TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 28, 2024 11:28:32 GMT -5
Don't own a nutcracker and this was cheap.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 1, 2024 18:11:03 GMT -5
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. She didn't write it. I noticed several other Facebook members posted it too. So it's make the rounds.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 1, 2024 20:37:45 GMT -5
I wish my cousin could understand this about her aunt. She moved all of her kitchen stuff last weekend. It's an assisted living apartment. Her niece is wanting to not unbox it and return it to the house for when the house is sold.
I think these are things she got from her mother and whether or not she cooks, they were used by her mother.
I have one bowl my mom got from her mother. I kept one bowl that I remember from childhood from my mother. Not to use, but to remember.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 2, 2024 11:26:29 GMT -5
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. She didn't write it. I noticed several other Facebook members posted it too. So it's make the rounds. After cleaning out the fourth parent's house I say spend some time but also with some tough love. Three of our four parents UPSIZED their living arrangements in their 60s and only one actually went into custodial care (and not williingly and leaving all of his crap behind for his 80+ year old SO to deal with). We're taking a hard look at our own stuff (ages 65 and 62) and hope we don't curse the poor person who gets stuck cleaning out our stuff!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 2, 2024 11:52:20 GMT -5
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. She didn't write it. I noticed several other Facebook members posted it too. So it's make the rounds. After cleaning out the fourth parent's house I say spend some time but also with some tough love. Three of our four parents UPSIZED their living arrangements in their 60s and only one actually went into custodial care (and not williingly and leaving all of his crap behind for his 80+ year old SO to deal with). We're taking a hard look at our own stuff (ages 65 and 62) and hope we don't curse the poor person who gets stuck cleaning out our stuff! Thank you for saying this. It is a lot nicer than what I was going to say. Most of the folks that we know that passed, including my dad, did NOTHING. One of DH's grandma's announced that she wasn't going to clean out her house. She was leaving that for her kids. DH's uncle got an expiration date (diagnosed with advanced lung cancer). Chose to do nothing. Lived cross country. It took my MIL and FIL like 2 years to deal with his estate AND his business. And they were mostly retired. Can you imagine if they were working full time? You also need to take into consideration that folks are having kids later. It is a hard choice for someone in the sandwich generation. Do you shield your parents from the consequences of their choices at the expense of child that is say, 4,5, or 6? Do I use my vacation time to indulge my mom? Sacrifice my mental health, because she won't adult? It's not just as simple as "chillax and be mindful. You'll regret it if you don't let your parents have their way with everything in their final years!" And, to assume someone under 60 won't understand, is just pure poppycock. I'm not yet 50. I am well aware I may not even make it to 60. I am reminded of that every.single. day. I'm already doing swedish death cleaning with that consideration in mind. Why do I have to be responsible and do it, and older generations don't have to be responsible? And we're supposed to indulge with smiles on our faces and love in our heart. Um. No. Furthermore, that was not how I was raised. I was raised you deal with the consequences of your choices. You don't expect everyone to shield you from those consequences. Age is not an excuse for not having to face consequences.
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soupandstew
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Post by soupandstew on Feb 2, 2024 11:59:52 GMT -5
After cleaning out the fourth parent's house I say spend some time but also with some tough love. Three of our four parents UPSIZED their living arrangements in their 60s and only one actually went into custodial care (and not williingly and leaving all of his crap behind for his 80+ year old SO to deal with). We're taking a hard look at our own stuff (ages 65 and 62) and hope we don't curse the poor person who gets stuck cleaning out our stuff! Thank you for saying this. It is a lot nicer than what I was going to say. Most of the folks that we know that passed, including my dad, did NOTHING. One of DH's grandma's announced that she wasn't going to clean out her house. She was leaving that for her kids. DH's uncle got an expiration date (diagnosed with advanced lung cancer). Chose to do nothing. Lived cross country. It took my MIL and FIL like 2 years to deal with his estate AND his business. And they were mostly retired. Can you imagine if they were working full time? You also need to take into consideration that folks are having kids later. It is a hard choice for someone in the sandwich generation. Do you shield your parents from the consequences of their choices at the expense of child that is say, 4,5, or 6? Do I use my vacation time to indulge my mom? Sacrifice my mental health, because she won't adult? It's not just as simple as "chillax and be mindful. You'll regret it if you don't let your parents have their way with everything in their final years!" And, to assume someone under 60 won't understand, is just pure poppycock. I'm not yet 50. I am well aware I may not even make it to 60. I am reminded of that every.single. day. I'm already doing swedish death cleaning with that consideration in mind. Why do I have to be responsible and do it, and older generations don't have to be responsible? And we're supposed to indulge with smiles on our faces and love in our heart. Um. No. Furthermore, that was not how I was raised. I was raised you deal with the consequences of your choices. You don't expect everyone to shield you from those consequences. Age is not an excuse for not having to face consequences.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 2, 2024 12:46:14 GMT -5
Dgm felt like it was a gift she was leaving my mother to go through her things.
Mom knew it wasn't a gift but getting rid of stuff is so hard for my mom that I can't be witchy about it either. It just is and we'll deal with it when we can.
I went with my parents yesterday so they could turn the kids accounts over to me. Then they started talking poa and stuff I wasn't really prepared for, but said they'd go through tax returns with me. Probably look at the trust at some point. I think it's a sign I have to get my shit together finally. We hopefully have another 5-10 years before they need any help but I'm too old to keep winging it.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Feb 2, 2024 13:49:48 GMT -5
Dgm felt like it was a gift she was leaving my mother to go through her things. Mom knew it wasn't a gift but getting rid of stuff is so hard for my mom that I can't be witchy about it either. It just is and we'll deal with it when we can. I went with my parents yesterday so they could turn the kids accounts over to me. Then they started talking poa and stuff I wasn't really prepared for, but said they'd go through tax returns with me. Probably look at the trust at some point. I think it's a sign I have to get my shit together finally. We hopefully have another 5-10 years before they need any help but I'm too old to keep winging it. Hugs to you. But what a great relief that your parents realize what is eventually going to happen and are starting to actually work on making things easier for you in the future. Than you really won't have to worry about winging it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 5, 2024 11:00:51 GMT -5
I got a mani-pedi yesterday morning, then went to the grocery store, and while I was there decided to do some shopping for my mom too. That resulted in me needing to run to my mom's to deliver said groceries, and me ending up spending several hours there doing her dishes, and going through the mountains of notes to herself on her dining room table. I tossed nearly everything. I have realized that when she has a note to aske Bean about something, and I take care of it, I have to toss the note or she will keep asking about it. She had an invitation to a 90th birthday party for a friend next weekend. She also had a note that G was coming at 9:30 tomorrow (Tuesday) to take her to the grocery store, so I called G to clarify. While I was on the phone with G she told me that she was taking mom to the birthday party and that she had purchased a Panera GC for mom and where it was on Mom's buffet. Mom would look at her calendar or the invite and say I need a card for J or I need a gift for J. I would tell her I will get a card for you, or the GC for J is right there. Mom moved it, put a note on it, and promptly forgot it was there. G said mom was trying to open a can of pears with a paring knife. They could not find a can opener. I told G mom has never had a regular can opener, she uses and electric one, and it is on the counter. She said mom had stabbed the can several times with the knife, and apparently it sat on the counter for quite awhile, she went home and got a can opener and when she got it open, she said the pears were rancid. G is a retired nurse. She questioned if it was safe for mom to use an electric can opener. I don't think there is any risk, but I can see that mom might not remember how it works or where it is.
My mom is really having issues walking and says her knees are bothering her. I need to call the Dr. and make an appt, I think she needs a walker, but I expect she will refuse to use it.
I came home, tossed the garbage bag with mom's paperwork in the garbage and then went to bed. My own kitchen really could use a good cleaning and I have my own paperwork to catch up on. I woke up about 2:30 am and was thinking about this, and it hit me that I probably should not have cleaned up mom's paperwork as my brother has the psychologist coming in to reevaluate her ability to continue living on her own. G thinks she is fine, I am more inclined to agree with my DB. I am pretty sure the evaluation will be on our side. I also toss out any old food in the fridge before I go to the store. Maybe I should stop doing that also until evaluation is done. My garbage was at the end of my driveway to be picked up, but I got up (at about 3am), put my coat on and went out and pulled out the bag of paperwork from the can jic I need to share it with the Psychologist that is coming.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 5, 2024 11:09:41 GMT -5
I got a mani-pedi yesterday morning, then went to the grocery store, and while I was there decided to do some shopping for my mom too. That resulted in me needing to run to my mom's to deliver said groceries, and me ending up spending several hours there doing her dishes, and going through the mountains of notes to herself on her dining room table. I tossed nearly everything. I have realized that when she has a note to aske Bean about something, and I take care of it, I have to toss the note or she will keep asking about it. She had an invitation to a 90th birthday party for a friend next weekend. She also had a note that G was coming at 9:30 tomorrow (Tuesday) to take her to the grocery store, so I called G to clarify. While I was on the phone with G she told me that she was taking mom to the birthday party and that she had purchased a Panera GC for mom and where it was on Mom's buffet. Mom would look at her calendar or the invite and say I need a card for J or I need a gift for J. I would tell her I will get a card for you, or the GC for J is right there. Mom moved it, put a note on it, and promptly forgot it was there. G said mom was trying to open a can of pears with a paring knife. They could not find a can opener. I told G mom has never had a regular can opener, she uses and electric one, and it is on the counter. She said mom had stabbed the can several times with the knife, and apparently it sat on the counter for quite awhile, she went home and got a can opener and when she got it open, she said the pears were rancid. G is a retired nurse. She questioned if it was safe for mom to use an electric can opener. I don't think there is any risk, but I can see that mom might not remember how it works or where it is. My mom is really having issues walking and says her knees are bothering her. I need to call the Dr. and make an appt, I think she needs a walker, but I expect she will refuse to use it. I came home, tossed the garbage bag with mom's paperwork in the garbage and then went to bed. My own kitchen really could use a good cleaning and I have my own paperwork to catch up on. I woke up about 2:30 am and was thinking about this, and it hit me that I probably should not have cleaned up mom's paperwork as my brother has the psychologist coming in to reevaluate her ability to continue living on her own. G thinks she is fine, I am more inclined to agree with my DB. I am pretty sure the evaluation will be on our side. I also toss out any old food in the fridge before I go to the store. Maybe I should stop doing that also until evaluation is done. My garbage was at the end of my driveway to be picked up, but I got up (at about 3am), put my coat on and went out and pulled out the bag of paperwork from the can jic I need to share it with the Psychologist that is coming. I would not get your expectations too high. It is shockingly easy to pass the evaluations. My grandmother passed with flying colors despite the fact it was clear she could not take care of herself. The tests measured her spatial reasoning which was excellent. The tests do not measure your ability to take care of yourself. If your mom is having a good day the day she takes the test she will pass. There is also a tendency of whoever is administering the test to spoon feed or just be like "good enough" on the answer. My dad was floored when he attended one because he couldn't believe they kept saying she was fine mentally. Now we know why, She freaking fell and busted her shoulder and the doctor STILL wanted to send her home! The nurses and EMTs had to back my dad up on the condition she was in when admitted as proof she could not be safely discharged home. My dad had to flat out refuse to take her home and told me not to answer my phone. It still took several weeks before their hand was forced and they had to find a place to send her. That is one time I am thankful we're a small family they ran out of people to bully. I mean I get that we don't want people to be able to just lock grandma up and take her house from her anytime they please but JFC. The bar is TOO high IMO and the tests need to be revised to reflect current data and understanding of declining mental capacity. The ability to care for yourself should be on there. My grandma was leaving paper towels/toilet paper in the bathroom covered in poop. It was like a horror movie in that house when we found her on Thanksgiving. That is NOT someone who is competent enough to be safely living on their own I don't care if they can draw hands on a damn clock.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 5, 2024 11:28:51 GMT -5
I got a mani-pedi yesterday morning, then went to the grocery store, and while I was there decided to do some shopping for my mom too. That resulted in me needing to run to my mom's to deliver said groceries, and me ending up spending several hours there doing her dishes, and going through the mountains of notes to herself on her dining room table. I tossed nearly everything. I have realized that when she has a note to aske Bean about something, and I take care of it, I have to toss the note or she will keep asking about it. She had an invitation to a 90th birthday party for a friend next weekend. She also had a note that G was coming at 9:30 tomorrow (Tuesday) to take her to the grocery store, so I called G to clarify. While I was on the phone with G she told me that she was taking mom to the birthday party and that she had purchased a Panera GC for mom and where it was on Mom's buffet. Mom would look at her calendar or the invite and say I need a card for J or I need a gift for J. I would tell her I will get a card for you, or the GC for J is right there. Mom moved it, put a note on it, and promptly forgot it was there. G said mom was trying to open a can of pears with a paring knife. They could not find a can opener. I told G mom has never had a regular can opener, she uses and electric one, and it is on the counter. She said mom had stabbed the can several times with the knife, and apparently it sat on the counter for quite awhile, she went home and got a can opener and when she got it open, she said the pears were rancid. G is a retired nurse. She questioned if it was safe for mom to use an electric can opener. I don't think there is any risk, but I can see that mom might not remember how it works or where it is. My mom is really having issues walking and says her knees are bothering her. I need to call the Dr. and make an appt, I think she needs a walker, but I expect she will refuse to use it. I came home, tossed the garbage bag with mom's paperwork in the garbage and then went to bed. My own kitchen really could use a good cleaning and I have my own paperwork to catch up on. I woke up about 2:30 am and was thinking about this, and it hit me that I probably should not have cleaned up mom's paperwork as my brother has the psychologist coming in to reevaluate her ability to continue living on her own. G thinks she is fine, I am more inclined to agree with my DB. I am pretty sure the evaluation will be on our side. I also toss out any old food in the fridge before I go to the store. Maybe I should stop doing that also until evaluation is done. My garbage was at the end of my driveway to be picked up, but I got up (at about 3am), put my coat on and went out and pulled out the bag of paperwork from the can jic I need to share it with the Psychologist that is coming. I would not get your expectations too high. It is shockingly easy to pass the evaluations. My grandmother passed with flying colors despite the fact it was clear she could not take care of herself. The tests measured her spatial reasoning which was excellent. The tests do not measure your ability to take care of yourself. If your mom is having a good day the day she takes the test she will pass. There is also a tendency of whoever is administering the test to spoon feed or just be like "good enough" on the answer. My dad was floored when he attended one because he couldn't believe they kept saying she was fine mentally. Now we know why, She freaking fell and busted her shoulder and the doctor STILL wanted to send her home! The nurses and EMTs had to back my dad up on the condition she was in when admitted as proof she could not be safely discharged home. My dad had to flat out refuse to take her home and told me not to answer my phone. It still took several weeks before their hand was forced and they had to find a place to send her. That is one time I am thankful we're a small family they ran out of people to bully. I mean I get that we don't want people to be able to just lock grandma up and take her house from her anytime they please but JFC. The bar is TOO high IMO and the tests need to be revised to reflect current data and understanding of declining mental capacity. The ability to care for yourself should be on there. My grandma was leaving paper towels/toilet paper in the bathroom covered in poop. It was like a horror movie in that house when we found her on Thanksgiving. That is NOT someone who is competent enough to be safely living on their own I don't care if they can draw hands on a damn clock. Even moving her into some kind of assisted living facility the cost is over $5,000 per month. with her income and a house worth about $250,000 or so, that money will be gone shockingly fast. It is not like there is a reasonable expectation that we will be able to "take grandma's house" to use for anything but her own care.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Feb 5, 2024 11:36:39 GMT -5
I think she is far more likely to harm herself stabbing a can with a paring knife than using an electric can opener.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 5, 2024 11:48:37 GMT -5
The danger is opening any cans. If she can't remember how to use it and is stabbing them with a knife, that is not safe.
My dad did great at drawing the clock. What did that have to do with caring for himself? He wasn't caring for himself. Yes, the nurse would tease the answer out of him by giving him hints and said he did good enough on things he clearly didn't know.
So dad wasn't forced in to a nursing home until it became an emergency and the hospital would not release him to anywhere that did not have 24 hour nursing care.
It's so sad that it takes an emergency illness or injury before medical people will say a person can't live alone.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 5, 2024 13:17:43 GMT -5
Ah, bean29 ...Welcome to the dementia journey. It was nearly 5.5 years ago when I started this thread with two parents experiencing dementia but I didn't know it back then. I was at the end of my rope without much support. The group here helped a lot but I didn't take very good care of myself and needed to get therapy for the last year. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and still have some guilty feelings. I've mentioned this before but one of the best books I read was Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. People make choices, not necessarily the best ones and you're not responsible for those bad choices. Setting boundaries and walking away when people get abusive is the only way to preserve your own sanity. You're in my thoughts and I know you are super strong. You will get through this. We're here for you.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 5, 2024 13:29:43 GMT -5
I would not get your expectations too high. It is shockingly easy to pass the evaluations. My grandmother passed with flying colors despite the fact it was clear she could not take care of herself. The tests measured her spatial reasoning which was excellent. The tests do not measure your ability to take care of yourself. If your mom is having a good day the day she takes the test she will pass. There is also a tendency of whoever is administering the test to spoon feed or just be like "good enough" on the answer. My dad was floored when he attended one because he couldn't believe they kept saying she was fine mentally. Now we know why, She freaking fell and busted her shoulder and the doctor STILL wanted to send her home! The nurses and EMTs had to back my dad up on the condition she was in when admitted as proof she could not be safely discharged home. My dad had to flat out refuse to take her home and told me not to answer my phone. It still took several weeks before their hand was forced and they had to find a place to send her. That is one time I am thankful we're a small family they ran out of people to bully. I mean I get that we don't want people to be able to just lock grandma up and take her house from her anytime they please but JFC. The bar is TOO high IMO and the tests need to be revised to reflect current data and understanding of declining mental capacity. The ability to care for yourself should be on there. My grandma was leaving paper towels/toilet paper in the bathroom covered in poop. It was like a horror movie in that house when we found her on Thanksgiving. That is NOT someone who is competent enough to be safely living on their own I don't care if they can draw hands on a damn clock. Even moving her into some kind of assisted living facility the cost is over $5,000 per month. with her income and a house worth about $250,000 or so, that money will be gone shockingly fast. It is not like there is a reasonable expectation that we will be able to "take grandma's house" to use for anything but her own care. Oh I know. My grandma's house money didn't even last a year. It's the laws that are the problem. Given what used to happen in the good Ole days I get why things are the way they are on an ethical level. But on a practical level times have changed. My grandma lived 45 minutes away. We can't up and quit our jobs to live with her. Home care is even less affordable and accessible than nursing homes. Then medicine has yet to reflect our current understanding of mental decline. I believe I read an article about they want personal care/hygiene added to the screening because that is one of the first signs and often comes before spatial decline but it hasn't happened. As it stands my grandma would still have every right to live out there in filth if we hadn't been able to force the hospital's hand in an emergency. She was probably hours if not minutes away from death when we found her and they still called us to take her home five days later! Honestly your best bet and I know it's hard trust me is to get your mom to willingly move to a senior apartment preferably one attached to a nursing home so she can move as she continues to age. I do hope the evaluation goes your way I'm just warning you not to hope too much. It often takes a major event to get things to move and even then the hospital, doctors and every peon in-between will fight you on it.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Feb 5, 2024 14:30:34 GMT -5
Ah, bean29...Welcome to the dementia journey. It was nearly 5.5 years ago when I started this thread with two parents experiencing dementia but I didn't know it back then. I was at the end of my rope without much support. The group here helped a lot but I didn't take very good care of myself and needed to get therapy for the last year. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and still have some guilty feelings. I've mentioned this before but one of the best books I read was Being Human. People make choices, not necessarily the best ones and you're not responsible for those bad choices. Setting boundaries and walking away when people get abusive is the only way to preserve your own sanity. You're in my thoughts and I know you are super strong. You will get through this. We're here for you. Which author? I found several book titled "Being Human."
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 5, 2024 15:26:14 GMT -5
Ah, bean29 ...Welcome to the dementia journey. It was nearly 5.5 years ago when I started this thread with two parents experiencing dementia but I didn't know it back then. I was at the end of my rope without much support. The group here helped a lot but I didn't take very good care of myself and needed to get therapy for the last year. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and still have some guilty feelings. I've mentioned this before but one of the best books I read was Being Human. People make choices, not necessarily the best ones and you're not responsible for those bad choices. Setting boundaries and walking away when people get abusive is the only way to preserve your own sanity. You're in my thoughts and I know you are super strong. You will get through this. We're here for you. Which author? I found several book titled "Being Human." Sorry, I mis-remembered. It's called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. He's a physican and it's the story about caring for his Dad.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 5, 2024 15:36:28 GMT -5
Ah, bean29 ...Welcome to the dementia journey. It was nearly 5.5 years ago when I started this thread with two parents experiencing dementia but I didn't know it back then. I was at the end of my rope without much support. The group here helped a lot but I didn't take very good care of myself and needed to get therapy for the last year. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and still have some guilty feelings. I've mentioned this before but one of the best books I read was Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. People make choices, not necessarily the best ones and you're not responsible for those bad choices. Setting boundaries and walking away when people get abusive is the only way to preserve your own sanity. You're in my thoughts and I know you are super strong. You will get through this. We're here for you. The hardest thing I did was set a boundary with my sister and tell her until he got proper care I would only do x, y and z. That was about the time dad's doctor okayed hospice care but said at their evaluation they would not care for him in an independent living situation. He would need to be in assisted living or have 24 hour care before they came in. Sister still was shocked when the hospital would only release to nursing home. Yes, I have PTSD over the entire situation and I will never forgive her because she says she did nothing wrong.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Feb 5, 2024 18:18:21 GMT -5
Thanks, Bonny!
My father died ten years ago last month. Between lupus, Covid and everything else, putting myself back together has been brutal. Like life, so much of it is two steps forward, one step back and that's on the good days!
People have the freedom and the right to make very bad decisions for themselves until they are physically unable to return home or such time as they are found to be incompetent. Unfortunately, all that any of us can do is our best in caring for our elderly family members. I think that it is so easy right now to say that we will be different . But will we? Or is it kind of like parenting in that we won't really understand all of it until we are there?
There are no fast and easy solutions to any of this.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 5, 2024 18:55:28 GMT -5
I know I will fight going to a nursing home or assisted living. I will not go willingly.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 5, 2024 19:18:41 GMT -5
I'd like to avoid nursing home care if I can but I don't want to burden my kids either.
Hopefully I can downsize and plan before that. There are lots of rent controlled senior apartments here.
My grandma could have easily afforded one just on her SS. With all the accessories like full cable TV.
They had a Cafe and a dining room and if you wanted they'd even make favorite dishes on request to be delivered to you.
A bus to take you wherever you wanted it you couldn't drive. Activities if you wanted.
All matienence done by the facility.
It's just like renting your own apartment but with elders in mind.
You did have to meet certain criteria regarding being able to live independently which my grandma would at the time.
They had an affiliated nursing home you automatically got a spot in if you needed it.
My mom asked if she could move in instead!
Grandma also could have sold her house and move here into a house. Paid cash and had plenty with home care since we'd be able to assist.
Instead she was convinced my mom was trying to steal her money and lock her away and somehow conned my dad into agreeing. She decided cheap property taxes were a higher priority than living in a city with services. Treanor doesn't even have a grocery store and none here delivers out there my mom checked.
She ended up falling and having no choice. My dad and I have been living the nightmare cleaning up her mess ever since. I won't even get started on GU I've said more than enough about that on here.
So while I can't control for everything I sure as hell won't spit in my kids face and expect them to deal with it and basically tell them the only reason they exist on this Earth is because I am owed free elder care.
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Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
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Post by Bonny on Feb 6, 2024 11:26:09 GMT -5
Thanks, Bonny! My father died ten years ago last month. Between lupus, Covid and everything else, putting myself back together has been brutal. Like life, so much of it is two steps forward, one step back and that's on the good days! People have the freedom and the right to make very bad decisions for themselves until they are physically unable to return home or such time as they are found to be incompetent. Unfortunately, all that any of us can do is our best in caring for our elderly family members. I think that it is so easy right now to say that we will be different . But will we? Or is it kind of like parenting in that we won't really understand all of it until we are there?There are no fast and easy solutions to any of this. I think this is true although if you've gone through it with a parent I think you can take a couple of positions; 1. Been through it and won't put my kids through it or 2. I went through it and now (kid) it's your turn. My father and MIL never really did any caregiving. Both of their remaining parents went willingly into assisted living. Since DH and I don't have kids we have fewer options and hopefully can do some planning ahead. Unfortunately reality has a way of biting you in the *ass!
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Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
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Post by Bonny on Feb 6, 2024 11:28:42 GMT -5
Ah, bean29 ...Welcome to the dementia journey. It was nearly 5.5 years ago when I started this thread with two parents experiencing dementia but I didn't know it back then. I was at the end of my rope without much support. The group here helped a lot but I didn't take very good care of myself and needed to get therapy for the last year. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and still have some guilty feelings. I've mentioned this before but one of the best books I read was Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. People make choices, not necessarily the best ones and you're not responsible for those bad choices. Setting boundaries and walking away when people get abusive is the only way to preserve your own sanity. You're in my thoughts and I know you are super strong. You will get through this. We're here for you. The hardest thing I did was set a boundary with my sister and tell her until he got proper care I would only do x, y and z. That was about the time dad's doctor okayed hospice care but said at their evaluation they would not care for him in an independent living situation. He would need to be in assisted living or have 24 hour care before they came in. Sister still was shocked when the hospital would only release to nursing home. Yes, I have PTSD over the entire situation and I will never forgive her because she says she did nothing wrong. Some people are just clueless or so self absorbed. I really had to assert myself with my brother because I don't think he realized that Dad had dementia and was just making stuff up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,281
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2024 11:51:58 GMT -5
The hardest thing I did was set a boundary with my sister and tell her until he got proper care I would only do x, y and z. That was about the time dad's doctor okayed hospice care but said at their evaluation they would not care for him in an independent living situation. He would need to be in assisted living or have 24 hour care before they came in. Sister still was shocked when the hospital would only release to nursing home. Yes, I have PTSD over the entire situation and I will never forgive her because she says she did nothing wrong. Some people are just clueless or so self absorbed. I really had to assert myself with my brother because I don't think he realized that Dad had dementia and was just making stuff up. I doubt she remembers saying it but I was blown away when my grandma finally said that she seems to have made a mess for me and dad. Before that it's been a constant battle with her. I snapped at her one day and told her you don't get a vote anymore grandma I'm in charge and this would not have happened if you listened to us. Their whole entire plan was my dad. Just my dad. Both of them. It's absolutely bonkers to me and they didn't see any reason why it was wrong. GU took care of great grandma all by himself so why shouldn't my dad devote the rest of his waking years catering to them? Dad told me smother him with a pillow he doesn't want to burden me with putting him a home. After he joked about that Abby's Polly Pocket flew off the shelf at me. I told him I don't think mom thought that was funny.
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TheOtherMe
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Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
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Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 6, 2024 12:13:18 GMT -5
The hardest thing I did was set a boundary with my sister and tell her until he got proper care I would only do x, y and z. That was about the time dad's doctor okayed hospice care but said at their evaluation they would not care for him in an independent living situation. He would need to be in assisted living or have 24 hour care before they came in. Sister still was shocked when the hospital would only release to nursing home. Yes, I have PTSD over the entire situation and I will never forgive her because she says she did nothing wrong. Some people are just clueless or so self absorbed. I really had to assert myself with my brother because I don't think he realized that Dad had dementia and was just making stuff up. The death certificate says dementia has cause of death. She wanted to get it "fixed". I don't think she believes dad had dementia to this day.
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finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,452
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Post by finnime on Feb 6, 2024 14:46:15 GMT -5
I refuse to go into a nursing home except for a temporary rehabilitation. This whole discussion brings me to think about my mother. She wanted to leave the assisted living arrangement she was in, which included medication provision and so was paid in part by Medicare. When my 3 brothers and sister (I was in another state) refused to bring her back to her house, she packed a suitcase, called a taxi and had him drive her, a distance of 80 miles or so. We were all stunned. Where she was was a very nice place.
But she was determined not to end her days there. She said she could look around and see what her future would be, and was not having it. She did need the supports there to live reasonably. My ODB wound up living with her, but he worked full time. My DSis helped, too, but she was both working and raising 2 sons, and going to school for her teaching credentials. Mom lived for another 2 years before she entered the hospital for the last 8 days of her life.
I don't know what I'd do in the same situation. I would not want either of my children to put their life on hold for me. But I will not enter a nursing home.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Feb 6, 2024 15:41:05 GMT -5
I understand not wanting to be in a facility but unless one has the funds for in home care, options are limited. I only had aides to assist with my grandma 16 hours a day and it was still almost $3,000 for the week I had them. It took me a day or so to get them set up and I called them off on the last day because I knew it was the end. These were also not trained/certified people. They were from "groups" recommended by the hospice agency. I was writing checks to the aides themselves.
I was fortunate to have flexibility in my job and the time off to cover the hours I couldn't work. In total from when she had the heart attack and went to the hospital to her burial service was only three weeks. I made that work. A long term thing would be a bigger problem and not something I could do.
I don't know what the fix is. It's pretty hard to save up enough cash to cover that kind of long term care.
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jerseygirl
Senior Member
Joined: May 13, 2018 7:43:08 GMT -5
Posts: 4,797
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Post by jerseygirl on Feb 6, 2024 15:53:20 GMT -5
Aides from an agency are very expensive and in my experience not good. Had some with my mom. I found private ladies who lived in and were excellent. And much less costly. I’ve had a live in I’m callling her a housekeeper for about a half year. I pay her $250/day Had woman who lived in for my disabled sister for 6 years. I’m sure sister wouldn’t have survived 6 months in a nursing home. Most elder care doesn’t require skilled nursing skillls. But family needs to take care of arranging doctor visits, set up medications. Some of the ladies drive and can drive to grocery or to doctor visits. I use grocery delivery service
The women I’ve been using come from a Russian province. My neighbor who speaks Russian introduced me to first of them. Very hard working , strong, honest good cooks and caring women. Another group was from Nigeria who helped my sister for about 6 months. They had green cards.
Agency ladies I used briefly for mom were lazy and didn’t even ask mom if she wanted a cup of tea. Watched phone or tv and grudgingly made a meal.
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raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,745
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 6, 2024 15:55:45 GMT -5
Dgf lived 7 years after going into an assisted living, and dgm 9 years. My mom and cousin kept them in their home as long as possible.
I really wanted to move dgm home with me after dgf passed away, not realizing how much more at home care cost. And as much as I wanted that time with her, I couldn't have done that care.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,281
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2024 16:03:10 GMT -5
Don't get me started on the agency people that were taking care of my GU. Freaking robbed him and stole the damn truck. We're still not sure how they managed to register the truck. My dad had a friend of his who used to work for "top men" trace the truck. Apparently you can just go into the DMV and say someone sold you a car and bam they register it even without proof. Or they conned him into signing something with him being blind and he didn't ask my dad to check it out first. They regularly ate all his groceries and took all the petty cash my dad would leave for such things. My dad raised hell and all the agency would do is shrug. We couldn't bring them up on charges because there was "no proof" it was them. My dad was getting ready to install security cameras right before GU fell again and we had to go the abandoned adult route with the hospital instead. We got lucky they never found the coin collection. Took us three days to find it ourselves. They were lazy too not following the directions given by his doctor and PT. It was such a mess. Agencies are supposed to be able to be reported to the state but when my dad called to complain he was told by Nebraska DHS it wasn't their problem. For all the administration headaches the nursing home staff themselves have been great. But then you read about stories like in Florida where that home flooded and they just abandoned all those patients. Elder care is such a crap shoot. As much as I miss my mother and how upsetting it was how she went maybe that was the better way to go out than slowly fading away in a home like my grandma. I also got extended family that has lived to be 102. My great great great great grandfather lived to be 103. They all lived at home clear until the day they died, fully functional outside of the fact they were over 100 years old. So who knows. I'll plan for the worst as best I can to make it easier on my kids then pray it never happens.
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