Suicide

[bean29]

My DD was supposed to meet friends this evening. I was going to drop her off. It came time to leave and I asked her what was going on. She said one of her friends said their was an ambulance at her cousin's house...cousin was a friend of DS, he shot himself. He was taken by flight for life to a level one trauma center. His younger brother is in DD's class.

Neighbor kid, now in college came and picked up DS, his Dad is a police officer, he said the kid is still alive but it is bad.

The comments on facebook are unbelievable. Lots of comments posted, many as if the kid is already gone. My kids are both numb, and so am I. For a long time every time I went to the Mall or one of the kid's school events I ran into this kids parents.

Kid was a senior, bodybuilder...DS says he recently asked him if he was on steroids and he denied it.

Even DH seems concerned about our kids. They are both numb.

[Apple]

[Cass]

A gay friend of mine took his life last month, the second in a decade. I'm still devastated. He was only 24 and had just graduated University in June. So young, so much promise. His FB page is such an outpouring of love it takes my breath away.

[bean29]

Cassia,

I have a cousin who is gay. We visited her and her partner this summer. My kids, 14 and 17 (18 next week) asked me about the relationship... and I flat out told them what it was. I would rather find out my kids are gay that they thought that was so horrible they would take their own life.

My cousin has lived with her partner going on 25+ years. She had tears in her Eyes when I expressed my flat out acceptance and I told her I had outed her to my Mother, and Mom's response was to clarify that her partner was welcome at a family party. She did warn me though that her Mother still has issues with her lifestyle. I should probably discuss with my Mother...I think my Aunt would benefit from sharing her feelings with her friends and family.

We also have friendly relationship with a lesbian couple down the street.

We also lost a family member to suicide earlier this year. The wife (a relative of mine) is having a very difficult time moving on. I just don't understand why people think suicide is the best solution.

Back to my original post...DD said people are blaming the young Man's ex GF. Asked DD if she knew her and she said she sits in front of DD in a class. She is one grade older than DD. Too young to have this type of accusation thrown at her for sure. Such a shame on so many levels.

[Deleted]

How sad and shocking. I am sorry for their family. Your kids should probably see a grief counselor (sooner rather than later). Having something like this happen with someone they are close to is shattering.

ETA: If the friend was a very bulked up body builder, male, and planning to go into competition; then most likely he was using steroids. There are no competitions for male natural body builders (for females they do have natural body building competition). Steroids are very dangerous & in my DD's circles they have had to detach from the guys that use steroids (they deny use) but you can see the mental health swings and erratic behavior that seems to come with use

[Cass]

I worked in social services for a long time, and have a lot of gay friends I met while there. It just kills me that someone could be in so much pain and unable to reach out to anybody.
The friend I lost in 1995 had just gotten off the phone with his GF. His parents were due back from a week long vacation when he started the car in the garage.
Suicide is so senseless and so sad.

[bean29]

I may have misstated the situation. He was very bulked up and I thought even last year he was probably using steroids, but DS said he was a power lifter, I am not sure if that equates to bodybuilding or not. DS said he was #1 or #2 in the school, but I thought DS said last year that he was in the top 2 or 3 in the state.

[steff]

Oct 21, 2011 22:23:39 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Cassia,

I have a cousin who is gay. We visited her and her partner this summer. My kids, 14 and 17 (18 next week) asked me about the relationship... and I flat out told them what it was. I would rather find out my kids are gay that they thought that was so horrible they would take their own life.

My cousin has lived with her partner going on 25+ years. She had tears in her Eyes when I expressed my flat out acceptance and I told her I had outed her to my Mother, and Mom's response was to clarify that her partner was welcome at a family party. She did warn me though that her Mother still has issues with her lifestyle. I should probably discuss with my Mother...I think my Aunt would benefit from sharing her feelings with her friends and family.

We also have friendly relationship with a lesbian couple down the street.

We also lost a family member to suicide earlier this year. The wife (a relative of mine) is having a very difficult time moving on. I just don't understand why people think suicide is the best solution.

Back to my original post...DD said people are blaming the young Man's ex GF. Asked DD if she knew her and she said she sits in front of DD in a class. She is one grade older than DD. Too young to have this type of accusation thrown at her for sure. Such a shame on so many levels.

so very sorry for the pain your family is experiencing...

I have a gay brother. Our mom accepted it without batting an eye. My other brother & I always kinda knew, so it also wasn't a big deal for us. My brother & his partner are always welcome in our house & at all family gatherings. His partner was actually surprised at how easily he was accepted. He isn't out to his own family and it took him awhile to actually be comfortable with a family atmosphere without having to hide anything. Even all my kiddo's teenaged friends know, I'm thrilled to say that not a one of them has said anything rude, acted inappropriately, or avoiding our house while my brother & his bf are here.

One of the few people we thought wouldn't be told was my gramma because of her deep religious beliefs. But after a casual discussion between her & my mom, my mom told her. Gramma accepted it also without batting an eye, which surprised all of us. Then we found out why.....in her church years ago, friends of hers had a son come out. They forcefully did the "pray the gay away"/shame him approach and drove the young man to suicide. My gramma said she'd rather have an alive gay grandson than a dead straight one. I have to say, that I love her more and more for stepping outside of her religious beliefs and loving my brother without question or judgment.

I've always said that my brother is the exact same person today as he was before he came out. That same sweet, cute, funny guy he always was. He just happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

bean: Your kids are still young - they haven't had much exposure to death - especially one so tragic. Be patient with their grief. It's a lot for them to absorb. Listen - let them cry and talk all they want about it if they wish - they'll need to get it out - and if at all possible let them attend the service so they can find closure for themselves and be surrounded with others going through their sadness - and if you feel that counselling will help, encourage it. It sounds like a lot, but believe me it'll help. I lost a very close friend in high-school and it helped me get through the whole ordeal.

[Cass]

Good on your family steff for being so open and accepting. If only everyone felt that way.
I was raised with religion but rejected it as soon as I was able. It just seemed so contradictory to be 'loving and accepting' while rejecting certain segments deemed undesirable.

[zibazinski]

DS's beloved Grandmother committed suicide for no reason at all. Good health, faithful and healthy husband, no financial issues. Just ran the car in the garage and his Grandfather found her after he was done golfing. The whole family is/was devastated except for Grandpa who remarried a year to the day she died. DS took it especially hard as they were very close.

[steff]

Oct 21, 2011 23:08:30 GMT -5 Cass said:

Good on your family steff for being so open and accepting. If only everyone felt that way.
I was raised with religion but rejected it as soon as I was able. It just seemed so contradictory to be 'loving and accepting' while rejecting certain segments deemed undesirable.

I'm very anti-religion. My gramma however, was married to a Southern Baptist Minister (2nd hub). So for her, religion in so deeply ingrained that it's everywhere in her day to day. Also why we were all so shocked that she accepted it completely. It wasn't until she told the story about her friends in her church that it made sense. It also gave me a new light of respect for her for going against what that ingrained religion tells her she should do.

[femmefatale]

Suicide is just sad....

[bean29]

DS is home now, he was at the hospital. He said he "can't talk about it". He said only the young man's closets friends were there but there were nearly 200 people at the HS organized on FB. I told DD I would take her there tomorrow if she wants.

DD was upset that DS could not/would not talk about it. I told her to leave it alone, he apparently made promises he wants to keep. Also as neighbor boy drove and his Dad is a Police Officer they could have been privy to inside info that could violate procedures/ethics/confidentiality.

DD is kind of in a similar position to DS, she was texted info and asked to keep it confidential and she ended up texting her friend that it was too late, it was already all over fb. Two of DS's friends are relatives.

DS was a close friend in GS/MS. HS, he has several other friends, I am not sure how close a friend he was anymore, but sometimes you just don't lose the close feeling of your GS friendships.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry bean

In a case like this you almost wish he was using steroids so there can be some kind of explanation. The British call suicide "death while not in their right mind". For some reason that description has always given me comfort.

[bean29]

Steff,

I love your grandma. My cousin was engaged right out of college. The relationship ended - I think she broke it off and told him she was gay. He called my very catholic grandmother and told her. Why? What did he hope to accomplish? This was only vaguely discussed as we are Catholic and it was a taboo subject, but several years later I was going through relationship issues of my own, and I had the very strong sense that Grandma knew and accepted my cousin's choice. I have not brought this up to my cousin because it was a general sense not a stated fact.

[bean29]

Thanks Later,

My DH described my Cousin's husband's suicide as like someone who is anorexic but looks at themselves and thinks they are fat. They just think that nothing in their life is right and they way to make things better is to end their life. I agree that they can not be in their right mind to do something like this.

I will try to get my kids to counseling. I tired to get DD to go last year and she refused. Depression runs in my family so although there are no signs of trouble I like to be proactive. I think they may again refuse to go, which is why I offered to take DD to the high school tomorrow if there is some organized event.

Several People texted DS that he passed on. So sad.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry.

[steff]

So sorry for the loss bean....it's always incredibly sad to have something like this hit so close....

Sharing the grief with others at the school could be very helpful....Maybe the school plans on having grief councelors there to talk to the kids..if not, maybe mention it to someone in charge....

[Genuine GA Peach]

so, so sorry

my 12 year old nephew had a teen friend who committed suicide this year. It is VERY difficult for kids to handle. Sis & BIL have been keeping a close eye on him, and kept him talking about it.

I cannot imagine what a parent goes thru when their child commits suicide

[bring in the new year]

Bean, I'm so sorry. (eta - I see he did die. So sorry)

I always try and tell teens & college kids that when you're going through the first bad patch to remember the first time is almost always the worst. That once you're through that it does get better.

It breaks my heart especially now when if it IS depression, there are so many ways to help them get through the bad spell. And if it is steroids, well, I imagine they've got ways to treat that as well. And if it's being gay, well, my aunt came out to my family 30 years ago. If my devout Catholic family didn't burst into flames, it isn't going to happen. If my family could accept her and her partner (who unfortunately died a few years ago from cancer), any family can.

Bean, the only thing I would mention is - if you hear some more about the ex GF getting blamed for this, please try and put a stop to it. I think suicide is such a complicated issue, kids have to learn there's a difference between being responsible and being a trigger.

Someone can be a trigger for doing something like breaking up that in another teen would just lead to a drunken weekend. Most times, the only one responsible is the kid who did it. And they need help not accusation.

[Deleted]

Bean,I am so sorry to hear about your son's friend. I highly recommend grief counseling for them. We had a young man commit suicide at our local high school last year. It really was devastating to all those that knew him. I didn't know him, but my son was friends with his sister.

I unfortunately have had several friends commit suicide. All of them guys. Three of them were while I was in HS. The 4th one was just last year. That one was the hardest for me to get over and I still tear up when I think about him. We had known each other since HS. He was one of the nicest and most amazing guys I have ever met in my life. I will never understand what drove him to it.

[lilyofcourse]

I'm sorry for what your family is having to deal with. And it's such a selfish thing for anyone to do. Which makes it even harder to deal with. Your kids might benefit from counseling but more important they probably just need to know its ok to feel their pain, sadness and anger. Suicide is so stupid. Permanent solution to a temporary problem is what it is.

I had a friend who was a body builder. Was beginning to get some national recognition and was in the mags. But he was using roids and caine. He killed himself. He had become some one unrecognizable to his friends. Yes we could blame the drugs but it was his choice. he did it to himself.

I'll say a prayer for you guys. Life goes on for the living. Remember him. Pay your respects. And then get on with living. It's not easy. But it's what you have to do.

[Tennesseer]

Oct 21, 2011 23:14:44 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

DS's beloved Grandmother committed suicide for no reason at all. Good health, faithful and healthy husband, no financial issues. Just ran the car in the garage and his Grandfather found her after he was done golfing. The whole family is/was devastated except for Grandpa who remarried a year to the day she died. DS took it especially hard as they were very close.

Your DS's beloved grandmother had her reason(s) for committing suicide-she just never made them known. There is always a reason. Not everyone threatens to commit suicide and we get the chance to help them.

Unfortunately when they do threaten suicide we sometimes dismiss their statement as silly. My aunt told my father she was going to commit suicide (and why). My father dismissed the warning. Two weeks later on Thanksgiving Day she followed through on her promise and ended her life. My father blamed himself for her death up until the day he died.

[Tennesseer]

Oct 22, 2011 9:44:10 GMT -5 lilyofcourse said:

I'm sorry for what your family is having to deal with. And it's such a selfish thing for anyone to do. Which makes it even harder to deal with. Your kids might benefit from counseling but more important they probably just need to know its ok to feel their pain, sadness and anger. Suicide is so stupid. Permanent solution to a temporary problem is what it is.

I had a friend who was a body builder. Was beginning to get some national recognition and was in the mags. But he was using roids and caine. He killed himself. He had become some one unrecognizable to his friends. Yes we could blame the drugs but it was his choice. he did it to himself.

I'll say a prayer for you guys. Life goes on for the living. Remember him. Pay your respects. And then get on with living. It's not easy. But it's what you have to do.

Suicide is a selfish act. In the commiter's mind though there is so much pain and distorted reasoning they don't recognize it as being selfish. I imagine they also believe their family and friends would be better off without them if they were gone.

Bean-my condolences to the young man's family, your family and all the young man's friends.

[Opti]

Oct 22, 2011 10:02:15 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 21, 2011 23:14:44 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

DS's beloved Grandmother committed suicide for no reason at all. Good health, faithful and healthy husband, no financial issues. Just ran the car in the garage and his Grandfather found her after he was done golfing. The whole family is/was devastated except for Grandpa who remarried a year to the day she died. DS took it especially hard as they were very close.

Your DS's beloved grandmother had her reason(s) for committing suicide-she just never made them known. There is always a reason. Not everyone threatens to commit suicide and we get the chance to help them.

There are reasons for all of human behavior and most of the time people do not announce or share the reasons. Her husband could have been cheating on her, she may have gotten a very bad health diagnosis that was never shared with the family, side effects from a drug may have pushed her over the edge, etc. She knows what the reason was and like the kid in OP's post did not share it.

OP hope your kids find peace with what happened. I agree steroids
can cause people to do very stupid things and I think world class power lifters are not immune from using steroids and other questionable performance enhancing drugs.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 21, 2011 23:08:30 GMT -5 Cass said:

Good on your family steff for being so open and accepting. If only everyone felt that way.
I was raised with religion but rejected it as soon as I was able. It just seemed so contradictory to be 'loving and accepting' while rejecting certain segments deemed undesirable.

Sincerely not trying to proselytize and I agree that there is a lot of hypocritical dogma and many hypocritical people of faith out there, but maybe you just need to find a faith that is genuinely inclusive and values all people. Buddhism? B'ahai?

I'm a born and raised Catholic. Intellectually, I disagree with many tenets of my faith. After a long period of exploration, I've been able to resolve those disagreements by seeking out a Jesuit parish. The Jesuits are the most liberal of all Catholic orders. Their major message is that we should treat each other as we would want to be treated (hence my screenname). They also actively and purposefully engage in social justice and service to others less fortunate: 2 causes very close to my heart.

Even with my own faith, I am enlightened enough to believe that most religions try to guide people to the same goal: being a good person and loving others. Some people, like yourself, can do that without a formal, organized, religious base. Kudos -- it's striving for the goal that matters to me, not the name of the faith or the lack thereof.

To the OP: sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread. Just felt a need to speak up.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Bean, as the fellow parent of teens, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids.

Because no one may ever really know why the boy committed suicide, I wish you all peace in the coming days and months.

[MB-NY]

Bean; sorry for your loss and sorry your kids have to go through this. Let them grieve in the manner they see fit. Counseling at some point may not be a bad idea either. It's rough, but they will get through it. I've had some experience dealing with a suicide, but not with a person so young. It is horrible, no matter what the circumstances were leading up to it.

[Deleted]

My heart goes out to those who've lost loved ones to suicide. It has to be one of the most heart wrenching experiences in the lives of those left behind. We can only imagine the thoughts leading up to anyone literally following through with taking life into their own hands..

Bean.. I am so sorry you and your children are having to experience this kind of pain and hope counselors listen well to every child who needs counsel..