tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 11, 2020 17:50:15 GMT -5
That'll warm the ol' cockles..
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Sept 11, 2020 19:49:42 GMT -5
A Year Ago
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about a year later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about a year ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 15, 2020 16:25:17 GMT -5
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. I usually do a turkey, but hey, if it’ll make em happy, whatever...
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NoNamePerson
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Sept 15, 2020 16:28:36 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 15, 2020 16:28:36 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 16, 2020 19:44:54 GMT -5
Reminds me a little of this board sometimes too!! Shhhhhh I didn't say that out loud did I?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'. Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'. 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 249 to post meme's and gif's (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”) 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 16 to post 'Following' but there are 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to. 3 to say "can't share" 2 to reply "can't share from a closed group" 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. 7 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money. 19 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them. 5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see!" and use their own light bulbs. 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 17, 2020 12:51:11 GMT -5
Wow! That really DOES sound familiar! Bwaahaha 🤣🤣🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 19, 2020 13:40:40 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Sept 25, 2020 20:12:04 GMT -5
The Operation
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 26, 2020 11:59:56 GMT -5
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gambler
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Post by gambler on Sept 28, 2020 20:25:49 GMT -5
Getting to know each other.
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible."
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 2, 2020 20:09:22 GMT -5
My 10-year-old self (and so did my 69-year-old self) laughed at this.
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gambler
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Oct 3, 2020 18:54:08 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Oct 3, 2020 18:54:08 GMT -5
Golfing
Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured "sure, why not," as they haven't played with anyone else in quite some time. So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously. The stranger said "No really, I'm hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don't believe me, I've never been dishonest." So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?" "Sure," said the stranger. So the man looked around for a second and said "HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too! And he's in my room!" This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He's looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, "Just hold on a minute... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
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skeeter
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Oct 3, 2020 20:52:18 GMT -5
Post by skeeter on Oct 3, 2020 20:52:18 GMT -5
Golfing Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured "sure, why not," as they haven't played with anyone else in quite some time. So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously. The stranger said "No really, I'm hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don't believe me, I've never been dishonest." So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?" "Sure," said the stranger. So the man looked around for a second and said "HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too! And he's in my room!" This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He's looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, "Just hold on a minute... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 4, 2020 12:04:46 GMT -5
A very, very, old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly became aware of the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
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Tennesseer
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Oct 4, 2020 12:25:42 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 4, 2020 12:25:42 GMT -5
Brutal!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 4, 2020 12:33:45 GMT -5
I know. I actually hung my head in shame as I posted!!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 4, 2020 12:55:28 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Oct 4, 2020 19:58:18 GMT -5
They're all so good! Hahaha 🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 14, 2020 7:32:47 GMT -5
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
“All right, Get in"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 20, 2020 21:07:18 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 20, 2020 21:08:58 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 20, 2020 21:10:52 GMT -5
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
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NoNamePerson
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Oct 21, 2020 6:36:10 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 21, 2020 6:36:10 GMT -5
You do realize how true that is for some!! I have friends who are guilty of this
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 21, 2020 21:26:48 GMT -5
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
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Opti
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Oct 22, 2020 11:23:38 GMT -5
Post by Opti on Oct 22, 2020 11:23:38 GMT -5
I've only watched a small part of the video and I am not familiar with the comic, however I loved the first 2+ minutes comparing the complexity of women's daily lives compared to men
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NoNamePerson
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Oct 22, 2020 12:19:11 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 22, 2020 12:19:11 GMT -5
I've only watched a small part of the video and I am not familiar with the comic, however I loved the first 2+ minutes comparing the complexity of women's daily lives compared to men That is hysterical! Thanks for posting. I watched half will catch rest later.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Oct 24, 2020 10:35:45 GMT -5
in the Phone book
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil.
"Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."
Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"
"Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."
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NoNamePerson
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Oct 26, 2020 6:58:17 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 26, 2020 6:58:17 GMT -5
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint when a lizard walks past. Looking up, the lizard asks, "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come on up and join me."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and the two share a second joint... After a short while, the lizard comments that his mouth is dry from the smoke and that he's going to go get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that while trying to lean far out over the bank, he loses his balance and topples into the river. A passing crocodile sees this, and swims over to the stoned lizard and helps him back up onto the bank.
He asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the croc that he was sitting in a tree with a monkey, smoking a joint when his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that when he leaned over the riverbank, he fell in.
The inquisitive croc says he has to check this out for himself, so he ambles off into the jungle in search of the tree with a monkey in it, finishing yet another joint.
When he finds it he calls out, "Hey you, Monkey !!!"
The monkey looks down and exclaims, "Damn Dude! How much water did you drink?"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Oct 27, 2020 10:01:44 GMT -5
Last Child Support Payment
Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those....damn payments. So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and tell her this is the last damn check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to tell me the expression on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the b*tch had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "now what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy....."
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sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Nov 1, 2020 21:02:15 GMT -5
Sorry, but I need to vent.
I experienced the WORST customer service today. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed with this matter.
Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back and the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I was getting upset over this kid's attitude and the way he was handling me (THE CUSTOMER). Five minutes later, a manager came out from the back. I explained to the manager that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me, to my face, that I was "OUT OF LUCK." They would not be issuing me a refund. No FREE replacement. Argh! Ugh! I'll tell you what ... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from that store. Anyway ... Take Care!
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