Senior Pelted to Death with Ketchup Packets

[Virgil Showlion]

Police and ambulance responded to the 911 call placed from a McDonald's payphone early this morning.

The elderly victim was pronounced dead—and tasty—at the scene of the crime.

James Ginn, the first responding EMT, told reporters, "We handled a cupcake war a few days ago. A frozen armadillo yesterday. We were pretty much expecting this."

[weltschmerz]

It couldn't have happened in Quebec. We consider ketchup to be an abomination.

[weltschmerz]

We're more likely to pelt someone to death with Grey Poupon or Aioli sauce.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

The next headline will probably be "Count Chocula - The Cereal Killer?"

[chiver78]

Oct 20, 2011 21:21:50 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

It couldn't have happened in Quebec. We consider ketchup to be an abomination.

I knew y'all weren't really Canadian!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Quebec is a country locked within a country (at least to the Quebecois).

[jan]

WTH were they thinking?

[mmhmm]

Good grief! Lock up your Fruit Loops! This may go viral!

[weltschmerz]

Personally, I don't care for ketchup. It ruins perfectly good food. Sometimes I buy a bottle to use as base for home made BBQ sauce, but then it sits there for a couple of years, until the bottle swells up.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Weltz: You do realize Virgil's post was strictly satirical don't you? It's playing on the titles of previous threads.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

"Along with the condiments, officers also found traces of cupcake crumbs and a half eaten armadillo leg".

[Virgil Showlion]

They have links to other articles at the bottom.

"Crisis Averted in Virginia? (Richmond, VA)   As Americans arm themselves with increasingly benign objects to bludgeon their loved ones, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell has tabled legislation to outlaw the sale of wiffle balls in his state. Experts proposed the ban in a letter sent to McDonnell earlier this week, stating that the use of wiffle balls in the next wave of violent attacks is "extremely likely". Also included in the legislation is a proposal to study the threat of bodily harm posed by empty orange juice cartons, Milk Bones, and headphones with cords longer than three feet.

..."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

"Undercover officers also made a major bust at a Seniors Home in Sarasota, Florida which had been under months of surveillance. A large cache of Crackberries was discovered after a thorough search of the premises."

[Virgil Showlion]

Silly rabbit. You can't bludgeon people to death with crackberries. The physics are all wrong.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

It was a bust, silly - not a murder - those Crackberries are a highly addictive substance - and who knows what kind of kinky things those seniors would be doing when on a sugar high. ;D

[weltschmerz]

Oct 20, 2011 23:18:02 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

"Undercover officers also made a major bust at a Seniors Home in Sarasota, Florida which had been under months of surveillance. A large cache of Crackberries was discovered after a thorough search of the premises."

Did they find any hookers?

[TD2K]

Silly rabbit. You can't bludgeon people to death with crackberries. The physics are all wrong.

No, no, no, no, you shove them up their noses and suffocate them.

[Virgil Showlion]

Iggy finds us funny, at least.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Did they find any hookers?

No, but one of the residents being questioned was laptopless. ;D

[rovo]

Oct 20, 2011 23:36:51 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

Iggy finds us funny, at least.

Maybe so, but others find you disturbed. ;D

[Virgil Showlion]

Maybe so, but others find you disturbed.

...says the guy wearing a bright purple cloak.

[rovo]

Do you really want to move on to avatars? ;D

[Virgil Showlion]

...no.

I... I'll be quiet.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Mod Fight !! Does this mean I'm the designated referee? ;D

[Sammy]

If its a mod fight only mods can participate. I paid good money for these ring side seats so everyone sit down!

[Virgil Showlion]

<picks up the mic>

How are y'all doing ladies and gentlemen? Having a good night? <cheers, applause> Awright, that's the spirit. We're all having a good night. And you know why? Because life is funny. It's funny sometimes, folks, lemme tell you.

The other day I'm hangin' out with my friend rovo down on 8th. The guy's got a Toucan Sam fashion thing going but... <laughter> ...yeah... yeah, really he does. And I see this drop dead gorgeous chick that... you know, rovo's over reading the nutrition guide on some chilly dog stand somewhere but he'd wanna know. <laughter> He'd wanna know, right?

So I call out, "Rovo, come here." I'm thinkin' of this chick, right. Not thinkin' too much about what I'm sayin'.

Well I swear, in the next twenty seconds I got a poodle, a... golden retriever <laughter>, a couple of those ugly little rat dogs... <roaring laughter>

Lemme tell ya, folks, don't do that in public. Don't call my man rovo in public. 'Cause life is funny, a'ight?

[rovo]

Don't you people ever sleep?

[NoNamePerson]

Oct 21, 2011 1:36:07 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

<picks up the mic>

How are y'all doing ladies and gentlemen? Having a good night? <cheers, applause> Awright, that's the spirit. We're all having a good night. And you know why? Because life is funny. It's funny sometimes, folks, lemme tell you.

The other day I'm hangin' out with my friend rovo down on 8th. The guy's got a Toucan Sam fashion thing going but... <laughter> ...yeah... yeah, really he does. And I see this drop dead gorgeous chick that... you know, rovo's over reading the nutrition guide on some chilly dog stand somewhere but he'd wanna know. <laughter> He'd wanna know, right?

So I call out, "Rovo, come here." I'm thinkin' of this chick, right. Not thinkin' too much about what I'm sayin'.

Well I swear, in the next twenty seconds I got a poodle, a... golden retriever <laughter>, a couple of those ugly little rat dogs... <roaring laughter>Lemme tell ya, folks, don't do that in public. Don't call my man rovo in public. 'Cause life is funny, a'ight?

Was enjoying your post until you called out those ugly little rat dogs. I have one and his name is Chupacabra. Mean little devil

Oh back to OP. If this senior was pelted by Ketchup at McD's - wait I don't do McD's. Pelted with cupcakes - I would just grab a few and be on my way.

Hit me with a frozen Armadillo and I might hit back with a Glock

[whiskmav]

Hookers? Did someone say, "Hookers"?

Whiskmav
~Anticipating

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Oct 21, 2011 9:56:15 GMT -5 whiskmav said:

Hookers? Did someone say, "Hookers"?

Whiskmav
~Anticipating

Hookers with chains: ;D