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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 9, 2012 13:42:23 GMT -5
What about the fact that she has been ACTIVELY deceiving him for months? She may think she loves him, but her actions show that the only person she TRULY loves is herself. It's fine because she loves him enough to want to have his baby. And everyone knows that a baby solves everything. /sarcasm. As others have said, bringing a child into the relationship is difficult enough when both parents are on the same timeline. A deception like this cannot help but to breed resentment. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:42:25 GMT -5
We were at her little cousin last Saturday for his first communion. One of the kid vomit and I was helping cleaning it up. So they were talking and did not see me heading back to them and basically her cousin was telling her how I would be a good dad. My wife said yes and she was worried she had fertility issue since she couldn't seem to get pregnant (last I check we were not trying). She went as far as getting tested to see if she had fertility issues (news to me). It seems for a couple of months now she has been telling me she was not ovulating when she was at her peak in a effort to get pregnant. Her cousin suggested the drug and she did not answer since her mother interrupted then at the time. So we had a huge argument over the weekend. When we finally talked, her defense was that A) she was not trying to trick me into knocking he up but more so not trying not to get pregnant. It would be an accident and we would just both accept it. B) she would have never drugged me C) she feels that having a baby would make things easier, easier for her to just move, etc. D) best part: she suggested that I may want to get tested for fertility because she should have gotten pregnant. E) my cousin that got married a day after us just announce she was pregnant with her third... That did not help. She wants a baby now, I am not ready for one now and more certain about it more than ever. It is unfair of her to push it on me and it would be unfair of me to hold her from having one. And yes I told her the whole trust thing and how could I trust her. Her logic is it wouldn't be really tricking me since we both want kids and just can't seem to agree on the timeline... Her accidentally getting pregnant would solve that and after all she only wants 1. It would only be tricking if I did not want kid period or she was trying to keep me from leaving her. After all we were both on board to have kids not to long ago. Cluster fuck! That's it??? Women are crazy. Get used to it. Sound like normal women type behavior to me. I don't see what the big deal is. |
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 9, 2012 13:42:48 GMT -5
*hugs*
So this is one time, I like the adoption process- where we have to be interviewed together and separately to make sure that we are both on board with this process. That includes answering questions about how we make major decisions- like the decision to have kids in general and adopt in particular.
But your situation is your situation, not mine. And your life is yours, not mine. I will continue to advocate for counseling, no matter what you do, because it never hurts to get professional, non-judgemental help when going through these decisions. (And like it or not, we internet friends judge everything based on our own life experiences. That doens't make us bad, just not as helpful to you as a trained counselor or therapist will be.)
The one true positive here is that you do not have kids yet. You are free to make the decision that is best for you and you alone.
What any of us thinks does not matter.
What your extended family thinks does not matter.
What your mother and her mother think does not matter
What your wife thinks does not matter.
Only how YOU feel, only what YOU think matters right now. And that is both an easy and a tough place to be in. Just know that this is a time in your life when you have every right to be completely selfish.
Regardless of how we here would react, only you can make the right decision for you. But please, get yourself some help sorting in all out.
And even if you don't get marital counseling, I would suggest your wife see someone, too. It sounds like she isn't sure what is more important to her- having a baby NOW or your marriage. She needs to figure that out for herself, too.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:43:43 GMT -5
There also was probably a lot of outside pressure to have a baby. Just the fact that this conversation happened means not only was there pressure, but others were in on the deceit - that would bother me a lot. How much of the family knew she was trying to get pregnant behind his back. I also wonder how long this has been going on. Don't they usually tell you to give it 12-24 months before worrying about fertility? I would think most docs would just tell you to give it more time if it had only been a few months. God, Angel, that's a good/interesting point that hadn't crossed my mind. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:44:52 GMT -5
*hugs* So this is one time, I like the adoption process- where we have to be interviewed together and separately to make sure that we are both on board with this process. That includes answering questions about how we make major decisions- like the decision to have kids in general and adopt in particular. But your situation is your situation, not mine. And your life is yours, not mine. I will continue to advocate for counseling, no matter what you do, because it never hurts to get professional, non-judgemental help when going through these decisions. (And like it or not, we internet friends judge everything based on our own life experiences. That doens't make us bad, just not as helpful to you as a trained counselor or therapist will be.) The one true positive here is that you do not have kids yet. You are free to make the decision that is best for you and you alone. What any of us thinks does not matter. What your extended family thinks does not matter. What your mother and her mother think does not matter What your wife thinks does not matter. Only how YOU feel, only what YOU think matters right now. And that is both an easy and a tough place to be in. Just know that this is a time in your life when you have every right to be completely selfish. Regardless of how we here would react, only you can make the right decision for you. But please, get yourself some help sorting in all out. And even if you don't get marital counseling, I would suggest your wife see someone, too. It sounds like she isn't sure what is more important to her- having a baby NOW or your marriage. She needs to figure that out for herself, too. Beautifully said Shane.  |
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 9, 2012 13:45:47 GMT -5
It's fine because she loves him enough to want to have his baby. And everyone knows that a baby solves everything. /sarcasm. Well, think about her problems. She can't find a job where he lives. She really wants to be a SAHM. She wants a baby now. All 3 problems solved with one simple pregnancy. He won't tell her to not move yet, he can't be mad she isn't working, & she gets a baby. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:46:10 GMT -5
I don't remember who said it, but someone suggested that you two take care of a family member's infant or small child for a full 24-hour period before you have kids. That way, you both can appreciate the physical and emotional drain that parenthood can be. <Beth volunteers Jenny's Joey so Jenny can have 48 hours at home without the kid...  >   Angel, IMO it seems like DW is too chicken to tell her family to GTFO of their business. I had to have that talk with DH because his family is very nosey. I told him that our families don't need to know every single aspect of our lives. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:46:41 GMT -5
*hugs* So this is one time, I like the adoption process- where we have to be interviewed together and separately to make sure that we are both on board with this process. That includes answering questions about how we make major decisions- like the decision to have kids in general and adopt in particular. But your situation is your situation, not mine. And your life is yours, not mine. I will continue to advocate for counseling, no matter what you do, because it never hurts to get professional, non-judgemental help when going through these decisions. (And like it or not, we internet friends judge everything based on our own life experiences. That doens't make us bad, just not as helpful to you as a trained counselor or therapist will be.) The one true positive here is that you do not have kids yet. You are free to make the decision that is best for you and you alone. What any of us thinks does not matter. What your extended family thinks does not matter. What your mother and her mother think does not matter What your wife thinks does not matter. Only how YOU feel, only what YOU think matters right now. And that is both an easy and a tough place to be in. Just know that this is a time in your life when you have every right to be completely selfish. Regardless of how we here would react, only you can make the right decision for you. But please, get yourself some help sorting in all out. And even if you don't get marital counseling, I would suggest your wife see someone, too. It sounds like she isn't sure what is more important to her- having a baby NOW or your marriage. She needs to figure that out for herself, too.  |
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 9, 2012 13:47:55 GMT -5
I was just popping in to say I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you make the decision that is right for you and your future. I know that figuring out what you want to do next is going to be rough. We're here! I was going to refrain from saying anything else because I really don't see how hearing what my deal-breakers are or what I think of your wife is going to help at all. But this very recent post caught my eye:
::Carl has also said that he has the responsibility for all contraception already::
If this is true, and you have been willing to have sex at all without protection, I can see how she would extrapolate that you weren't REALLY opposed to having a kid now. I'm not suggesting she was in the right, but a willingness to boff without protection might lead to a true misunderstanding about one's level of opposition to having a baby.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on May 9, 2012 13:49:52 GMT -5
Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through.. LOL! Now focus dude, our virtual brother is hurting here. I think we need a Chicks of YM road trip to smack some sense into Mrs. C. Im going to Cooperstown in two weeks and i think i need to make a side trip to give Carl a hug! |
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 9, 2012 13:51:19 GMT -5
That's it??? Women are crazy. Get used to it. Sound like normal women type behavior to me. I don't see what the big deal is. LMAO! And  |
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Post by Opti on May 9, 2012 13:52:35 GMT -5
There also was probably a lot of outside pressure to have a baby. Just the fact that this conversation happened means not only was there pressure, but others were in on the deceit - that would bother me a lot. How much of the family knew she was trying to get pregnant behind his back. I also wonder how long this has been going on. Don't they usually tell you to give it 12-24 months before worrying about fertility? I would think most docs would just tell you to give it more time if it had only been a few months. God, Angel, that's a good/interesting point that hadn't crossed my mind. I think she would have just amended her story to be we've been trying really hard for a few months but we've been trying for a couple years and poof, you have your test. If she's lying to Carl why bother telling the truth to a doctor? |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:54:48 GMT -5
But you're the Queen of the Bitches! How can you NOT see the helpfulness in dishing about someone? |
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 9, 2012 13:54:58 GMT -5
That's it??? Women are crazy. Get used to it. Sound like normal women type behavior to me. I don't see what the big deal is. LMAO! And I think Archie is either volunteering to foot all the kids bills or is looking for the YM Chicks to make a practice stop in CT first before visiting Mrs. C. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:57:11 GMT -5
LMAO! And I think Archie is either volunteering to foot all the kids bills or is looking for the YM Chicks to make a practice stop in CT first before visiting Mrs. C. No, I am saying if he is going to thinking about divorcing his wife every time she is acting irrational or emotional all he is going to be doing is thinking about divorce. |
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on May 9, 2012 13:58:43 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure both would bother my husband....both are violations of trust. Sure, but one is a heat of the moment mistake. The other is cold and calculating. Then to defend it after wards... it's amazingly selfish. Like unbelievably selfish and cold. That's the part that would get me. People make mistakes. Shit happens. I get that. But something that calculating... I would wonder how much they really cared about me, and whether I could really trust them. Marriage doesn't work without trust. DH cheated on me (had an affair) it took a long time in counseling (both individually and together) to get back on track. It was over 5 years ago and there are still some lingering trust issues. But to tell you the truth- the emotional connection and lying hurt way more than the thought of them engaging in the physical act of cheating. Dark is right- the oops my penis fell into the chick while I was drunk is easier to handle than months of calculated lying. |
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 9, 2012 13:59:50 GMT -5
Irrational and emotional is one thing, lying and manipulating the one person on the planet that you swore to love and support in front of god and everyone is something else.
ETA - Loop if you're reading this, and for some stupid reason tricked my broke ass younger self into our oops babies, you better take that secret to your grave.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:01:01 GMT -5
Irrational and emotional is one thing, lying and manipulating the one person on the planet that you swore to love and support in front of god and everyone is something else. Only Cawaii can say whether he feels he has been manipulated and lied to. I don't see it from what he posted. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:01:05 GMT -5
I swore in front of Elvis and everyone else, does it still count?  |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:01:55 GMT -5
I swore in front of Elvis and everyone else, does it still count? swearing is bad, young lady!!!   |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:02:52 GMT -5
Irrational and emotional is one thing, lying and manipulating the one person on the planet that you swore to love and support in front of god and everyone is something else. Only Cawaii can say whether he feels he has been manipulated and lied to. I don't see it from what he posted. you must be reading a different thread. |
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 9, 2012 14:03:17 GMT -5
But you're the Queen of the Bitches! How can you NOT see the helpfulness in dishing about someone? LOL. It ain't easy, sister!!! And I'm not relinquishing my title! But the truth of the matter is likely this: the people espousing the position you want to hear are validating and awesome; the others are likely just really f'ing annoying. And I'm fully cognizant of how little I actually know about their relationship and all the gray areas in it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:03:42 GMT -5
Only Cawaii can say whether he feels he has been manipulated and lied to. I don't see it from what he posted. you must be reading a different thread. I've only read what Cawaii is posting.. . Not what the rest of the yentas on this thread are yacking about. |
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 9, 2012 14:05:56 GMT -5
I've only read what Cawaii is posting.. . Not what the rest of the yentas on this thread are yacking about. Uh huh. *looks up at thread title again* Yeah... just a gut feeling, but I'd say the guy is pretty pissed about the whole situation. So I think it's safe to conclude he feels at least a little betrayed. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:06:40 GMT -5
I've only read what Cawaii is posting.. . Not what the rest of the yentas on this thread are yacking about. Uh huh. *looks up at thread title again* Yeah... just a gut feeling, but I'd say the guy is pretty pissed about the whole situation. So I think it's safe to conclude he feels at least a little betrayed. Yes. And my point is that I think he is overreacting. Since I am only reading what he is posting and not living his life, that is all I can do. |
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 9, 2012 14:08:17 GMT -5
Only Cawaii can say whether he feels he has been manipulated and lied to. I don't see it from what he posted. you must be reading a different thread. Perhaps Shooby and Archie are reading the same alternate thread. Hmmm. |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 14:08:25 GMT -5
Sorry, Carl. I haven't read this whole thread so maybe this has been addressed...Many times it isn't the wife who is pushing her husband to get her pregnant, but rather the wife's mother. This might be why wife is saying one thing, but thinking and doing another. Maybe she's trying to please the two people she cares the most about? How much interference is coming from mom's direction? Holy crap, have you read any of Cawiau's post about their families pushing them to have a baby? |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:08:37 GMT -5
yentas?  |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 14:12:42 GMT -5
He must have had a bagel with schmear for lunch.  |
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 9, 2012 14:12:58 GMT -5
yentas? Archie obviously had bad drugs with lunch. Of course I do kind of wonder what kind of behavior he feels is acceptable and normal from his own wife given what he's posting. I think its best I don't know and just celebrate the fact they are both off the market. |
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