much. If anything, I'd probably blame it on the medication I took once early in my pregnancy. There are just too many factors that make it impossible to know what might have caused it. I wouldn't be quick to pin it on the drinking.
But in general, I don't beat myself up over stuff that I did wrong. I'm not saying I wouldn't feel horrible if it COULD somehow be proven that my ONE DRINK A MONTH hurt my kid, but I would always know that based on the information given to me, I wasn't doing anything unreasonable.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 29, 2012 15:41:32 GMT -5
Just because bedrest works for some pregnancies with specific issues doesn't mean it would have worked for YOUR pregnancy and whatever caused YOUR child's condition. Saying that bed rest worked for someone else is like saying that because my neighbor had chemotherapy to treat her cancer, maybe it would work on my bad back. Different causes, different conditions, different solutions.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 29, 2012 15:41:56 GMT -5
Well the research done here is in direct conflict to what advice is given for pregnant women so, I am not sure. I personally hate reading opinions when I can read the base research so I did not know what you preferred to read. Read? None of it. I'm not wholly invested in it as it's not a topic relevant to me, anytime in the near future at least. It was more of a I only ever heard anecdotes of wine while pregnant in Europe is no big deal and was wonder if the European equivalent of ACOG or whatever else were in line with the anecdotes or with the ACOG.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:42:28 GMT -5
"Did it help if someone told you that it wasn't anything you did and sometimes things happen, is it something you have to work through on your own, even though you were told it? "
I have been told it wasnt anything I did by several doctors but I have a hard time believing because it seems like that is for my benefit. It is especially hard when I had zero indication of any problems that would cause premature labor. Even now, they have no clue why I had early labor. There is no medical reason for why I had premature labor. That only leaves something that is not noticeable like stress, too much physical activity, my diet, whatever... even though they insist it has nothing to do with it.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 29, 2012 15:43:17 GMT -5
"but it seems that bunny is getting stuck in the "what did I do" and which takes away from the focus on "I need to do this"" I am already at the "I need to do this" stage but it doesn't take away from the "what could I have done differently". For example, the high-risk doctors who delievered insist that stress would not have caused any of this or bedrest would not have helped, yet there are so many sources that seem to say stress is very bad during pregnancy, so many pregnant moms on bedrest to stop labor. Even between the doctors I ended up seeing they did not agree and I should have listened to the stricter of the two. The high-risk doctor, who also does a lot of research, said bedrest will not keep the baby in, but my OBGYN wanted to put me on bedrest... I totally understand and I was exactly the same...I'm a type A personality so early on my goal was "fix her" and I did everythign I could to get my dd as much therapy as I could..on teh flip side, I was a mess, consumed with guilt. But you didn't do anyting, you followed doctors advice and shit does happen....I promise, someday you will be on teh otherside and know you did everythign you could
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