Mid-Life Crisis

[swamp]

May 7, 2012 19:46:38 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I'm 42 and have a 4 and a 6 year old. It's going to be a while before I can take on any time intensive activities.

But Swamp, you can either get a sitter or work it out with DH if there is an evening activity you are interested in.

My kids are 14-25 and I never made OUTSIDE time for me apart from the occasional lunch with a friend or "girls night out" (we have had a group going here for a decade), and recently, Book Club. I REALLY regret that now. My lawyer friend in Rochester is a black belt. Nearly ALL my friends have a passion, but I don't.

I used to act / sing but the idea of getting back on stage for the first time in 30 years as a chubby 52YO is fairly daunting LOL.

I work some nights so I'm away from the kids enough. I have girls nights out, I play golf one night a week in the summer, but i still feel guilty when i do stuff for me.

[rileyoday]

I'm 48 now. I plan on being a "mentor" to young women when I turn 50.

[Malarky]

May 7, 2012 20:05:24 GMT -5 rileyoday said:

I'm 48 now. I plan on being a "mentor" to young women when I turn 50.

By that do you mean taking them out for drinks and counselling them on how they should make time for themselves along the way?

[Miss Tequila]

May 7, 2012 20:20:00 GMT -5 Malarky said:

May 7, 2012 20:05:24 GMT -5 rileyoday said:

I'm 48 now. I plan on being a "mentor" to young women when I turn 50.

By that do you mean taking them out for drinks

Ooh...I need a mentor

[Deleted]

I have girls nights out, I play golf one night a week in the summer, but i still feel guilty when i do stuff for me.

Swamp, if I have ONE piece of advice for you, it's PLEASE get over that guilt. As your kids get older (and time flies) they will ADMIRE you for that independence, and want to join you.

It is a VERY good lesson for kids to learn, that mommies are people too, even mommies who work.

[Miss Tequila]

May 7, 2012 20:31:19 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I have girls nights out, I play golf one night a week in the summer, but i still feel guilty when i do stuff for me.

Swamp, if I have ONE piece of advice for you, it's get over that guilt. As your kids get older (and time flies) they will ADMIRE you for that independence, and want to join you.

It is a good lesson for them to learn, that mommies are people too, even outside of work.

I felt guiltier when my kids were little..now they are 10 and 13 and it is so nice because my husband and I can leave them home for a few hours and go do some adult things..movies, dinner, etc...they don't need my constant attention like they did when they were younger

[Deleted]

May 7, 2012 20:31:19 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I have girls nights out, I play golf one night a week in the summer, but i still feel guilty when i do stuff for me.

Swamp, if I have ONE piece of advice for you, it's PLEASE get over that guilt. As your kids get older (and time flies) they will ADMIRE you for that independence, and want to join you.

It is a VERY good lesson for kids to learn, that mommies are people too, even mommies who work.

There was a special Berenstein Bears episode on On Demand called "Mama Gets a Job." Mama decides to start a quilt making business and the family has to learn to pick up the slack around the house. They were hesitant at first (the kids said "you can't work - you're our mama!"), but then they got the hang of helping out. It was actually a very good program.

[Deleted]

Agreed, Tequila!

But I think it's a good habit for them to get into as they grow up, especially if you know you are leaving them with somebody fun / trustworthy.

It's not easy to suddenly leave an 8YO or a 10YO with a sitter for the first time, it's better to start when they are younger, IMO. Again, as long as you know they are trustworthy / fun.

Our youngest got spoiled by only being "babysat for" by his three older siblings, so as they got older and less available, and we occasionally needed to hire a babysitter, it was an issue for a while LOL. The older kids used to ask me and DH, when are you going out so we can have P babysit?!

But I remember DS3 being 4, and reproaching us, I am your little boy, and you are going to leave me with a STRANGER?!

Thankfully he's 14 now LOL. And frankly he was NEVER big on babysitters, but we are close friends with his best friend's parents, so we did sleepovers instead, part of the time.

[Deleted]

Ah, MoneyJenny, there's the rub.

I haven't seen that, but that's one of my pet peeves. So it's OK for the Berenstein Bear Mama to earn money from home, and solicit her kids for help with that.

I want to see an episode on how Mama Bear Goes Out with her Girlfriends and Gets Drunk (or at least Tipsy LOL). And the family cooks dinner, clears up, and / or does the laundry.

Or Mama Beat Goes Out and Forgets to Talk About her Baby Bears for Two Hours. And the family cooks dinner, clears up and / or does the laundry.

I'm a lot older than you, MJ! I'm Cyndi Lauper's age, and I agree that sometimes, girls just wanna have fun.

ETA: SO many mixed messages about that quilting business. Too bad Mama Bear couldn't work on Wall Street if she wanted.

Insidiously, we are all perpetuating the stereotypes, and that makes me very sad.

[Deleted]

Message deleted by debthaven2.

[resolution]

How old are you supposed to be during your mid-life crisis? I never considered it a mid-life crisis but when I was 40 I quit my job, moved across the country and married a hot 28 year old. I have always considered him a grown man rather than a boy toy though. Seems to me that I improved my life rather than having a crisis.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2012 22:19:21 GMT -5 resolution said:

How old are you supposed to be during your mid-life crisis? I never considered it a mid-life crisis but when I was 40 I quit my job, moved across the country and married a hot 28 year old. I have always considered him a grown man rather than a boy toy though. Seems to me that I improved my life rather than having a crisis.

If it was a mid-life crisis, you made lemonade out of lemons.

When I think of boy toys, I think of somebody that's just for fun. Not somebody you'd take seriously or consider marrying. You dated and married a 28 year old man. My conservative side says that's better than dallying around with a boy toy.

[Formerly SK]

May 7, 2012 19:33:23 GMT -5 Malarky said:

May 7, 2012 19:29:16 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm 42 and have a 4 and a 6 year old. It's going to be a while before I can take on any time intensive activities.

Start small, Swamp. I think I read a book when mine were 5 and 8. In one sitting. Not caring that I didn't make dinner. I think it was the first time I ever served "scrounge" for dinner. I put it on the menu much more frequently these days.

Mine are 6 & 7. Every month DH and I can discern just the slightest increase in easiness. It gives me hope. Heck, yesterday morning DH and I told them they could play video games downstairs and then we locked our bedroom door for 30 minutes of "adult time." It was great. ;D

[Deleted]

May 7, 2012 17:34:45 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I turned 40 and bought a brand new mustang convertible....does that qualify as a mid-life crisis? Could have been worse, I guess

Pfft - You got my midlife crisis <<jealous>>
I was going there & the flipping practical gene took over. I bought a crossover instead of the red GT convertible . . . i just want to cry now . . .

[Deleted]

dammit - I can't afford to have a mid-life crisis.

[Deleted]

[Labcat]

May 7, 2012 19:30:08 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

...getting run over by a cement truck, spending five weeks in the hospital, and becoming partially handicapped.

When I'm filling out the check boxes on what kind of mid-life crisis I'd like...remind me to skip that one!

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 7, 2012 19:29:16 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm 42 and have a 4 and a 6 year old. It's going to be a while before I can take on any time intensive activities.

I'll be 42 this summer with a 2.5 and 4 year old. Ditto. Not that there's any money to do time intensive activities right now anyway...

[Deleted]

Well, you make time for things you want to do. Don't wait until you are 80! Time passes quickly. Do things now while you can.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 7, 2012 20:31:19 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I have girls nights out, I play golf one night a week in the summer, but i still feel guilty when i do stuff for me.

Swamp, if I have ONE piece of advice for you, it's PLEASE get over that guilt. As your kids get older (and time flies) they will ADMIRE you for that independence, and want to join you.

It is a VERY good lesson for kids to learn, that mommies are people too, even mommies who work.

It's damn hard to leave your 4 year old in hysterics though, just to go to water aerobics. I did but it's getting harder not easier.

*-*-*-
Carl, are you ok? You know if you want to post something, we'd try to help you.

[Deleted]

Obviously, you work within the confines of your family. There is stuff i do now that i didn't when my kids were little. There are "seasons" of life is how i think about it. You have periods of life when you get to focus on certain things over another. Right now, i have school age and teen kids. So my period of life is cooking, driving kids around and doing fun things with my daughter. On days when they aren't here, i can go golfing or do some of the other things i used to to but quit doing for awhile.

[swamp]

May 8, 2012 9:29:51 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Well, you make time for things you want to do. Don't wait until you are 80! Time passes quickly. Do things now while you can.

I'm sure my husband would be thrilled to take care of the kids alone while I take a week vacation, or go to Zumba and spin every night after work.

Yeah, I know, make time, but there's only so much time and I'm not going to ignore my family.

[Deleted]

Or at least do it while you're physically present.

[Deleted]

Mine was probably around age 40. I finally filed for divorce from a verbally abusive and financially irresponsible husband. Within 3 years I'd changed jobs, sent DS to a military boarding school (it had miraculous effects on him), and embarked on a series of trips with now-DH, starting with a 4-day weekend in Rio.

My Dad wanted to go to law school mid-life. I was just about to start college and Mom talked him out of it. I think he thanked her later.

[Deleted]

May 8, 2012 9:35:13 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 8, 2012 9:29:51 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Well, you make time for things you want to do. Don't wait until you are 80! Time passes quickly. Do things now while you can.

I'm sure my husband would be thrilled to take care of the kids alone while I take a week vacation, or go to Zumba and spin every night after work.

Yeah, I know, make time, but there's only so much time and I'm not going to ignore my family.

That isn't what i said. You can make time to do SOME of the things you want to if you choose. I am making time to exercise and so is DH. We can or we can't. I do things that i can reasonably do within my family framework. Right now , i can't take off for days and go golfing so i don't. Doesn't mean i can't take a day here and there.

[hockeygrl]

I think my mid life crisis must have started early and is still in progress!

At 30, I started playing ice hockey. In Louisiana. Never ice skated before in my life. I still play about 2-3 times a week (see Swamp's mommy guilt - I would play more if I could).

At 35 I bought a Roush mustang. I'm still driving that puppy on sunny days, but could be convinced to part with it for the right price.

At 39 I had a baby - an oops baby at that! So, now at 40, I have a 16 month old but I am currently obsessed with looking at acreage in Wyoming to buy for a future vacation home. I tell myself it's an "investment" for DS future, but who am I kidding? I just want about 10 acres of forest/meadow where I can go to escape from people and the shit they do to each other.

[qofcc]

I think I've been going through a mid-life crisis for a while now. Raising kids is done and retirement is still out of reach, most days it feels like what's the point. 25 year class reunion coming up in a few weeks, making me think about how nothing turned out the way I wanted it to.

[happyhoix]

quote]

And customers? Co-workers? Urrrghh!!! I just don't want to be around people right now.

.[/quote]

My DH works in a courthouse where he spends his whole day listening to people complain (he works in the office where people come to file child custody petitions - lots of cranky people, and some of them are bat shit crazy, too).

It's a special challenge. I don't think I could do a job that interacted with the public myself. Way too introverted, and way too likely to tell someone to bite me.

[The Captain]

I don't know about a Crisis, I'm 44 and can say with conviction the following:

Teen years sucked! - No explanation needed
20's weren't much better- mostly spent paying off SL's and never had enough cash or vacation time to do anything
30's getting better - Married, had my daughter, became well established in career and finally had extra cash and time to enjoy things.
40's - Looking up. On firm financial ground, good amount of vacation time, comfortable with who I am and know that my family loves me.
50's and later? - Don't know, but each decade has been better than the last so I'm looking forward to my 50's and beyond!

[shanendoah]

For my mid-life crisis, I'd like to buy a Tesla Roadster


or a Can Am Spyder (reverse trike)


But I'm not there yet, so for the moment I covet and try to think of ways I could afford either of those, or if I would drive either (living in Seattle) enough for it to be worth it.