countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Sept 3, 2023 19:35:04 GMT -5
I'm happy we are all through the parent drama. It was hard, financial issues not a problem with mom. We took care of it years before. For hubs mom it was a hassle, but got through it. Was tough dealing with her though, that was a mess. But we are done with that, now DD will or may be our next challenge.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Sept 5, 2023 10:20:30 GMT -5
B onny, I too am sorry about your family drama. Driving untrained injured dogs across the country to give to an elderly lady is, ok it's not the dumbest thing I've heard this week, but it's up there. Sheesh.Drama, your grandma won't say it so I will - thank you for all your hard work for her in the midst of other family and work stuff. Hugs if desired. OK people have come to their senses and the trip driving a U-Haul with the dogs isn't going to happen. Looks like the dogs are going to go to Corgi Rescue. Even though intellectually I know this is the right path I feel terrible. This is NOT what MIL would have wanted.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 5, 2023 13:28:20 GMT -5
Knowing it isn't what she would have wanted makes it more difficult. I think this is the right thing to do in your circumstances.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 5, 2023 13:43:37 GMT -5
B onny, I too am sorry about your family drama. Driving untrained injured dogs across the country to give to an elderly lady is, ok it's not the dumbest thing I've heard this week, but it's up there. Sheesh.Drama, your grandma won't say it so I will - thank you for all your hard work for her in the midst of other family and work stuff. Hugs if desired. OK people have come to their senses and the trip driving a U-Haul with the dogs isn't going to happen. Looks like the dogs are going to go to Corgi Rescue. Even though intellectually I know this is the right path I feel terrible. This is NOT what MIL would have wanted. The Corgi Rescue will make sure they get good forever homes or good foster homes. You don't have to worry about someone trying to give you the dogs back due to behavior problems or having to figure out what to do with them when yet another old person can't take care of them. It sounds like that is what is best for the dogs themselves. MIL isn't here, they are and are owed what is best for them regardless of the previous owners wishes. I get feeling guilty about it but do try not to.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Sept 5, 2023 15:05:08 GMT -5
Bonny- I am glad your family member came to their senses regarding the Corgi's.
NMD - you are a wonderful Granddaughter. Hopefully resolving the last few financial issues will not present any problems.
I was running late to take my mom to Church on Saturday, so I called Mom and told her I would meet here there. I walked up to the pew, and she looked at me and said, "Oh, I am sorry did I know you were coming? I told my husband about it on Sunday, and now he is on me telling me that DS and DB are going to have to step up and take her to church the weeks I can't go. I can't go on Saturday the 9th already (we are going to Chicago), although I am thinking about taking her to Chruch on Sunday am then taking DS out for her Birthday, but then I lose my whole weekend. Somethings she hold on to just fine. I called DB on Wed the 30th and asked him to order a new radio for my Mom, and Mom looked at me when I got off the phone and said well he is leaving for FL. I did not know that, but she knew that. He told me he will be back late tonight. I am glad he will be home b/c he often stops in to see my Mom during the week - he lives much closer to her than I do. But I am there 2-3 times a week too. I am sure I will be facing the same kind of issues as NMD. It is possible we should try to get her driveway fixed as that is not something we can do in this area after Mid-October as it is too cold for the Concrete to set. I really wish I could afford to retire and spend more time with my Mom, but it is just not a reality for us. We both need to work for the next 5-6 years to even come close to meeting our retirement goals/needs.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Sept 29, 2023 9:33:33 GMT -5
Planning a trip to visit my mother next weekend. She is paranoid and starting to lose track of things, and very very sensitive about it. Older brother has been staying with her for a bit here and it sounds like has had some good conversations. She has enough money, and is paying a reasonable AUM fee for Dad’s chosen advisors to manage it. She doesn’t have POA documents as yet. OB is thinking himself for financial POA and me for medical POA which makes sense. I don’t think any of us are inclined to fight over money and DH and I are comfortable fronting money in an emergency. OB lives in Europe so probably not the best choice for medical POA and I have the more relevant background anyway. YB is local but she’s decided he’s the devil She is living by herself in a two story house with laundry in the basement, which I don’t love. I think she’s careful on the stairs but would like to get her a smart speaker for the basement in case she should fall and not have her cell phone to hand, figuring she could tell Siri to call 911. Her paranoia makes it hard to have someone come by on a regular basis. OB found a HS friend that sounds acceptable to all sides for occasional checkins. Thoughts or suggestions?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 29, 2023 9:44:00 GMT -5
My mom looked into life alert for my grandmother and it's actually not that expensive for a subscription. It has a fall sensor that will automatically contact 911 if you don't respond/press the button within a certain amount of time.
My grandma would have strangled my dad with it. Maybe your mom might be open to it in exchange for she can continue to live in the house?
It's hard with check ins. My grandma's neighbors watched out for her but you don't want to burden them with the responsibility of having to look out for your relative. Care.com has elder care on it I believe maybe you could find a sitter who will come by to spend time with her/check in on a regular schedule.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 29, 2023 9:45:54 GMT -5
My dad has Life Line. It's like life alert. It's about $30 a month.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Sept 29, 2023 9:49:49 GMT -5
Planning a trip to visit my mother next weekend. She is paranoid and starting to lose track of things, and very very sensitive about it. Older brother has been staying with her for a bit here and it sounds like has had some good conversations. She has enough money, and is paying a reasonable AUM fee for Dad’s chosen advisors to manage it. She doesn’t have POA documents as yet. OB is thinking himself for financial POA and me for medical POA which makes sense. I don’t think any of us are inclined to fight over money and DH and I are comfortable fronting money in an emergency. OB lives in Europe so probably not the best choice for medical POA and I have the more relevant background anyway. YB is local but she’s decided he’s the devil She is living by herself in a two story house with laundry in the basement, which I don’t love. I think she’s careful on the stairs but would like to get her a smart speaker for the basement in case she should fall and not have her cell phone to hand, figuring she could tell Siri to call 911. Her paranoia makes it hard to have someone come by on a regular basis. OB found a HS friend that sounds acceptable to all sides for occasional checkins. Thoughts or suggestions? I'll start out with this is really hard. Has she had a recent trip to the doc and been tested neurologically? Paranoia is a common early sign for dementia in my experience But drug interactions are another. Best to be evaluated by an expert. Will she go to the doctor with you? It is understandable that she is sensitive. At some level she knows she's losing control and is embarrassed/in denial about it. Try to be kind and patient. Much easier said than done.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Sept 29, 2023 10:30:43 GMT -5
So, I mean, she’s always been paranoid so that by itself isn’t indicative We do think she’s lost a step or two but she’s not bad enough yet for guardianship. My concern is that lifeline or apple watch or whatever assumes that she will happen to be wearing it at the time of the hypothetical fall. I think a smart speaker that can be left plugged in and is always listening gets around these, as long as her iphone is in the house and at least somewhat charged. There is a landline at the base of the stairs on the main floor, and it’s also carpeted, so right or wrong I’m less worried about that. Basement is hard tile and no such amenities. I’ll see what she’s open to considering which is going to be the limiting factor. She has decided that YB is stealing things or going through her stuff (although she occasionally admits she knows he really isn’t). I think having a stranger come by is likely to be more trouble than it’s worth. The point of the HS friend is that it’s someone she recognizes and will accept. I’ll probably swallow my pride and ask BFF if I can pay her to stop by sometimes as well. I am not close to her by my choice but I want to make sure we have appropriate safeguards in place.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Sept 29, 2023 10:32:55 GMT -5
Planning a trip to visit my mother next weekend. She is paranoid and starting to lose track of things, and very very sensitive about it. Older brother has been staying with her for a bit here and it sounds like has had some good conversations. She has enough money, and is paying a reasonable AUM fee for Dad’s chosen advisors to manage it. She doesn’t have POA documents as yet. OB is thinking himself for financial POA and me for medical POA which makes sense. I don’t think any of us are inclined to fight over money and DH and I are comfortable fronting money in an emergency. OB lives in Europe so probably not the best choice for medical POA and I have the more relevant background anyway. YB is local but she’s decided he’s the devil She is living by herself in a two story house with laundry in the basement, which I don’t love. I think she’s careful on the stairs but would like to get her a smart speaker for the basement in case she should fall and not have her cell phone to hand, figuring she could tell Siri to call 911. Her paranoia makes it hard to have someone come by on a regular basis. OB found a HS friend that sounds acceptable to all sides for occasional checkins. Thoughts or suggestions? I'll start out with this is really hard. Has she had a recent trip to the doc and been tested neurologically? Paranoia is a common early sign for dementia in my experience But drug interactions are another. Best to be evaluated by an expert. Will she go to the doctor with you? It is understandable that she is sensitive. At some level she knows she's losing control and is embarrassed/in denial about it. Try to be kind and patient. Much easier said than done. this describes a significant part of her entire life… OB was going to try to take her to the doctor. I can ask what medications she is taking; I have enough background to look at them and assess whether that’s worth following up on.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Sept 29, 2023 10:57:43 GMT -5
So, I mean, she’s always been paranoid so that by itself isn’t indicative We do think she’s lost a step or two but she’s not bad enough yet for guardianship. My concern is that lifeline or apple watch or whatever assumes that she will happen to be wearing it at the time of the hypothetical fall. I think a smart speaker that can be left plugged in and is always listening gets around these, as long as her iphone is in the house and at least somewhat charged. There is a landline at the base of the stairs on the main floor, and it’s also carpeted, so right or wrong I’m less worried about that. Basement is hard tile and no such amenities. I’ll see what she’s open to considering which is going to be the limiting factor. She has decided that YB is stealing things or going through her stuff (although she occasionally admits she knows he really isn’t). I think having a stranger come by is likely to be more trouble than it’s worth. The point of the HS friend is that it’s someone she recognizes and will accept. I’ll probably swallow my pride and ask BFF if I can pay her to stop by sometimes as well. I am not close to her by my choice but I want to make sure we have appropriate safeguards in place. Mom keeps forgetting that her smart speaker can make a call for her. Every time it is "I didn't know they could do that". She also shuts her phone off all the time so the charge will last longer.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Sept 29, 2023 11:36:37 GMT -5
Good luck with your mom, lurkyloo. Paranoia is rough.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Sept 29, 2023 13:16:04 GMT -5
So, I mean, she’s always been paranoid so that by itself isn’t indicative We do think she’s lost a step or two but she’s not bad enough yet for guardianship. My concern is that lifeline or apple watch or whatever assumes that she will happen to be wearing it at the time of the hypothetical fall. I think a smart speaker that can be left plugged in and is always listening gets around these, as long as her iphone is in the house and at least somewhat charged. There is a landline at the base of the stairs on the main floor, and it’s also carpeted, so right or wrong I’m less worried about that. Basement is hard tile and no such amenities. I’ll see what she’s open to considering which is going to be the limiting factor. She has decided that YB is stealing things or going through her stuff (although she occasionally admits she knows he really isn’t). I think having a stranger come by is likely to be more trouble than it’s worth. The point of the HS friend is that it’s someone she recognizes and will accept. I’ll probably swallow my pride and ask BFF if I can pay her to stop by sometimes as well. I am not close to her by my choice but I want to make sure we have appropriate safeguards in place. Mom keeps forgetting that her smart speaker can make a call for her. Every time it is "I didn't know they could do that". She also shuts her phone off all the time so the charge will last longer. Logic can get interesting with the paranoia, no question. She is extremely motivated to stay in her house, so that will help. I suspect the conflict with YB arose largely bc his wife kept trying to push her to move into assisted living. So, anything I can frame as helping her stay put will be more likely to be received well. I think if she can get used to Siri that will help a lot. She also knows, even if she won’t admit it, that she’s on my bad side and bizarrely I think that makes her trust me more? But very possibly she just feels more comfortable bc I absolutely hate YB‘s wife…I don’t advertise it or respond when my mother starts badmouthing her, but she’s leery of OB bc she thinks he’s listening too much to YB‘s wife. Not a risk with me. My birth family is awesome
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Sept 29, 2023 22:23:31 GMT -5
Lurkyloo if she already has a landline, can an extension be put into the basement? It doesn’t have to have a phone jack, it could be a cordless phone extension.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Oct 3, 2023 21:38:24 GMT -5
I'm just thinking reading that title, hubs and I are the aging parents, LOL! Hard for me to believe.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 4, 2023 11:21:09 GMT -5
I'm just thinking reading that title, hubs and I are the aging parents, LOL! Hard for me to believe. It's hard to believe our parents are aging, too. For some reason, getting close to being 80 is a thing that is making me pause. None of my grandparents made it that long. And if my inlaws aren't moving, you wouldn't think they were close to 80.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2023 13:02:31 GMT -5
I'm just thinking reading that title, hubs and I are the aging parents, LOL! Hard for me to believe. It's hard to believe our parents are aging, too. For some reason, getting close to being 80 is a thing that is making me pause. None of my grandparents made it that long. And if my inlaws aren't moving, you wouldn't think they were close to 80.
I see this from the other side: my middle aged "kids" find it far too scary to be willing to talk about what to do when I die. And while that may be still a few decades away chances are it won't be. Yet, if I try to bring it up they walk off. So that leaves me grappling to find the best/easiest way for them to deal with what will inevitably happen. Aging is not for the weak...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 4, 2023 13:42:40 GMT -5
It's hard to believe our parents are aging, too. For some reason, getting close to being 80 is a thing that is making me pause. None of my grandparents made it that long. And if my inlaws aren't moving, you wouldn't think they were close to 80.
I see this from the other side: my middle aged "kids" find it far too scary to be willing to talk about what to do when I die. And while that may be still a few decades away chances are it won't be. Yet, if I try to bring it up they walk off. So that leaves me grappling to find the best/easiest way for them to deal with what will inevitably happen. Aging is not for the weak... Yeah. We don't really have that issue. DH went in met with the lawyers that worked on this last round of wills, etc for my inlaws. They've preplanned their funeral, and tell us when they've changed their minds on things. They also don't give us warning in the conversations. So it's like "Hey, did you see the local sports team? Oh, we decided to be cremated now. Can you believe this other local sports team?"
I can't bring much up of anything with my mom because she's paranoid. She'll just assume I was trying to poison her food, even though there's 100 miles between us and I have no way to enter her house. I really wish I were kidding.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 4, 2023 13:53:58 GMT -5
It's hard to believe our parents are aging, too. For some reason, getting close to being 80 is a thing that is making me pause. None of my grandparents made it that long. And if my inlaws aren't moving, you wouldn't think they were close to 80.
I see this from the other side: my middle aged "kids" find it far too scary to be willing to talk about what to do when I die. And while that may be still a few decades away chances are it won't be. Yet, if I try to bring it up they walk off. So that leaves me grappling to find the best/easiest way for them to deal with what will inevitably happen. Aging is not for the weak... I have an entire manifesto I have gone over with my dad entitled "Shit you are NOT going to do to me when you get old or so help me God"
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2023 14:28:55 GMT -5
My problem is that, while I have a will and a revocable trust in place, these were set up when we all lived in the same country. Right now, between the three of us, we live in three different continents with very different inheritance laws. So my plan is to wait with dying until at least after I have moved to Germany. Then get my shit in order as soon as possible. Sons will get a chance for input but after that they are on their own. Who knows I might be one of those people who die right when their accounts hits $0. That should make it easy
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 4, 2023 14:43:47 GMT -5
My problem is that, while I have a will and a revocable trust in place, these were set up when we all lived in the same country. Right now, between the three of us, we live in three different continents with very different inheritance laws. So my plan is to wait with dying until at least after I have moved to Germany. Then get my shit in order as soon as possible. Sons will get a chance for input but after that they are on their own. Who knows I might be one of those people who die right when their accounts hits $0. That should make it easy Yeah, I can imagine what problems would arise then! I have seen them just with TD being in the US and the rest of his family in Canada. He's not the executor of his mom's estate because of his residency and his sister is (who really isn't as financially savvy as TD).
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2023 15:19:10 GMT -5
I try to tell them this. To add to their "fun" when I pass is the fact that neither one lives in a country where they hold citizenship - not even DS2 with his dual citizenship. I hope that the fact DS2 lives in a Schengen country and DS1 has citizenship in a Schengen country will help them. But them not wanting to talk about this weighs on me.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 4, 2023 18:35:14 GMT -5
I see this from the other side: my middle aged "kids" find it far too scary to be willing to talk about what to do when I die. And while that may be still a few decades away chances are it won't be. Yet, if I try to bring it up they walk off. So that leaves me grappling to find the best/easiest way for them to deal with what will inevitably happen. Aging is not for the weak... I have an entire manifesto I have gone over with my dad entitled "Shit you are NOT going to do to me when you get old or so help me God" You should have taped this and done a pay per view or similar on YouTube. Could be lucrative.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Oct 4, 2023 18:49:05 GMT -5
I talk to my son about it and he understands. He doesn't say much, but he knows he is due to get a nice sum of money. DIL will not listen to me at all. I tell her she needs to know in case something happens to son. She does not want to talk about people dying. Not helpful at all. She knows nothing about taxes, real estate, estate planning, nothing, sigh.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 5, 2023 10:47:13 GMT -5
I try to tell them this. To add to their "fun" when I pass is the fact that neither one lives in a country where they hold citizenship - not even DS2 with his dual citizenship. I hope that the fact DS2 lives in a Schengen country and DS1 has citizenship in a Schengen country will help them. But them not wanting to talk about this weighs on me. It was certainly eye opening to me when we were living in Germany how different inheritance laws are in Europe from the U.S. and England. Basically you can't disinherit your kids and they can sue you for "wasting" their inheritance. There was a situation on our street where the "kids" were suing their parents for buying a holiday home. When my childhood bff's French husband told her she needed to tell her mother to stop wasting her inheritance by buying Louis Vuitton handbags I sent her a copy of the Economist article Where there's a Will there's a Row: www.economist.com/europe/2009/10/15/where-theres-a-will-theres-a-rowI told her she better tread carefully because she could get disinherited!
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Oct 5, 2023 14:42:02 GMT -5
I try to tell them this. To add to their "fun" when I pass is the fact that neither one lives in a country where they hold citizenship - not even DS2 with his dual citizenship. I hope that the fact DS2 lives in a Schengen country and DS1 has citizenship in a Schengen country will help them. But them not wanting to talk about this weighs on me. It was certainly eye opening to me when we were living in Germany how different inheritance laws are in Europe from the U.S. and England. Basically you can't disinherit your kids and they can sue you for "wasting" their inheritance. There was a situation on our street where the "kids" were suing their parents for buying a holiday home. When my childhood bff's French husband told her she needed to tell her mother to stop wasting her inheritance by buying Louis Vuitton handbags I sent her a copy of the Economist article Where there's a Will there's a Row: www.economist.com/europe/2009/10/15/where-theres-a-will-theres-a-rowI told her she better tread carefully because she could get disinherited! Pay wall? 😕
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Oct 5, 2023 22:01:55 GMT -5
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Oct 20, 2023 13:00:02 GMT -5
Thought I would do an update. Memorial service was Saturday. Had about 18 people attend, mostly family, two neighbors, her pyschologist and his wife, the guy who built her first koi pond, and a rep from the Oregon Humane Society. The tone was interesting with her SIL vering off on how painful the relationship was. I told DH I think many of us felt the same; we tried so hard to have a relationship with someone unwilling or unable to reciprocate and were all wounded by how she treated us. I didn't say anything because whatever I was going to say would have been piling on. I was really annoyed with her pyschologist who tried to give us a lecture on trauma. Internally I was saying to myself, we all have trauma but we all don't get mean and take it out on everyone else. The one bit of good news he shared was that the Corgis have found their forever homes. That went much quicker than I thought for the older dog. Container arrived Wednesday, we had it packed yesterday and it gets picked up sometime today to be delivered to AZ. Still plenty for the estate sale folks but the house is beginning to sound and look a little empty. It's been a lesson in letting go. Stuff we thought was valuable isn't. This is a very cool house, think Pacific Northwest meets Mid-Century Modern but we have such sad memories here. So much anger and stress!
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Oct 20, 2023 13:40:31 GMT -5
Hugs to you and your husband Bonny. Eventually this chapter too will close and help the healing and deep breathing begin.
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