zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 29, 2012 15:45:10 GMT -5
I still have a girlfriend who blames herself because before she even knew she was pregnant, she took some medicine because she was sick. She thinks it caused her sons autism. No amount of it didn't will erase that she thinks it did.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 29, 2012 15:45:33 GMT -5
Bunny I think you'd benefit from talking to a professional about your feelings. Pregnancy even if it is absolutely textbook and you do everything "right" can still go wrong and medical science doesn't understand why. Mother nature has her own mind when it comes to pregnancy, even with all the advances in science we still can't prevent/control everything.
You'll probably never know why and beating yourself up trying to find an answer isn't doing you any good.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 29, 2012 15:46:17 GMT -5
"Did it help if someone told you that it wasn't anything you did and sometimes things happen, is it something you have to work through on your own, even though you were told it? " I have been told it wasnt anything I did by several doctors but I have a hard time believing because it seems like that is for my benefit. It is especially hard when I had zero indication of any problems that would cause premature labor. Even now, they have no clue why I had early labor. There is no medical reason for why I had premature labor. That only leaves something that is not noticeable like stress, too much physical activity, my diet, whatever... even though they insist it has nothing to do with it. You should talk to Seahorse on the WIR Racers Midwest thread. She went into spontaneous labor at 21 or 22 weeks with her first child. From what I remember, there were no prior indications of any problems. It wasn't until her third pregnancy that they were able to pinpoint the problem ahead of time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:46:33 GMT -5
"Just because bedrest works for some pregnancies with specific issues doesn't mean it would have worked for YOUR pregnancy and whatever caused YOUR child's condition. Saying that bed rest worked for someone else is like saying that because my neighbor had chemotherapy to treat her cancer, maybe it would work on my bad back. Different causes, different conditions, different solutions. "
I agree, but I DON'T KNOW that it wouldn't have worked, all I know is it couldn't have hurt, that is what bothers me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:47:05 GMT -5
I still have a girlfriend who blames herself because before she even knew she was pregnant, she took some medicine because she was sick. She thinks it caused her sons autism. No amount of it didn't will erase that she thinks it did. If she wasn't blaming that, then she would be blaming something else. Bad air quality, something in the food, etc. I think we all have a way of blaming ourselves even if it isn't our fault. As far as i know, there isn't any medication linked to causing autism. But, as you said, it is probably still wont' ease her mind.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 29, 2012 15:47:21 GMT -5
Also, shit happens. Sometimes there is not an explanation at all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:48:17 GMT -5
I can remember eating a tuna sandwich when i was pregnant, then i heard something about mercury in fish and on and on. But, i did NOT give up my coffee during pregnancy. I don't believe it is harmful and nobody is prying my coffee cup out of my hand!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:48:41 GMT -5
"You'll probably never know why and beating yourself up trying to find an answer isn't doing you any good. "
At this point it probably does not matter why it happened. I just feel very lucky that my son survived and seems to be doing exceptionally well. I just hope his future is just as good and I will do whatever it takes that is within my hands to make sure it is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:49:59 GMT -5
"If she wasn't blaming that, then she would be blaming something else. Bad air quality, something in the food, etc. I think we all have a way of blaming ourselves even if it isn't our fault. As far as i know, there isn't any medication linked to causing autism. But, as you said, it is probably still wont' ease her mind."
I think I saw a commercial on TV about taking Zoloft during pregnancy causing autism (it was one of those lawyer commercials).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 29, 2012 15:50:03 GMT -5
It hurt more because it's the only boy. She had one healthy girl before and five more healthy girls after trying for another boy that was healthy. So she blames herself for that as well. I tried pointing out that her husband determined the sex of the baby but there's no reasoning with her. I know the guilt consumes her. It's very sad. She used to be such a happy person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:51:12 GMT -5
"Also, shit happens. Sometimes there is not an explanation at all. "
Yes I definitely agree but the only way to know that for sure is knowing you have done everything else right. And I don't know that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 15:51:17 GMT -5
That must be very difficult. A friend's brother had 2 children later in life and both of his children are autistic. Hopefully medicine will make some strides in that.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jun 29, 2012 15:52:18 GMT -5
My mother calls me at least three times a year crying and apologizing for "horrible" things she realizes she did. The last time it was because she saw a parent lose their patience with their kid in a store. She remembered yelling at me once unprovoked. I don't remember this at all. I am in my thirties and am healthy, happy, with functional relationships.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 15:52:56 GMT -5
Also, shit happens. Sometimes there is not an explanation at all. EVERY test I've had so far... every ultrasound... every blood test... everything has indicated that Babybird is as healthy as a 26 week old fetus can be. No, I haven't been a model of perfect health... and if she doesn't come out healthy I'm sure you could point to a NUMBER of things I've done that COULD have caused whatever her abnormality was... but at the end of the day, I'm not doing anything that I feel will cause her harm. Based on the information I have and what my doctors have been telling me, I'm in good health and so is my little girl. At the end of the day, I can live with myself. I am doing my best. If she comes out abnormal in any way... that will suck, and I'm sure I'll second guess myself for awhile like everyone does. But I'm also going to try not to blame myself. Sometimes bad things happen, and we roll with it as best we can.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 29, 2012 15:53:08 GMT -5
Or at least, like downs, have a test for it so you are prepared for it. It's sad that these kids seem perfectly normal, then they aren't. No preparation for it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 29, 2012 15:54:55 GMT -5
Yes I definitely agree but the only way to know that for sure is knowing you have done everything else right
But you can't know that, especially since what is "right" seems to change every five minutes.
Perfect example is about six months after I had Gwen GMA had a story annoucing that pregnant women should not use plastic containers PERIOD.
When I was pregnant it was BPA Free, before I was pregnant no one said anything about plastic containers.
So which advice do I follow? I followed the advice I was given at the time I was pregnant, now six months later I am told that was wrong I should have been doing this instead.
You can drive yourself insane because what was "right" when you were pregnant is probably not going to be "right" a few years from now.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 16:00:52 GMT -5
You want to know what I've been focused on this entire pregnancy so far? Coming to terms with the fact that I will not be a perfect mother. I think that we all have some fantasy in our head of The Perfect Parent - or at least I know I did. In the last week, I've started to feel Babybird move around inside me. There is a real, live person in there. She's going to have her own opinions and her own dreams and her own ideas, she may not like me that much or she might adore me or she might idolize me or she might have zero respect for me.
And I... am probably going to fuck her up. Hopefully not too badly. I'm not going to be exactly what she needs all the time. My own mom was as close to perfect as I think a mother can get - everyone should be so lucky - and STILL she didn't do everything right. So yeah - sometimes I literally sit around and think about how to deal with the fact that I am not always going to be a good mother. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that reality.
Anyway, I don't know why I went into all that. It's been on my mind a lot lately and just seemed appropriate. I am going to do my very, very best to be a good parent to Babybird based on what I know. Just like I'm doing my best to look out for her health right now. But I'm still going to fuck up from time to time. You can drive yourself crazy second guessing yourself as a parent. I'm going to make a concerted effort not to do that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 29, 2012 16:01:51 GMT -5
"Also, shit happens. Sometimes there is not an explanation at all. " Yes I definitely agree but the only way to know that for sure is knowing you have done everything else right. And I don't know that. You are never going to do things 100% "correct" and by the book. If you do, you will send yourself straight to the looney bin (or there will be another book that will disagree with you). My nephew was born with a congenital heart defect that lead to only 3 chambers of his heart fully developing. I am know my sister tried to beat herself up over that for a long time. But there was no explanation for it. Nothing that could be pinpointed that she did "wrong". Nothing. They were able to do a fix to the problem and other than my nephew will never be an athlete, he is a happy, healthy soon to be high schooler.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 29, 2012 16:04:30 GMT -5
And I... am probably going to fuck her up. Hopefully not too badly.The money I am saving for college can also later be used for therapy.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 29, 2012 16:05:10 GMT -5
You can drive yourself insane because what was "right" when you were pregnant is probably not going to be "right" a few years from now. You do the best you can with what info you have at the time. My mom smoked and drank while pregnant, and couldn't breastfeed, yet I'm 100% healthier than most people, and certainly dh whose mom did all the opposite.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 29, 2012 16:09:43 GMT -5
I'm not saying I wouldn't feel horrible if it COULD somehow be proven that my ONE DRINK A MONTH hurt my kid, but I would always know that based on the information given to me, I wasn't doing anything unreasonable. But not all the information out right now agrees that one drink a month is safe for the baby. Based on the information you have right now it ranges from one drink after the first trimester is ok, to no alcohol is safe while pregnant. You're focusing on the one drink is fine part, and we're focusing on the no alcohol is good part. Statistically it won't matter. Lil Firebird will be born healthy and life will go on. If you're that one in a thousand though, you'll probably flash back to this conversation and wonder if maybe you should have focused on the no alcohol is good info instead. It's human nature.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 16:15:16 GMT -5
But not all the information out right now agrees that one drink a month is safe for the baby.
I said that based on the information I have right now, I am not doing anything unreasonable. There's a difference. No, I can't say that based on the information I have right now everything I've done since the moment I got knocked up has been 100% perfectly proven safe. But I can say that I haven't done anything unreasonable. My doctors - and I have around seven of them, they rotate, so it's not like I'm only going off of one person here - agree that I'm not doing anything unreasonable.
I can live with reasonable choices. I'm not the kind of person who tries to live a completely risk-free life. I'm not going to take unreasonable risks with my baby's life, but I'm not going to completely stress myself out about every possible thing that could go wrong with her either. It's simply not who I am.
(Babybird is kicking me like crazy while I'm typing this. Perhaps she disagrees. Sorry Babybird.)
(Or maybe she's signaling her endorsement. I'll ask her when she gets out.)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2012 16:17:32 GMT -5
Well the research done here is in direct conflict to what advice is given for pregnant women so, I am not sure. I personally hate reading opinions when I can read the base research so I did not know what you preferred to read. Read? None of it. I'm not wholly invested in it as it's not a topic relevant to me, anytime in the near future at least. It was more of a I only ever heard anecdotes of wine while pregnant in Europe is no big deal and was wonder if the European equivalent of ACOG or whatever else were in line with the anecdotes or with the ACOG. In 2006, the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists concluded there was no convincing evidence of adverse affects of prenatal alcohol exposure at low to moderate levels of alcohol consumption — moderate being 10.5 units or seven small glasses of wine a week.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 29, 2012 16:19:03 GMT -5
Deleted. It's been brought to my attention that tensions are high today and making fun of a woman's weight/looks (even if you totally don't mean it) is either mean or suicidal depending on the woman in question.
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kimax
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Post by kimax on Jun 29, 2012 16:39:09 GMT -5
Two of my doctor friends were fine with their wives drinking alcohol during pregnancy and they say drinking in moderation is fine. The problem is that when it comes to alcohol some people don't drink in moderation. One of them even said he'd prefer she'd drink wine than coke or coffee. I've also asked several doctors I work with about the study and they feel that there's no conclusive evidence that drinking in moderation during pregnancy is harmful to the fetus.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 29, 2012 16:42:47 GMT -5
...:::"There's a reason he's an only child though. I really liked that purse.":::...
*Chuckles!* Good sense of humor.
I've seen several make the point that their individual pregnancy situations simply didn't allow them to keep anything down except non-YM-approved food. I surmise its better if Mommy eats SOMETHING, vs. starving to death. Not all of us win the genetic lottery, and have a textbook perfect pregnancy, then return to size 2 and perfect physical fitness a month later.
I do also like the honesty about judging silently, with the understanding that sometimes that judging should indeed remain silently.
Thanks for bringing the thread back to a sense of civility.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 29, 2012 16:44:56 GMT -5
Deleted. It's been brought to my attention that tensions are high today and making fun of a woman's weight/looks (even if you totally don't mean it) is either mean or suicidal depending on the woman in question. I missed whatever you had originally said, but I concur on your logic for editing. good call.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jun 29, 2012 16:51:28 GMT -5
The reason for my brief timeout for myself was Dark's comment on me drinking Mt. Dew. Am I going to feel bad about drinking caffinated beverages throughout this pregnancy if something happens? Doubtful because it is the best I can do at the time. I can keep it down (unlike straight water). So, my best is not "THe best". I can't help that. I can't help my body physically not doing what I want to do. It isn't a matter of will power or not caring. It is matter of my body not cooperating. muttly, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who hasn't been through debilitating morning sickness has no right to judge. You do what you have to do to get through it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 29, 2012 16:54:20 GMT -5
muttly, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who hasn't been through debilitating morning sickness has no right to judge. You do what you have to do to get through it. Especially men, who usually have no idea what they're talking about anyway (JOKE, people.)
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 29, 2012 16:55:26 GMT -5
Especially men, who usually have no idea what they're talking about anyway This is the internet, for all you know I only pretend to be a man!
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