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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 11:03:32 GMT -5
- I never had an "age" for wanting to be a dad, it has always been when I felt financially stable/ready. At 25 we were in no shape to become parents. - Either the money is going to go toward 401k or her student loans. Her current federal payments are based on 2010 when I was the only one working until september and gross income was 44k. 2012 we are looking at 100k+. - I am not making it an age thing, and I told her already: -> credit card gone -> my car loan gone -> at least 15k in savings - She knows my stance about her being a stay at home parent and it hasn't change in 4 years married: ain't gonna happen. Temporarily after the baby is born (up to a year) I am ok with, permanently? NO! Last week I reiterate it and she called me a selfish jerk. - my wife student loans payment are currently at about $650/month and before we went income based route they were $1,000/month. - We could survive on my income alone but that would require some serious cutbacks that my wife would just balk at; if she wants to maintain a certain lifestyle she will need to work for it. A person that shops at Pier 1, Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn and throwing herself an hors d'oeuvres / small bite party this Saturday will not be happy with the lifestyle a 52k/year income would provide with a kid thrown in the mix. Total costs for the party is about $400 so far but her mom is covering it so I am not concerned (girl only party/get together). I am sure you have said this to her before, but at this point it is falling on deaf ears. Talking to a counselor might help her see that her spending is one of the things preventing her from getting the lifestyle she wants. |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 10, 2012 11:04:24 GMT -5
With your incomes, I don't see why that can't happen in about 6 months if you really buckle down.
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The J
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Post by The J on May 10, 2012 11:04:40 GMT -5
- Either the money is going to go toward 401k or her student loans. . . . - I am not making it an age thing, and I told her already: -> credit card gone -> my car loan gone -> at least 15k in savings Why can't the money go to those three things instead? |
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on May 10, 2012 11:04:55 GMT -5
- She knows my stance about her being a stay at home parent and it hasn't change in 4 years married: ain't gonna happen. Temporarily after the baby is born (up to a year) I am ok with, permanently? NO! Last week I reiterate it and she called me a selfish jerk. Yikes.  C has a perfectly reasonable position. He does not want all the pressure of supporting the family on his shoulders. |
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on May 10, 2012 11:05:50 GMT -5
- She knows my stance about her being a stay at home parent and it hasn't change in 4 years married: ain't gonna happen. Temporarily after the baby is born (up to a year) I am ok with, permanently? NO! Last week I reiterate it and she called me a selfish jerk. Yikes. How exactly do you propose to "force her back to work"?? Women these days get to make up their own minds and do what they want...oh how I long for the days of yesteryear.... |
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on May 10, 2012 11:06:52 GMT -5
Yikes. C has a perfectly reasonable position. He does not want all the pressure of supporting the family on his shoulders. Pretty sure I didn't say otherwise. But I guess since I'm a woman....... |
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on May 10, 2012 11:07:14 GMT -5
With your incomes, I don't see why that can't happen in about 6 months if you really buckle down. Exactly (as usual swamp and I agree again) now buckle down!! |
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 11:07:17 GMT -5
And what happened to the "separate finances" thing? You want all the debt gone, but are OK with if she leases a Mini-Cooper? I still don't agree with the deception on Mrs. C's part, but putting myself in her shoes... there are a LOT of mixed messages and switching back and forth (15% to retirement, then 25%, back to 15% to pay down debt, back up to 25%...) I can't really blame her for assuming you'd change your mind, you do seem to change it pretty often  |
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on May 10, 2012 11:07:27 GMT -5
Its all nice and easy to blame the missing party, but I do feel that Mrs C HAS adjusted a lot too.
She's done a lot of adjusting. First she was emotionally a four year old throwing temper tantrums.
Now she is an eight year old throwing temper tantrums.
Tough life.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2012 11:08:05 GMT -5
I don't think anyone has said what he wants is unreasonable. We've said that perhaps a counselor can help them with this because Mrs. C seems to think it is unreasonable.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on May 10, 2012 11:08:18 GMT -5
Exactly (as usual swamp and I agree again)
now buckle down!!
Maybe he just does not want a child right now.
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 11:09:29 GMT -5
- Either the money is going to go toward 401k or her student loans. . . . - I am not making it an age thing, and I told her already: -> credit card gone -> my car loan gone -> at least 15k in savings Why can't the money go to those three things instead? good point. |
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 11:09:30 GMT -5
Oh G-d, I wish your wife would read your posts sometimes, bc may be she wouldn't be so eager to have kids with your right now either. Not only you are all over the place with what you want/don't want, but this "I told HER, this is how it's going to be" crap - she doesn't seem to be taking you too seriously. And I think she has a good reason for that.
Lena
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on May 10, 2012 11:10:09 GMT -5
I don't think anyone has said what he wants is unreasonable. We've said that perhaps a counselor can help them with this because Mrs. C seems to think it is unreasonable. What he wants is completely unreasonable - the woman is 27 - give her some kids so her life can have some meaning already!! |
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2012 11:10:32 GMT -5
A child is a huge responsibility. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared financially. He has concrete goals of what he wants to have before they start trying to have a kid. He's not throwing some wishy washy I want to be set financially statement out there.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 10, 2012 11:11:12 GMT -5
Yikes. C has a perfectly reasonable position. He does not want all the pressure of supporting the family on his shoulders. Crap, get me in on the group counseling, I agree with SF. If Mrs. C was into couponing, and didn't like to shop, and didn't care to go out, I'd say he is being kind of selfish, but she wants a certain lifestyle that he is not able to provide. If she wants to live a certain way, she's got to provide some of the income too. |
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2012 11:11:23 GMT -5
I don't think anyone has said what he wants is unreasonable. We've said that perhaps a counselor can help them with this because Mrs. C seems to think it is unreasonable. What he wants is completely unreasonable - the woman is 27 - give her some kids so her life can have some meaning already!! Oh damn I didn't know my life completely lacked meaning bc I made it to 27 without getting knocked up. |
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 11:11:27 GMT -5
Exactly (as usual swamp and I agree again)
now buckle down!! Maybe he just does not want a child right now. Only wierdos don't want kids. |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 10, 2012 11:12:29 GMT -5
C has a perfectly reasonable position. He does not want all the pressure of supporting the family on his shoulders. Pretty sure I didn't say otherwise. But I guess since I'm a woman....... Since you're a woman, you're an emotional and irrational ninny who spends her salary on floral spray wall hangings. |
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 10, 2012 11:13:05 GMT -5
Maybe he just does not want a child right now.
Then he needs to state that point blank and they need to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not.
I waffled and kept moving the goalposts on DH, which isn't fair becuase he'd jump thru my hoop and then I've move it again rather than just be honest with him about my (at the time) lack of desire to have kids.
We ended up in counseling over other issues but children came up. The therapist forced me to give DH a yes or no answer on kids. The answer at the time was no.
Broke DH's heart and we had a chilly relationship for awhile.
Once he cooled off we sat down and had a frank discussion about the subject.
I get Carl's desire to be finanically stable but if it is just he doesn't want kids right now period he needs to tell Mrs C that and let her decide if that is a dealbreaker for her or not.
By moving the goal posts around this is where they've ended up.
I'm not saying her actions are remotely acceptable, but I can see why they ended up here just based on what little we know from Carl's previous threads, especially the ones about kids.
In one he even announced he was tossing the condoms, then came back and said he changed his mind.
Either he wants kids now or he doesn't want kids now. Mrs. C clearly wants them NOW. He needs to give her a straight answer.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2012 11:13:20 GMT -5
C has a perfectly reasonable position. He does not want all the pressure of supporting the family on his shoulders. Crap, get me in on the group counseling, I agree with SF. If Mrs. C was into couponing, and didn't like to shop, and didn't care to go out, I'd say he is being kind of selfish, but she wants a certain lifestyle that he is not able to provide. If she wants to live a certain way, she's got to provide some of the income too. I think we need a YM counselor bc damn I agreed with hoops yesterday and SF today. She wants it all without having to work. She thinks she's a pretty little princess who deserves to have a kid now, be a sahm and not have to adjust her lifestyle. Life's not a fairy tale. |
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on May 10, 2012 11:13:24 GMT -5
Pretty sure I didn't say otherwise. But I guess since I'm a woman....... Since you're a woman, you're an emotional and irrational ninny who spends her salary on floral spray wall hangings. WTF are floral spray wall hangings? |
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 11:13:46 GMT -5
Pretty sure I didn't say otherwise. But I guess since I'm a woman....... Since you're a woman, you're an emotional and irrational ninny who spends her salary on floral spray wall hangings. I don't even know what that is.... do I have to turn in my chick card? |
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on May 10, 2012 11:13:56 GMT -5
What he wants is completely unreasonable - the woman is 27 - give her some kids so her life can have some meaning already!! Oh damn I didn't know my life completely lacked meaning bc I made it to 27 without getting knocked up. you're welcome...I am here to help you ladies understand life better. |
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 11:14:12 GMT -5
Thank G-d I don't need those since my house is already covered with floral wallpaper every-freking-where
Lena
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on May 10, 2012 11:14:30 GMT -5
Exactly (as usual swamp and I agree again)
now buckle down!! Maybe he just does not want a child right now. Only wierdos don't want kids.  |
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on May 10, 2012 11:14:35 GMT -5
"why don't you make this about financial stability instead of time? Set a tangible financial goal - one that will make you feel better about having a kid. Then agree that when you reach it, you can TTC. Maybe that will help her to reign in her COL and spending.
I would suggest an excercise in financial self control. For six months, take the cash you would need to spend on diapers, formula, daycare and other predictable baby expenses and put it in a mason jar. If Mrs. C can do this, there might be a shot at adulthood yet.
Parenting an infant will definately change your lifestyle. Prove you can make a lifestyle change and maybe you can be trusted to move forward.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 11:14:47 GMT -5
Like this? "I never had an "age" for wanting to be a dad, it has always been when I felt financially stable/ready."
Sure, he gives examples of what I presume would get him there (car loan/CCs paid off, etc.) but I'd bet a decent amount of money that even after those boxes are checked, there will be something else. Her student loans, for example. Or if she leases a Mini under their new separate finances deal, until THAT's paid off.
Maybe I'm wrong... but I pushed back having kids for the same reasons, and it's easy to keep pushing the date back when what you thought would make you feel financially set, doesn't...
Exactly.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2012 11:14:56 GMT -5
Pretty sure I didn't say otherwise. But I guess since I'm a woman....... Since you're a woman, you're an emotional and irrational ninny who spends her salary on floral spray wall hangings. Shit does that mean I'm not a woman since I spent $2k on football tickets this week? |
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 11:15:01 GMT -5
Since you're a woman, you're an emotional and irrational ninny who spends her salary on floral spray wall hangings. I don't even know what that is.... do I have to turn in my chick card? Perhaps SF needs to be issued one because he does know!  |
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