Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 4, 2020 13:21:53 GMT -5
(A man comes in, picks up a few snacks, and goes to check out. He also mentions he’s a priest.) Priest: “Would you give me a 15% discount because I’m a man of the Lord?” Me: “Is the Lord a fan of extortion?” (Awkward silence.) notalwaysright.com/tag/religion/page/33/
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Opti
Community Leader
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Post by Opti on Jun 4, 2020 15:10:07 GMT -5
Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.” Me: “What denomination?” Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.” notalwaysright.com/tag/religion/page/53/
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 5, 2020 16:30:03 GMT -5
Where is My Present?
A woman is leaving to go to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good , thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it is a girl!!!'
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 5, 2020 16:37:57 GMT -5
Married Bliss
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, but decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jun 5, 2020 17:33:54 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 5, 2020 17:33:54 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Jun 5, 2020 19:48:17 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Jun 5, 2020 19:48:17 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 6, 2020 22:31:37 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 7, 2020 10:27:40 GMT -5
Letter to Men's Helpline
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jun 8, 2020 14:31:40 GMT -5
Trophy husband
Several men are inside a bar. A cell phone on the pool table rings. and a man who had been inspecting a cue stick grabs it and engages the hands-free speaker function. He begins to talk. Everyone else in the bar stops to listen. Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the bar?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." Man: "How much?" Woman: "$80,000." Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the bar are looking at him in astonishment. T he smiles and tosses the phone into the bar. He asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 10, 2020 10:35:48 GMT -5
The Juggler
A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Two Irishmen in a passing car witnessed this spectacle. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. We're going to need a designated driver tonight!! Look at the test they're giving now!!"
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Opti
Community Leader
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Post by Opti on Jun 12, 2020 23:23:26 GMT -5
Another story good enough to be a joke. I work at the front desk of a grocery store and we have a lottery machine. On a hot August day, I am printing a woman’s tickets. She reaches into the neckline of her mumu and pulls out a wad of cash glistening with “boob sweat.” She puts the money on the counter and I take the eraser end of a pencil and slide the damp bills onto a paper towel. Customer: “There’s nothing wrong with that money.” Me: “Would it be okay if I gave you your lottery tickets after I shoved them down my pants?” notalwaysright.com/all/page/3/
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 13, 2020 21:09:36 GMT -5
Another story good enough to be a joke. I work at the front desk of a grocery store and we have a lottery machine. On a hot August day, I am printing a woman’s tickets. She reaches into the neckline of her mumu and pulls out a wad of cash glistening with “boob sweat.” She puts the money on the counter and I take the eraser end of a pencil and slide the damp bills onto a paper towel. Customer: “There’s nothing wrong with that money.” Me: “Would it be okay if I gave you your lottery tickets after I shoved them down my pants?” notalwaysright.com/all/page/3/Ewww! On both accounts. 🤢
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 14, 2020 21:42:23 GMT -5
General
A retired 4 star general is drinking in a pub when he runs across his longtime orderly,also retired. After catching up,the general tries to convince his old orderly to come work for him in retirement. “ You won’t have to do anything you didn’t do for me in the army.” And so the orderly goes to work for the general. The first day,precisely at 8 o’clock,the orderly knocks gently on the general’s bedroom door, goes in,opens the drapes,and shakes the general gently awake. Then he walks to the other side of the bed,slaps the general’s wife hard on the ass,and says” Ok,babe! It’s back to the whorehouse for you!”
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Tennesseer
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Jun 14, 2020 22:32:39 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Jun 14, 2020 22:32:39 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 15, 2020 12:00:30 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Jun 16, 2020 14:53:59 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Jun 16, 2020 14:53:59 GMT -5
Texas Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 17, 2020 17:44:11 GMT -5
Romantic Dinner
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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Opti
Community Leader
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Post by Opti on Jun 18, 2020 9:38:20 GMT -5
An elderly woman walks onto the lot from and begins asking me about a car.) Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I help you with today?” Customer: “What can you tell me about this red car?” Me: “This is a 1999 Volvo V70.” Customer: “A Vulva! My grand-daughter has a vulva! Her boyfriend said he absolutely loves it!” (I unsuccessfully try to keep a straight face.) Me: “I’m sure he does, ma’am.” notalwaysright.com/popular/page/3/
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 18, 2020 19:52:31 GMT -5
Golf Nut
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 21, 2020 16:54:22 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Jun 24, 2020 17:17:14 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Jun 24, 2020 17:17:14 GMT -5
The Complaining Wife
An older couple and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jun 24, 2020 22:45:05 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Jun 24, 2020 22:45:05 GMT -5
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
---------
Yikes! 😳😳😳
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 25, 2020 8:35:07 GMT -5
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Jun 26, 2020 0:58:51 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 26, 2020 0:58:51 GMT -5
🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 26, 2020 20:17:37 GMT -5
One cent
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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Tennesseer
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Jun 28, 2020 16:27:23 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Jun 28, 2020 16:27:23 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 29, 2020 7:36:25 GMT -5
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie - we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right - the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words.
(had to laugh at this one since it is so true. back in dark ages went with son to talk to person at 2 year college about financial aid. Did the paper work (hey, this was in the mid 80's) and I can't remember but think it was some kind of grant - Pell maybe? Finally the lady said "what about Mr. NNP? I said he is not longer with us. She said she was sorry and we left. Son pokes me when once we are outside and said she thinks dad is dead. I said I didn't say that - she just assumed it. He was no longer with us - we were divorced)
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 29, 2020 15:17:22 GMT -5
Be My Valentine A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?"' "But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 29, 2020 16:22:30 GMT -5
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie - we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right - the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words.
(had to laugh at this one since it is so true. back in dark ages went with son to talk to person at 2 year college about financial aid. Did the paper work (hey, this was in the mid 80's) and I can't remember but think it was some kind of grant - Pell maybe? Finally the lady said "what about Mr. NNP? I said he is not longer with us. She said she was sorry and we left. Son pokes me when once we are outside and said she thinks dad is dead. I said I didn't say that - she just assumed it. He was no longer with us - we were divorced)
Hahaha I have done this too!
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Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
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Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
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Post by Opti on Jul 4, 2020 15:49:48 GMT -5
The weekend leading up to July 4th is always interesting. We sell farm supplies, but since we’re the only game in town open on the holiday weekend, we get a lot of unrelated requests from campers, boaters, or people leaving on vacation that planned poorly and didn’t get what they needed ahead of time from a sporting goods retailer. Today I approached a couple on our sales floor and had this exchange Me: “Hello, folks. How are you today?” Customer: “Yeah, where did you guys hide your life jackets?” Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry life jackets.” Customer: “Wait, what? You don’t carry…” *puts his hand over his face in exasperation and sighs deeply through it* “You. Don’t. Carry. Lifejackets?” Me: *a bit apprehensively* “No, I’m sorry, we don’t carry boating supplies.” Customer: *turns to wife* “What are we gonna do now? Seriously, what the f*** are we going to do?” *she doesn’t respond and they both turn to glare at me* Me: “Might I suggest [Boat Dealer four miles from here]? I think they’re open today.” Customer: *yelling* “Well, that doesn’t do me a whole lotta f****** good standing here, now does it? We’re not headed in that direction! We’ve got friends coming over in two hours to watch fireworks on the boat. This is going to ruin the whole evening! Just how is it you people—” *he spat out “you people” with a look someone getting a surprise mouthful of dog s*** might wear* “—get away with not having what the customer needs?” Me: “Maybe because we’ve never heard of a farmer falling off his tractor and drowning in the dirt?” notalwaysright.com/drowning-bad-customers/91024/
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