I don't know what to do

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Mid,



A day or two reading the Floriduh or other such stories on EE will tell you that any asshat with working reproductive organs can become a parent. That doesn't mean he/she will be any good at it. Unfortunately, you got a crappy father. That bad luck is EXTREMELY heartbreaking. We all want the most fundamental of relationships (parent/child) to be the loving, supportive, carefree examples we see in Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver. But some of us get totally screwed and don't get healthy, functioning relationships with our parents...and never will no matter how much effort *we* expend trying to create them. You are faced with a huge loss -- the loss of the parent you want and need and have been hoping for. You are also faced with a huge problem -- the existence of a parent who can NEVER give you what you want and need. Grieve the loss. It's real. It IS painfully real. Then, take stock of all of those in your life who DO give you what you want and need and nurture those relationships. Life is too short to spend it letting others repeatedly rip the fresh scabs off of old wounds. It is clear your father is someone who will never be able to have a healthy relationship with you (although *you* clearly know how to have healthy relationships). He will continue to open old wounds until the day he dies. In 80 years or so when *you* die, however, you will go having known RECIPROCAL love and respect and support. There is nothing to feel guilty about in choosing the latter over the former. Nothing. Take the time to grieve the loss of the father you never had and then do what you need to do to help those wounds heal permanently. Choose healthy, loving relationships over sick, abusive ones. There is no shame or guilt in shutting off someone who hurts you (only if you were to also then turn on him/her and make his/her life more difficult than it clearly already is). Simply walking away from toxic relationships is, in the end, beneficial to both sides. You'll eliminate a huge well of pain from your life AND successfully stop your father from inflicting more pain.

I wish you peace, Mid. Peace be with you.

[sheilaincali]

May 2, 2012 17:07:43 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

May 2, 2012 16:30:06 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

DH's mother is a horrible excuse for a mother. I could go on and on for pages about all the crap she did to him growing up. He finally distanced himself from her a few years ago on the advice of his therapist. His Dr. told him that he mother wasn't a good presence in his life and to limit his contact with her. All of her phone calls go to voice mail and DH will email her back. He accepted her friend request on FB but then blocked her so she thinks they are still friends but doesn't see his updates.

In my opinion- if you start blocking his number and that it will just get worse as he will be angry that you had the gall to block his number. Just send him straight to voicemail or whatever and ignore him. Move on with your life and do let him keep dragging you down.

Wow that sounds like it could have been written by my DH.

Actually for years I would send a Christmas card to her with a picture of the kids in it. I would sign it from the family. No question she knew it was from me though. Years later they got to the point he could be in the same room with her and neither get mad. Baby steps. ;D

5 years ago she had a massive stroke at 65 and has been in a nursing home ever since. He is the only one she remembers. We are also the ones to pay the bills like cable tv for her. We don't visit much. When we do it is a huge 2 hour long shit storm with her crying and him insisting he wont leave until she does. The last time I almost left him there. It is crazy sad though that at this point she had alienated everyone to the point that she is literally alone both in body as well as mind.

That is my fear. That Her current DH (#5 I think) will pass and she will have no one to turn to but us. She will guilt DH big time and I know he will eventually cave. This woman is toxic with a captial T. If she tried to move to our town and start depending on DH for everything we would end up divorced within a year.

[happyhoix]

I don't know your backstory but this one thing your mom said raised a question in my mind:

So I turn to my OTHER parent. She says "He's your dad, he deserves a relationship with his children." And that "the past is the past" and I just need to "get over it." And "why do you let what he says bother you so much?"

When your mom said "the past is the past" was your mom talking about last WEEK, as in "He sent you that crappy email last week" or were you bringing up crappy things that happened years ago, in your childhood?

I'm asking because I had a crappy parent, too. Verbally and physically abusive, emotionally cold and denigrating. I left childhood with quite a bit of baggage that I drug through my young adult hood with me. Finally, in my late twenties, as I was laying there at night unable to sleep because I was revisiting - for the millionth time - a beating or verbal assault from my past, I thought about what my parent was thinking at that very moment, and realized she was probably sleeping like a baby. (My parent, like most abusive parents, insists she was a fabulous parent and denies ever abusing any of us as kids.)

That realization - that I was continuing to suffer while my parent was oblivious, made me realize I needed to discard all my crap baggage. Mentally I cut it away, letting all the resentment and anger fall away from me and down into an enormous ravine.

Then I got happy. This didn't happen all at once, I had to catch myself when I was wallowing in anger and make myself cut it out, but over time I left all that crap behind.

This doesn't mean I've forgotten what happened, or that I now have a wonderful relationship with my parent. But I was able to get to the place where we are polite, if distant. If she starts into an area I don't want to go (like bragging about what a great mom she was) I change the subject or leave the room. The most important thing is, I don't think about that crap anymore. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't keep me awake at night. The past really is the past. I'm happy. And you can be too.

I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea. You may decide your father is so toxic you can't maintain a relationship with him at all. That's not a horrible thing. But you may be able to drive a stake through the heart of all your pain and free yourself to enjoy your life and to consider your parent a sad and even silly person who spoiled his chances to have a really great relationship with all his kids. A silly person, one who can't bother you anymore.

[Peace77]

Your sperm donor is crazy to think anything positive could result from the hateful messages he sent. I agree with cutting off contact with him.

Your mother has made a mistake in telling you how you feel or will feel (regret). No one has the right to tell another how or what to feel. I agree that it's best not to talk about him with her.

A counselor could provide a good neutral sounding board. Whatever you decide, I'm sure that you will be fine.

[zibazinski]

My mother and I had a lot of issues. Fortunately, we got some of them resolved before she died. But like most bad people, she thought she was all that and that the world revolved around her and what she wanted. She wasn't as bad as your father but my ex was and he does a number when it suits him, on my kids. Now, thanks to me, the kids just tell him to F off or just ignore him when he is being an asshat. I enjoy watching their relationship with him. But I am no longer scared of him and that helps.

[midjd]

again to all of you. I saw J's post about non-YM threads so was just going to let this sink to the bottom, but then I felt bad, because you have all been so great. So thanks again.

[zibazinski]

Okay, to keep it money related, how much does therapy cost?

[Gardening Grandma]

May 3, 2012 14:21:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Okay, to keep it money related, how much does therapy cost?

I don't recall exactly how much I spent on counseling before kicking my son out (20+years ago). My healthcare ins paid for part of it and I paid the balance. But it saved my sanity which is priceless.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If your workplace has an employee assistance program you can often times get a certain amount of sessions for free. I utilized the EAP here when I got back from maternity leave. I can get up to 7 sessions free.

It's not enough for in-depth counseling but a couple free sessions was enough for me to get my head screwed back on and make the transition to working mother.

[Angel!]

I was wondering who was complaining also. I like that YM has these types of threads & supports people in their non-money issues. But, maybe others don't.

I paid ~$70/session until I hit my deductable, which was $4K. I have a high deductable plan, so I pay 100% of everything up until that point & they pay 100% after that. I was pregnant at the time, so there was no question I would hit my deductable that year.

I felt it was definitely worth it & gave me lots of useful tools & different ways to think about my behavior & my relationships with people. I stopped going because my therapist would call & change my time or just cancel my session about every other appointment. I started to feel that she didn't want me as a client - great for your self-esteem when you feel like a therapist that you pay doesn't even want to talk to you. So I stopped going, but still felt it had been worthwhile. I have thought it might be good for me to find another, but never bothered.

[muttleynfelix]

My old insurance treated my counselor like a specialist - so $35 copay. And she totally helped and I only went to 5 sessions and I have a follow up session next week. She just gave me some tools for coping and ways to relieve stress - for example working out in the morning instead of after DS had gone to bed at night helped me sleep better and totally reduced my stress level. It was definately worth it. I know someone mentioned they thought counselling was a crock, but in my experience, I just wasn't getting there on my own. We reallly didn't talk too much about my problems, just gave me some coping skills instead of spending time talking to you all on the internet and getting in trouble at work.

[muttleynfelix]

mid- I'm sorry your parents suck. I have no advice, but they don't deserve you. You are a wonderful, talented woman (or at least you play one on the internet).

[zibazinski]

[Formerly SK]

If your state has mental health parity laws, seeing a counselor should be the equivalent of seeing a MD for a checkup - you pay your standard copay.

[Firebird]

Why? Because your dad is a tool? Fuck no. Don't let his shit and failings start making you doubt yourself. The world is full of assholes, you can't let them tear you down, even when they are related.

x 1,000,000.

You are a great person, Mid. And sometimes great people have crappy parents. It's not a comment on you at all. If anything, it's a testament to how much you've been able to overcome.

[zibazinski]

Amen. It's amazing how some children can survive a crappy childhood and go on to become good parents and good citizens. Then others decide to let it be an excuse to ruin another generation.

[Waffle]

May 3, 2012 16:37:23 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

mid- I'm sorry your parents suck. I have no advice, but they don't deserve you. You are a wonderful, talented woman (or at least you play one on the internet).

[Wisconsin Beth]

My therapist is $140 per session. I have new insurance coverage this year but we know we're going to hit the max. this year so we're not even trying to avoid doctor/therapy sessions anymore.