My In-Law Issue

[formerroomate99]

May 3, 2012 12:08:54 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

We know the deceased husband said some cruel stuff and that he was angry and toxic the last year of his life.

If I was in this position, I would be interested in opening up a conversation with the inlaws. Maybe find out what kind of crap dear hubby might have said when he was angry and mean.

It might be that you can correct some of the misinformation that angry hubby said about you. It might be that you can actually re-connect with the inlaws (maybe at least a few of them) and have a decent relationship with them, for the sake of your kids. Or it might be that the whole family is a pack of crazy asshats that need to be avoided forever - and that's useful information to know, too.

Happy has a point. This distance and hostility between Shasta and her inlaws could be due to a simple misunderstanding that could be resolved.

But both Shasta and the inlaws are still in mourning, and emotions are high. And until Shasta gets a little stronger and addresses her codependent tendencies, associating with a family that produced an addict is downright dangerous. (Frankly, I don't even think it is a good idea for the kids to be associating with these people right now.) So while I do see the potential to mend fences, taking on that task right will probably do more harm than good.

[sesfw]

This is a very sad situation. The grief is too raw for anything close to rational thinking.

Let time soften the anger and grief, then let things happen as they will.

Definately let your kids know how and why you feel like you do now. Life will change in the next 5-10 years and other decisions can me made. Nothing is cast forever in stone.

Love and healing hugs.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 3, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I don't know..As I get older I am realizing that life is way too short and petty differences should be mended.
I think to disown anyone is like telling your foot to hate your hand.

I agree - regarding petty differences. In this case these are not petty differences at all!

Shasta - Ignore the freaks!

[findingdeadbeats]

The kids received a Christmas card addressed to DS1 and DS2. DS1 told the SIL that it came from that he thought it was rude when cards are sent for the holidays, to my house, that they are not addressed to our family and that she specifically and clearly went out of her way to address the card to just them. It wasn't a subtle thing... It was dark underlined ink.... from a relative that has met my kids what like 5 times in their lives and who I don't think has ever once sent them a card.... It was done to be bitchy and that was very clear to all.

In response, a message was sent to DS about how SIL knew about the real "truth" in our household, and how they had never liked me but tolerated me due to my DH. Well, I feel the exact same way - I tolerated all their crap for years and now that DH passed, I don't feel a need to keep putting up with it.

My MIL was used to knowing every single detail about my life and I decided when DH passed that I finally have the ability to stop contact with them and stop engaging her need to know everything about our lives... she doesn't like this. I don't care.

I sat down at one point and tried to put my feelings into writing about how I wanted to be done with the drama in my life and that since the kids are nearly adults I encourage them to have a relationship with their family but that I no longer wish to. I didn't mail it because talking with my family they thought it would come off wrong and that no matter what I have to say, it will have no effect on their family and their BS.

There are 2 phones, mine and DS's and they have DS's phone number so they do not need to call me.

Right after DH passed, his brother sent me an e-mail message saying that he would be "nice" and purchase DH's guns from me rather than having me simply give them to him since he knew I was "hard up for cash".... The conversations I had with DH over the years made ZERO indication that he expected the firearms to go to his brother. In fact, they were pretty much the opposite of that... One is my house protection and the other two will go to our oldest DS for hunting.

I let him know this and as "retaliation" they went and spread DH's ashes and didn't take my son who was originally asked to go... So, because I didn't hand over DH's guns to his brother, my son missed out on the chance to go when they spread DH's ashes. How is that reasonable?

This same brother contacted me the other day in e-mail and wants to know how things are going in our lives and 'what's up.' I have half a mind to message him back with the above, and the other half tells me to just never answer anything.

[swamp]

This same brother contacted me the other day in e-mail and wants to know how things are going in our lives and 'what's up.' I have half a mind to message him back with the above, and the other half tells me to just never answer anything.

If you really don't want drama and you want this chapter in your life to end, don't respond. REsponding just continues the relationship.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you really don't want drama and you want this chapter in your life to end, don't respond. REsponding just continues the relationship.



That's a good thing to say to your sons too. I understand they wanted to defend you but calling out SIL has only caused the calls to start all over again.

They want you to respond, that's why she did it. She got the exact response she was hoping for and now feels justified to continue harassing you.

By not responding you take away their power.

[happyhoix]

Well, they do sound like crappy people.

However, you need to squash this, not participate in it. For instance, when the nasty Christmas card came, you kids should have just tossed it and never said anything to SIL. Clearly she wanted to start something. She succeeded, because your kids took the bait. You should explain to them that engaging with crazy people only causes more craziness. Ignoring them completely works best.

As for your BIL - I think you have to decide if you really are done with this family, and if you are, be completely done, and make sure your kids understand that if they want to try to have some kind of relationship with that half of the family, they're welcome to, but you are out.

[Chocolate Lover]

I'm confused........ Why did THEY have the ashes in the 1st place?

[zibazinski]

No kidding, my moms was divided up 3 ways. I'm sure her asshat stepson threw them in the trash but whatever. I'm sure her husband would be less than thrilled to know hers are next to my dads.

As far as his family goes, I agree with Drama, I think. Tell your kids the truth, I'm sure they already know it so just go over it again as a heads up, tell them you are hurt at sticking with someone who was abusive even though a normal person would have booked and taken the kids away to keep them from being exposed to this toxic situation, that it was misinterpreted by those who couldn't be bothered to deal with someone so ill and crazy, not even to give you a break, and that you aren't ready, and may never be ready, to deal with them, but that it is totally up to them as to their relationship but you don't want to know about it-EVER-until you are ready. It doesn't hurt for your kids who are old enough to stick up for you to mention to his relatives that since they couldn't be bothered to come around, they really don't know the whole story.

[findingdeadbeats]

Former -

First your message made me mad, but then I went back and read it again with a different thought pattern. And, I do see where you are coming from.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how DH and I ended up with each other and how co-dependent/unhealthy that was. That is one of the many reasons I am opting for therapy for the first time in my life.

I now have enough distance to understand that DH and I were both very wounded/broken in our childhoods by addictive/abusive step-parents and I think that is why we were so comfortable with each other.

I am 100% not the "my parents sucked" kind of person. However, my DH very much was. He blamed his childhood on everything in life, and I tried as hard as I could to ignore mine. But, this ended me up here... so clearly I need some help to fix that part of me. Apparently you can't grow up with an abusive alcoholic and be sexually assaulted in your teens by someone else, and then grow up without issues. I tried. Apparently it didn't work out too well...

I saw something a while back, I think on Dr. Phil, where he said that when a child is abused or brought up in addiction, and then they get with someone with the same past, they are like to screwed up teenagers trying to figure out life together but no one has the skills/ability to do it and neither one is really mentally an adult. I cannot say how much that rings true when I look back on our lives.

I think that writing a letter to DH's family might be the answer in the end. Maybe the issue is that I just stopped talking to them and they don't understand why. Mostly I have been too angry to care, but maybe if I sucked it up and told them why, then the situation would be resolved once and for all.

Maybe a quick note that my life with DH is over and that I want to move on with my life. I don't think trying to "clear the air" about what DH said or didn't say is going to be productive. I think they believe whatever he said and since he isn't here for the conversation, I think they will just keep believing whatever they want.

[zibazinski]

Makes sense. It gives you closure.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 3, 2012 13:42:08 GMT -5 @findingdeadbeats said:

Former -

First your message made me mad, but then I went back and read it again with a different thought pattern. And, I do see where you are coming from.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how DH and I ended up with each other and how co-dependent/unhealthy that was. That is one of the many reasons I am opting for therapy for the first time in my life.

I now have enough distance to understand that DH and I were both very wounded/broken in our childhoods by addictive/abusive step-parents and I think that is why we were so comfortable with each other.

I am 100% not the "my parents sucked" kind of person. However, my DH very much was. He blamed his childhood on everything in life, and I tried as hard as I could to ignore mine. But, this ended me up here... so clearly I need some help to fix that part of me. Apparently you can't grow up with an abusive alcoholic and be sexually assaulted in your teens by someone else, and then grow up without issues. I tried. Apparently it didn't work out too well...

I saw something a while back, I think on Dr. Phil, where he said that when a child is abused or brought up in addiction, and then they get with someone with the same past, they are like to screwed up teenagers trying to figure out life together but no one has the skills/ability to do it and neither one is really mentally an adult. I cannot say how much that rings true when I look back on our lives.

I think that writing a letter to DH's family might be the answer in the end. Maybe the issue is that I just stopped talking to them and they don't understand why. Mostly I have been too angry to care, but maybe if I sucked it up and told them why, then the situation would be resolved once and for all.

Maybe a quick note that my life with DH is over and that I want to move on with my life. I don't think trying to "clear the air" about what DH said or didn't say is going to be productive. I think they believe whatever he said and since he isn't here for the conversation, I think they will just keep believing whatever they want.

If that will give you some closure, it may be worth a shot. Do keep in mind, however, that toxic people have to get the last word in, so do be prepared for a response. Then you'll have to decide whether to respond (again) to the response or simply ignore all future contact from them.

[findingdeadbeats]

May 3, 2012 13:29:27 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I'm confused........ Why did THEY have the ashes in the 1st place?

My late-DH requested that his brother spread his ashes where they used to go hunting as kids. His brother agreed. The understanding was that DH was to be cremated and his ashes shipped to his brother.

After DH was cremated, his mother insisted that she get part of DH's ashes, though he had told me that he never wanted to be on her shelf by their grandma. He also told his mother this...

I decided that since DH was no longer here to know about it, and my MIL was going to be a pain, and clearly was in pain as well at the loss of her DS, that I had his ashes split and mailed to each of them. Cost me an additional $150 to do it... but that's a different rant altogether.

DS graduated from HS a couple months later and had been told by my BIL that they would go spread ashes as soon as the snow was gone on the high mountain pass to where they were going. Once the firearm conversation happened, he no longer contacted me or either of my children.

When I mentioned the issue to my MIL at the time she said that I should give BIL whatever he wanted. At which time I decided I was done talking to her as well.

[zibazinski]

I had to think about this yesterday when a poster discussed her asshat sperm donor and her mom encouraged her to have a relationship. I hate the fact that I married a douche canoe. It does reflect on me. To top it off, besides being a shit for a husband, he was a shit for a father. I should have known these things because his parents were shitty parents so where would he learn decent parenting from? That is why I tell my kids to not marry into dysfunctional families.

[zibazinski]

My son actually listened to me and broke up with a girl after meeting her family. Said there wasn't even one normal one in the whole bunch and it freaked him out that the girl he liked was so clueless that she didn't even realize her family was jacked up. Said if he had a family like hers, he'd move away and tell everyone he met he was an orphan.

[findingdeadbeats]

LOL Zib.

The one good thing out of all this is that my DH, for the most part, was a good parent. He loved his kids more than life itself. Not enough to take care of himself, but he loved them in his own way.

[Peace Of Mind]

"But if you can't stad them - cut all ties and move on with YOUR life.
Good Luck!"

If you meant "stab" I agree!

[zibazinski]

[Sum Dum Gai]

Hoops did have a point earlier about sending mixed messages. I think it's probably a good idea to explain to people that you're breaking off contact. Yes, these particular people sound like asshats and they'll probably respond in some way. But if you previously had some kind of relationship, then stop taking their calls with no warning, they never actually get the message that you want it that way. For all they know you've just been busy, you're mad and want them to apologize, or whatever. They have to make up a reason that you haven't kept in touch, and the reason they make up might not end with you not wanting contact.

You're doing the co-dependent thing of ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away. That almost never works out like you want. It's almost always better to ask for what you want directly. That probably means contacting MIL, BIL, and whoever else, and explaining that you don't want them contacting you anymore. You don't have to do it in person, you don't even have to do it over the phone, but if you never tell them somehow you don't want contact, you can't get mad when they try to contact you.

[swamp]

You're doing the co-dependent thing of ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away

I'm not sure it's considered ignoring them and hoping they'll go away. Certain people always have to have the last word and by continuing communication with them, it will just prolong it.

I can see the point of telling them her opinion, but I fully expect them to comeback with some nasty comment.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm not sure it's considered ignoring them and hoping they'll go away. Certain people always have to have the last word and by continuing communication with them, it will just prolong it.



Sometimes you are just adding to the drama by having to make a speech about why you are not talking to them anymore.

Sounds like Skip's in-laws are just that type of people. SIL sent that Christmas card for a reason.

It isn't co-dependence to recognize that some people just need to be cut out of your life period.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I can see the point of telling them her opinion, but I fully expect them to comeback with some nasty comment.

Probably, but that's not the point. You can't get mad about people that don't follow your wishes if you never make those wishes known.

I'm the last person that would ever tell people to get into a long drawn out fight with family. Send a letter telling them not to contact you anymore, and why if you feel the need or want the closure, then ignore any further phone calls, emails, letters, cards, or whatever.

[Sum Dum Gai]

What is the purpose of telling people:i'm not talking to you anymore.

Don't tell them I'm not talking to you anymore, say stop contacting me. It's a completely different message.

[formerroomate99]

I agree with dark that some sort of explicit "Don't contact me" message needs to be sent. But I don't think there is any point in Shasta telling her side of the story. The last thing she needs to do is start a debate. These people know what they said and did to a grieving widow. They also know what kind of man Shasta's husband was what he chose to put his family through. A food addiction is pretty hard to hide, as is an addictive personality.

[moxie]

DH's parents and family were very un-supportive during his illness and couldn't be bothered to come see him even when he was dying. They live all of about 4 hours away. His brother would come up here camping and not bother to tell DH he was even in the area.

^WOW!! Sad...
Ignore them...you don't owe anyone any explanations. I like the way you handled things with your kids, encouraging them to contact H's family if they wished.

[zibazinski]

But give them the tools they need to combat any shit from them. Also, to expect that when they do, they will be lambasted as well.

[DVM gone riding]

I wonder if you need to discuss some of this in a quiet manor with your in-laws. Did these people actually DO something to you or do you dislike them because of what they didn't do?? Is it possible that they have an incorrect view of you because of your DH's issues and instead of even trying to set the record straight you make that view true in their eyes? is there any reason to not want your sons to have a relationship--don't your sons deserve you to support them in a non-toxic way so if they DO want a relationship with these people that are bad for you but might be good for them that they can do that without feeling like they are betraying you?

There is a lot about what you have said that makes me wonder if maybe many of the feelings are long standing misunderstandings and why you have no obligation what so ever to try and explain or fix the relationship it might be beneficial to your boys if they can have that relationship without hurting you.

[Deleted]

I'd have fun writing an outrageous venting letter about what horrendous parents and family they were. I'd mail it too. Maybe a little vengeful but it would make ME feel better ;D

Have to be honest, I would strongly encourage my kids to avoid crazy, toxic people -- whether they are family or not. Is there some redeeming feature about this family that you would want your kids to be involved with them? Would you encourage your kids to hang with their drug dealing uncle? Why is emotional poison different than a drug dealer. I'm not sure what you could find in these people that would be healthy for your kids.

They couldn't be bothered with their sibling/child that was in poor health and then dying? They aren't really family, so what can they ever offer to educate or enhance your children's lives?

[findingdeadbeats]

My late DH was very mentally unstable. The roots of that were from his mother once packing up the car and leaving in the middle of the night with her kids when they were young because she found out her DH was cheating on her. He never saw his father after that until many years after we were married.

She re-married an abusive alcoholic who did "nice" things like take DH and his brother to a brothel in NV when they were 12 and made them have sex with a prostitute... They also picked up a hitchhiker, beat her, raped her, and left her for dead on the side of the road - all on a "hunting trip" with the sons along. To his step-father, that was a "great hunting trip to be remembered..."

DH's step-father would make him sit at the dinner table and would not let him eat because that was "wasting food" because he was already too fat... I understand that went on most of his teenage years. All the while, his mother sat there and allowed it.

During our marriage his mother used to tell me on a regular basis that I was going to kill him early by not controlling what he ate. He was a freaking adult....

The primary reason I no longer talk to my in-laws is that I feel like DH's death was essentially the divorce I wanted for many years, and in that case I would have no contact with his family. I didn't talk to them much anyway, and none of them live anywhere near us. My kids would see/talk to them about once a year - whenever DH drove down there. It's not like they can be bothered to ever come see their grand kids....

Since DH's passing, his family called on a regular basis to tell me how my DS1 not working is ruining his life, how I should be doing X, Y and Z with my life, etc... and quite frankly, they have ZERO idea what they are talking about and my life just isn't any of their business. At all. They have no earthly idea about DS1's mental state... and, quite frankly, I don't think it is any of their business...

DS1 got tired of the "when are you going to get your shit together" calls and stopped talking to them. DS2 got tired of the lectures about what me and DS1 should be doing in our lives and stopped answering their calls as well.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

JFC. Those people are . I can see why your DH was so messed up. I wouldn't want any contact with them either, nor would I want them talking to my kids.