tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 20, 2016 16:49:26 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jan 21, 2016 10:15:42 GMT -5
Men are like panty hose.
They run.
Or they cling.
Or they don't fit right in the crotch.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 22, 2016 1:07:19 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2016 21:50:51 GMT -5
Subject: Southern Divorce...
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 27, 2016 17:18:12 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2016 14:00:30 GMT -5
Sad, But As I Get Older,
I Think Differently
After a long day on the golf course,
I stopped in at Hooter's
to see some friends and have
some Hot Wings and iced tea.
After being there for a while,
one of my friends
asked me which waitress
I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them
"The one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, I'm tired,
and I need to use the bathroom a lot."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 31, 2016 0:30:45 GMT -5
Why do they bury lawyers 12ft. down instead of 6ft. under?
Because deep down lawyers really are nice people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2016 0:58:25 GMT -5
Q: Why won't sharks or rats eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 31, 2016 1:11:37 GMT -5
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2016 3:23:40 GMT -5
Q: Can you say three lawyer jokes in a row?
A: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama
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billisonboard
Community Leader
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Post by billisonboard on Jan 31, 2016 12:37:10 GMT -5
Q: Can you say three lawyer jokes in a row? A: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama It could be Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton but they wouldn't be exactly in a row.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 31, 2016 21:12:18 GMT -5
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 2, 2016 16:46:38 GMT -5
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uncle23
Well-Known Member
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Post by uncle23 on Feb 5, 2016 12:10:59 GMT -5
. First the Apple
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 7, 2016 23:46:47 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 11, 2016 10:22:32 GMT -5
I hate it when I am buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 12, 2016 15:26:46 GMT -5
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 13, 2016 4:20:37 GMT -5
That's one way to store those dreaded cable cords.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 13, 2016 4:24:44 GMT -5
I hope he didn't pay for next day delivery.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 13, 2016 4:34:41 GMT -5
This must be one of those Jacqueline Russell terriers.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 13, 2016 17:28:00 GMT -5
Donald Trump wants to outlaw grated cheese. He wants to make America grate again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2016 23:51:29 GMT -5
A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.......
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock......
The guy leaned over and whispered,
"I study Management, and I know how to screw people.........."
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 14, 2016 9:38:53 GMT -5
Donald Trump wants to outlaw grated cheese. He wants to make America grate again. This is just awful!
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 14, 2016 13:35:43 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 17, 2016 11:13:32 GMT -5
I asked my H what he was doing in the wardrobe.
His reply was Narnia business.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 13:03:53 GMT -5
OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend Everybody !
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Afro-Americans on Star Trek?
A . Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell,'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can , run, jump or swim are already in the United States
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Feb 19, 2016 7:05:21 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Feb 19, 2016 7:05:21 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 21, 2016 17:38:33 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 22, 2016 16:45:12 GMT -5
Who Gives This Woman? An Arkansas Farmer!! A video of a father giving his tractor-driving and tobacco-chewing daughter away in marriage. www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0Left me laughing and crying all at the same time. If I were that preacher, I would keep my remarks minimal as that father said it all.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 22, 2016 19:21:41 GMT -5
Cops came to my door and asked me where I was between 5:00 and 6:00. Apparently Kindergarten is not the correct answer.
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