I DESERVE IT!

[Deleted]

Famous word from my wife yesterday that made me think: What do we really deserve in life?

As I said a couple of weeks earlier my wife agreed that we needed to move and that with our current apartment our savings will be a pittance.

But I guess reality hit home for her yesterday when we started looking around at different places we could move into and what not. My dear wife had a meltdown in the car.

Yes meltdown... she starting crying, hyperventilating, etc. And she kept on saying how she "deserve" our current apartment. She did everything she was told " go to school, get a degree, got a masters" and never strayed. And darn it SHE DESERVE THIS!

And went on and on about how life was unfair, that she work hard all week and worked hard all thru college, graduate school, etc. And the list goes on on the things I made her settle for (she wanted a mini cooper not the Honda she has now; she wanted wanted hardwood floors instead of carpet but that costs $$$$) and went on and on.

Basically the party line was: I DESERVE THIS!

So I want to know... what in this world do we really deserve? Because we got home I gave her a pen/paper/calculator and told her to do the math/budget and get back to me (she still did not get back to me).
She feels alot of her friends or people her age have nice apartments, I told her in what world was she living in?
And of course how her life sucks because she couldn't get all she wanted, and how it is unfair.... and I told her compared to some people I know her life is "great".

So who is to blame? Her mother or parents like her mother for telling their kids that if they go to college, get a job... everything will be OK? Making them believe that all will fall into places and they will be instantly like mommy and daddy (have a nice car, nice house, nice things)?

My wife fell for it and in her mind because she did everything right she should be able to get everything she wants... basically SHE DESERVE IT.

****Not taking into consideration that her student loans costs $700/month out of her 42K salary ****

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 8:07:23 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

****Not taking into consideration that her student loans costs $700/month out of her 42K salary ****

Ouch. How long till the loans are gone? That's a budget-killer.

Anyway, in answer to your question- I'm not sure what people "deserve", but the attitude that you deserve something for your education, hard work, etc. is a good way to over-spend. When I'm buying something that's clearly a want and not a need, I never motivate myself by saying that I deserve it- I just make the decision that this is one of the ways I want to use my discretionary funds after the bills are paid, the savings are added to and the charities are taken care of.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty, though. In the town where I used to live, there was a guy in my church with a Ph.D. in Math. He worked in the produce section of the grocery store because he couldn't get a teaching job. I have a BA in Math but I chose a different career. I look at the people who clean up after me in hotels, or who stand on their feet all day at Wal-Mart for crap wages. In many ways they work harder than I do.

There are no entitlements based on education. That helps but you have to add marketable skills and other qualities that get you ahead in the workplace. And using the attitude that you deserve something as an excuse for overspending is very bad for the budget.

Can you find examples of people who are worse off than your wife (better education but less $$$, harder working conditions for less money) and remind her that her education has kept her out of those jobs?

[suzwantstobefree]

I think anything beyond food, basic shelter, and clothing is a blessing. I don't know how old you are, but I also have a Masters Degree. It took me a long time to get to the point that I have paid off my student loans and have a good job that really provides for my needs and a lot of my wants. I could afford a much "nicer" house in a better neighborhood but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I guess what I am saying is that it takes time to get to a point where you can have the nicer things in life with out sacrificing your safety net.

Perhaps what you talk to your wife about is the fact that you can live like you are but it means that if you are living paycheck to paycheck and have no safety net if something happens. Perhaps you should try setting goals with her such as, once we have restored our emergency funds savings to XX dollars, we can look at a "better" apartment but until then we need to conserve our money and make sure that we have the resources to handle an emergency. I think that if she sees that you can get a nice apartment but it means sacrificing something else she may be more on board with it.

Money problems are the number one cause of divorce. I would recommend going to a money management class together so you can both get on the same page financially.

[zibazinski]

This isn't the first time your wife has not been realistic about your finances. You guys need to get on the same page and very soon. I think you know the consequences of not being on the same page.

[The J]

She can live in that apartment. She'd just have to give up other spending. Good luck.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 8:52:29 GMT -5 @suzwantstobefree said:

Perhaps what you talk to your wife about is the fact that you can live like you are but it means that if you are living paycheck to paycheck and have no safety net if something happens. Perhaps you should try setting goals with her such as, once we have restored our emergency funds savings to XX dollars, we can look at a "better" apartment but until then we need to conserve our money and make sure that we have the resources to handle an emergency. I think that if she sees that you can get a nice apartment but it means sacrificing something else she may be more on board with it.

She understand that and agrees... it is when it comes to not just talk the talk but walk the walk she bulks.
She agrees that we need to save more... but just does not want to sacrifice anything to do so.

[zibazinski]

Well, then maybe both of you should get second jobs while you have no other responsibilities.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Does this really surprise you, cawaiw?

This has been going on since before your wedding. Did you think that things would change magically just because you married?

She was fed this line from her mother - likely from the time she could understand this premise. So you're asking her to change a behavior that has had 20 years to be ingrained in her personality.

[SVT]

Is that a half naked picture of you in that avatar?

[SVT]

Anyway, the only thing I can say is to keep your eyes on the prize. Whatever goals you/her are working towards by saving and not spending so much, keep your eyes fixed on that goal. That will help determine if what you are doing (or not doing) is worth it. If she decides it's not worth doing what you guys are doing to reach that goal then you will either have to compromise with her so that you both have the same financial goals (or ways to meet those goals) or it's going to be difficult for your marriage.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 11:02:14 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Does this really surprise you, cawaiw?

This has been going on since before your wedding. Did you think that things would change magically just because you married?

She was fed this line from her mother - likely from the time she could understand this premise. So you're asking her to change a behavior that has had 20 years to be ingrained in her personality.

Oh no, I am not surprised at all.
I have been with my wife for 8 years this coming may, married for 3 this august... so I know her quite well.

I was not surprised... just made me think of that : I DESERVE IT attitude and exactly what in this world does one deserve.

Are parents setting kids up for disappointment by letting them think that by doing everything in order they should be able to get all they deserve in life. Or something in that nature.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 11:10:21 GMT -5 SVT said:

Is that a half naked picture of you in that avatar?

Yes

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Hey, Caw,
you guys are in your late 20s arent you...if I recall. If so, it is kind of a bit early for her to be pulling out the "I deserve it" card.
Your wife sounds like she is very immature. That is just my take, do not take it personally.

[SVT]

Jan 16, 2011 11:20:53 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

Hey, Caw,
you guys are in your late 20s arent you...if I recall. If so, it is kind of a bit early for her to be pulling out the "I deserve it" card.
Your wife sounds like she is very immature. That is just my take, do not take it personally.

I agree. It sounds like it's from her upbringing maybe? I think that was already mentioned above.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 11:20:53 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

Hey, Caw,
you guys are in your late 20s arent you...if I recall. If so, it is kind of a bit early for her to be pulling out the "I deserve it" card.
Your wife sounds like she is very immature. That is just my take, do not take it personally.

We are both 25 and I agree with you... I will blame her mom for that.

[DVM gone riding]

I have to get away from that mentality too. Mine also cost 700/month but I make 70k. Why did she go to grad school for such a low salary? Is it going to get better because I would think she could have made that on the average BA? Or does she not want to work as hard as she could to get all the things she thinks she deserves.

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 11:52:23 GMT -5 DVM gone riding said:

I have to get away from that mentality too. Mine also cost 700/month but I make 70k. Why did she go to grad school for such a low salary? Is it going to get better because I would think she could have made that on the average BA? Or does she not want to work as hard as she could to get all the things she thinks she deserves.

She got her Masters in Public Health.
One of her teachers told her in grad school that while her field is a noble field, it is not one that pays alot of money.... God knows he was right.

I make 53k with a BA so yes we know she could be making more with a simple BA. We are hoping that as the years go by she will get some promotions and pay raises... and attribute the low ball salary to the fact this is her first job out of grad school (graduated last may and started working there in sept)

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

She may need to pursue a Doctorate to seen any improvement in her career.

[Jake 48]

Caw,
anything I think I deserve, I find a way to pay for it with drowning in debt. Where will her job be in 5 yrs?, experience/ time will probably = more money and then you can get something you feel you deserve. Your young, just starting out, Rome wasn't built in a day, good luck

[Deleted]

Jan 16, 2011 12:05:12 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

She may need to pursue a Doctorate to seen any improvement in her career.

She intends too in a year or 2.
Most Phd programs she has looked into requires at least 2 years work experience.
She is currently studying for the GRE

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

She may need to pursue a Doctorate to seen any improvement in her career.

Not much, for the amount of education. I'm ABD in a doctorate of PH and probably won't see my salary go up much further.

In fact, I'll likely make more money using the doctorate along with my current education (basic research) than in a regular PH position, but this is because my basic science background gives me some advantages that PH does not.

[Deleted]

We all deserve it.
which is why our country is in such great fiscal shape today.

[Peace77]

You only deserve what you can afford.

A lot of people think that they should have everything that Mom and Dad do even though their parents saved and bought what they have over the past 20 years or so.

$700 a month is more than we pay for mortgage, taxes and insurance.

Consider looking for an apartment where there is work available. There could be either a rent discount, pay for work done or a combination of the two. For example: some apartments pay people to keep the halls clean or to show apartments during the evenings and weekends.

I second the idea of helping out at a homeless shelter. Then, maybe she will realize how fabulous her life is.

Consider taking Dave Ramsey's course: Financial Peace University. Couples need to take it together and be on the same financial page.

Peace.

[Cookies Galore]

Jan 16, 2011 11:57:29 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Jan 16, 2011 11:52:23 GMT -5 DVM gone riding said:

I have to get away from that mentality too. Mine also cost 700/month but I make 70k. Why did she go to grad school for such a low salary? Is it going to get better because I would think she could have made that on the average BA? Or does she not want to work as hard as she could to get all the things she thinks she deserves.

She got her Masters in Public Health.
One of her teachers told her in grad school that while her field is a noble field, it is not one that pays alot of money.... God knows he was right.

I am planning on getting my Masters in Public Health as well, but luckily my work will pay for it and it does goes with what I already do for a living.
As for the topic at hand, the only thing one really "deserves" is cheesecake every so often. ;D

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

From what I can tell, the only way you can do anything in PH and make money is if you can combine it with other disciplines. Those people who I know that have gotten doctorates in PH (or MPH) have managed to use it to enhance other careers (i.e. physicians, nurses).

My employer paid for 100% of my degree as well, and it enhances what I currently do, so it's worth it. I'm not sure I'd be going in this direction if I was using it as a single degree.

[cronewitch]

I have always hated the word deserve when it comes to spending money. I was a kid when a canned vegetable company advertised green beans saying your family deserves the very best. I remember wete home canned green beans we picked and canned ourselves. When shopping we bought the cheap brands, we ate margarine not butter. Our family didn't deserve the very best we had a budget and only got what we could get from the available money. I don't deserve a vacation, fast food, or any other consumer spending.

I am appliance shopping now for a dishwasher and refrigerator. I told a sales clerk I didn't want a bottom of the line dishwasher, he said I deserved a good one. I explained it had nothing to do with what I deserved, I matters what I can afford. When deciding between price points deserve had never been in my though processes. My old one is very old and leaks some, not worth repairing. My choices are handwashing dishes and not replacing at all. Replacements cost between 350-1550. I can afford the very best, they all wash dishes. As the price goes up the features get better and they look nicer. I will sell my house in the next 5 years so I want a nice looking one with a name brand. I don't want to prewash dishes so I want one the has a food grinder, I don't care about noise. I am looking now between 450-809 at stainless steel with hidden controls. A few hundred doesn't mean much to me now so I will get what I want that seems like it is worth the differance. I am looking at refrigerators too and the one I think I want is over 2,500, others that would do are 500. I am saving about $3K a month from my paychecks and earning money on investments this month over 7K and last year 77K so saving a few hundred on appliances isn't important. I could be a horrid person and still afford it or a saint and not able to afford it.

Sick people like children with cancer they say deserve to live or to make a wish. They can afford treatment or they can't. If they can't someone might offer charity because they don't want to see them die or want them to get a wish. The sick kid doesn't have to have been on the nice list to deserve to live people would still help those on the naughty list.

I deserve to be treated well by people who wish to remain in my life. I deserve my paycheck, don't pay me and I don't work. I deserve personal safety, you hit me you go to jail.

[stantonjane]

I agree with all the posters who state that nothing is 'deserved'. It's hard not to cultivate a certain lifestyle expectation when you go through the process of getting advanced education and put in those 40 hour weeks. This is the motivator used to encourage people to go to college, after all. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that this will give you a particular lifestyle, anymore than there is a guarantee that working 40 hours at minimum wage will enable people to support themselves on even the basic necessities.

It's a tough pill to swallow, though.

[Deleted]

I'm with crone and a few others that say deserve just isn't relevant. Can you afford it?

[Poppet]

If you ever deserve anything it's when you've worked for it.

Most of what you have so far has been obtained on credit which means you haven't worked for it yet. She hasn't earned it.

So tell her to keep working. She'll deserve all her stuff eventually. Right now she needs to work for what she already has as well for what she wants. Ouch.

[Frappuccino]

Wow Cawiau! I don't have any advice, but hopefully she will soon see that both of you can have a nicer place when her &700/month student loans are paid off. Money might get her a nicer place, but it won't get her a nicer partner in life. Hopefully, she will come to appreciate the good things in her life instead of crying about the material items she doesn't have. She is going back to school soon too? I hope her employer is paying for it