tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 19, 2020 7:12:42 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 19, 2020 7:13:35 GMT -5
so true!
ETA: This was for the men's bathroom joke.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 19, 2020 7:20:25 GMT -5
If they could spare a square in the men's washroom I wouldn't take it
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 20, 2020 9:57:22 GMT -5
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 22, 2020 15:39:49 GMT -5
Anniversary
Who said men don't remember anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee,
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 22, 2020 23:53:00 GMT -5
Anniversary Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today." 😳😳😳 Ha! Not what I expected. 😁
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2020 16:10:46 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Apr 24, 2020 16:10:46 GMT -5
Lettuce
A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice."
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 25, 2020 7:03:33 GMT -5
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 25, 2020 7:17:23 GMT -5
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 28, 2020 20:46:36 GMT -5
60 Years of Marriage
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2020 23:53:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Apr 28, 2020 23:53:27 GMT -5
🤣🤣🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 30, 2020 11:45:10 GMT -5
Truth Be Told
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 30, 2020 15:29:52 GMT -5
May be a repeat but here goes:
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 2, 2020 20:01:42 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 3, 2020 21:06:55 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 7, 2020 12:45:58 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 8, 2020 17:19:17 GMT -5
found a note on the fridge from the wife
it said this isn't working, I'm going to my mothers. opened the fridge door --light came on--beer was ice cold. don't know what shes talking about, it's working
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 9, 2020 12:29:44 GMT -5
Hardware Store
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 10, 2020 7:27:43 GMT -5
Hardware Store Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store. So good! Hahaha 🤣🤣🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 10, 2020 13:58:25 GMT -5
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Indiana. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I was still lost 🙄…. “
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 10, 2020 19:00:20 GMT -5
As He Requested
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on May 10, 2020 19:25:11 GMT -5
Hardware Store Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store. Ok, so I grew up on a farm. Mom would often have to go to the farm implement store to pick up a part. She would have the parts book with her and still the "guys" would give her shit. lol. She knew it and gave it right back to them.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 11, 2020 11:07:11 GMT -5
UPS
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” Bob explained “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” Bob replied ”It’s probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times”…
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NoNamePerson
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Jokes
May 11, 2020 13:23:46 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on May 11, 2020 13:23:46 GMT -5
The song Telephone Man immediately popped into mind!
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
May 12, 2020 13:42:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on May 12, 2020 13:42:04 GMT -5
UPS One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?” The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” Bob explained “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” Bob replied ”It’s probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times”… So good
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 12, 2020 14:19:08 GMT -5
Sex
I couldn't help but overhear
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day. I just don't know what to do."
An older fellow sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to it.".
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 12, 2020 14:21:46 GMT -5
I decided to stay in the woods until some time in june. The shine is good and the fish are bitin, so you all are stuck with my jokes for a few more week
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NoNamePerson
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May 12, 2020 17:13:04 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on May 12, 2020 17:13:04 GMT -5
I decided to stay in the woods until some time in june. The shine is good and the fish are bitin, so you all are stuck with my jokes for a few more week Is that sun shine or moon shines?? Just wondering Oh and what kind of fish. Want to share?
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Jokes
May 13, 2020 10:19:12 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 13, 2020 10:19:12 GMT -5
Burglar
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:
“STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:
“Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 13, 2020 10:20:14 GMT -5
Moon. Pam and crappie
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