How expensive can a divorce be

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 9, 2012 12:45:22 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

I'm pretty sure it's still her tricking you, it's not being honest and if you can not and do not feel that you can be totally open and honest with your SO, then something is really wrong.

I am taken aback by her rationale and her disreguard for your feelings on the issue.

[Angel!]

Holy crap!

I am so sorry, no wonder you are talking about trust issues. Sorry, but not "not trying" when lying about your ovulation is trying to trick you. It wouldn't have been an accident, on her part anyway.

I don't even know what to tell you. I recommend counseling for yourself & couples counseling if you decide you want to work through this. Sometimes trust can be re-earned, but sometimes it can't. If anytime in the future she did get accidently pregnant, then you would always wonder if it really was an accident.

I would spend some time apart & think about your relationship for a bit before actually filing for divorce.

As low-down as this is, I don't really think it is that uncommon either. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but something to think about.

[Deleted]

A) This sounds like semantic head games. "The condom broke" is an accident." I'm "not trying to not get pregnant" is on purpose.
B) good
C) I'm not a parent, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that never in the history of babies has a baby made things easier. Better, perhaps, but not easier.
D) She's got moxie, I'll give her that.
E) You're just at that age - someone will always be getting pregnant. This is a red herring.

It sounds like her nonconfrontationalness is causing her to make some deceptive and shitty choices. Since you guys aren't pregnant, there isn't any irreperable harm done. But you guys definitely need to get on the same page about kids or move on with your lives apart. Have you guys talked about counseling at all?

[Deleted]

I don't mean to throw gasoline on a fire, but this would definitely make me wonder what else she hasn't been telling the truth about.

[The Captain]

Carl - I've stayed silent but can tell you from firsthand experience a betrayal of trust is an extremely difficult thing to overcome.

In my case I had to look at the relationship and decide if my life would be better without the SO, or if I could handle staying in a relationship where trust would always be an issue.

Only you can decide. I wish there was something to say to take the pain away. Know that we are all thinking of you.

[swamp]

All I can say is

And for Cawiau.

Wow...............

[Deleted]

Only you can decide. I wish there was something to say to take the pain away. Know that we are all thinking of you.

[Deleted]

Carl, wow. I will echo previous posters and say please get yourselves into some marriage counseling YESTERDAY.

many many hugs

[Deleted]

Carl, that's wretched behavior on her part. I'd suggest you keep your hands off of her no matter what. I can just picture her trying to conceive a kid in a "kiss-and-make-up" moment.

I did have an "accidentally-on-purpose" baby but we both knew we were taking a chance (I didn't bother using a diaphragm). Our son was a joy to both of us (and still is to DH, who is his stepfather, and me) but it sure as heck didn't improve the relationship.

[swamp]

I have 2 kids, both were wanted. One showed up a little earlier than planned, but we had planned on 2 kids. It was still hard and didn't make our lives easier. And like Wisc. Beth, I was ready to run away at one point too.

[Opti]

I'm so sorry. This is a big betrayal of trust. I totally disagree with her
reasoning in A). Either you are trying to prevent pregnancy or you are not. If you are not trying to prevent pregnancy it isn't an accident if you get pregnant.

D) Over the top. I probably wouldn't want to talk to her either.

I would have liked to have kids, but I think its more important to have the right person in your life. Others prefer kids over spouses.

So sorry. Hope it works out as best it can for you.

[Angel!]

May 9, 2012 13:02:20 GMT -5 swamp said:

I have 2 kids, both were wanted. One showed up a little earlier than planned, but we had planned on 2 kids. It was still hard and didn't make our lives easier. And like Wisc. Beth, I was ready to run away at one point too.

Yeah, the fact that she wanted a baby because it would make things easier really bothers me. That sentiment & the lying/manipulating to get a baby is something that you expect from 16-18 yr olds. Not something you expect from a grown, married woman.

She should realize how difficult it is to raise a baby & how nothing gets easier & it is really difficult on even the best marriages. It bothers me that she doesn't see that.

The behavior & her feelings on babies making things easier would cause me to question most of her views on life - whether or not we are really on the same page on the important issues.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I have no real advice to offer, since you're the only person here who really understands all the little intricacies of your relationship.

Personally, I would have serious doubts about the long term prospects for my marriage if I found out my wife had been deceiving me about something that major. I'm a child of a broken home, and I never wanted my kids to have to experience that. So for me, I had to be absolutely certain that I could trust my wife before we had kids. If I found out Loop had been lying to me about something this life altering before we had kids, I honestly don't know what I would do. Once the kids come into the picture I have to be able to trust her completely for at least the next 20 years. If she's willing to lie to you about this, what else could she rationalize?

I'm not saying leave her, or don't leave her, just trying to imagine how I'd feel in the same place. My thoughts are with you, because that's a pretty shitty situation all around.

[Deleted]

Carl, do you love your wife to give her a second chance? Would she love you enough to do so if you made a mistake? Sorry that i cannot jump onto the "get a divorce" bandwagon. That is not something i would divorce my spouse over, not even close. If you do, your choice completely but there are some of us here who would not.

[whoisjohngalt]

There are few things that for "me" are harder to forgive than lying. I told that to pretty much every guy I dated, pretty much on the first date.

That being said - Carl, only YOU know your wife and do YOU think she was being dishonest?

There are times when people do things that everyone else might find it wrong, appalling, deceptive or anything else. But there IS a possiblity that the 'wrongdoer" really didn't think of it that way.

Things are rarely black and white and "I" would do some serious thinking and soul-searching to try to figure out what was really in my spouse's head and heart before making any permanent decisions.

Good luck to you!!!!

Lena

[Peace Of Mind]

Only you can decide. I wish there was something to say to take the pain away. Know that we are all thinking of you.

This ^^. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, Carl. But I'm glad you over heard this conversation in time before she got pregnant. There is nothing I hate more than somebody being dishonest over something that important. Wishing you a happy solution to this problem soon!

(((Hugs)))

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 13:07:10 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Carl, do you love your wife to give her a second chance? Would she love you enough to do so if you made a mistake? Sorry that i cannot jump onto the "get a divorce" bandwagon. That is not something i would divorce my spouse over, not even close. If you do, your choice completely but there are some of us here who would not.

I dont' think anyone has said "you need to divorce her now." They've noted it's a difficult situation, that the trust is gone, and they need counseling.

I don't think I could ever get the trust back after that. I think I'd prefer my spouse cheated than pulled a stunt like Mrs. C.

[movingforward]

"If she's willing to lie to you about this, what else could she rationalize?"

[Sum Dum Gai]

That is not something i would divorce my spouse over, not even close.

Your wife lying to you and trying to trick you into a life altering situation isn't something that would make you question whether or not this is a person you should spend the rest of your life with? Seriously? That would bother me more than her getting drunk and fucking some guy at a party.

[Angel!]

May 9, 2012 13:07:10 GMT -5 @shooby said:

That is not something i would divorce my spouse over, not even close.

Really? I find it to be a HUGE breach of trust. She is lying & manipulating to get her way in something as big as having a baby. I would have major trust issues with someone that will lie & deceive on that level. What else would they be willing to lie/manipulate in order to get?

While I wouldn't say he should or shouldn't divorce, I wouldn't judge him for choosing to divorce over something this major.

[swamp]

Yeah, the fact that she wanted a baby because it would make things easier really bothers me. That sentiment & the lying/manipulating to get a baby is something that you expect from 16-18 yr olds. Not something you expect from a grown, married woman.

sooooooooooooooooo

Your wife lying to you and trying to trick you into a life altering situation isn't something that would make you question whether or not this is a person you should spend the rest of your life with? Seriously? That would bother me more than her getting drunk and fucking some guy at a party.

Amen.

[movingforward]

Swamp - every time you say Mrs. C it makes me think of Happy Days

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 13:12:05 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

That would bother me more than her getting drunk and fucking some guy at a party.

Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through..

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 13:14:37 GMT -5 @mmc said:

May 9, 2012 13:12:05 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

That would bother me more than her getting drunk and fucking some guy at a party.

Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through..

LOL






and I agree with Dark 100%

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 13:14:12 GMT -5 movingforward said:

Swamp - every time you say Mrs. C it makes me think of Happy Days

sit on it.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through..

LOL!
Now focus dude, our virtual brother is hurting here.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 13:17:28 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Sorry about that BTW.. I was just passing through..

LOL!
Now focus dude, our virtual brother is hurting here.

I think we need a Chicks of YM road trip to smack some sense into Mrs. C.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 9, 2012 13:02:20 GMT -5 swamp said:

I have 2 kids, both were wanted. One showed up a little earlier than planned, but we had planned on 2 kids. It was still hard and didn't make our lives easier. And like Wisc. Beth, I was ready to run away at one point too.

Both of ours are oops babies. With DD I was on bcp (which I didn't always remember to take but DH knew that) and with DS, I thought we were in a safe time. We weren't. But DH KNEW in both cases. And we both thought I wouldn't get pregnant because we were BOTH told we'd need medical intervention to get pregnant/father children. And neither one has made our lives easier. Do we love the kids and would fight the fires of Hell to keep them safe and loved, YES. But they do NOT make things easier.

[skubikky]

Carl, I'm so sorry that this happened. I'd guess you're feeling very, very angry for being betrayed. Understandable and expected.

That being said, try to give yourself enough time to really cool down before you decide anything. Your wife was willing to
forgo your feelings and your trust in order to get pregnant. That's how compelled she felt. She really screwed up. She knows it, and it might explain her somewhat passive response to your talk of divorce.

Most marriages have rough spots. The kind where something happens that could be what is considered a "deal breaker". Only you can decide whether or not staying with your wife
is something that you want to do. Even though she acted in what could be seen as an unforgivable way, I know that you still love her and would have to admit that she's still the same person.
Her selfishness manifested itself in a way that has caused a breech in what was a pretty good marriage. But, trust me when I tell you that it can be gotten over and you can go on and still love her and she love you. It will take time.

Is it worth working for? Is it worth hanging in there for?
Do you think you have it in you to forgive her?
Does she truly realize the hurt and anger that has resulted?
What will it take for your relationship with her to be mended to the point where you can go on and be a husband and wife that share trust and love?

If you two can work through this and salvage the love and history you share, I think you'll be glad that you did.

As always, best wishes to you.

[Miss Tequila]

"That would bother me more than her getting drunk and fucking some guy at a party. "

I'm pretty sure both would bother my husband....both are violations of trust.