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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:21:28 GMT -5
Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through.. LOL! Now focus dude, our virtual brother is hurting here. I think we need a Chicks of YM road trip to smack some sense into Mrs. C. <<throws boxing gloves and field hockey stick in the trunk>>  |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:22:47 GMT -5
Carl, do you love your wife to give her a second chance? Would she love you enough to do so if you made a mistake? Sorry that i cannot jump onto the "get a divorce" bandwagon. That is not something i would divorce my spouse over, not even close. If you do, your choice completely but there are some of us here who would not. I dont' think anyone has said "you need to divorce her now." They've noted it's a difficult situation, that the trust is gone, and they need counseling. I don't think I could ever get the trust back after that. I think I'd prefer my spouse cheated than pulled a stunt like Mrs. C. The trust isn't "gone" . The reason so many things get blown all out of proportion is because people start talking in catastrophic language like saying the "trust is gone". Really? It is gone? That quickly? Over a an overhead converstation none of which there isn't any evidence that she followed through with? How about talking to the wife and hearing her side and then going from there. And, no i would not divorce over that. |
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on May 9, 2012 13:23:34 GMT -5
The worst part, I think, is the conversation that took place after you overheard what was happening. If she had cried, apologized, begged for mercy, told you how her heart was aching for child, etc., I would be inclined to forgive this. But she didn't own up to her deceit. She defended her actions. For me, that's the scary part.  |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:23:50 GMT -5
The worst part, I think, is the conversation that took place after you overheard what was happening. If she had cried, apologized, begged for mercy, told you how her heart was aching for child, etc., I would be inclined to forgive this. But she didn't own up to her deceit. She defended her actions. For me, that's the scary part. Eh, I dunno. Cawiau's posts make her sound like an immature spoiled brat, and it's just the actions of a spoiled brat who can't get her own way. Not that I'm excusing what she did. |
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kindthatjingles
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Post by kindthatjingles on May 9, 2012 13:25:08 GMT -5
I think what bother me the most was the extent of the lie.
Actually going to check on her fertility to see what was taking the scheme so long.
In the best of circumstances, a baby coming is stressful. When both parents are not on board, it makes for hard times.
My Ex wavered on having more children, When the decision was made to go ahead I was on bed rest for 10 weeks and I had a preemie born at 28 weeks. He became resentful of me because he didn't sign up for the extra "drama".
First indication I had a husband but not a "partner"
He cheated on me and got a woman pregnant who swore she was on bc. She is 40 and had no kids and I think she saw opportunity. He admits he got duped and has told others that he cannot trust her because of this. They have been engaged for 2.5 years but have not married. He got a vasectomy right after baby was born to stop the baby factory.
Mrs. C is young enough that waiting until they were both on board should not be devastating to her fertility.
I wish people wouldn't try underhanded things. The truth is so much easier to deal with.
"I'm ready for a baby. How can we make this happen sooner rather than later?"
Prayers hug and what not. Take some thinking time for yourself
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 9, 2012 13:25:17 GMT -5
I dont' think anyone has said "you need to divorce her now." They've noted it's a difficult situation, that the trust is gone, and they need counseling. I don't think I could ever get the trust back after that. I think I'd prefer my spouse cheated than pulled a stunt like Mrs. C. The trust isn't "gone" . The reason so many things get blown all out of proportion is because people start talking in catastrophic language like saying the "trust is gone". Really? It is gone? That quickly? Over a an overhead converstation none of which there isn't any evidence that she followed through with? How about talking to the wife and hearing her side and then going from there. And, no i would not divorce over that. Did you miss post #145? He did talk to her. She was trying to get pregnant without his knowledge. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:25:39 GMT -5
I think we need a Chicks of YM road trip to smack some sense into Mrs. C. <<throws boxing gloves and field hockey stick in the trunk>> <Beth goes to find Drama's 2x4 and cast iron pan.> |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:25:45 GMT -5
I think you need to read Cawiau's post on the previous page about what happened and reconsider your answer.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 9, 2012 13:26:23 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure both would bother my husband....both are violations of trust. Sure, but one is a heat of the moment mistake. The other is cold and calculating. Then to defend it after wards... it's amazingly selfish. Like unbelievably selfish and cold. That's the part that would get me. People make mistakes. Shit happens. I get that. But something that calculating... I would wonder how much they really cared about me, and whether I could really trust them. Marriage doesn't work without trust. |
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on May 9, 2012 13:26:37 GMT -5
I dont' think anyone has said "you need to divorce her now." They've noted it's a difficult situation, that the trust is gone, and they need counseling. I don't think I could ever get the trust back after that. I think I'd prefer my spouse cheated than pulled a stunt like Mrs. C. The trust isn't "gone" . The reason so many things get blown all out of proportion is because people start talking in catastrophic language like saying the "trust is gone". Really? It is gone? That quickly? Over a an overhead converstation none of which there isn't any evidence that she followed through with? How about talking to the wife and hearing her side and then going from there. And, no i would not divorce over that. Shooby - did you miss the post where he said she had been trying to get pregnant without telling him, etc. It wasn't just an overheard conversation. There was a whole lot more to it than just that... |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:27:11 GMT -5
It would require her to stop spending money on clothes, purses, and dinners out.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:28:00 GMT -5
!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:28:01 GMT -5
It would require her to stop spending money on clothes, purses, and dinners out. Then she needs to put her money where her ovaries are? Hmmm, that worked better in my head than in print... ETA to correct spelling. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:29:09 GMT -5
It would require her to stop spending money on clothes, purses, and dinners out. Then she needs to put her money where her overies are? Hmmm, that worked better in my head than in print... well if she put her money where her ovaries are, she wouldn't be spending as much... |
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 9, 2012 13:29:55 GMT -5
Carl.....I'm sorry you are going through this.
I was under the impression that she was on board with you about waiting a couple years before getting pregnant. The fact that she has deceived you about this suggests that this was only lip service to you.
I will jump on the counseling bandwagon with the rest. Only you can know if you can forgive the deception. It is a lot easier to forgive than forget and speaking to a professional can help you sort this out in your mind.
Whatever you decide, know that you have some tremendous support on this board.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:30:45 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby.
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kindthatjingles
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Post by kindthatjingles on May 9, 2012 13:33:02 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. Wanting your husbands baby does not justify being a manipulative brat to get it. |
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kindthatjingles
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Post by kindthatjingles on May 9, 2012 13:34:48 GMT -5
Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through.. LOL! Now focus dude, our virtual brother is hurting here. I think we need a Chicks of YM road trip to smack some sense into Mrs. C. Everyone needs a friend that will show up with trash bags bleach and concrete if needed.  |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:35:04 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. So it's OK to lie to him about not being fertile and to actively try to get pregnant after telling him you would agree to wait a few years to have a baby? |
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 9, 2012 13:35:11 GMT -5
What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. so one of them lies to the other and tries to trick him into having an "oops" baby. Fixed for you. Yeah, now that I look at it that way, I totally agree with you. What's the big deal?  |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:35:14 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. What about the fact that she has been ACTIVELY deceiving him for months? She may think she loves him, but her actions show that the only person she TRULY loves is herself. |
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 9, 2012 13:36:07 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. Wanting your husbands baby does not justify being a manipulative brat to get it. Yeah, they can't decide on a timeline. So does that make it acceptable for her to create her own timeline without his knowledge or input? Still a huge breach in trust, IMO. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:36:59 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. I don't think it's right for her to go off bc and not tell him so he CAN take care of protection. I think the right way to go about it would have been to TALK about it. Not sneak around seeing ob/gyns to check her fertility and to tell him that it was a safe time when it was actually a peak time. I don't know if Carl should divorce over this or not. That's up to him and her. And at the risk of dancing on Carl while he's down, Mrs. C. has very much been a "keep up with her family", including picking out an expensive school when her mom was willing to pay for 4 years at a different school. She might very well want a baby because all the rest of her family have them, not because it's Carl's (sorry, really, really sorry Carl.) |
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Post by busymom on May 9, 2012 13:37:28 GMT -5
C, both of our kids were planned for AND wanted, but let me assure you that adding children to a relationship does NOT make things easier. Yes, it gets more difficult. For DH & I, when our first was born, he was working 7 days a week, and seriously NEVER saw our baby awake. He'd pick up our sleeping little angel out of the crib & sit in the rocking chair & rock because he'd missed the whole day. We had some great fights when she was about 9 months old, because I felt he was missing out on the entire parenting experinece, and he needed to get a different job so he'd have time at home. (He did get the new job.) Back to your situation, I would seriously suggest counseling. Trust is a problem right now, and Mrs. C doesn't understand the stress & chaos a baby adds to your life. Yes, they're cute & loveable, etc., but a baby is a full-time job all by itself. (I wonder how she'll handle it if you're working long hours, and she's doing all the diaper changes...) Wishing you the best possible outcome!  |
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 9, 2012 13:38:00 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. Carl thought that the HAD worked out the timeline and apparently Mrs. C was on board with it. She told him she was, nd lied about it. Carl has also said that he has the responsibility for all contraception already. |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:38:01 GMT -5
I did reread it and to me it does not sound like a dealbreaker , i am out the door problem. For ME. If it is for Carl, then it is. What i see is 2 people who want to have a child and can't decide on a timelime. If his spouse wants children and he doesn't yet, they can certainly work that out. Or, she can go off any and all contraception and the responsibility for protection could be up to him. There are various ways to approach it. OR, they could go to counseling to help them work out something acceptable. I presume Mrs. Carl loves Carl because she wants to have his baby. What about the fact that she has been ACTIVELY deceiving him for months? She may think she loves him, but her actions show that the only person she TRULY loves is herself. It's fine because she loves him enough to want to have his baby. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 13:38:01 GMT -5
I don't remember who said it, but someone suggested that you two take care of a family member's infant or small child for a full 24-hour period before you have kids. That way, you both can appreciate the physical and emotional drain that parenthood can be.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2012 13:39:35 GMT -5
I don't remember who said it, but someone suggested that you two take care of a family member's infant or small child for a full 24-hour period before you have kids. That way, you both can appreciate the physical and emotional drain that parenthood can be. Cawiau has significantly younger siblings, I think he's BTDT. Mrs. C is an only child. I think she's only babysat and had the fun part of babies. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 9, 2012 13:39:36 GMT -5
I don't remember who said it, but someone suggested that you two take care of a family member's infant or small child for a full 24-hour period before you have kids. That way, you both can appreciate the physical and emotional drain that parenthood can be. <Beth volunteers Jenny's Joey so Jenny can have 48 hours at home without the kid... > |
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 9, 2012 13:42:18 GMT -5
There also was probably a lot of outside pressure to have a baby. Just the fact that this conversation happened means not only was there pressure, but others were in on the deceit - that would bother me a lot. How much of the family knew she was trying to get pregnant behind his back.
I also wonder how long this has been going on. Don't they usually tell you to give it 12-24 months before worrying about fertility? I would think most docs would just tell you to give it more time if it had only been a few months.
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