What to do when reason is not on the same page as

[Firebird]

And there is a difference between a fetus that could never have been viable and a child that has special needs.

Exactly. It's an important distinction. I'm not arguing that miscarriages are natural endings for babies who would never have survived anyway.

I would have had much less trouble with her statement had it not included the last sentence, which implied that "not viable = special needs" and therefore that nature ought to never let special needs babies be born.

And maybe I'm being too sensitive, because I agree that her statement is essentially true. It's just that I've pretty much had it with people saying that special needs children shouldn't be born. Like I said, it's a very common ableist rhetoric and it's incredibly hurtful. And that's what her statement implied to me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The people I know got their graduate degrees just fine, yes anything is doable but you have to be willing to make it work and . Has the OP's wife really thought that thru?

Obviously if the kid is here they would make it work (I hope), but she has the "fortune" to think it thru BEFORE she is pregnant.

Just because she wants a kid doesn't mean she's thought thru what being pregnant and having a baby is going to do to her finanically, school and potential job wise.

Again I know you make it work IF YOU WANT TO, but does the OP's wife really want to?

Like everyone has said it's totally different holding a cousin's baby and being able to give it back vs having one 24/7. She's seeing the cute result of the end of pregnancy. When you look at that and some of the books it's really easy to rationalize that you can do it all.

But most people can't. Something might have to give and she should really take the opportunity to think it thru while she has the luxury of it being hypothetical.

[runewell]

Jul 9, 2011 7:25:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

As for the trips, we are doing a road trip to Niagara falls in August and in September 6th-11 we are going to Mexico.

So maybe you aren't in quite a hurry to pay down debt and have kids as we're led to believe? I'm not saying you shouldn't have a vacation, but....

[Deleted]

I think you took it maybe further than it was intended... I did not feel she was saying that at all.

I also think its ok to say you don't think you would be equipped to handle the special needs of a severly handicapped child.

[midjd]

Like everyone has said it's totally different holding a cousin's baby and being able to give it back vs having one 24/7. She's seeing the cute result of the end of pregnancy. When you look at that and some of the books it's really easy to rationalize that you can do it all.

But most people can't. Something might have to give and she should really take the opportunity to think it thru while she has the luxury of it being hypothetical.

The fact that she is an only child doesn't help. (Don't kill me, Firebird!) NOT saying that only children don't have exposure to babies - many do - but there is definitely a difference between giving the kid back when it gets cranky vs. living with it 24/7. My mom had 2 babies within a year when I was 6-7 and I still haven't recovered enough to have kids of my own

If you can get access to a baby (preferably a cranky one) for a weekend, that might give you a slight idea of what it's going to take to raise one full-time.

Setting aside projected baby expenses in a separate account for a while is also a good idea - not only do you get a nice little lump of cash to spend on the baby, but you get used to the change in your budget.

[Deleted]

I agree with being aware of the sleepless nights as well as the cooing... but again, that ALSO isn't the 'real thing' ... cause you have a lot less patience for other peoples kids...

You can never prepare for everything. You can never be ready for it all....

[swamp]

::If you can get access to a baby (preferably a cranky one) for a weekend, that might give you a slight idea of what it's going to take to raise one full-time.::

I have an adorable 3 year old girl with an attitude and a penchant for temper tantrums she can borrow.............

[Deleted]

I do think its good to have so many months expenses set aside in case of necessary extended leave... other things come up... etc. Maybe that could be the... we'll start trying when.... when the baby fund reaches so many K.... (Of course, C has to be willing to give up Niagra... cause if i wanted a baby... then all the money would be going towards the baby fund from this point forward....)

[Firebird]

I think you took it maybe further than it was intended... I did not feel she was saying that at all.

I also think its ok to say you don't think you would be equipped to handle the special needs of a severly handicapped child.

You could be right, oped. I may have read something into the statement that zib didn't intend. I can admit that.

But it's easier than you think to get caught up in the mentality that only perfect children should be born. Every special needs parent I know has stories about encounters with people who make statements like "Wow, I bet you wish you'd had an abortion huh?" to their faces, and truly don't seem to comprehend how that could be offensive.

Special needs children get written off all the time. It's obviously a touchy subject for me, and I probably shouldn't have even posted. I just reacted badly to what zib said.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you can get access to a baby (preferably a cranky one) for a weekend, that might give you a slight idea of what it's going to take to raise one full-time

DD saves most of her temper tantrums for us. Everyone who babysits talks about what a "good baby" she is. Then we get her home. . .

She is a good baby overall, just 6 teeth have come in in under four months, DH and I could REALLY use a breather between the next ones.

I don't think you can prepare for everything, but if in one breath you are saving you have to save for a baby and then in a couple months taking a trip to Mexico, there is a disconnect that probably should be addressed before having kids.

[Firebird]

The fact that she is an only child doesn't help. (Don't kill me, Firebird!) NOT saying that only children don't have exposure to babies - many do - but there is definitely a difference between giving the kid back when it gets cranky vs. living with it 24/7.

I'll let it slide this time ;D

No, in reality this is one of the reasons I think it's good for children to have siblings. It's not an absolute necessity - only children can and do turn out fine - but in general I do think it's preferable to have more than one child in a household growing up, for this and many reasons like it. (They don't necessarily need to be siblings.)

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I honestly don't remember much about my brother being a baby back in 1990. I remember he had Pylortic Stenoris and apparently it affected me more than I thought because I would flip every time DD had a major barf attack.

But other than that I really don't remember much about him being a baby. It's been 21 years now, so any thing I did get is probably out of date. Now if you want to talk about what not to do when DD is a young adult, I could write you a novel on that subject.

[midjd]

DQ, my brother was a baby in 1990 too... and he was also a barfer. My mom says "nobody likes it, but when it's your kid it's not quite as bad..." but I think she's lying. Hopefully DH will be able to handle it because I'm sure I'll scar the kid for life the first time it pukes and I run screaming from the room

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 11, 2011 10:20:30 GMT -5 Firebird said:

The fact that she is an only child doesn't help. (Don't kill me, Firebird!) NOT saying that only children don't have exposure to babies - many do - but there is definitely a difference between giving the kid back when it gets cranky vs. living with it 24/7.

I'll let it slide this time ;D

No, in reality this is one of the reasons I think it's good for children to have siblings. It's not an absolute necessity - only children can and do turn out fine - but in general I do think it's preferable to have more than one child in a household growing up, for this and many reasons like it. (They don't necessarily need to be siblings.)

It happens to youngest siblings too. By the time DH and I had DS, we had 6 nieces and one nephew ranging in age from 2 to 18. We figured we'd been around enough kids, we got it. We knew how to handle it.... NOTHING prepares you for a baby that won't sleep until you go through it. I felt so ill-prepared for that aspect. I researched the piss out of so much stuff, but sleep? Naw, a newborn baby will just go to sleep when he is tired. Not my son, he was up all night that first night in the hospital and it was months before he slept with any regularity. The "guarenteed to make your DS go to sleep" yoga pose only made DS cry harder. ......the more i post on here the more I think DS is going to be an only child.

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 10:25:36 GMT -5 midjd said:

DQ, my brother was a baby in 1990 too... and he was also a barfer. My mom says "nobody likes it, but when it's your kid it's not quite as bad..." but I think she's lying. Hopefully DH will be able to handle it because I'm sure I'll scar the kid for life the first time it pukes and I run screaming from the room

You can run screaming, but the barf will be on you, so there is no escaping it.

You're mom is right, when it's your own kid, it really isn't a big deal.

[Deleted]

Kids are an idiotic decision financially. They'll suck you dry of money for years and years to come and rob you of all your personal time. Still, I seriously doubt a single poster on here trying to talk you out of it would give up theirs for anything.

Having said that, it needs to be a joint decision. Your wife is hardly at the age where she needs to start watching the clock, but the baby bug is tough to shake. I would suggest coming up with a compromise. She wants now, you want in what? 5 years or so? (Didn't read the entire thread). I would really push for a compromise of 2 years for now.

Not that it matters, but I had my two at 33 and 41, both conceived within 90 days of deciding to become pregnant and both with zero problems during pregancy or birth. The one at 41 was a cake walk actually!

[muttleynfelix]

Jul 11, 2011 10:25:36 GMT -5 midjd said:

DQ, my brother was a baby in 1990 too... and he was also a barfer. My mom says "nobody likes it, but when it's your kid it's not quite as bad..." but I think she's lying. Hopefully DH will be able to handle it because I'm sure I'll scar the kid for life the first time it pukes and I run screaming from the room

LOL. DS was a "happy spitter". Which basically meant after ever meal he spit up ... a lot. The only time it really got to me was when he would spit up while nursing.... I think that was worse than getting peed on.

Not much grosse me out it comes to DS. We cloth diaper and DS had the runs this weekend. Kind of gross to clean up, but not too bad. I was changing DS's diaper at VBS on Saturday and he was just wet and nursery attendant asked me to change O's diaper too. O's diaper was dirty and nasty and he weighs 12 pounds MORE than my DS despite being the same age. That actually was pretty nasty to me. Worse than cleaning out a half dozen of DS's dirty diapers. No idea why.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You can run screaming, but the barf will be on you, so there is no escaping it

And you realize it's still on your sweater when you go to work the next morning.

[swamp]

Jul 11, 2011 10:33:31 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

You can run screaming, but the barf will be on you, so there is no escaping it

And you realize it's still on your sweater when you go to work the next morning.

because they barfed down your back, and you can't see it. You realize it's there because you can smell it............

[midjd]

Cawiau, just show your wife the last page of this thread, you'll be OK for a while

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

because they barfed down your back, and you can't see it. You realize it's there because you can smell it............

Yep, and as you look for it you realize you are wearing one brown shoe and one navy shoe.

[midjd]

My brother threw up all over my science fair poster when I was in 2nd grade. As I ran for the bus, poster-less, I saw that he was standing on the back of the couch, stark naked (he took his clothes off because they were covered in puke), pressed up against the window. The other kids on the bus got a kick out of that.

I love my brother ;D

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My brother used to run around naked screaming the entire time my parents were gone on "date night". Nobody believed me because he'd somehow be magically back in his clothes and sitting pretty the moment my parents pulled in the driveway.

[yogiii]

Jul 11, 2011 10:26:38 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Jul 11, 2011 10:20:30 GMT -5 Firebird said:

The fact that she is an only child doesn't help. (Don't kill me, Firebird!) NOT saying that only children don't have exposure to babies - many do - but there is definitely a difference between giving the kid back when it gets cranky vs. living with it 24/7.

I'll let it slide this time ;D

No, in reality this is one of the reasons I think it's good for children to have siblings. It's not an absolute necessity - only children can and do turn out fine - but in general I do think it's preferable to have more than one child in a household growing up, for this and many reasons like it. (They don't necessarily need to be siblings.)

It happens to youngest siblings too. By the time DH and I had DS, we had 6 nieces and one nephew ranging in age from 2 to 18. We figured we'd been around enough kids, we got it. We knew how to handle it.... NOTHING prepares you for a baby that won't sleep until you go through it. I felt so ill-prepared for that aspect. I researched the piss out of so much stuff, but sleep? Naw, a newborn baby will just go to sleep when he is tired. Not my son, he was up all night that first night in the hospital and it was months before he slept with any regularity. The "guarenteed to make your DS go to sleep" yoga pose only made DS cry harder. ......the more i post on here the more I think DS is going to be an only child.

Muttley, I'm right there with you . When DS was 3 months old, my mom was trying to get me out of the house because it would be good for him to go somewhere. I told her cars didn't relax him and that he cries nearly 24/7. She told me "all babies sleep in cars". Well he cried the whole 2 hour trip to the lake, most of the time we were there except for about 1 hour in the Ergo, and the whole ride home. Yeah mom, believe me about how he's a hard baby yet? I still think she doesn't believe me when I talk about the first 6 months of his life.

[Deleted]

I believe you yogiii! My DD screamed every time we got in the car until she was about 6 months old.

[Angel!]

Jul 9, 2011 7:25:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

- 2 False positive pregnancy test

Did this not strike anyone else as odd? No type of birth control causes a false positive. To my knowledge only 3 things will create a positive pregnancy test:
- fertility drugs
- faulty test
- pregnancy

I would think the odds of getting 2 faulty tests would be virtually nil unless they came from the same package, so I would be more inclined to think that she was pregnant or had a chemical pregnancy.

[yogiii]

Jul 11, 2011 11:05:53 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I believe you yogiii! My DD screamed every time we got in the car until she was about 6 months old.

Thanks! He was just colicky and cranky for 6 months, poor kid, I can't blame him. But neither of us slept for about the first 8 months. He'll be 14 months this week and I'm just starting to recover now.

[Deleted]

DD just turned 6 on Friday and I'm still not recovered.

[yogiii]

From what I hear, full recovery takes at least 18 years

[yogiii]

I don't know that I've ever posted to a cawiau thread, but here it goes...

Most people change when they have a kid. Priorities change, feelings change, things you want change. They take a lot of effort, patience and can cause major strain on a marriage, even a marriage where you were on the same page about everything before kids (us). IMO, they are totally worth it but both people should agree that "now is the time". Now doesn't mean everything is perfect financially, work-wise, the right season of the year or whatever, "now" is just when both of you say it is ok to pull the goalie.