My In-Law Issue

[findingdeadbeats]

I am curious what you would all do in this situation. (Also plan on talking to therapist about it tomorrow...)

After DH passed away I decided that I no longer want contact with his family. I encourage my kids to have a relationship with them, but seeing how my kids are now almost 18 and 20, I believe they can facilitate this on their own from here on out.

DH's parents and family were very un-supportive during his illness and couldn't be bothered to come see him even when he was dying. They live all of about 4 hours away. His brother would come up here camping and not bother to tell DH he was even in the area.

His mother made a comment to me while DH was dying and I was asked to remove dialysis to allow him to pass quicker, that I just didn't want to deal with taking care of him anymore. Okay....

I've said before that DH had some serious mental health issues for our entire marriage and in the last year also had problems caused by having strokes and build-up of toxins in his brain. Basically the last year he was paranoid and nasty. To everyone.

I found out after he died that he told my kids that I was going to steal all of our family's money and run away in the middle of the night and that they would be left to care for him and never see me again....

I have reason to believe similar things were told to DH's parents/family when I wasn't around to set the record straight.

So, I basically stopped talking to his family and have not returned any calls, e-mail or mail since last year. Over the holidays we received mail addressed only to the kids and when DS mentioned to the sender (DSIL) that it was rude, he got back a nice long letter about how my inlaws never liked me and only tolerated me because of my marriage to DH. Nice thing to tell my kids about their mother. But, whatever.

So, the contact has started up again and I don't know what to do about it. I ignore them and eventually they start calling, messaging, and asking what we are doing. IMHO, they deserve no information. But, they don't seem to be getting the hint.

Should I send them a letter? Should I just keep ignoring them?

[andi9899]

Keep ignoring them! Don't even entertain their twisted family. Eventually they will stop.

[hoops902]

::So, I basically stopped talking to his family and have not returned any calls, e-mail or mail since last year. Over the holidays we received mail addressed only to the kids and when DS mentioned to the sender (DSIL) that it was rude, he got back a nice long letter about how my inlaws never liked me and only tolerated me because of my marriage to DH. Nice thing to tell my kids about their mother. But, whatever.

So, the contact has started up again and I don't know what to do about it. I ignore them and eventually they start calling, messaging, and asking what we are doing. IMHO, they deserve no information. But, they don't seem to be getting the hint.::

Do you see what message the in-laws are getting though? You don't want to talk to them, you encourage your kids to keep in contact though. When they write letters to your kids, your kids tell them how rude they are (when its' really your children being incredibly rude about that particular situation). So to avoid having your kids bitch them out, they try to communicate with you also, but you don't want to talk to them so you ignore them.

So of course they're not getting the hint. When they do what YOU want and don't communicate with you, your kids bitch at them about how rude they are for not communicating with you, and when they attempt to communicate with you, you ignore them and complain about it. Sounds like the issue is with you and your kids, particularly your children. They need to learn some manners, they're the ones creating this problem.

[midjd]

I'm sorry they were so unsupportive during your DH's illness. Considering the sacrifices you made to keep him safe/alive - duties that may have otherwise fallen to them - they should be praising you until the end of their days, not badmouthing you to your children.

Keep ignoring them. Like you said, your sons are old enough to facilitate their own relationships with them, if they want - you don't owe them a damn thing. From what you've said about your sons and their personalities, I doubt they'll put up with much crap-talking - so that problem may solve itself (either your in-laws finally learn boundaries or your sons don't talk to them much anymore).

Good luck.

[Deleted]

Are they trying to contact you directly? As you said yourself, the kids are old enough to have a relationship with them on their own. So if they're calling to schedule something with the kids the kids can handle it themselves.

If you don't want a relationship with them then don't answer their calls. Eventually (hopefully) they will get the hint and stop trying to talk to you. Or utilize the "block" feature like what was suggested over on Mid's thread.

[busymom]

Yea, I'd probably ignore them, because if I messaged them back, I'd probably say something like, "since you couldn't be bothered to visit DH & I when he was so ill, and would have appreciated your company, there's no point in visiting with me now". Is that too snarky?

[hoops902]

::Eventually (hopefully) they will get the hint and stop trying to talk to you.::

Sounds like they already got the hint, but then the kids reversed the message.

[swamp]

May 3, 2012 9:45:46 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::Eventually (hopefully) they will get the hint and stop trying to talk to you.::

Sounds like they already got the hint, but then the kids reversed the message.

Or they could be complete assholes. Either one is possible.

[midjd]

So Hoops, what is she supposed to do? On my thread, you said my mom was being a "good mom" by encouraging me to have a relationship with a toxic family member even if she didn't like the person. But Shasta is being rude for doing the same thing?

[formerroomate99]

Well, it's pretty clearn now how your husband ended up the way he was. He probably started his food addiction trying to deal with the pain of living with these people. These people should be on their knees thanking you for not kicking their addict son to the curb when he chose to disable himself. Instead they are trying to make you feel like dirt. Stay the heck away from these people. Nothing can be gained from associating with them, and considering your codependent personality, they are especially dangerous to you. Instead, use the time you have to find out what is it that made you pick a food addict addict to be the father of your children.

[hoops902]

May 3, 2012 9:47:20 GMT -5 midjd said:

So Hoops, what is she supposed to do? On my thread, you said my mom was being a "good mom" by encouraging me to have a relationship with a toxic family member even if she didn't like the person. But Shasta is being rude for doing the same thing?

I don't think Shasta is being rude, I think her kids are. She doesn't want contact, they weren't contacting her, then when her kids got a letter addressed only to them they took it upon themselves to tell the sender it was rude (when there's nothing rude about it). The in-laws did PRECISELY what shasta wanted them to do, and what do they get for their troubles? attitude from the kids. This isn't an in-law problem. This is a problem with her kids, they're the ones causing the in-laws to contact her. She needs to straighten her children out about what she wants, they presumably feel like they're sticking up for mom, but they're encouraging people to do the very thing mom doesn't want done.

[hoops902]

May 3, 2012 9:47:05 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 3, 2012 9:45:46 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::Eventually (hopefully) they will get the hint and stop trying to talk to you.::

Sounds like they already got the hint, but then the kids reversed the message.

Or they could be complete assholes. Either one is possible.

They might be assholes, and probably are...but that's besides the point. They were doing what OP wanted them to do, not contact her, and only contact the kids. Her kids are the ones who put a stop to that.

[kindthatjingles]

In my experience, it is better to be upfront and honest:


Here is what you need to say:

Given the passing of DH and the stress involved in that and the amoutn of stress that you and other family member contributed to that even in my life, I will only continue relationships with people who are positive, supportive, and loving. You do not fall into these categories and Iwish to have no further contact with you. The children are adutls and will make there own decisions with no influence from me. I wish you nothing but the best

[swamp]

May 3, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I don't know..As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.
I think to disown anyone is like telling your foot to hate your hand.

Sorry, but I'm not going to put up with inlaws who accuse me of pulling the plug on my husband so I didnt' have to take care of him anymore, and who also did absolutely nothing to help in all the years he was disabled. They aren't worth a relationship.

[midjd]

Petty differences are one thing - toxic family members are quite another. Based on this and previous posts, Shasta's in-laws sound like the latter.

If you can ask yourself "what positive things does this person add to my life?" and the answer is nothing - why should you have a relationship with them?

[Deleted]

May 3, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I don't know..As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.
I think to disown anyone is like telling your foot to hate your hand.

Huh......I thought that you would agree that surrounding yourself with positive energy instead of negative energy would be beneficial.

[The J]

Isn't there only one phone? So if they want to communicate with the kids, what are they supposed to do?

I actually agree with hoops on this one -- the inlaws either have to try to contract shasta or the kids will accuse them of being rude. It's a no-win, unless shasta explains to the kids that she doesn't want them to contact her, and their not including her on correspondence is actually them acting in accordance with her wishes.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Shasta, do your kids understand that you don't particularly want a relationship with your in-laws? I agree with hoops that it sounds like there might be some mixed messages going around. I have a relationship with a family member that my mother doesn't particularly want to spend time with. I'm cool with her decision, but she and I had to get on the same page about who wanted what so I knew how to handle it.

[bean29]

Hoops Shasta did not say what it was about the letter that her kids thought was rude, she just said they told the SIL it was rude. IMO your opinion that the kids are being rude is based in supposition.

Shasta, I too, am sorry that your DH was so nasty to you and your kids the last year of his life. In a recent thread (I think it was mid's about her relationship with her Dad, someone talked about a mentally ill Mother. I think your kids should read co-dependent no more and or boundaries. I want to read Boundaries - if I have read it in the past, I don't remember it. Co-Dependent no more left a lasting impression on me.

Living with a physically ill or mentally ill parent can have lasting impact on a child. When my 1st marriage dissolved my counselor encouraged me to read co-dependent no more, because she felt the environment I grew up with caused me to suppress my needs b/c my Dad's illness was about all anyone in the family could cope with at the time. You kids (and you) need to identify what is now healthy in the new norm. If they don't they are likely to form co-dependent relationships in the future.

IMO, your kids know what's what and have correctly identified the situation. I think if you could not get your in-laws to recognize the situation when your husband was alive it would be futile to explain what he was like now - I don't think they will suddenly come to believe you.

[formerroomate99]

I just don't think I want to go to my grave with any hate or dislike for anyone in my heart, regardless of how they treated me.

I think Shasta stands a better chance of getting over her anger and hurt if she doesn't give these people any more opportunity to hurt her. Her husband hasn't been gone for too long, anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and there is a very good chance that some of the vile these people are spewing is misdirected anger, along with trying to alleviate their feelings of guilt. Maybe in a few years she can try to mend fences, but not now. Shasta needs to take care of herself and her kids right now.

[Deleted]

May 3, 2012 9:54:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 3, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I don't know..As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.
I think to disown anyone is like telling your foot to hate your hand.

Sorry, but I'm not going to put up with inlaws who accuse me of pulling the plug on my husband so I didnt' have to take care of him anymore, and who also did absolutely nothing to help in all the years he was disabled. They aren't worth a relationship.

[midjd]

Now in laws are sending positive energy, which should be accepted and returned as such.

Who said it was positive energy? Shasta said the last letter to her sons over the holidays was all about how much they hated her.

[Deleted]

"Manipulative energy" might be a better description.

[justme]

Over the holidays we received mail addressed only to the kids and when DS mentioned to the sender (DSIL) that it was rude

I think that's what hoops is referring to, and I read it the same as him. The kids got mail addressed only to them and the kids replied back that it was rude to only address it to them. If that's what the kids did, then yes the in-laws are getting mixed messages and they are contacting shasta since the kids said it was rude not to. (Though telling her how much they hate her doesn't make them not rude anymore ) So yes, if she hasn't told her kids she's OK with DH's family just contacting them and leaving her alone, she needs to.

[tloonya]

Skip!
If you don't like them and don't want them and can live happier without them - let this issue die.
But IF you feeling something toward these people - keep civil communications open.
Card for Christmas / call for BDays and who knows...maybe later you will forget their faults and they will be your only friends...life just unpredictable like that!
But if you can't stad them - cut all ties and move on with YOUR life.
Good Luck!

[swamp]

May 3, 2012 10:23:08 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Skip!
If you don't like them and don't want them and can live happier without them - let this issue die.
But IF you feeling something toward these people - keep civil communications open.
Card for Christmas / call for BDays and who knows...maybe later you will forget their faults and they will be your only friends...life just unpredictable like that!
But if you can't stad them - cut all ties and move on with YOUR life.
Good Luck!

I think that is the most succinct, logical, topical, and pleasant post I have ever seen from Loony.........

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I find myself agreeing with Hoops again. I would not go out of my way to foster a relationship with these people. I probably would not spit on them if I saw them on fire.

However I think it is time Shasta sit down with her kids and explain her feelings about the in-laws and why. They are plenty old enough to have this discussion with and it sounds like it should have happened sooner.

Explain that while they feel it is rude they do not contact you, that is what YOU want. You respect that they wanted to stand up for you, but that the in-laws are behaving towards you exactly how they want you to (not contacting you). You won't stand in their way of having a relationship with them but would prefer if everyone kept you out of it.

Then everyone is on the same page.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

May 3, 2012 11:06:59 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I find myself agreeing with Hoops again. I would not go out of my way to foster a relationship with these people. I probably would not spit on them if I saw them on fire.

However I think it is time Shasta sit down with her kids and explain her feelings about the in-laws and why. They are plenty old enough to have this discussion with and it sounds like it should have happened sooner.

Explain that while they feel it is rude they do not contact you, that is what YOU want. You respect that they wanted to stand up for you, but that the in-laws are behaving towards you exactly how they want you to (not contacting you). You won't stand in their way of having a relationship with them but would prefer if everyone kept you out of it.

Then everyone is on the same page.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 3, 2012 11:06:59 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I find myself agreeing with Hoops again. I would not go out of my way to foster a relationship with these people. I probably would not spit on them if I saw them on fire.

However I think it is time Shasta sit down with her kids and explain her feelings about the in-laws and why. They are plenty old enough to have this discussion with and it sounds like it should have happened sooner.

Explain that while they feel it is rude they do not contact you, that is what YOU want. You respect that they wanted to stand up for you, but that the in-laws are behaving towards you exactly how they want you to (not contacting you). You won't stand in their way of having a relationship with them but would prefer if everyone kept you out of it.

Then everyone is on the same page.

This. Exactly. Shasta, your kids are old enough for you to tell them, "I know you love grandma, grandpa, but you need to know that I do not wish to have any contact with them. They've said some very hurtful (and untrue) things to me at a very difficult time.
So - while I will support your desire to contine your own relationship with them, I must ask you to leave me out of it. That includes passing along anything they say about me. You may feel that it is "rude", but we are all adults here and it is our choice who we choose to have a relationship with."

If you have caller id on the phone, let the kids answer when they call. If you don't have caller id, and happen to answer, just say "Just a minute. I'll put DS on".

[happyhoix]

We know the deceased husband said some cruel stuff and that he was angry and toxic the last year of his life.

If I was in this position, I would be interested in opening up a conversation with the inlaws. Maybe find out what kind of crap dear hubby might have said when he was angry and mean.

It might be that you can correct some of the misinformation that angry hubby said about you. It might be that you can actually re-connect with the inlaws (maybe at least a few of them) and have a decent relationship with them, for the sake of your kids. Or it might be that the whole family is a pack of crazy asshats that need to be avoided forever - and that's useful information to know, too.