bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Apr 8, 2024 17:25:28 GMT -5
I hope the apartment-finding goes smoothly with your mother, bookkeeper , and that she is comfortable. Thank you, we have a few weeks to figure it out. Her return flight isn't for 3 weeks yet and I can push that date back without much trouble. It will depend on the heat in TX. She doesn't care to live in her park model once the temps are in the 90's. The remediation company loads out the contents of her house tomorrow. Let's hope dehumidifier smoke residue comes out easily.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Apr 16, 2024 12:06:46 GMT -5
The smoke damage clean up continues. We have a one bedroom apartment rented for Mom to return to. I am going there this week with a load of furniture and move in supplies. I talked to her this morning. She thinks she will be back in the house in a month. I think it will be at least two, maybe longer depending on scheduling with the trades.
Her clothes and bedding should be back from the clean up company before she gets home, so that is going to help her settle in.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Apr 16, 2024 12:09:53 GMT -5
She has a lot of shopping ahead of her. She needs new appliances and flooring and new living room furniture.
I plan to take her shopping and guide her to smaller scale furniture that can go with her to assisted living or apartment living as things progress.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 16, 2024 14:04:47 GMT -5
I hope all goes well, bookkeeper. Thinking of you and your mom.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 8:00:39 GMT -5
I'm going to post here because I can vent. FIL is not doing well so the kids have been taking turns watching him. Which is fine. The problem comes in that SIL is having surgery next month and can't help. Which again fine. DH has volunteered to live down there for three weeks. Which would have been fine if we didn't have kids still in school. If I didn't work full time outside the house. AND I've been freaking summoned for jury duty again. If I get actually called WTF are we supposed to do with the kids? We don't have daycare or our moms anymore. I suppose my dad could take them to school. I want to be supportive and I will likely figure out the logistics. The odds of me being actually called are low. My frustration is when I gently suggested the three of them might want to consider hiring outside help at least every once and awhile. I pointed out to DH we are in a very different stage of life than his siblings which means we have a lot of things we have to consider when it comes to taking on nearly full time elder care. He wasn't happy with me. His dad doesn't want outside help. Which again I can understand and it is a wonderful gift to be able to have enough family to care for you. But it's not realistic depending on how long this goes on and FIL can afford it. My grandmother and GU could not afford it, to me that is different. FIL absolutely can afford a few hours a day care when DH or his siblings can't be there. He needs to suck it up once and awhile so his kids can live their lives. I pointed out depending on how long this goes on there is a very real possibility there will be a time when none of them can get there/be there. Having back up care is a must. I hate having to be the voice of logic every time we go through something like this and we're going through it at a very rapid pace. DH is 100% emotional on all of this and won't listen to me about we have to balance our lives with the end of FIL's. The latter can't come at the expense of the former. I pointed out I just do the finances for grandma and it damn near cost me my job because I couldn't focus the attention needed on both. It doesn't not help DH feels that he needs to do this to atone for all his sins as an addict. BIL already warned DH that this is not about him it is about FIL. That DH needs to watch it that he's not doing things in a way that eases himself and makes himself feel better. I already got on his ass as well because he had a temper tantrum over the fact the kids don't want to visit every single weekend. I told him you are NOT going to burden the kids with the idea that they are the only thing keeping FIL going. I said you are going to respect that not everyone feels the need to sit by someone's bedside day after day waiting. They aren't ignoring their grandfather. They are living their own lives which you are going to respect. I told him this is a hill I will die on because I am not going to have my kids end up as fucked him as him when it comes to the concepts of elder care/death. I am just exhausted. I did not expect to go through this with my mom, his mom, grandma, GU and now his FIL all in the span of two freaking years. I told my dad he's only allowed to drink Kale smoothies, drink tap water and quit doing stupid shit like climbing on the freezer at the business. Though maybe my dad did have a point when he quipped after all this that banging his head on the way down from the freezer may be the preferable way to go.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 17, 2024 8:24:20 GMT -5
I’m sorry, Drama.
Could you point out that the logical extreme of this thinking is that you have to hire outside help to care for your daughters, since he refuses to hire outside help to care for his father? I know logic is hard when he’s in such an emotional place.
Alternatively…it’s seemed before that he’s sort of inclined to dismiss your opinion when it clashes with his, although maybe that situation isn’t a fair comparison. Maybe it might help for him to talk it over with a non-invested person (therapist, friend, whoever is reasonable).
Wishing you the best.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 17, 2024 8:29:01 GMT -5
Drama - would it help to point out to FIL that having his son on call 24/7 means his granddaughters are getting shorted and will have to miss out on fun stuff? Maybe that's overstepping.
FWIW, you're right on about paying for help if FIL can afford it.
The amount of caregiving for that many people in that span of time is mind boggling.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Apr 17, 2024 8:49:43 GMT -5
He should definitely pay for some care at a minimum on a backup basis. It's better to have something established and ready than to be scrambling when you really need it.
I was able to help fulfill my grandma's wish to be at home. I also do not have kids and the whole thing lasted 12 days from me signing her out of the hospital to her death. From me going to my home state to the funeral was less than 3 weeks.
She was mostly able to get herself around and care for herself up until the last heart attack that sent her to the hospital. An ongoing thing with no defined end is a whole different animal.
I had daily hospice nurses and bathing aides. I also had a separate daytime aide and an overnight one to help us. We could afford the 16 hours a day of aides for a short period. I was starting to stress but the money held out.
The load of caregiving and the burnt out is real. I don't know how I survived other than sheer stubbornness and I had tons of help and visitors.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 9:39:59 GMT -5
I've pointed it out that since FIL is on hospice Medicare will pay for some in home care. I said eventually you will all hit a breaking point either in exhaustion and/or schedule wise and someone is going to have to be with him.
What annoyed me more isn't that DH wants to do this, I can respect that. What annoys me is there was no discussion with me I was just TOLD he is going to be living down there for three weeks and I need to make sure my employer knows that because I'll have to take the kids to school.
There was no consideration for me in this situation I was just informed that this is what him and his siblings decided.
Well awesome BIL's wife can work from home, SIL's husband has his own business so can set his hours. I can't do either of those things. I also still have minor children who cannot drive themselves. They cannot miss school because their father insists on living with FIL for 3 weeks.
I am so tired of being an afterthought with him and his family. I told him like it or not we're married and I do get a voice in this because it affects me and my employment and our children.
I told him FIL is not considered my immediate family. It may sound harsh to him but that is 100% true from a legal and employment standpoint.
I cannot go to jury duty and say excuse me because my husband wants to stay at his father's bedside 24/7.
My dad had to get a lawyer to get excused in 2020 because he was my grandmother's only caregiver and that's his freaking mother and it was during a pandemic (Iowa was the only state still insisting on in person jury duty). They sure as hell are going to have no sympathy about my FIL.
My employer's grace about the situation is only going to extend so far. FMLA does not apply to me in regards to his father even if it did that is still only 12 weeks per year. This is likely going to go on way more than 3 months. I said you HAVE to accept that you may end up limited in what you can do to help because it cannot come at the expense of our family unit.
ETA: I am all for him helping to relieve his sister. As tends to be the case with her being the older daughter A LOT of this has fallen onto her. Absolutely the brothers should pitch in but I feel like DH is going overboard.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Apr 17, 2024 10:18:33 GMT -5
The hospice agency should have a list of caregivers as well. They will cover some respite care but I'm not sure on the rules for that.
My grandma's agency had a big list of aides. I wish I had gotten my hands on that list while she was still in the hospital because it was a rough 36 hours until I got aides coming in.
It's 100% not reasonable to leave your family for 3 weeks. I left a grown ass husband at home, no kids, no pets. I am also able to work from home and was able to continue putting in hours when possible.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 17, 2024 10:53:54 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama.
It's just a crappy situation all the way around.
The other alternative is for your DH to get on care.com, and figure out what he's giving up in the budget to hire the support you need while he is gone.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 17, 2024 10:57:16 GMT -5
I'm really sorry, Drama, that's so frustrating. Maybe your DH and his sibs should devise a schedule of days divided into 2 including weekends and take a stab at filling it with their availability. I imagine it would quickly become obvious that supplementary caregivers are needed. 24/7 care is a LOT. And of course, you and the others have other lives. My sympathies.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 11:17:54 GMT -5
I can manage to an extent and I wouldn't mind so much if it was 3 weeks and that's it. That is a solid timeline to give my employer. School will be out at the end of May so at least there is three months where we don't have to worry about school. But what about the fall? We have no clue how long all this will last. I want him to start thinking about that and discuss it with me but he refuses to. He thinks it is going to be "any day now". Uh no it may not be. Have you fucking met my grandmother?! I am not entirely joking when I say Gwen may inherit her care. This could go on YEARS. I said you and your siblings need to discuss this and hiring help because it's not fair to you guys or your spouses to be expected to take care of your dad 24/7 for goodness knows how long. Even splitting it in thirds is eventually going to be too much on everyone. I said there will come a day here when none of you can be there and I will be damned if DH is going to risk his job over it when he can easily call hospice and have them bring someone in. Caring for his dad doesn't pay our bills. I said you have to accept that while your father is at the end of his life we are still in the middle of ours. We have to keep living after he's gone. I don't want them to shove their dad in a home or anything I want him to realize this is an extremely hefty choice they are making and it may backfire. They should have a Plan B, C and D for when they may not be able to care for him or he ends up requiring more specialized care than they can safely provide him. But what do I know? It's not like I haven't spent the last year and a half in the thick of all this.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 17, 2024 12:28:14 GMT -5
At home hospice care does not provide daily care or 24/7 care.
Mom's caregiver, the woman who bathed her, etc. came 3 times a week. The number of times the nurse came varied depending on how mom was doing. But it was for an hour or two. It was not for an entire day until the actual dying process started and they stayed with us 18 hours straight before leaving.
Mom took her time at the very end. No one from hospice was with us when she passed.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 13:39:54 GMT -5
At home hospice care does not provide daily care or 24/7 care. Mom's caregiver, the woman who bathed her, etc. came 3 times a week. The number of times the nurse came varied depending on how mom was doing. But it was for an hour or two. It was not for an entire day until the actual dying process started and they stayed with us 18 hours straight before leaving. Mom took her time at the very end. No one from hospice was with us when she passed. FIL could certainly afford the VNA or other at home care. This isn't like GU who didn't have a dollar to his name. I am not sure he needs 100% 24/7 care to be honest. DH is too much like his mother in that it is hard to get a straight answer out of him. I know FIL needs help out of bed in the morning and into bed. DH insists that is why he needs to live there for 3 weeks so he can be there when FIL wakes up and FIL goes to bed. I am not sure why BIL can't trade off with him during those three weeks. SIL is having surgery so that I get. I also do not get why they can't hire a traveling nurse for those three weeks. DH is using this as penance for his addict behavior and he wants to prove to his siblings that he is now a responsible adult. Which I can understand where he is coming from but we've had several arguments already about why that is NOT a healthy reason to be doing elder care. I've also pointed out to DH that he is concerned if FIL falls he cannot lift him. I said if you cannot safely lift your FIL then you really should not be taking care of him alone. Yes he can call the EMTs to come get him off the floor or other family near by to help but that is not the point. I said if you can't safely care for him, and that day may come, you're all going to have to suck it up and hire help.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 17, 2024 15:11:01 GMT -5
As long as your FIL can afford to pay for nurses (my parents could not), that needs to happen.
No your DH should not be lifting his dad. He needs to get one of the belts like are used in hospitals but your FIL is not going to wear that all the time nor she he need to. Those prevent a person from falling. Those were put on me after surgery.
My volunteer fire department doesn't charge to come and get me up after I have fallen. I end up calling maybe once a year and I do make a donation to them.
If your DH is only "needed" to get him out of bed and put him to bed, he doesn't need to live with his dad for 3 weeks, imo.
It doesn't sound like a full time nurse needs to be hired. When we were given the pricing for mom, we were astounded. I have always thought mom knew that and chose to leave instead.
When I looked in to someone coming out once a week or a couple of times a week when I had the blood clots, every place required a 3 hour minimum for self pay. When I was given help paid for by Medicare, they came 3 times a week for 6 weeks and were here about 30 minutes.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 15:40:32 GMT -5
If your DH is only "needed" to get him out of bed and put him to bed, he doesn't need to live with his dad for 3 weeks, imo
That was my thought. He can get up earlier WFH exactly like he does now only go there at 6 am instead of 8 am.
Then come home and drive back in the evening to put him to bed. It's not like we live hours away. We're like 20 minutes away. His dad would reimburse DH for gas.
I don't get where the idea he has to live down there for 3 weeks comes from. As far as I know nobody is currently staying all night. He has a life alert with a fall sensor on it will automatically call 911 if he tries to get out of bed and falls.
I should poke some more. I think that is fair because I am expected to take on single parenting and work my job around it. I have a right to know if this is really needed or just him being paranoid/obsessive. His unhealthy dealing with death/elder care can't come at our expense. I'm freaking sick of that for sure after the past two years.
Yeah yeah everyone grieves and handles it in their own way but we've come within a hair's breath of divorce over his way of "handling" these things. I'd like FIL to not topple us up and over.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 17, 2024 16:13:26 GMT -5
Then come home and drive back in the evening to put him to bed. It's not like we live hours away. We're like 20 minutes away. His dad would reimburse DH for gas. Are you f'in kidding me? If your FIL is mobile enough to get some food, and toilet himself, there's no way your H has to be there 24/7 for three weeks. Now, I'm pissed for you.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Apr 17, 2024 16:18:31 GMT -5
Yes this sounded like he was 2 hours away! No need to live there for 3 weeks.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2024 17:44:09 GMT -5
We talked about it. He's going to sleep there so he'd be going back around 9pm so he doesn't have to pack up to get there by 7.
He will be home most of the afternoon and evening like now.
I said that's not what you told me. You said LIVE down there. Quite different from sleeping down there.
Ugh. Well at least that is cleared up. Now we just have to see if I get called for jury duty.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 17, 2024 18:04:00 GMT -5
Then come home and drive back in the evening to put him to bed. It's not like we live hours away. We're like 20 minutes away. His dad would reimburse DH for gas. Are you f'in kidding me? If your FIL is mobile enough to get some food, and toilet himself, there's no way your H has to be there 24/7 for three weeks. Now, I'm pissed for you. Right! My grandma is 87 and doesn't need 24/7 care.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 18, 2024 11:55:37 GMT -5
We had a productive conversation yesterday about it all.
He's approaching it like his mother which was quite a different situation. She was already dying when she went on hospice.
So he is freaking out about the other shoe dropping.
TOTALLY understand that.
I said this could very well go on a year or more. Look at my grandmother.
We just don't know.
I told him I'm not saying don't take care of or spend time with your dad. I just want him to take a step back and think because caretaking for his mom was quite different than long term care.
I said you all need to discuss what happens if guys burn out. What happens if he needs more care than you can safely provide.
DH cant operate on FIL may die at any moment it isnt a sustainable mental state. I want him to at least be open to discussing with me and his siblings at minimum months of this.
Especially the toll this will take on the girls. They are already struggling I don't want them feeding off DH. I said you have to pull it back some for them.
FIL has health issues but they can all be handled. Having depression and giving up on life certainly will play a factor at some point but that doesn't mean the physical body is going to follow any time soon.
Sigh. This is way too much crap. I mean yeah on a certain level you know it's coming as your parents age but FOUR of them in two years?!
Then my mom dropping dead to boot?
It's a wonderful DH and I aren't more fucked up than we currently are.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 18, 2024 14:03:48 GMT -5
This is a good resolution.
I'm sorry,
One set of my grandparents died 6 weeks apart from each other, give or take. Completely unrelated. My grandpa was just in failing health. My grandma was killed by a drunk driver.
My dad was a newly minted 35 year old.
It is too much.
My MIL spent a good chunk of her 50s with folks at the end of their lives, their funerals, and then their estates. Like. That's all pretty much did for a few years of her life. Her mom, her brother, and there was another death in there, maybe her MIL. MIL's brother lived clear across the country. He did NOTHING to prepare, despite being given an expiration date. She even had to sort through his business after he passed. That was like a two year project. Rarely does she talk about it.
My DH likes to remind me that there are no guarantees that this thing called life is supposed to be easy. Moving through this phase...it's part of the dirty little secret that NO ONE talks about. It's all u-rah rah college commencement speeches. It's like when folks romanticize having kids because if we didn't, no one would have them.
Honestly, we are mentally prepping for everyone else (my mom, DH's parents) to pass close together. I just hope my cancer doesn't come back then, because we will really be up a shit creek if that happens.
Like a whole lot else, it will just be more to get through and just get to the other side.
Makes you stop and appreciate the things that you can enjoy so much more.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 18, 2024 16:41:14 GMT -5
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