gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 4, 2020 15:55:28 GMT -5
After Life
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 5, 2020 17:39:51 GMT -5
Billing Hours
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 95."
Said I was not going to post so many jokes but could not pass on this one. I need to get out of mountains I guess board off ass
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 5, 2020 18:33:49 GMT -5
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.
Now, I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on Jul 5, 2020 19:00:24 GMT -5
Said I was not going to post so many jokes but could not pass on this one. I need to get out of mountains I guess board off ass Please Please Please post as many jokes as you want. I enjoy every one of them!
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toomuchreality
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Jul 5, 2020 21:18:59 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 5, 2020 21:18:59 GMT -5
Said I was not going to post so many jokes but could not pass on this one. I need to get out of mountains I guess board off ass Please Please Please post as many jokes as you want. I enjoy every one of them! Me too! 😁
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 6, 2020 19:20:12 GMT -5
Please Please Please post as many jokes as you want. I enjoy every one of them! Me too! 😁 We need all the humor we can muster up these days
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 8, 2020 13:21:49 GMT -5
Irish
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage . . . . . . directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby, look!" Said Pat removing his cap, "One o' the poor girls musta died!"
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Opti
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Jul 11, 2020 17:37:10 GMT -5
Post by Opti on Jul 11, 2020 17:37:10 GMT -5
I’m a grad student. We’re researching injury prevention, and we’re assessing a list of patients that we may include in our study based on the manner of injury. Study Lead: “Okay, everyone, we really need to be precise here. If you look at line 156, someone just wrote ‘bat’ as the cause of injury. Were they bitten by a flying rodent or hit by a baseball implement?” Grad Student #1: “Well… comments say, ‘Bruising,’ so I’m guessing baseball.” Grad Student #2: “Oh! That was me. The patient was hit by a thrown battery.” Study Lead: “Clarity, people! Okay, next line, I see a cause of injury listed as ‘axe.’ [Grad Student #2], if someone was hit in the head with a can of body spray, I’m enrolling you in the study.” Grad Student #2: “But I haven’t been injured by anything.” Study Lead: “Not yet!” notalwaysright.com/all/
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 13, 2020 16:40:05 GMT -5
Three Wishes
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.
The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 13, 2020 18:52:40 GMT -5
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington replies, "I'll tell him."
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 15, 2020 17:24:49 GMT -5
My late uncle could be the soul of kindness where his nieces and nephews were concerned… but he could also be the most irritating man on the planet. He was a security guard at the university I attended and was often stationed in the library at the front door, checking book bags, usually with a male student who was part of the on-campus student patrol. Whenever I came through the line, Uncle Irritating would announce, “Oh, this one looks like trouble; better go through everything.” And he and the student would gleefully remove all my stuff from my pocketbook and my bookbag. One day, after he had made me late for a class, I decided that was it. The next time I heard him say he would be at the library, I fixed up a bag and headed to the library after a class. When I made to leave, my uncle announced that I was a dangerous thief and he and the male student started opening up my bookbag and pocketbook. Maybe it wasn’t the best revenge, but they had to remove lots and lots and lots of individual sanitary napkins and tampons in order to get to anything important. The student guard was turning bright red and my uncle was truly peeved. They stuffed everything back in and returned it to me. “Are we done?” I asked. My uncle smiled sweetly. We never mentioned it to the family. Ever after, I was able to go through the book check line without being treated as a subject in a Candid Camera episode. notalwaysright.com/all/page/3/
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 17, 2020 6:51:25 GMT -5
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 20, 2020 2:41:58 GMT -5
WARNING: BAD JOKE AHEAD
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 20, 2020 10:47:36 GMT -5
WARNING: BAD JOKE AHEAD What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! There are no bad jokes
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 21, 2020 10:25:37 GMT -5
The Queen's Breasts
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 100 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 25, 2020 15:10:03 GMT -5
On the sixth day, God turned to
the archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??" "Not really," replied God, "Wait until you see who I'm giving them for neighbors."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 25, 2020 16:07:15 GMT -5
On the sixth day, God turned to the archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??" "Not really," replied God, "Wait until you see who I'm giving them for neighbors." Your joke made me wonder how non-heavenly beings decided to name the area Canada so I looked it up. As the area grew so did the name Canada.
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on Jul 25, 2020 23:10:51 GMT -5
Your joke made me wonder how non-heavenly beings decided to name the area Canada so I looked it up. As the area grew so did the name Canada. No, no, you must have gotten bad information. I've heard the "true" story. When the founding leaders were getting their independence from the crown they needed to come up with a name for the country. They decided to leave it to chance, putting all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulling them out one at a time to come up with a name. All the leaders agreed, so they pulled out the first letter, "C, eh" , then "N, eh" then "D, eh"
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Tennesseer
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Jul 25, 2020 23:28:50 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Jul 25, 2020 23:28:50 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 26, 2020 19:41:37 GMT -5
An Irish man went to confession
In St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’ This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 26, 2020 19:42:53 GMT -5
Back to mountains in am.
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toomuchreality
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Jul 26, 2020 21:03:51 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Jul 26, 2020 21:03:51 GMT -5
Be well and stay safe. Great jokes, as usual. 😁
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 27, 2020 20:30:57 GMT -5
chinese
A young Chinese couple, both of whom are waiters, get married. She's a virgin & truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Jul 28, 2020 10:19:58 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Jul 28, 2020 10:19:58 GMT -5
Southern Dialect
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 29, 2020 12:45:44 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 30, 2020 10:11:51 GMT -5
You Can't Please Everyone
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your ass goodbye.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 30, 2020 12:14:42 GMT -5
I am in a gift store Christmas shopping and find the perfect T-shirt for my son. It has a picture of a TV remote control on the front and says, “It’s a man thing!” Me: *To a saleswoman* “I’d like one of these in an extra-large.” The saleswoman calls across the busy store to a stock boy. Saleswoman: “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!” A woman behind me in line speaks up. Woman: “Don’t we all?” notalwaysright.com/page/3/
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 30, 2020 20:36:26 GMT -5
I actually know a couple with that name. He's one of those guys that always seems jovial and quick witted. I'm sure they are very tired of teasing.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 31, 2020 12:13:16 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 2, 2020 17:23:42 GMT -5
Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
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