Pink Cashmere
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 24, 2022 16:18:40 GMT -5
Posts: 4,477
|
Post by Pink Cashmere on Oct 20, 2023 14:22:21 GMT -5
I think how people feel and react when we die says a lot about how we lived.
My Grandmother’s husband was crazy. Not mentally ill, I don’t call people with mental illness crazy. He was just a terrible person in a lot of ways. At his funeral, his nieces and nephews tried to say nice things about him. Finally, his brother, who was a Pastor, spoke and the first thing he said was “I’m going to just tell the truth. *Nickname* was HELL”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said, but I remember that part, because it was true, and I was shocked that the preacher in the family was the one to say it.
At one point, I had tears on my face and my cousin that was sitting next to me whispered Are you CRYING?! I giggled and said “girl hush, it s a funeral, I can’t help it.” None of us were really sad, even though my Grandmother had been married to him since before I was born. I don’t think my Grandmother was even really sad.
That was pretty much the weirdest funeral I’ve ever been to.
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,389
|
Post by NastyWoman on Oct 20, 2023 14:42:28 GMT -5
I think how people feel and react when we die says a lot about how we lived. My Grandmother’s husband was crazy. Not mentally ill, I don’t call people with mental illness crazy. He was just a terrible person in a lot of ways. At his funeral, his nieces and nephews tried to say nice things about him. Finally, his brother, who was a Pastor, spoke and the first thing he said was “I’m going to just tell the truth. *Nickname* was HELL”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said, but I remember that part, because it was true, and I was shocked that the preacher in the family was the one to say it. At one point, I had tears on my face and my cousin that was sitting next to me whispered Are you CRYING?! I giggled and said “girl hush, it s a funeral, I can’t help it.” None of us were really sad, even though my Grandmother had been married to him since before I was born. I don’t think my Grandmother was even really sad.
That was pretty much the weirdest funeral I’ve ever been to. That is a really sad statement. Not inappropriate mind you, but sad. I truly hope that when I die I have lived my life in such a way that people are at least a bit sad that I'll be gone forever. And a bit happy that they have known me as well. I better watch myself as I age so I won't become one of those nasty old biddies. An old biddy sure - but not nasty.
|
|
Pink Cashmere
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 24, 2022 16:18:40 GMT -5
Posts: 4,477
|
Post by Pink Cashmere on Oct 20, 2023 18:32:21 GMT -5
I think how people feel and react when we die says a lot about how we lived. My Grandmother’s husband was crazy. Not mentally ill, I don’t call people with mental illness crazy. He was just a terrible person in a lot of ways. At his funeral, his nieces and nephews tried to say nice things about him. Finally, his brother, who was a Pastor, spoke and the first thing he said was “I’m going to just tell the truth. *Nickname* was HELL”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said, but I remember that part, because it was true, and I was shocked that the preacher in the family was the one to say it. At one point, I had tears on my face and my cousin that was sitting next to me whispered Are you CRYING?! I giggled and said “girl hush, it s a funeral, I can’t help it.” None of us were really sad, even though my Grandmother had been married to him since before I was born. I don’t think my Grandmother was even really sad.
That was pretty much the weirdest funeral I’ve ever been to. That is a really sad statement. Not inappropriate mind you, but sad. I truly hope that when I die I have lived my life in such a way that people are at least a bit sad that I'll be gone forever. And a bit happy that they have known me as well. I better watch myself as I age so I won't become one of those nasty old biddies. An old biddy sure - but not nasty. Well, he was a horrible person even when he was young. My Grandmother has always said that he was a good husband the first decade they were married, which was before I was born. By then, he wasn’t a good husband and he wasn’t even a good person. I like “old” people, probably because I was around them a lot when I was a child. Even if they have gotten to be ornery, I still like them, since in my mind if a person has spent their whole adult life being a good person and taking care of their responsibilities, at some point they get to just be them. BUT “ornery” is NOT the same as “mean”. My definition of “ornery” is just speaking their mind without trying to figure out how to say it nicely, and being honest about what they do or don’t want to do or deal with, but NOT being a boor or an asshole about it. I agree with you 100% on your post.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,231
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 20, 2023 19:34:32 GMT -5
Bonny When our next door neighbor died, his son gave the eulogy. He started out by saying the quiet part out loud. Everybody here knows what kind of man, husband and father he was and it wasn't good. He damaged his wife and children tremendously and it has to be said. He said he never heard his father say he loved him until after he had to commit the oldest son. He had schizophrenia and was living with them and he beat up his mother. After that the father went to court and succeeded in getting him committed. His wife, who was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, would not stay home if he was the only one there. It has to be very hard to do that. Kevin said he doesn't think his dad understood how short and difficult life can be until that happened. In the meantime, he had done great harm to the rest of his family. I hope I am not remembered like that.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,364
|
Post by giramomma on Oct 21, 2023 8:57:30 GMT -5
Theo, trust me, you won't. That is the one plus of my mom's choices. She's alienated everyone. When the time comes, and if I'm taking care of things..there will be no need for a funeral. I suppose it could feel cathartic to say all the things I can't right now. But, based on my dad's passing, I don't think there could be a need.
I can't imagine having such a small, insignificant life that my existence one way or the other isn't noticed.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,231
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 21, 2023 12:13:56 GMT -5
I can't imagine having such a small, insignificant life that my existence one way or the other isn't noticed.
There are times when I feel this has been my life.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,364
|
Post by giramomma on Oct 21, 2023 12:31:39 GMT -5
I can't imagine having such a small, insignificant life that my existence one way or the other isn't noticed.
There are times when I feel this has been my life. My friend, to me it blows that you feel like that. From what you've shared here, I don't think that is true at all.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,733
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 21, 2023 12:53:55 GMT -5
There are times when I feel this has been my life. My friend, to me it blows that you feel like that. From what you've shared here, I don't think that is true at all. I was thinking the same thing. You just said it better.
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,451
|
Post by finnime on Oct 21, 2023 14:47:11 GMT -5
TheOtherMe, your life has significance and impact in ways you cannot see. Trust me.
|
|
mollyanna58
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 13:20:45 GMT -5
Posts: 6,670
|
Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 21, 2023 15:15:26 GMT -5
TheOtherMe , your life has significance and impact in ways you cannot see. Trust me.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,231
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 21, 2023 16:10:50 GMT -5
Thank you friends. Thank you so very much.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Oct 21, 2023 17:09:55 GMT -5
I can't imagine having such a small, insignificant life that my existence one way or the other isn't noticed.
There are times when I feel this has been my life. You're not alone thinking that way even though it's not true. I'm sure I'm not the only one who values the contributions you've made here...and I suspect in RL.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,601
|
Post by CCL on Oct 22, 2023 0:21:09 GMT -5
I can't imagine having such a small, insignificant life that my existence one way or the other isn't noticed.
There are times when I feel this has been my life.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,868
|
Post by zibazinski on Nov 1, 2023 20:30:12 GMT -5
When my mother died, the only ones that spoke were her symphony group, her garden club, and her Scottish society. I think they were surprised that no family members spoke but they didn’t know the real person. I want to be remembered like my dad and a few other people I knew. That years after their death, they’re still remembered with love. When my mom died, the family breathed a sigh of relief. I could not have cared less and the only reason I attended was that DH pressured me so much that I gave in. But he had a different relationship with his parents and had a hard time understanding the situation with my mom. I’m watching my daughter in law trying to please her bitch of a mother unsuccessfully and I feel for her but she’ll have to get to the same point I did and it took me until my 50’s to do it. My son doesn’t understand why she tries to get her mom to love her and when I try to explain, he’s clueless as he has no frame of reference.
|
|
Pink Cashmere
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 24, 2022 16:18:40 GMT -5
Posts: 4,477
|
Post by Pink Cashmere on Nov 1, 2023 21:29:47 GMT -5
When my mother died, the only ones that spoke were her symphony group, her garden club, and her Scottish society. I think they were surprised that no family members spoke but they didn’t know the real person. I want to be remembered like my dad and a few other people I knew. That years after their death, they’re still remembered with love. When my mom died, the family breathed a sigh of relief. I could not have cared less and the only reason I attended was that DH pressured me so much that I gave in. But he had a different relationship with his parents and had a hard time understanding the situation with my mom. I’m watching my daughter in law trying to please her bitch of a mother unsuccessfully and I feel for her but she’ll have to get to the same point I did and it took me until my 50’s to do it. My son doesn’t understand why she tries to get her mom to love her and when I try to explain, he’s clueless as he has no frame of reference. Both of Mister’s parents are remembered fondly by people who knew them. A lot of his coworkers from before he retired had good things they felt and wanted to share abiut him. So did pastors and members of churches that he’d played music for over the years. I think the most important thing though, was that young men the same ages as Mister and his brother, talked about the positive impact Mister’s parents had in their lives. They spoke formally or just through conversations, about how Mister’s parents were always there for them, as a listening ear, or offering advice, or praying with and for them. They were Mister and/or his brother’s friends when they were children, and Mister’s parents embraced them in a way that they formed relationships that lasted until the parents died. Even though Mr. Messy became very ornery and problematic during the months before he died, and they were not “perfect” people in some ways, I think the positive impact he and his wife had on so many lives, so much that so many people were/are willing to speak on it…… especially young men, in an area where so many young men go sideways, is an awesome legacy.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Nov 2, 2023 9:44:32 GMT -5
Even though Mr. Messy became very ornery and problematic during the months before he died, and they were not “perfect” people in some ways, I think the positive impact he and his wife had on so many lives, so much that so many people were/are willing to speak on it…… especially young men, in an area where so many young men go sideways, is an awesome legacy. Beautiful!
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,389
|
Post by NastyWoman on Nov 3, 2023 14:26:07 GMT -5
When my mother died, the only ones that spoke were her symphony group, her garden club, and her Scottish society. I think they were surprised that no family members spoke but they didn’t know the real person. I want to be remembered like my dad and a few other people I knew. That years after their death, they’re still remembered with love. When my mom died, the family breathed a sigh of relief. I could not have cared less and the only reason I attended was that DH pressured me so much that I gave in. But he had a different relationship with his parents and had a hard time understanding the situation with my mom. I’m watching my daughter in law trying to please her bitch of a mother unsuccessfully and I feel for her but she’ll have to get to the same point I did and it took me until my 50’s to do it. My son doesn’t understand why she tries to get her mom to love her and when I try to explain, he’s clueless as he has no frame of reference. zibazinski with those few words you have proven that you were and are a wonderful mother. None of us is perfect (and if anyone here thinks they are kindly shut up. I won't believe you anyway) but love has no substitute and you obviously provided that in spades.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,868
|
Post by zibazinski on Nov 5, 2023 19:34:29 GMT -5
When my mother died, the only ones that spoke were her symphony group, her garden club, and her Scottish society. I think they were surprised that no family members spoke but they didn’t know the real person. I want to be remembered like my dad and a few other people I knew. That years after their death, they’re still remembered with love. When my mom died, the family breathed a sigh of relief. I could not have cared less and the only reason I attended was that DH pressured me so much that I gave in. But he had a different relationship with his parents and had a hard time understanding the situation with my mom. I’m watching my daughter in law trying to please her bitch of a mother unsuccessfully and I feel for her but she’ll have to get to the same point I did and it took me until my 50’s to do it. My son doesn’t understand why she tries to get her mom to love her and when I try to explain, he’s clueless as he has no frame of reference. zibazinski with those few words you have proven that you were and are a wonderful mother. None of us is perfect (and if anyone here thinks they are kindly shut up. I won't believe you anyway) but love has no substitute and you obviously provided that in spades. Thank you. I’ve tried to be the mother i always wanted and needed. Of course since my kids were raised better, I’m sure they think I’m weird and smothering. 😂
|
|
bookkeeper
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 30, 2012 13:40:42 GMT -5
Posts: 1,698
|
Post by bookkeeper on Dec 14, 2023 22:35:34 GMT -5
So here's a twist I didn't see coming. My 86 year old mother has one brother. Two days ago his wife died. Today my uncle, Mom's brother died. I am not close with this part of her family. Mom is 86 years old and having her last winter at the trailer park in Texas. I am encouraging her to move into assisted living in the spring. She wants to go to the funeral, in Iowa, in January. She is convinced she has friends to do her bidding in Iowa and get her to the funeral.
She called today wanting me to book her a flight. I suggested we wait until funeral arrangements are announced. She will know exactly three people at this funeral. She hasn't seen any of these three for over 15 to 20 years.
She is stubborn and could just get a travel agent to do her bidding. Hopefully my youngest brother will step up and take her. Or better yet, she comes to her senses and stays put. She was pretty lucky to be healthy enough to go to Texas. A trip to Iowa may not be in the cards for her.
|
|
bean29
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 9,947
|
Post by bean29 on Dec 15, 2023 9:56:59 GMT -5
So here's a twist I didn't see coming. My 86 year old mother has one brother. Two days ago his wife died. Today my uncle, Mom's brother died. I am not close with this part of her family. Mom is 86 years old and having her last winter at the trailer park in Texas. I am encouraging her to move into assisted living in the spring. She wants to go to the funeral, in Iowa, in January. She is convinced she has friends to do her bidding in Iowa and get her to the funeral. She called today wanting me to book her a flight. I suggested we wait until funeral arrangements are announced. She will know exactly three people at this funeral. She hasn't seen any of these three for over 15 to 20 years. She is stubborn and could just get a travel agent to do her bidding. Hopefully my youngest brother will step up and take her. Or better yet, she comes to her senses and stays put. She was pretty lucky to be healthy enough to go to Texas. A trip to Iowa may not be in the cards for her. I am sorry for your loss(es). I have been choosing to go to local funerals with my mom (85) for several years now. When she was still traveling (4-5 years ago), I made time to go with her because I did not want her going through airports/security and arranging for local transportation on her own. Traveling in winter is not the best. My dad was buried in WI on January 20th 10 years ago and it was bitter cold (6 degrees). I would agree that it would be best she stay home, but if she refuses, a family member should attend with her imho.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 15, 2023 10:24:49 GMT -5
So here's a twist I didn't see coming. My 86 year old mother has one brother. Two days ago his wife died. Today my uncle, Mom's brother died. I am not close with this part of her family. Mom is 86 years old and having her last winter at the trailer park in Texas. I am encouraging her to move into assisted living in the spring. She wants to go to the funeral, in Iowa, in January. She is convinced she has friends to do her bidding in Iowa and get her to the funeral. She called today wanting me to book her a flight. I suggested we wait until funeral arrangements are announced. She will know exactly three people at this funeral. She hasn't seen any of these three for over 15 to 20 years. She is stubborn and could just get a travel agent to do her bidding. Hopefully my youngest brother will step up and take her. Or better yet, she comes to her senses and stays put. She was pretty lucky to be healthy enough to go to Texas. A trip to Iowa may not be in the cards for her. I don't know if this situation is helpful but as I believe I mentioned upthread, DH's 82 year-old aunt wanted to take some of MIL's things across country. She was convinced that the best way to do this was for her and her grandson to fly into Portland, OR and drive across country in a U-haul...with one of the Corgis. Her son and grandson told her no. I convinced her to take some smaller items with her when she came out for the memorial service. Of course she forgot them and now I'm stuck shipping them to her. The lesser of two evils in my opinon.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 15, 2023 10:27:10 GMT -5
Here's a thought...can the funeral director do a Zoom or similar meeting?
DH's cousin did a video and DH got some statements from friends/family who couldn't attend but wanted to share thoughts at the memorial.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,231
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 15, 2023 11:17:14 GMT -5
One of my cousins died in late December a few years ago. During a below zero cold snap.
Dad insisted on going but after the service, everyone except immediate family went straight to the reception because it was so cold. That is what the funeral home insisted on doing because of the cold weather.
Doing Zoom sounds like the best idea to me. I don't think she should travel by herself either. Funeral homes were doing all Zoom for a long time.
|
|
bookkeeper
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 30, 2012 13:40:42 GMT -5
Posts: 1,698
|
Post by bookkeeper on Dec 15, 2023 15:37:15 GMT -5
Yes, I think we could get a live stream on the service. Since the funerals will be scheduled after the holidays, the family must have had a quick burial or cremation.
I don't think she should risk travel by herself either.
|
|
bookkeeper
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 30, 2012 13:40:42 GMT -5
Posts: 1,698
|
Post by bookkeeper on Dec 16, 2023 23:42:11 GMT -5
Mom called today and wanted to book airfare to go to Iowa. I reminded her that I was going on a non-refundable vacation in January and would not be in the loop. I encouraged her to visit with my brother who lives in Iowa. He must have said the magic words, because she called this evening to say she is going to stay put in TX.
I felt a little bad not making this happen for her. However, I reminded her that I had taken her to Iowa twice last summer and she had not wanted to visit any of the dearly departed.
If we all lived where we grew up, it would not be a big deal. Day trip to the funeral and home. Easy peasy, except we are all 1800 to 2000 miles apart for the winter.
We all make our choices. You can have anything you want, but can't have everything you want.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,231
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 17, 2023 11:03:08 GMT -5
Whatever your brother said, I am happy he said it.
Cemeteries are the highlight of my trips but I love genealogy and the past.
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,832
|
Post by taz157 on Dec 27, 2023 3:44:19 GMT -5
Looks like I’ll be joining this thread.
Background: My FIL will be 89 in 2 months and my MIL is 82. They live 3.5 hours away from us while my DH’s siblings live about 2-2.5 hours away from them. They retired to this place almost 24 years ago. It’s a one-story house, but does have a small set of stairs to get into the house, but no stairs while inside the house. FIL can walk without assistance while MIL does use a walker or cane more. DH’s brother does have a 2nd home about 25 minutes away from them that he goes to almost every weekend. He doesn’t visit his parents every weekend but he does pop by periodically. It’s been a few months since we were last at his parents. We were going to go sometime this week, but holding off until the weekend after New Year’s because I got Covid (tested positive 2 days before Christmas). One sister hardly visits while his other sister may visit a tad more than us.
DH and I spoke with his parents on Christmas to wish them a Merry Christmas. While on the phone with them, MIL mentioned that she fell that day. They called BIL to pick her up since he was in town (he and his wife were by earlier in the day). Yesterday, BIL called his parents to see if they needed anything and the phone was disconnected. BIL drove by and talked with them. FIL was still sleeping but MIL was awake. Needless to say, the phone bill hadn’t been paid for 2 months. BIL called the phone company and got it reconnected. This isn’t the first time something has been disconnected for non-payment (cable happened pretty recently too).
BIL called and spoke to my DH earlier to tell him about other things he’s noticed at his parent’s house in addition to the phone. BIL had already spoken to their older 2 sisters (my DH is the 4th of 4 kids-BIL is 3rd of the 4 but does the most for them). Both sisters had noticed other things and one sister already researched some of what the county offers for the elderly (for a fee). In the end on our end, BIL wanted my thoughts/comments about Auto Pay for some of FIL/MIL’s monthly bills so that things aren’t turned off for non-payment and even help make sure everything is paid going forward. FIL had been against Auto Pay as he wants to see the check going out; however, it’s not going well. When we go up in over a week, I need to convince them on what to do.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,601
|
Post by CCL on Dec 27, 2023 7:10:44 GMT -5
Did they forget to pay the bills or did they just not have the money to pay them? If they forgot, then autopay could probably work well. If they didn't have the money to pay, that's a different issue.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,745
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 27, 2023 8:41:44 GMT -5
Unless you are unusually close to your in-laws I would have your dh push auto pay. Even if you're ultimately helping him with it, better for them to see its their kids handling their finances then in-laws imo.
|
|
wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:25:30 GMT -5
Posts: 21,719
|
Post by wvugurl26 on Dec 27, 2023 9:10:07 GMT -5
I was making sure my grandma's bills got paid for the last year. Auto pay would have been a better choice. However, utilities vary and when I really took over versus keeping an eye on it, she had little money left. My uncle had taken it all. So I needed to see them and make sure there was enough money first. Setting up online access and auto pay are good ideas.
|
|