I don't know what to do

[midjd]

Deleted - sorry for the off-topic post.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

First I'm going to recommend the YM favorite book Boundaries. Then I am going to recommend my favorite Co-Dependent No More.


Then I think you need to get yourself into some counseling.

I do not think you are a bad person or a horrible daughter. You do not OWE him anything when he makes you feel the way he does. Just because his sperm contributed to your conception does not mean he automatically gets a free pass to trample your self esteem.

Your mother has her own hang ups and those are hers to deal with. She doesn't have the right to try to make you do anything. If she can't respect it then you may need to consider cutting off ties with her too till she grasps the fact that she can't tell you what to do.

Therapy can help you nagivate this. It'll also give you a neutral third party to talk to about this and offer support.

[Wisconsin Beth]

What do I do?

See a therapist and discuss.

Am I crazy?

No.

Am I a horrible daughter?

No.

Do I owe him a relationship?

Hell no.

Please be honest, because I am really starting to doubt my sanity - and maybe I'm right in doing so.

See a therapist and discuss.

I like my therapist. It's not painful, it's not shameful and it's great to know that I can go and vent to her.

[Peace Of Mind]

Honestly, it doesn't matter how others see him. It only matters how you see him because it's between the two of you. If he makes you feel bad or if you just don't enjoy his company I'd keep the relationship surface only (weddings, funerals, etc.) until you either feel differently or he changes towards you. Blood does not mean you have to allow abuse or allow somebody to hurt you. How you react and feel is on you so you need to find ways to deal. Good luck with that part.

[midjd]

Thanks, guys.

I've been thinking about therapy for a while but am afraid to pull the trigger. Stigma or what, I don't know. I'm sure it would help, though. Maybe this is actually a good thing, gave me the push I needed...

till she grasps the fact that she can't tell you what to do.

This made me chuckle a little. I don't think that concept is in her mental toolbox...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

There is a lot of stigma when it comes to therapy. Getting help doesn't mean you are crazy, it means you recognize you don't have the tools to deal with this and need some help.


This made me chuckle a little. I don't think that concept is in her mental toolbox...

Doesn't matter. She needs to be put in her place on the subject. A therapist can help you set boundaries with your mother.

[Gardening Grandma]

You are not crazy.
You are not a horrible daughter.
You most definitely do not owe him a relationship.

My advice? Can you turn off any text messages from him? If so, do it immediately. If you can't turn them off, then I strongly suggest deleting them without reading them.

[kindthatjingles]

Kudos for your bravery,


I have at times an odd relationship with my Mom.

I take what I can from the realtionship and leave the rest.
Set up boudaries you are comfortable with and leave it there.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You should be able to block texts. Your cell company can tell you how to do it. I've had to do with text spam thru Sprint. It was incredibly simple.

[dannylion]

You are not crazy, and it is not all right that he treats you that way. A father who would speak to you like that does not deserve a relationship with you. You deserve to be treated with respect, even by your parents. The reason what he says bothers you is because he is your father and should be your biggest fan, not your worst critic. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to exclude him from your life since he makes you feel so awful, and in fact does so deliberately.

You probably need to organize your thoughts and explain yourself, once, to your mother and then decline to discuss it further.

Possibly others will advise you that you cannot control what your father does, but you can control how you react to it. That is true, but the fact that he is your father makes what he does more painful, and you cannot help but be hurt by it. You will likely be better off keeping him at a distance and reducing his opportunities to interject unpleasantness into your life.

[moxie]

But because it's my dad, he's allowed to treat me this way?

*Absolutely NOT!!

What do I do? Am I crazy? Am I a horrible daughter? Do I owe him a relationship?

*No...sometimes it is better to let things go...even in families. It's not healthy to keep trying and trying to make things right...you are an adult now and can make your own decisions. Look out for
#1--YOU!!

[moxie]

You have a wonderful husband, btw.

[Sum Dum Gai]

So I turn to my OTHER parent. She says "He's your dad, he deserves a relationship with his children." And that "the past is the past" and I just need to "get over it." And "why do you let what he says bother you so much?"

Gotta love getting horrible advice from mom.

What do I do?

Tell your dad to go fuck himself, and that if he keeps harassing you the texts will be forwarded to the police for followup.

Am I crazy?

No. Plenty of us have less than desirable parents. You wouldn't be the only one that's broken off all contact with a parent.

Am I a horrible daughter?

Why? Because your dad is a tool? Fuck no. Don't let his shit and failings start making you doubt yourself. The world is full of assholes, you can't let them tear you down, even when they are related.

Do I owe him a relationship?

Hells to the no!!!

[Driftr]

May 2, 2012 15:12:45 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

You are not crazy.
You are not a horrible daughter.
You most definitely do not owe him a relationship.

My advice? Can you turn off any text messages from him? If so, do it immediately. If you can't turn them off, then I strongly suggest deleting them without reading them.

My thoughts exactly.

I would also stop trying to get the validation from your mom. Now that her feelings are clear, no need to stress yourself or her out about this. If your dad goes to her and she comes at you again, you can let her know that your relationship with your father is your business and not hers. Obviously you'd know best how to make sure she gets the memo that continued harrassment about the issue will not be tolerated. Heck, you could even throw a 'sorry, I never should have mentioned it to you in the first place' comment out there.

[quotequeen]

Mid, I don't think I know the backstory here, but this sounds a bit like my DH's bio dad. He and his sisters hadn't really seen or heard from him in something like 20 years but one day he tracked them down and started sending them all emails/facebook requests/whatever he could. As they responded or not he got progressively crazier in his responses and followups. None of them want anything at all to do with him.

[giramomma]

You are not crazy.

Besides the books, and the therapist, you may want to look into CoDA. It's a 12 step group for folks with codependency issues.

When I finally found my therapist that understood me, it was amazing. But, the other part to that is you need to be sure you are ready to change.

It wasn't until I was in my early 30's that I was ready to get off the train. But, it was because my marriage fell apart, and I was seeing rapidly that my relationship with my folks was also falling apart. THEN and only then was I ready to change my behaviors and accept the consequences of my behaviors.

In my case, it meant that I had to mourn the loss of the relationship. I went through the whole 5 step grieving process. It's rather an awkward thing to do, mourning the death of the relationship with your parents, when they are still alive.

In my case, it's my mom that has the issues. I think my dad knew that something was off, but never chose to press the issue. Rather than protecting me from my mom's untreated mental illness(es), he chose to stand by and support my mom. I get why he would do that. Leaving and cleaving to your wife and all of that. BUT, I paid the price for his actions.

When all is said and done, I'm actually most sad/disappointed that my dad never made the decision to protect me growing up. I couldn't imagine doing the same to my kids, purposefully keeping them in dysfunction at all costs.

Anywho, with time and work, you can come out of the other end, with a really good life, actually.

And, be gentle on yourself if you decide that you aren't ready for the work now. Trust, that someday you will, and things will happen as they are supposed to.

[Green Eyed Lady]

You don't owe him a thing, JD. But you owe yourself peace. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I think therapy is a crock of shit. That's my opinion and it won't change. Have you sat down with your father and told him how he makes you feel? You haven't said, at least here, what the issues are between you and your father and I don't know if talking about them with him is even appropriate, but if you tell him what it is he is doing and he continues to do it, you've done all you can and you should be able to find some peace in getting him out of your life and keeping him out. If he changes because of your talk, then you can decide what you want from that point.

Good luck to you.

[moxie]

I am impressed with the guys' responses here.

[gawgagranny]

Before I say anything else, let me say NO, you do NOT owe him a relationship just because he was the sperm donor who contributed half of your DNA. I don't know/remember enough of your story to discuss the specifics of your situation but let me share some of my ancient history with you if you will--hopefully it will help give you a little more insight....

My sperm donor basically deserted me and my mom when I was an infant because he didn't want to be "tied down" with a wife and child while he was still in college--he wanted to be free to do his own thing (should have thought of that before he married my mom at 19 & conceived me a few weeks later, huh?) This was back in the late 1950's. He was not much of a factor in my life growing up; he basically signed his visitation rights over to his parents and I spent my Saturdays growing up with my paternal grandparents--often going several months at a time without seeing him. When he remarried several years later & had another family, my stepmother tried hard to include me but he didn't have a lot of use for me then either. Flash forward to my (first) wedding--I asked my stepdad (who had raised me from toddlerhood) to walk me down the aisle but invited my birth father and his whole family to attend and take part in other ways. He reacted by sending me a very angry, hurtful letter expressing his disappointment in me and his inability to watch "some other man give his daughter away". My reply to him was that my DAD had earned the right by being there for me my whole life while he was out doing whatever he wanted to do.....so not only did they not come, we didn't speak much for several years. My XH was supportive but my mother was, too. My grandmother was torn between the two of us for a long time, but she was able to make her peace with it.

The first positive step on our road to having some kind of relationship was the birth of my first son. Over the next 20 years we did manage to have an adult relationship, but nothing like a parent/child relationship ever really developed between us. Before he died of cancer several years ago, our relationship had slowly improved and for that, I am very thankful, especially for his mother's sake--but to this day, I still hesitate to identify myself as his daughter when asked (I still live in the same small town that I grew up in).

[midjd]

My advice? Can you turn off any text messages from him? If so, do it immediately. If you can't turn them off, then I strongly suggest deleting them without reading them.

I know I couldn't on my old phone - I may be able to on this one. (Thought about switching phones with DH for a day but I'd hate to have to go bail him out of jail... ) QQ, funny you mentioned that, I think this all started because I denied his FB friend request!

Thank you all again so much for your support. I've spent most of the afternoon crying in my office and I'll be honest, I still am - but I do feel better. Or at least less like I'm losing my mind. When everyone around you seems to be seeing something totally different, it's hard to know what's really true...

[greenstone]

It sounds like your dad is still behaving in the manner that drove you to distance yourself from him the first time. You had the courage and self-respect to walk away, don't go back just to please him or anyone else.

You've said before your dad is controlling and manipulative and that is all this is. He tried to get you to do what he wants by preying on your sympathy, that didn't work. Now he is trying to shame you into it. If he isn't successful, he will try another tactic next. It is what manipulators do.

You're not crazy or horrible. You're being strong and refusing to accept being treated badly. Good for you.

[saveinla]

May 2, 2012 15:14:42 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

You should be able to block texts. Your cell company can tell you how to do it. I've had to do with text spam thru Sprint. It was incredibly simple.

Block that number right away.

[justme]

I agree with everyone, and have a suggestion if you're not ready to block his number. I'm not sure if it works with dumb phones, but Google Voice has some amazing controls on it. You can completely block numbers or set up specific things for different numbers. Like it always goes to voicemail, or it can send any texts from that number to a separate folder, it'll even transcribe the voicemails, etc. That way you could deal with what he's said when YOU want to, or you could have your DH sort through it and make the nasty messages disappear.

[Abby Normal]

Having been in a similar situation- I can related. Only it's my sister who thinks I should have the "relationship" with our dad.

First- No one can make you feel guilty for your actions but you. If you feel guilty, figure out why then deal with that. Every one else's opinion is background noise.
Second- I would reply to his next text simply saying " And you wonder why we don't have a relationship." Period. Delete all other messages.
Third- get into counseling if you feel you need it.

For me- once I realized that I missed the idea of a father- not the father I have- I was completely ok with everything else that went on.

[NancysSummerSip]

Not crazy, not a horrible daughter and no, you owe him nothing. He's the one who decided to start over with a new wife and whitewash his old life. He can only make you feel as bad as you allow him to. You did not pick him as a dad and you are an adult. You can choose to stop what sounds a lot like emotional abuse. And it sounds like you mom either 1) just does not want to deal with it, or 2) was at the receiving end of similar abuse, and her way of dealing with it is to shove it on you and make you do it instead.

It's nice to have a positive relationship with your parents. But not everyone gets to have it. You can find other mentors, other leaders, other people to look up to, to depend on, to rely on. Your DH, coworkers, friends, and sure, give therapy a shot and see if it helps. Sometimes a third party who's uninvolved with things is a good sounding board.

From reading your posts here and on other boards, I'd say your head is screwed on pretty straight, JD.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 2, 2012 15:27:49 GMT -5 midjd said:

Thank you all again so much for your support. I've spent most of the afternoon crying in my office and I'll be honest, I still am - but I do feel better. Or at least less like I'm losing my mind. When everyone around you seems to be seeing something totally different, it's hard to know what's really true...

Tears release hormones and stress and stuff. So yeah, crying should make you feel better, for a bit. And yes, it's perfectly FINE for you to grieve for the loss of the relationship with him. It's also perfectly fine for you to feel relief at the decision to disengage from him.

[gawgagranny]

It is amazing what power our parents can have over us even when we are long past childhood, isn't it?

You are obviously an intelligent, rational woman--I can say that without having met you simply because first of all, your educational path and even more so, the quality and content of your posts here when serious topics are discussed.

Like you, I have a professional degree and a successful career (not to mention at least a good 2/+ decades' life experience on you!) but I can still remember how my birth father could make me feel like absolute crap over some trivial little thing or the other--and he has been dead over 10 years!

Just like the other posters have said, you do NOT owe him anything, and he should be man enough to understand that. Shoot, threaten him with harrassment charges if he doesn't leave you alone for now!! You are a lawyer; you can make things like that happen!

And it sounds (yet again) like your DH is a great guy. Having someone firmly in your corner is a tremendous asset in something like this.

[Deleted]

Mid it breaks my heart to see you so upset, especially since you are victim in this. You can't choose your parents, and it burns me that they do not see the clever, funny, intelligent and caring person you are.

You do NOT owe him a relationship. However, I would probably send him a text asking him whether he thought his text messages would improve the relationship, and tell him you want no more contact with him for the foreseeable future.

And then I would block his number.

He sounds like a selfish bully, and he's probably not used to people standing up to him.

His loss, Mid, not yours.

As far as your mom goes, I probably wouldn't cut her off, but obviously this isn't going to make the two of you any closer.

Shame on both of them!

[hoops902]

"You do NOT owe him a relationship. However, I would probably send him a text asking him whether he thought his text messages would improve the relationship, and tell him you want no more contact with him for the foreseeable future."

I disagree only because I don't think people need to play the "I got the last word in" game. If you don't want contact, ignore the messages, block them, and move on. You don't need to continue the dysfunction by trying to one-up him with comments back at him.

[hoops902]

May 2, 2012 15:36:56 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

The fact that your mother is not supporting your feelings is, I believe, what is at the heart of your problem.
If not for your mother, you probably would have no problem dismissing your dad. Me thinks she is more of a problem for you than he is.
Maybe you care too much about what your mother thinks? I know...hard not to.

I can imagine though that her mother, given that they are divorced, has potentially worked very hard to get to the "I'm not going to badmouth your father to you" point. She might not even really care if all contact is cut from dad, but I can easily imagine how she wouldn't want to be the one to say that to you.