My In-Law Issue

[zibazinski]

Then there's your answer. How about changing phone number?

[Chocolate Lover]

Do your kids know these stories Skip?? They might feel differently about trying to maintain contact if they did. Sounds as if they don't want much contact in the 1st place anyway. If that's the case, I wouldn't feel bad at all about telling them what I thought about them and never having another word to say to them. Never answer a call and any mail would get returned to sender or just trashed upon arrival.

[zibazinski]

Does this nightmare never end for you?

[findingdeadbeats]

Yes, my kids are aware of the family stories about DH growing up. He always blamed 100% of his life on it, so it was something he talked about a lot...

Does the nightmare end? I certainly hope so. Going to the mental health woman today and going to hit the used book store in search of the co-dependent and boundaries books.

[formerroomate99]

Shasta, if I were you, I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about your inlaws and work on weeding out the codependent tendencies that you, and no doubt your kids, have.

The other posters have recommended some good books that I hope you and the kids are reading. I'd be willing to bet that there is some online Alanon meeting going on somewhere if you can't find a local chapter. Maybe you could even find a Medicaid councilor who will use Skype, who knows.

Now is the time to break the cycle. The last thing you want is for your kids to make the same mistakes you've made and bring that kind of pain into their lives. There is a reason that addiction runs in families, and it has less to do with genetics and more to do with bad decisions and learned behaviors, both of which you can change.

[zibazinski]

I hope your kids get the help they need as well. I think distancing yourself and your children from these people would be wise.

[thyme4change]

As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.

As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short to spend time on people that only bring me heartache.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Yeah... I personally wouldn't let my kids within miles of people like that. Ever. You just told us that your late DH, his brother, and his step-father raped and beat a woman as a family bonding experience. Is that the same BIL that you were upset wouldn't take your kid out into the woods to scatter your husbands ashes? You were seriously going to let him go with that fucking psycho? Jesus.

[zibazinski]

[findingdeadbeats]

May 4, 2012 11:43:27 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Shasta, if I were you, I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about your inlaws and work on weeding out the codependent tendencies that you, and no doubt your kids, have.

The other posters have recommended some good books that I hope you and the kids are reading. I'd be willing to bet that there is some online Alanon meeting going on somewhere if you can't find a local chapter. Maybe you could even find a Medicaid councilor who will use Skype, who knows.

Now is the time to break the cycle. The last thing you want is for your kids to make the same mistakes you've made and bring that kind of pain into their lives. There is a reason that addiction runs in families, and it has less to do with genetics and more to do with bad decisions and learned behaviors, both of which you can change.

There is a cheap used book store where I am going today and I am going to pick up both books that were recommended. Gotta start somewhere.

[busymom]

Skipping, it sounds like you have been thru a lot. Much more than most people could handle. <HUGS> for you!


I normally don't say stuff like this, but it's gotta be said. Most people have a moral compass that tells them right from wrong, even if they have no religious upbringing. It's currently estimated here in the US that 1 out of 25 people are born with no conscience. It doesn't bother them to hurt other people, and they just don't care. There's people who are toxic, and those that are batshit crazy. Sadly, it sounds like your IL's are in the latter category.

If I was in your shoes, I would change my phone number (and those of my kids), change the locks on the house, move, and leave no forwarding address. Anyone who would think it's o.k. to rape someone & leave them for dead, would not be bothered about doing harm to anyone, including your family. I would feel no guilt at all of cutting people like this from my life. And no, I would leave them no explanation.

P.S. Tell your boys just because they share some DNA with these people, does not mean they will end up like them. BTW, did they ever serve any time for assaulting that hitchhiker?

[zibazinski]

In the ....what?

[findingdeadbeats]

Busy left us a cliff-hanger post....

I have no religion. I have never been a believer. However, I am trying to learn more spirituality and have been reading things on the topic. I agree that this is an area where my life is lacking/doesn't exist. I think I am too caught up in the survival/stress stuff and can't yet really work on the whole "what's the meaning in life" thing yet.

[busymom]

Sorry, my computer crashed in the middle of my post! Bad, bad computer!

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

May 4, 2012 11:49:05 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.

As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short to spend time on people that only bring me heartache.

Some people can never be "saved" -- spiritually/financially/emotionally/behaviorally/whatever.

The most loving thing you can do is get out of their lives so they can't cause *you* any more drama/trauma/pain -- i.e., unilaterally reduce their "bad karma" count.

[zibazinski]

I agree, get away from those toxic people and keep your children away from them as well.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Shasta, you do know you have been handled a golden ticket to start over with your kids? Shake off the past and keep focusing on starting over and rewriting your lives together. Get a camera and start taking pictures of happy times with the three of you -- make new happy memories going forward. Tape the pictures on your fridge, frame them and place them in high-traffic areas in the house. Show your kids that your DH's and their father's past does NOT define who you all are. Go for it girl!! We are all rooting for the 3 of you!!!

[hoops902]

May 4, 2012 11:32:56 GMT -5 @findingdeadbeats said:

Yes, my kids are aware of the family stories about DH growing up. He always blamed 100% of his life on it, so it was something he talked about a lot...

Does the nightmare end? I certainly hope so. Going to the mental health woman today and going to hit the used book store in search of the co-dependent and boundaries books.

So did the family tell you these stories? Or just DH?

[leanna]

May 4, 2012 9:54:09 GMT -5 @findingdeadbeats said:

The primary reason I no longer talk to my in-laws is that I feel like DH's death was essentially the divorce I wanted for many years

I have chills after reading what you shared. (And by the way, I too would like to know whether they were ever held accountable for the crimes they committed.)

I pulled out the one sentence above from what you wrote. It sounds like you feel you've finally been freed. Don't put yourself back into that prison. If contact continues, it's because you're allowing it.

[Deleted]

Shasta, I have to ask ... did your DH and your BIL assault that hitchhiker too? Or were they innocent bystanders while older members of the family did that?

I'm guessing they were witnesses. But why didn't they call the police from a phone booth the minute they had the opportunity?

Kids definitely know right from wrong. Lke BusyMom and others have said, most people are born with a moral compass.

I'm guessing that your DH and his brother were on a hunting trip with older relatives and did not participate, they just witnessed it.

But they still should have called the police once the minute they got home, from a phone booth.

PLEASE, Shasta, cut these people out of your sons' lives, yesterday. I can't IMAGINE what on earth you think you or your sons could possibly gain by keeping these people in your lives.

[zibazinski]

[zibazinski]

You owe those slime balls nothing. Keep yourself and your kids away from them and tell them WHY. I'd also contact theolice about what you were told. This is probably a cold case and justice should be done.

[raeoflyte]

May 4, 2012 23:07:21 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

But they still should have called the police once the minute they got home, from a phone booth.

I can't judge children too harshly for being afraid to turn their caretakers into the police. They've been raised in an abusive household, and have then witnessed horrific acts committed against another human being. In almost all cases, children are returned to their biological families (mom), which means being returned to the abusers as well. I think most children's sense of survival is stronger than their moral compass.

[Deleted]

Good point, Raeoflyte. But I don't see why Shasta needs to have contact with them now, and I wouldn't want the kids to.

Like others have said, this is a fresh start for her family.

[Deleted]

May 3, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I don't know..As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.
I think to disown anyone is like telling your foot to hate your hand.

I feel exactly the same way lonewolf. You only have to indulge other people's drama insomuch as you choose too. I have an SIL who is a overbearing drama queen. And, we have tried to have a relationship in a more close, family type way but it isn't possible because she is always choosing to stir the pot. But, i don't feel the need to cut her off. We still send her cards, call her occassionally and are friendly and cordial when we see her. LIfe is too short to go around harboring bad feelings.
And, I would also consider that for your kids, perhaps having some relatives may be better than having none. Or, not. I really don't know them so i can't say. But, just think about what level of involvement you want with them and go from there.

[findingdeadbeats]

My understanding is that the rape/beating happened when DH was about 10 and he was with his step-father, his step-uncle, and some family friend. All three are now deceased. His brother was also along and talked about it as well once when we saw him at a family function.

Someone asked if DH's family also relays the same stories about his SF making him not eat and all that and I have heard many of those stories from everyone in the family. At some point, his mother realized that his SF was an asshat and divorced him. But, it was after DH left the house at 18.

One of the things I learned growing up is that you cannot say things to an alcoholic or do anything that is going to cause you pain/misery later. I assumed that is why the crime was never reported by any of the kids - they were scared.

I talked about my in-laws yesterday with the therapist and she suggested that my letter was a good idea and had some suggestions on how to word it as to not illicit responses and to get them to stop contacting me at the same time. I am going to work on it and bring it to her at my next appt for her opinion.

I liked the therapist. She seemed like a pretty normal and experienced professional. My doc is great and he suggested her to me and that also gives some weight to her credentials. She sees people in both private practice and through the local "free" clinic. So, even if I lose Medicaid, I could see her on a sliding-scale fee. So I feel better about that as well.

I bought a couple books yesterday at the used book store. Gonna do some reading and see what I can learn. That is part of the whole therapy thing for me, I want to learn what is wrong in my life so I can learn about it and do something about it...

[leanna]

I wish you the best Skipping Along. It sounds like you've gotten to a point in life where you want to go from being a Victim to being a Survivor.

My one recommendation for your letter is don't use the word "never." As in, we are NEVER going to speak to you all again. Stay in the present. Simply, "Please do not contact us. We do not wish to have contact with you." Etc.

This is how you feel now, for the forseable future. But in 20 years, maybe you will want some contact. Or, you may be in a situation that you run into these people, for some reason.

So, stay in the here & now. Be firm. I wish you all the best towards building a happy new life.

[DVM gone riding]

well shoot shasta now that we have the back story why do you even want to think about having contact with these people!!!!!!!!!! I thought they just didn't like you.

For some reason I don't understand my grandmother doesn't like my father, she is very polite about it and not mean or snarky but it is just there. But she loves us kids and my mother and we love her and do tons of things with her.


I would write a cease and desist letter explaining that you will not stop your boys from having contact if they so wish it but you no longer intend to have any contact with your DH's family, he is dead and you see no reason to continue a relationship you never wanted. I would make it very short. I would write a longer letter with everything you ever wanted to say and i would burn that one. Then I would wash my hands inform the kids and be done with it.

[998fbird]

Skip, if you haven't already sent the letter I suggest that you don't send it, but just ignore DH's family and move on with your life. I agree with the poster that said the kids responding to SIL's card just gave the family a reason to continue their sick toxic behavior.
From the info you shared about your childhood I strongly suggest that in addition to therapy you go to Al-Anon if there are meetings in your area or try online meetings if you can.
My family of origin was very unhealthy and by the time I was 13 I had stopped having contact unless completely forced to do so. When my DS was born I allowed my dad to take him around the family and I never told him what to think and he made his own decisions about them.

[998fbird]

Oops, posted the message before I was done...
As you (Skip) mentioned, those of us who are 'hurt' often fnd each other and my xH grew up with a toxic mother and I also let my DS make up his own mind about his relationship with his paternal GMother.

IMO I think cutting off contact with toxic in-laws is smart and healthy.

Whatever you decide, good luck with your future.