cubefarmer
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Post by cubefarmer on Apr 21, 2011 7:44:10 GMT -5
He was texting in class - a no-no - so he had his phone taken up. He has to pay $15 to get it back and the [private] school is allowed to read through all his text messages, photos, internet surfing history. He doesn't have internet on his phone or capability to send or receive naked pictures, so that's good. I'm sure his texts are eyebrow raising though. He's a 16-year-old boy.
But let me confess my thought process here.....
I'm at work. School lets out. I text him to make sure he has gotten home okay. No answer. I call. I text. No answer. I panic. I wonder if I should call the police. We had an attempted break in the other day (I caught the guy in the act and screamed at him and he left). Police were called. Next day the burglar broke into a neighbors house and now my son isn't responding to my calls and texts. I leave my job 12 miles away and rush home. He's there (huge relief!) and he tells me he had his phone taken up at school.
So I'm thinking - Thank God he only had his phone taken up at school. It's a good thing, because the alternative - what I was thinking - was much worse.
This was my thought process. Along with anger at the school for making me worry and having to leave work early to check on him.
Of course my son is a dumb a$$ for texting in class.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Apr 21, 2011 7:45:53 GMT -5
You sound like a helicopter parent, but that is just my take on the situation.
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Post by lonewolf2019 on Apr 21, 2011 7:48:00 GMT -5
It wasn't the school that you should be angry at. It was your son who knowingly broke the rules. Why didn't he call you from your house phone to explain?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 21, 2011 7:58:22 GMT -5
Agree with the others. Your son broke the rules and got his cell taken away. Don't blame the school for implementing their rules.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 21, 2011 8:08:04 GMT -5
Your son should have told the school that he needed to use their phone to notify you that he wouldn't have his phone. If they refused, then you could be mad at them, but this really is on your son. I'm sure there was someone he could have borrowed a phone from to call or text you to let you know.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 8:14:15 GMT -5
Now is the perfect time to tweak the checking-in process and make it your son’s responsibility to check in with you after school. (A working parent who insists on touching base with their teenagers after school is certainly not a helicopter parent.)
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cubefarmer
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Post by cubefarmer on Apr 21, 2011 8:17:32 GMT -5
Yes, I like to know my son got home from school okay and that makes me a helicopter parent. If I didn't want to know if he got home safely, I'd be a neglectful loser single mom who doesn't care about her kid. I realize I can't win here.
My son doesn't know my cell phone number by memory (he doesn't know his own cell phone number). He has multiple learning disabilities and attends a special needs school. And while he can tell you our house number, he doesn't know our zip code. I am going to post my cell phone number in his room so he can call me. However my job has asked me if I want to work from home and I have said Yes, so it will much easier for me to helicopter.
My son told them he needed to call me and tell me about this or else I would call the police and they didn't care and said No, he couldn't call me.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 21, 2011 8:24:51 GMT -5
...while I'll agree that it sounds like a needlessly scary afternoon, it also sounds like this is a good learning opportunity for all involved... ...school needs to allow for a "one phone call rule" or allow payphones installed... ...kid needs a serious brush-up on his "check-in with mom" skills... ...mom needs to think of back-up options for when the lone tie (cell) to son is severed... ...hope your week gets better!
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Post by isabella on Apr 21, 2011 8:33:56 GMT -5
while there should be a consequence for your son texting in class, which is clearly against the rules of phone use during the school day. I would definitely contact principal/head master on this one. Absolutely BS that he should pay a fine and texts read by school admin., unless something like drugs/alcohol is suspected and intervention for serious matters or safety is the concern. Always the parent should be informed and involved as well. At our school the student drops of the cell phone in the office and is set aside in the office during school hours (probation of this type this can go on for 30-60-90 days depending on the violation of the rule) and can pick up after dismissal. The student is allowed between classes, lunch period to go to the office and check for texts/messages that may be important and also can send texts and make phone calls in the office during the breaks. At no time should a parent be left hanging out there wondering if their child is in danger because they cannot contact their child. IMO the school handled the situation incorrectly.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 21, 2011 8:36:36 GMT -5
Considering his disabilities, if the school wouldn't let him call you, then I would call them and set them straight so it doesn't happen again to you or anyone else. This situation probably didn't occur to them when they set their policy.
Our school once had a child on a bus in possession of drugs. One of the kids told his mother when he got off the bus and the mother called the bus garage who called the police and told the driver not to let any more kids off the bus until the police arrived and resolved things. The only people they didn't think to call were the parents of the other kids on the bus. My kids were on that bus and just old enough to be home alone for a couple of hours (10 and 12 and the 12 year old had taken the babysitter course). When they didn't call me to check in, I was worried but figured they forgot and were playing outside. When I got home (2 hours after they were supposed to get off the bus) and they STILL weren't home and their back packs weren't there, I was in full panic mode and called the police. I called the bus garage and they changed their plan to include calling emergency contacts if the kids were delayed. It hadn't occurred to them to make that part of the plan. They figured parents would call them if the bus didn't come, but some parents aren't home when the bus comes.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Apr 21, 2011 8:37:02 GMT -5
I don't think that checking to make sure your son made it home safe and sound in light of recent neighborhood breaks ins makes you a helicopter parent. On the days that I don't pick my son up from school I always call to make sure he made it home. On the rare occasions that he doesn't answer his cell phone I have been known to drive home and check on him. He is 12 (turns 13 next week).
I would scold DS for texting during school and make him use his allowance to pay the $15 fine. However, I would still mention to the school that you were disappointed that he wasn't given the opportunity to call you and give you a heads up on the situation.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 21, 2011 8:57:58 GMT -5
Personally I think the can't text in school rule is one of those one size fits all rules like not allowing a teenager know when to take some tylenol or when to take a cold medicine tablet.
I have to admit that I get texts from both my kids (14 and 17) during school hours. My 14 yo dd contacts me more often. Usually it is to ask me to contact a teacher about something or to ask me to purchase something she needs for a project. I prefer to know before I leave work that I need to pick something up rather than after I get home from work or my workout.
Last week I scheduled some Dr appts for DD so I texted her while she was at school telling her which classes she would miss the next day. I would say the teachers at her school somewhat agree b/c DD has been caught a few times but they accept her explanations (I am texting my Mom) and have never confiscated her phone.
My 17 yo DS usually texts me if he is late to school (he drives) and needs me to call him in. I got a text from him the other day asking me to call the school and give permission for him to go home and get an assignment he forgot.
I too thought it was strange that they would claim to be able to read all your texts. Wonder if that is legal? DD has a screen lock so good luck with that.
I used to always do my homework from other classes in my SS class. I don't think sending off a text is any worse than something like that. My kids have also told me before I will do my homework for X class in my Y class so I am sure that still goes on.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Apr 21, 2011 9:11:24 GMT -5
OP Your first post did not contain all the information that your later posts did. If you had posted all the relevant info in the first post, I don't think anyone would have called you a "helicopter parent". Hopefully your son has learned that there are consequences to breaking rules. And, considering his disabilities, I would definitely voice my concerns to the principal or headmaster. They should allow a student to call a parent. And they should have the parent's cell number in their records.....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 9:15:35 GMT -5
Absolutely BS that he should pay a fine and texts read by school admin., unless something like drugs/alcohol is suspected and intervention for serious matters or safety is the concern. I'm neutral on the fine but absolutely agree that it's BS that they can read anyone's messages if the confiscate a phone, even when there are no serious concerns such as the ones isabella listed. I'm sure you agreed to the policy going in, but I'd work to change that part of it. I love all the technology that's developed in the last decade but am getting alarmed at how many people have their hands on the personal details of my life. And, having raised a son as a single mother, I don't think you're a helicopter parent at all. Kids that age can get into plenty of trouble and it's good for them to know that Mom cares about where they are and what they're doing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 9:33:51 GMT -5
I wonder if they actually read the texts or if the threat of reading the texts is just part of the deterrent. Back in the good ol' days of passing paper notes whatever the punshiment for passing notes was, it wasn't nearly as bad as having the teacher read what you were writing. I suspect this is the same principle.
As far as the original situation, I think it is a perfectly appropriate punishment, but the school should recognize that kids use those phones to check in with their parents and alert the emergency contact when it got taken away.
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dividend
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Post by dividend on Apr 21, 2011 9:36:55 GMT -5
I graduated high school in 1999, right before the use of cell phones exploded. This thread makes me wonder how my parents managed to parent me at all without being able to contact me 24/7. If something bad happened, the school would call my parents. If I needed something for a school project, I knew about it far enough in advance that it wasn't necessary to whip out a phone and tell my mother right then so she could buy it on her way home from work. I don't ever remember my parents being as uptight and clingy as some parents sound now. I know constant communication via cell phones is a huge convenience, but when I read threads like this, or when my family gets together for dinner now and that requires 12 cell phone calls to coordinate, I think maybe we've overcomplicated things.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Apr 21, 2011 9:37:55 GMT -5
You're certainly not a helicopter parent! I'm almost 30 and my mom still appreciates a text when I get home from visiting her (it's an hour and a half drive). I would be fuming that the school goes through their text messages!
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 21, 2011 9:49:56 GMT -5
"I would be fuming that the school goes through their text messages! "
It's probably harder to fume knowing that she's choosing to send her son to a private school and therefore has the choice to send him to a school with a different policy. I think it would be a lot more outrageous if this were a public school rather than a private one with their own rules and regulations.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Apr 21, 2011 9:51:58 GMT -5
Have the teacher arrested for theft. Their rules don't trump the law!
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Post by lonewolf2019 on Apr 21, 2011 9:54:02 GMT -5
"I wonder if they actually read the texts or if the threat of reading the texts is just part of the deterrent."
This happened to a kid I know. They not only read his texts, they contacted drug enforcement and set up a sting and caught all the kids he was selling drugs to.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 21, 2011 10:09:17 GMT -5
Have the teacher arrested for theft. Their rules don't trump the law! You can absolutely enter into a private contract with a party whereby actions taken outside that contract might be considered illegal, but within the contract are perfectly legit. It's not theft if she's given the school permission to do things like this...which she almost certainly has, in writing, when she signed her child up for this private institution.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 21, 2011 10:23:44 GMT -5
I graduated high school in 94, so no cell phones in school. Pagers weren't allowed, either. My mom was no where near a helicopter parent, but you can bet she knew my schedule and if I was going to deviate from it, I had to call her and tell her. Middle school and first couple years of high school, I had to call my mom as soon as I got home from school. I would call and either say I'm at home or at the BFF's house. If I wanted to do something else (like go to the mall with BFF) I had to call and ask permission. Junior and senior years, I didn't have to check in when I got home, but you can bet my mom knew my schedule and if she tried to call the house when I should have been there and I didn't answer, I was going to be in trouble.
OP: Schools, especially private schools have a lot of leeway. Its pretty much accepted that students on school grounds have very limited expectations of privacy. And if you agreed to the schools code of conduct, then they have every right to read your son's text messages. I'm fine with that, because he knew the consequences and still broke the rules. I am not fine with the school refusing to allow your son to contact you and not contacting you themselves. Schools should know that parents use cell phones to check in with their kids and will reasonably be concerned when they are unable to do so. If they won't let your son use his cell and he doesn't have your number memorized (I don't have anyone other than my DH's cell number and my own memorized) they should be able to look the phone number up in his contact list and read it to him so he can dial from an office phone. In general, I think parents should be notified of all disciplinary actions a school takes so that they can reinforce the message at home. But especially when the disciplinary action has an effect outside of school (like not having a cell phone) parents need to be kept in the loop. That is the responsibility of the school. As the parent, I would complain to school administration. Tell them you know he broke the rules and you aren't arguing about the reading of texts or the fine. Your son knew the consequences and must accept them. You're concern is that you were not informed of a disciplinary action that had consequences outside of school hours, and you would appreciate it if something like this ever happens again that the school either allow your son to contact you or contact you themselves so that you are aware of the situation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 10:24:05 GMT -5
"My son told them he needed to call me and tell me about this or else I would call the police and they didn't care and said No, he couldn't call me. "
This would be the big problem for me. No school should be able to deny a minor child's request to contact their parent.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 21, 2011 10:26:29 GMT -5
"My son told them he needed to call me and tell me about this or else I would call the police and they didn't care and said No, he couldn't call me. " This would be the big problem for me. No school should be able to deny a minor child's request to contact their parent. This is a problem...if it happened. It's coming from her son though. I doubt they restrained him from using a pay phone or house phone on his own time.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Apr 21, 2011 10:27:12 GMT -5
Keep your anger focused on your child, that's where it belongs. ... First for loosing his phone. ... Second for not contacting you. Your 'one call' policy is a bad idea. It's actually a 25 call policy, one for each kid. There were schools before there were phones, he'll be alright. I'm sure if he really felt he needed to contact you he would have with the help of the school office or a neighbor. Simply put, he's the one to blame for not contacting you.
I think the worries about reading his messages are bogus. Any kid should already be told, "don't say, type, text, email, photo something that you wouldn't want repeated back." Somehow I'm seeing parallels between this and the Supreme Court ruling that allows locker searches.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 21, 2011 10:32:43 GMT -5
My son doesn't know my cell phone number by memory
Then write it down somewhere for him to have, even if it is stuck on the fridge so he can call you when he gets home.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 21, 2011 10:41:06 GMT -5
When I was in school, my Mom worked part time, and many of the Moms in the neighborhood also worked part time or did not work at all. Most of my neighbors are working just like us. When I was a kid, if my Mom was working after school, my Dad worked construction and was home by 3:30 - 4pm.
My DH is rarely home before 7:30-8pm. It is not unusual for me to work late either. Getting a ride home if my kids want to stay late or come home sick often involves managing to contact Mother, Father, and Grandpa before we decide who is going to pick up the kid. Considering the cell phone bills we pay, if I have to pay $15.00 to the school as a penalty, I will just pay it and life goes on. My older kid gets an occasional parking ticket too. Considering the parking situation at the Highschool, I can live with that too. The world is not going to end becasue you got your wrist slapped.
We didn't have cell phones when I was in school, but if we had many parents probably would have made use of the technology. Things change as the world evolves and not all change is bad. We use e-mail too. We didn't have that when I was in school either or Parent Connect to monitor your kids grades.
We did call Mom at work when I was a teen. I find a text message less invasive when I am working than a phone call. The message conveyed can wait until my co-worker is out of my office or my meeting has ended.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Apr 21, 2011 10:44:37 GMT -5
Good grief! How on earth did I ever manage to raise two kids as a working single mom when NO ONE had cell phones? (There is a lot of over reacting here)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 10:51:34 GMT -5
Good grief! How on earth did I ever manage to raise two kids as a working single mom when NO ONE had cell phones? (There is a lot of over reacting here) Well let's see, there were payphones (including in the schools) and people had landlines.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 21, 2011 10:53:26 GMT -5
The part that bothers me isn't that he wasn't allowed to call you (as others have said, he had other ways to contact you - if nothing else, he could go to the library at lunch and shoot you a quick email).
But I am REALLY bothered by the idea that they get to check out all of his texts and internet browsing history. What in the world are they looking for? Are they just trying to make sure that he's not regularly on the phone in class?
Even 16 year olds have the right to a certain amount of privacy. If the PARENTS want to check on internet and texts, that's one thing. But I think it's way out of line for the school to go through students' phone records without permission.
That being said, I'm sure the rule is clearly spelled out somewhere, which means that he knew the consequences for texting in class. Arbitrary and stupid or not, if a rule is there and you know the consequences for breaking it, then that's on you.
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