What to do when reason is not on the same page as

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

They take a lot of effort, patience and can cause major strain on a marriage, even a marriage where you were on the same page about everything before kids (us). IMO, they are totally worth it but both people should agree that "now is the time". Now doesn't mean everything is perfect financially, work-wise, the right season of the year or whatever, "now" is just when both of you say it is ok to pull the goalie.

[zibazinski]

Good heavens, I come back from some errands to find out I am advocating genocide. I thought we had been discussing grief and I merely commented that grief can be mixed with relief. I "accepted" what happened to me, not that I had much choice, doesn't mean I didn't feel some loss. If my way of coping was to rationalize it and that offends someone, sorry about that.

[muttleynfelix]

Yogiiii - I always feel like such a wimp when you post because I know you must have had it like 1000X worse than me. DS (fortunately) wasn't collicky... just didn't want to sleep. UGH! Plus DS is a charmer and he'll put on a good face for other people, just not mom and dad. Saturday he hadn't smiled once all morning. In fact he pretty much cried from the moment he got up until we left for church for VBS. We walk into the church and he starts smiling! The little shit! Smile for your MOTHER DANG IT. I don't think people really realized when he was younger how much his temperment wore us out ... of course they do now because DS will start doing laps around the church, around Lowes, around Walmart (if we let him down), and around the Library.

[yogiii]

Jul 11, 2011 11:36:18 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Yogiiii - I always feel like such a wimp when you post because I know you must have had it like 1000X worse than me. DS (fortunately) wasn't collicky... just didn't want to sleep. UGH! Plus DS is a charmer and he'll put on a good face for other people, just not mom and dad. Saturday he hadn't smiled once all morning. In fact he pretty much cried from the moment he got up until we left for church for VBS. We walk into the church and he starts smiling! The little shit! Smile for your MOTHER DANG IT. I don't think people really realized when he was younger how much his temperment wore us out ... of course they do now because DS will start doing laps around the church, around Lowes, around Walmart (if we let him down), and around the Library.

You shouldn't feel that way at all. Difficult babies are difficult, yes some more than others but they still don't compare to an easy baby.

Thankfully, DS is like a totally different kid now and quite the little ham/charmer. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he's a little devil too, but it is so nice to see him smile all the time. I used to read stuff online where people would post how their colicky kid is now so happy and I used to think ..pppp yeah right, that won't happen. It is exactly what happened.

[Firebird]

Good heavens, I come back from some errands to find out I am advocating genocide. I thought we had been discussing grief and I merely commented that grief can be mixed with relief. I "accepted" what happened to me, not that I had much choice, doesn't mean I didn't feel some loss. If my way of coping was to rationalize it and that offends someone, sorry about that.

I didn't say you were advocating genocide, and I already admitted that I reacted badly to your comment. I think I read something into it that you didn't intend, and I apologize for that. But please don't put words in my mouth.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I'm just catching up here. Since Mrs. C has ALREADY agreed to wait (and convinced HERSELF to do so) then cawiau has a bit more time and needs to plan out how he is going to handle this as it continues to come up.

...:::"I wanted to talk about it because it was the second time she mention it in one week and both time it was before & during sex.":::...

Good gravy, you get sex twice in the same week!

The point has been made a few times about setting a concrete milestone and using her desire to achieve it faster. If you agree that you will start trying "when the CCs and cars are paid in full" then that is win/win and SHE has to pay up front

Make her carry a picture of all her nieces and nephews near her CCs so when she is shopping, she'll see the picture and suddenly that new purse that is exactly the same as the 12 others she has won't seem as attractive.

...:::"So maybe you aren't in quite a hurry to pay down debt and have kids as we're led to believe? I'm not saying you shouldn't have a vacation, but...":::...

This has been a subject of previous threads too. Cawiau has said they know they could be debt free in half the time if they cut out all lifestyle, but they don't want to. I can understand that, I feel the same way.

[swamp]

::Good gravy, you get sex twice in the same week!::

You are way too young to be living with the Church Lady.

[midjd]

;D Swamp... well isn't that special! And you know what she says about the naughty parts.

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 12:07:04 GMT -5 midjd said:

;D Swamp... well isn't that special! And you know what she says about the naughty parts.

They're the playthings of Satan?

[telephus44]

Zib, I just wanted to say that as the parent of a special needs child - I did not think your statement was offensive at all.

And on the "financial house in order before TTC" - here's my thoughts. Think of your finances as on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 is that you have no job, tons of debt, and are getting state or federal aid. 10 is that you and your loving spouse both have good jobs, live well below your means, no debt at all, have the house paid off, a 12 month EF, and half of the costs of tuition for Harvard saved up. You don't want to have kids if your finances are a 1, but they don't need to be a 10, either. 7 or 8 might be good enough.

When we first got the "baby fever" DH was unemployed (with no unemployment check), I was underpaid in a job I hated, and we had credit cards and student loans while living in an apartment. Yes, bad time to have a baby.

When we finally started TTC, I had a new better paying job, DH was employed. The CC's were paid off (although not the student loans). We had 5-6K in the bank in savings. We still had an apartment. Perfect? No. But "good enough" that we could responsibly handle a baby and all the costs (daycare, diapers, etc.) I was laid off for the first 6 months of his life, and we were in a good enough spot that all the bills still got paid and we managed to still save something.

[thyme4change]

We still had an apartment. Perfect?

I'm not sure why we have this notion that babies need a house. Babies are tiny, and they don't go anywhere. Once they are a little older it is nice to have a yard that they can play in. Our yard is fenced, so even when they were pretty young they could be out there for short periods of time alone (with the door wide open so I could hear them.) But, for the most part, they were only outside when I was outside, so the park was almost as easy (and more fun) than our backyard.

[swamp]

::I'm not sure why we have this notion that babies need a house::

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

Breastfeeding cancels all that out.

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 12:24:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

Breastfeeding cancels all that out.

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

[thyme4change]

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

Well - no problem, I did all of that for my babies. I'm just trying to look like I don't judge the huddled masses.

[swasat]

Jul 11, 2011 12:25:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 11, 2011 12:24:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

Breastfeeding cancels all that out.

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

swamp, you forgot cloth diapering and extreme couponing to buy those orgainc food items

Oh oh and suziq's favorite....you SUCK as a parent if you are a working mom. All women must have the calling to be a SAHM.

[Taxman10]

Jul 11, 2011 12:25:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 11, 2011 12:24:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

They need a house, and an SUV, and name brand new clothes, and all new everything, and organic homemade food. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

Breastfeeding cancels all that out.

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

18 mos?? slackers! you're supposed to to until Kindergarten :-)

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 12:29:02 GMT -5 swasat said:

Jul 11, 2011 12:25:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent.

swamp, you forgot cloth diapering and extreme couponing to buy those orgainc food items

Oh oh and suziq's favorite....you SUCK as a parent if you are a working mom. All women must have the calling to be a SAHM.

My bad. Add in the cloth diapers and extreme couponing. I suck.

You mean a SAHM mom for 18 months and then work PT in a lucrative field? That kind of SAHM?

[midjd]

One of my friends is a SAHM who literally does all that - extended breastfeeding, organic homemade food, cloth diapering, etc. - and still feels like a failure because her house isn't spotless and her kid has a few allergies.

The moral of the story - you guys ALL suck as parents. Even the ones who don't! .

[swasat]

Not for 18 months, for 18 years.....

They need you the most when they are in school and college silly......Thats the only way to get your kid into a good college.

I guess I suck. My kids are scarred for life because I send them to dyacare and I only bf'ed for 7 months, never used cloth diapers, no couponing, no fully organic food....

sigh...I am having my aha! moment today. My kids will hate me when they grow up.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent

::Hands over parenting card:: Oh well, I tried. I am counting down till next Saturday when she is a year old and I am going to stop pumping. What will I do with all my spare time!

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 12:35:19 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

What will I do with all my spare time!

Extreme couponing for organic food.

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 11, 2011 12:35:19 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Only if you do it for 18 months. Otherwise, you suck as a parent

::Hands over parenting card:: Oh well, I tried. I am counting down till next Saturday when she is a year old and I am going to stop pumping. What will I do with all my spare time!

Then they start running and you have to chase after them.

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 12:33:19 GMT -5 swasat said:

Not for 18 months, for 18 years.....

They need you the most when they are in school and college silly......Thats the only way to get your kid into a good college.

I guess I suck. My kids are scarred for life because I send them to dyacare and I only bf'ed for 7 months, never used cloth diapers, no couponing, no fully organic food....

sigh...I am having my aha! moment today. My kids will hate me when they grow up.

My kids eat poptarts and cheetos. They're doomed.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Then they start running and you have to chase after them.

Can I post about how frugal I am for using DD as a free exercise program?

[telephus44]

Yeah, I'm not sure why babies need a house, either. Honestly, when we were in our 2 bedroom apartment we didn't even give him the 2nd bedroom. We used it as the office and put the crib in the living room. There's my bad parenting move.

Oh, and I give him coffee. I even used to pour it into his sippy cup. Ironically, he likes it best with milk and no sugar.

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 11, 2011 12:39:48 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Then they start running and you have to chase after them.

Can I post about how frugal I am for using DD as a free exercise program?

That is what everyone at church is like oh you must get your exercise with DS and its like dude, I'm not home with him enough to get my exercise that way. DH on the other hand lost 20 pounds once DS started walking!

[thyme4change]

All women must have the calling to be a SAHM.

If you don't yearn to be a SAHM for two decades, you don't really want children.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And there is something wrong with men who want to be SAHDs. A

You could have knocked me over with a feather when DH was unemployed and not really looking and my dad said "it'd be different if he was a SAHP". My dad is more liberated than I thought.

[zibazinski]

Thank you, Telephus.