wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:25:30 GMT -5
Posts: 21,698
|
Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 28, 2012 6:03:21 GMT -5
Lmao Dark! I can usually count on you to entertain me.
|
|
skubikky
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 7:37:12 GMT -5
Posts: 3,044
|
Post by skubikky on Jun 28, 2012 6:32:01 GMT -5
I highly recommend spending all your spare time on message boards talking to everyone but your spouse. Definite turn on. Ouch.....want a little ice for that burn Dark?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 6:44:39 GMT -5
Do you like romance? I really am not much for that kind of thing. Keeping a connectedness to your spouse is really what is important.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 7:02:28 GMT -5
damn, Loop got you on that one, Dark! RE: the OP - ummmmm.... yeah. We're still figuring that one out. DH's job is becoming very stressful and he's getting discouraged because he's had his MLIS for over a year and nothing has panned out. He's also been applying for IT management positions at other universities and still nothing. We have the stressors of the new house and DS (11 months old). We are both pretty freakin' exhausted at the end of each day and we both need our individual time, so it's very hard sometimes to muster up the energy to spend time together.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 7:04:07 GMT -5
I always wondered how people manage to have affairs cuz we are often too freakin' tired for each other, let alone taking on other people! LOL
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 28, 2012 7:46:53 GMT -5
I think the best thing we ever did and it worked for awhile until the drugs got ahold of him, was we took turns with another couple and kept their kids over night and they kept ours. Sleeping in, having morning sex when we weren't exhausted at night, and going to brunch was the best thing ever!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 7:52:15 GMT -5
I think the best thing we ever did and it worked for awhile until the drugs got ahold of him, was we took turns with another couple and kept their kids over night and they kept ours. Sleeping in, having morning sex when we weren't exhausted at night, and going to brunch was the best thing ever! that is a great idea! ;D
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 28, 2012 8:41:28 GMT -5
It was so relaxed and awesome. Just reading the paper with no interruptions was bliss. Made me in a good mood the rest of the day. We actually fed them on Friday nights and then took them over and then we just hung out in our pool or jacuzzi depending on the season drinking wine and just mellowing out. Then to bed for a leisurely sleep then morning sex, shower together, then grab paper and eat, just the two of us. Pick the regrats up around lunchtime so really the other couple wasn't that bothered with them for that long. We did it evey other weekend so the off weekend we had their kids. The kids all entertained each other and really, what's another two bowls of cereal in the am?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,228
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2012 8:51:13 GMT -5
The older the kids get the easier it is, but in general you can never go wrong by locking the bedroom door and removing clothes. You don't even have to say anything. Just lock the door and strip. Pretty much. We try to do date nights but with DH's hours, MIL's various health problems and my parents still working it isn't always easy to carve out an actual "date night". However we can explain that we need them to watch Gwen while we go grocery shopping and then take what seems to be an unusually large amount of time bringing them home and putting them away. I'll also from time to time come home from work a little earlier than usual and we'll "get naked" as Dark puts it before we pick Gwen up from daycare. If you want something to read I always recommend Babyproofing your Marriage over on WIR. Everything in it isn't 100% applicable to everyone but it was refreshing to read a parenting book that puts MARRIAGE first instead of telling me I have ot be 100% devoted solely to my child and once DH is done depositing his sperm he's no more important than a houseplant.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 8:55:22 GMT -5
good advice, but I think FB's asking about more than just being a sperm depository.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,228
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2012 8:57:26 GMT -5
Well we found that trying to make time wasn't working, so we started looking at what time we already had. We have to come home after grocery shopping and Gwen is a pill if we take her with us, so why not take that time to be alone? Then we don't have to worry about bedtimes, babysitters falling thru or anything. We can do whatever we want while we "put away groceries". It just happens to be the time we choose to have sex. It's nice to be loud without having to worry about waking the child. We still have occassional date nights, but we've found it easier to connect as a married couple once we stopped putting so much emphasis on the concept of "date nights" and started taking our alone time whenever we could get it.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 28, 2012 8:57:26 GMT -5
I'd imagine "making each other a priority" is a lot easier when your situation is such that all the "challenges" of having a kid are not overwhelming. If money is plentiful via large savings, high earnings, lots of gifts from family... then the stress of meeting the kids needs, as well as having resources left over for each other is much less daunting. And its easy to HAVE time to "preserve your interests" and "spend time together" when you have ample child care via family, or via resources to hire it.
So in a sense, anyone who doesn't line those ducks up ahead of time is screwed when the kid comes.
It also helps to have a spouse who gives a damn about romance. So again, if you are asking the question, its probably already too late.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:02:22 GMT -5
Well we found that trying to make time wasn't working, so we started looking at what time we already had. We have to come home after grocery shopping and Gwen is a pill if we take her with us, so why not take that time to be alone? Then we don't have to worry about bedtimes, babysitters falling thru or anything. We can do whatever we want while we "put away groceries". It just happens to be the time we choose to have sex. It's nice to be loud without having to worry about waking the child. Usually one of us goes shopping and the other stays home with DS. Can't do the "coming home early" thing since we flexed our schedules and MIL knows when to expect us. Since she is our free DCP she doesn't want to keep him any longer than she has to. Weekends are filled with house stuff. So that leaves weekday nights - DH and I are exhausted physically and mentally, and even if we do want to spend time together (not just talking about sex) the house is a smallish ranch with hardwood floors throughout - all noise carries.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 28, 2012 9:03:49 GMT -5
I would also surmise that its much harder, if not downright IMPOSSIBLE to keep the romance alive if you and your spouse are not on the same plane about what "romance" really is. If one partner wants to have a deep conversation over a candle lit dinner, while the other person wants to get between the sheets, then you have to figure out how to accommodate both of your wants.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,228
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2012 9:04:56 GMT -5
I'll admit not having family watch Gwen all the time has had more advantages than I thought it would originally. What about both of you taking the day off but not telling her you did?
Not sure how comfortable you are with lying like that though or if you'd be able to get away with it. Cox Cable has caller ID that pops up on your TV, so we know not to answer if MIL pops up and we just claim grocery shopping took longer than we thought, those lines were crazy! ;D
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:06:01 GMT -5
I'm glad it's working for you DQ, but I just can't shut off my irritation of feeling like there is never ending work to be done - we don't feel comfortable in our house since we're working on it while we're living in it, we're living out of boxes and suitcases, we don't have a dishwasher, laundry is overflowing daily, baby needs XYZ/isn't sleeping tonight.... How am I supposed to get in the mood with all that going on?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:07:59 GMT -5
I would also surmise that its much harder, if not downright IMPOSSIBLE to keep the romance alive if you and your spouse are not on the same plane about what "romance" really is. If one partner wants to have a deep conversation over a candle lit dinner, while the other person wants to get between the sheets, then you have to figure out how to accommodate both of your wants. yup, that's an issue with us - probably because we're not as intimate as we should be. According to DH, if we were intimate more often, he'd want to spend more non-intimate time with me. My response is that making me feel like all I am is a maid/cook that you sleep with is a turn-off. It's a vicious cycle.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Jun 28, 2012 9:08:14 GMT -5
I think the definition of romance changes once kids come. Before marriage/kids it was all roses/chocolate/whatever...now it is anything he does that makes my life easier. When we are exhausted and completely wiped from the day, and yet DH volunteers to get the kids off to bed so I can crash on the couch, that is the most romantic thing ever.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,228
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2012 9:09:35 GMT -5
My mom swears my brother didn't sleep till he was three. They used to sit in the dark/quiet waiting for him to go to sleep and have a glass of wine or two. And I get the irritation of feeling like there is never ending work, but I've found if we ever want time together with DH's work schedule that I am going to have to accept that on ocassion I might have to fight to get the dishes back in the sink because they've figured out how to crawl out on their own. Okay it's not THAT bad, but chores certainly get put on the back burner. The house doesn't look near as good as it did pre-kid. I am thinking about naming the dust/hairball in the corner of the hallway and claiming it's our third dog.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:17:37 GMT -5
Usually one of us goes shopping and the other stays home with DS. Can't do the "coming home early" thing since we flexed our schedules and MIL knows when to expect us. Since she is our free DCP she doesn't want to keep him any longer than she has to. Weekends are filled with house stuff. So that leaves weekday nights - DH and I are exhausted physically and mentally, and even if we do want to spend time together (not just talking about sex) the house is a smallish ranch with hardwood floors throughout - all noise carries. We had the same problems when the kids were small. Nap time was always good for a quickie.
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,828
|
Post by taz157 on Jun 28, 2012 9:23:04 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:54:55 GMT -5
Having our child have semi-regular sleepovers at my sister's and my parents' houses has made a big difference. Sometimes we go out for a nice dinner, sometimes I cook or sometimes we just order take out. How you spend it doesn't matter, as long you both are enjoying yourselves and you are focusing on each other, not the children or responsibilities.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Jun 28, 2012 9:56:21 GMT -5
Usually one of us goes shopping and the other stays home with DS. Can't do the "coming home early" thing since we flexed our schedules and MIL knows when to expect us. Since she is our free DCP she doesn't want to keep him any longer than she has to. Weekends are filled with house stuff. So that leaves weekday nights - DH and I are exhausted physically and mentally, and even if we do want to spend time together (not just talking about sex) the house is a smallish ranch with hardwood floors throughout - all noise carries. We had the same problems when the kids were small. Nap time was always good for a quickie. And when they outgrow naps, video games are FABULOUS for getting some uninterrupted time with your spouse. ;D
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 9:58:17 GMT -5
YES!!! DS is up with the sun whether it's a weekday or weekend, so letting him play Wii for a 1/2 hour while we ease into our Saturday is a godsend!
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jun 28, 2012 10:40:26 GMT -5
I think the best thing we ever did and it worked for awhile until the drugs got ahold of him, was we took turns with another couple and kept their kids over night and they kept ours. Sleeping in, having morning sex when we weren't exhausted at night, and going to brunch was the best thing ever! That is a GOOD idea. And I actually know someone who's having her first baby also, it's due within a week of mine. Too bad we don't live near each other! There is a very nice family next door with three kids, two of whom are old enough to babysit. I'm thinking to enlist them when they want to earn some extra money. good advice, but I think FB's asking about more than just being a sperm depository. You two are really helping my self-esteem ;D We still have occassional date nights, but we've found it easier to connect as a married couple once we stopped putting so much emphasis on the concept of "date nights" and started taking our alone time whenever we could get it. Sounds sensible. This is one reason I'm beyond grateful that DH's new job puts him close to home. One of us having a 2-hour commute is PLENTY. By the time I get home, he's had time to relax and unwind and things are just so much nicer. And its easy to HAVE time to "preserve your interests" and "spend time together" when you have ample child care via family, or via resources to hire it.A very excellent point. We're really lucky in that sense. No, we weren't as financially prepared as we should have been but we have plenty and we have strong family support, not to mention two hella understanding jobs (at least one of us will have the option of working partially from home for awhile). Yeah, we're super blessed. It also helps to have a spouse who gives a damn about romance. So again, if you are asking the question, its probably already too late. I think it depends on your definition of romance. I'm not the flowers and candy type. Most of what makes me fall in love with DH is who he is and what he does on a daily basis. Just having him around makes me feel good about life. So in that sense, I'm not worried. But as Drama puts it, we're about to set off a bomb in our living room - so I figure it can't hurt to pick up a few tips
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jun 28, 2012 10:43:11 GMT -5
I'll admit not having family watch Gwen all the time has had more advantages than I thought it would originally. What about both of you taking the day off but not telling her you did?
Hahaha - why on earth bother lying about that? We'll be paying her so from her perspective it makes no difference whether we're at work or not. But this is a good idea - taking the day off to be alone and still stashing Babybird with the grandma, I mean.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,228
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2012 10:46:42 GMT -5
With MJ her MIL expects if they are home that they keep Joey at home with them. If they wanted to be able to do that they'd have to keep it quiet.
I don't have to do that with my parents or his parents.
|
|
zdaddy
Established Member
Joined: Jun 20, 2012 13:29:02 GMT -5
Posts: 295
|
Post by zdaddy on Jun 28, 2012 10:58:22 GMT -5
Firebird, I wish I could offer lots of advice but it's honestly something that my wife and I have struggled with. One bit of advice I'd give you now is - if you can afford the time and money - go take a long weekend "babymoon." My wife and I went out to a wonderful bed and breakfast by the coast. It was an awesome way to relax and connect before the craziness of being new parents began.
Also, I'll echo the sentiments about how important it is to keep some sense of being a couple. But you don't have to worry about that for the first several months. During that time you'll be in survival mode. It's going to be hectic and sometimes scary, but also incredible.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jun 28, 2012 11:04:11 GMT -5
One bit of advice I'd give you now is - if you can afford the time and money - go take a long weekend "babymoon."
We plan to go camping as often as possible this summer - the first time we went it was very close to a perfect weekend, and a great chance to reconnect. And we'll definitely do at least one long weekend before the summer is over.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 26, 2024 14:12:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2012 11:06:58 GMT -5
One bit of advice I'd give you now is - if you can afford the time and money - go take a long weekend "babymoon."We plan to go camping as often as possible this summer - the first time we went it was very close to a perfect weekend, and a great chance to reconnect. And we'll definitely do at least one long weekend before the summer is over. as your joints and muscles change, be sure to pack a comfy air mattress.
|
|