My In-Law Issue

[findingdeadbeats]

I guess what I find confusing/frustrating is that I never really had a relationship with DH's family. We rarely saw each other and they tended to believe that I was in some way responsible for DH not taking care of his health, so we were never close by any means even on the times we did see each other. We were polite and I think both sides knew we didn't really care much for each other.

I don't understand the idea of having a relationship with people you don't like. I have step siblings that I have nothing to do with. We hated and tortured each other growing up and once we all got married and moved on with our own lives, I see no reason to continue those unhealthy and unproductive relationships. Why would I drive 300+ miles to go to a holiday dinner, for example, with people I can't stand? I think that is crazy.

[zibazinski]

It is, so don't do it.

[Deleted]

Skipping - I have nothing but good and great thoughts for you and your children's way forward. You have taken great strides already amid chaos and distress and conflicting emotions over your loss (joy is appropriate in some circumstances).

You are capable, competent and intelligent & I know you will forge forth to success. Go with your gut and do what is right and needed to keep your family healthy. No one else's opinion really matters because they will never know or understand the details.

I know you worry about finances, so I'm glad you found a counselor you like & can fund so you keep going. I keep thinking you and the kids should hit up Dr Phil to facilitate a toxic relative smack-down ;D Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants!!!

[Deleted]

May 5, 2012 16:54:19 GMT -5 @findingdeadbeats said:

I guess what I find confusing/frustrating is that I never really had a relationship with DH's family. We rarely saw each other and they tended to believe that I was in some way responsible for DH not taking care of his health, so we were never close by any means even on the times we did see each other. We were polite and I think both sides knew we didn't really care much for each other.

I don't understand the idea of having a relationship with people you don't like. I have step siblings that I have nothing to do with. We hated and tortured each other growing up and once we all got married and moved on with our own lives, I see no reason to continue those unhealthy and unproductive relationships. Why would I drive 300+ miles to go to a holiday dinner, for example, with people I can't stand? I think that is crazy.

This reminded me of my father's wife and his other children. When he died, all of a sudden his wife wanted me to come visit her, stay in touch, exchange Christmas cards and all that stuff. Two of my half sisters wanted to get to know me too.

The wife is the same woman I remember cussing me out when I was a young child and just happened to answer the phone when she would call our house. She harrassed us constantly. When that finally stopped, I never heard her voice again until after my father died. My father told them about my brother and I when we were all little kids and I got their phone number out of the phone book and called and talked to the one that's the same age as me when I was about 9. I met that same sister in person once, when we were attending the same college.

So I didn't really understand why everybody was suddenly so interested in me after he died. The one sister was the only one out of the bunch that I'd ever even talked to, and that was only because I reached out to her a couple of times. I accepted a couple of invitations to visit before and immediately after the funeral. There were some amusing (to me) reactions when they introduced my brother and I to people as my father's son and daughter or their sister and brother.

I don't have anything against them, especially my sisters. None of us had anything to do with what our parents did. I even understand why the wife was so angry way back then. But I wasn't interested enough to go out of my way to form and maintain relationships with them, especially since there was no effort until after the person we had in common died. Maybe death sometimes makes people think about things and makes them want to reach out.

Anyway, kudos Shasta for being willing to take an honest look at yourself and your life. Great things are in store for you. I wish you well.

[Deleted]

I'm so happy you found some reading, and that you liked your therapist!

I know that money is very tight but I LOVED Goldenrulegirl's idea of getting a camera, and taking pix of all the new happy moments, and putting them around your house. For example, DS1 driving, and at his new job, and DS2 taking driving lessons. And you, continuing to lose weight, reading helpful books, and working. (Too late to take a photo of you leaving your bankruptcy hearing LOL.)

Some people upgrade cameras pretty often, so if you don't have one, I'm guessing you can get a cheap one easily on amazon or ebay or CL.

I agree that you should document this new, scary, wonderful phase of your life so that you and your sons can look back on it one day, this new start. I know that losing their dad must have been very rough on them. It would be nice for them to have visual memories of how after that rough period, things are now moving forward for all of you.

Again, wishing all of you only good things.

[Gardening Grandma]

Skipping
As others have noted, you are taking a number of steps in a positive direction. I do think your kids are feeling the positive ripple effects as well.

Kudos to you.

[Deleted]

Oh my goodness . If you have to have any interaction with these people at all (would not recommend it , but) learn to detach emotionally. It's possible, I've done it.
With the great strides you are making though it doesn't seem like a good time to be wasting any type of mental energy on them. I think you need it all for you and your kids at this time.
So inspired by where you have been and where you are going. You should be very proud of yourself.

[suesinfl]

Shasta, so glad to read that you are going forward. Baby steps are a good way to start, especially with everything you are dealing with in your life. You started a healing process which is good, just remember that nothing happens overnight and this will take some time.

Stay positive, and keep us updated so we can cheer you on.....you deserve it!!

[zibazinski]

I'd still contact the police. So they are all dead? So what? This woman needs closure.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 6, 2012 5:53:51 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'd still contact the police. So they are all dead? So what? This woman needs closure.

I'm with Zib on this one.

And I agree you're moving along Shasta (I see you moved names again. ;D) Good for you, keep it up.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 7, 2012 14:16:50 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

Holy shit, Shasta. The story about the hitchhiker is a terrible one, and might very well explain everything toxic in the family. I believe that it would be wise to anonymously call the police, but on the other hand, the family might retaliate. The whole scene is just bad, bad, bad. So sorry that this happened to your DH & his brother when they were young.

And to think I was second guessing myself calling them freaks. Holy Moly!! I knew it wasn't Shasta because she reads so nice and normal. I knew it had to be something wrong with them. I had no idea the extent of it.

I would not allow my children anywhere near those people. Stay strong Shasta! Your intuition seems to be right on.

[findingdeadbeats]

In light of my medical issue pending, I thought about my in-laws (and they called yet again and left a message...) and decided I don't want anything to do with them and will continue to ignore them.

I may work on a letter at some point, but right now this went to extremely low priority in my brain/life.

[Works4me]

Good plan - only the positive!