Jokes

[tigerpause]

Mar 6, 2014 1:24:40 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

heh heh... 

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

I dunno which is funnier/more annoying... looking at him or listening to him. He sounds like a castrated hyena doing a Jerry Lewis impersonation.

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 6, 2014 1:22:36 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

I love cheech and chong!!!

[uncle23]

....



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

[Deleted]

Crazy funny.. 

[uncle23]

...



Some seniors are so thoughtful and creative!!


Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I
didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool
and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her
favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to
the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to
teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old,
and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed
a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to
do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and
said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but
sometimes it can be fun

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

LOL, Uncle - your "Senior" jokes crack me up.

Now if only this was a reality:

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

Mar 7, 2014 1:14:51 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

LOL, Uncle - your "Senior" jokes crack me up.

Now if only this was a reality:

That... or if the "Swiffer" dusting wand made Light Saber noises...




EFT

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[tigerpause]

Students Interpret Science & Health
The following are interpretations of nature from junior high, high school and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).


When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five—a, e, i, o, and u.

The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2014 6:01:28 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Students Interpret Science & Health
The following are interpretations of nature from junior high, high school and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).


When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five—a, e, i, o, and u.

The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Technically speaking... two of them were correct (assuming the typo on "Artifical" was an actual typo in the original submission).

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

and

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Because, it's not natural for a FARMER to put the bull semen into the cow... the "natural way" is for a BULL to do that. So if "does it" is shorthand for "inserts bull semen"... then perfectly correct.

And

Artificial respiration usually is pointless if the patient dies... so it usually is stopped. It's kind of pointless to continue to apply it to a dead person.


Very funny though! LOL

[CarolinaKat]

Mar 9, 2014 6:01:28 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Students Interpret Science & Health
The following are interpretations of nature from junior high, high school and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).


When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five—a, e, i, o, and u.

The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Things like this make me want to kill people. These would be 100% cute if it was from preschool/gradeschool kids. But if you're in Jr. High and saying this stuff, I want to kick you. I don't deal well with stupid people.

[Deleted]

[Jaguar]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I'll translate/explain this - if anyone needs it:

[Jaguar]

ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ

It's the can that screws me up. I get obiwannbe ?

[toomuchreality]

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA

Those of you in "our" age group will really appreciate this. The rest of you will soon understand what we are laughing about...

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have a half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine or twelve.' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me
put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they
keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me. 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind. I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK.' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied. 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door opener. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy.' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied. 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...
=======================

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask. "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night !



No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally .."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - ninety thousand pounds!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"


TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE




And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[toomuchreality]

Mar 11, 2014 22:29:26 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ

It's the can that screws me up. I get obiwannbe ?

Oh-bee-wand-can-oh-bee

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

This one's soooo true:

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Do You Fart in Bed ?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.

[Deleted]

EEEEWwwwww



Funny... but... EEEEWwwwwww

[uncle23]

....


S-L......!!!

[ken a.k.a OMK]

   but funny.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[MarleyKeezy78]