zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 11:50:10 GMT -5
Then she needs to get a different kind of job totally. For that kind of money she should be someone low stress. Not continuing to deal with the clients for 30k less
|
|
tractor
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 15:19:30 GMT -5
Posts: 3,457
|
Post by tractor on Aug 10, 2017 11:50:56 GMT -5
Does she continue teaching during the summer and other holidays? I'm sorry but no way is she working that many hours. Stressful job, yes, but my aunt taught children with severe autism for over 30 years. She worked a lot of hours to avoid my uncle and their home life, not because her job required it. She teaches year around. Because it is a residential program, they can't stop school in the summer like you would in a normal school. She does get periodic time off, but nothing like you would think.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 11:51:53 GMT -5
Well then she needs to work the kind of job 40k pays and that's not the new one.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,340
|
Post by giramomma on Aug 10, 2017 11:52:24 GMT -5
I think threads like this are interesting.
People ask for advice that highlights the various personalities on this board. I think it's where you really get to start to know what makes people tick.
And absolutely none of it is applicable to Tractor and his wife. It's their marriage, not anyone else's, with a defined set of parameters that work (or don't work) for them. And if there's issues, it's up to them to fix.
If there's one thing I've learned here...besides money stuff, is that venting for marital issues is fine. But, it's not worth it to ask for opinions.
You know what they say about opinions, and besides, most of it won't apply anyway. Different marriages and different strokes for different folks.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 11:52:34 GMT -5
Moving Forward is right.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 11:57:41 GMT -5
Obviously the charities mean nothing to her. He's going to have to readjust his mind to that. Hopefully the sons still get college. By my calculations, the OP got a $20K raise, taking their combined salary from $140K/year to $160K/year. They give $30K/year to charity so are living on $130K, or $110K prior to the raise. If they cut their charitable contributions out totally, with her salary decrease they'd have a combined salary of $130K, EXACTLY what they would have had AFTER his raise and $20K more than before it. Once the kids are through college, they can ramp up their charitable giving, or his wife can decide to make time as a charitable contribution. I don't see where this puts their kids college in jeopardy.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Aug 10, 2017 11:59:23 GMT -5
I think threads like this are interesting. People ask for advice that highlights the various personalities on this board. I think it's where you really get to start to know what makes people tick. And absolutely none of it is applicable to Tractor and his wife. It's their marriage, not anyone else's, with a defined set of parameters that work (or don't work) for them. And if there's issues, it's up to them to fix. If there's one thing I've learned here...besides money stuff, is that venting for marital issues is fine. But, it's not worth it to ask for opinions. You know what they say about opinions, and besides, most of it won't apply anyway. Different marriages and different strokes for different folks. Even if it's not necessarily helpful for direct problem solving, I find the discussions extremely interesting and often see viewpoints that I hadn't considered. Even for the views I do not agree with, it's helpful to see new ways of considering other points or seeing things in a fresh way.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 12:01:54 GMT -5
Yup, it's a wash between his raise and no charitable giving. I'm sure the charities are going to be upset and asking why but that's not his problem.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 10, 2017 12:43:22 GMT -5
I think threads like this are interesting. People ask for advice that highlights the various personalities on this board. I think it's where you really get to start to know what makes people tick. And absolutely none of it is applicable to Tractor and his wife. It's their marriage, not anyone else's, with a defined set of parameters that work (or don't work) for them. And if there's issues, it's up to them to fix. If there's one thing I've learned here...besides money stuff, is that venting for marital issues is fine. But, it's not worth it to ask for opinions. You know what they say about opinions, and besides, most of it won't apply anyway. Different marriages and different strokes for different folks. I live in a similar COLA to tractor. In fact, I think he's only a couple hours away. It took me my whole career to get up to $40k. I tell ya, if my DH made $70k, we'd be set. That's about what we made combined when we got married. At $90k? Anything more would be gravy. I'm probably around the same age as his DW, too, and I tell ya, mid-life crisis is nothing to be trifled with. A step-back in pay is still way cheaper than a divorce. Now, if they were barely making it, it would be completely different, obviously. But there are more important things than the almighty dollar--especially when the marginal benefit from the extra dollar may be a net negative when it comes to household happiness.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 12:48:03 GMT -5
If she wanted someone to pay her way in life, why would she have put herself through this stress for 23 years? It sounds like she has reached her breaking point, and emotionally this job has wrung her life out of her. So find another job that pays similarly. But she's "not interested" in an admin job. So instead she's going to jump to another job in a less financially secure employer, where she has no idea whether she'll even enjoy that job or not. And all that is still fine if you can convince your partner to hop on board...she hasn't.
I haven't seen anyone say she has to keep THIS job...but she apparently won't look for other jobs which would be something different than this job she hates that still pay well. It's a copout to say "this is the only one she got offered" if she's only LOOKING for jobs that would pay this much less because other jobs just don't interest her.
Late, might be addressed but you can't just get an admin job in education. It's a separate certification and you need a specific degree to do it meaning more school...
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Aug 10, 2017 12:50:18 GMT -5
I think threads like this are interesting. People ask for advice that highlights the various personalities on this board. I think it's where you really get to start to know what makes people tick. And absolutely none of it is applicable to Tractor and his wife. It's their marriage, not anyone else's, with a defined set of parameters that work (or don't work) for them. And if there's issues, it's up to them to fix. If there's one thing I've learned here...besides money stuff, is that venting for marital issues is fine. But, it's not worth it to ask for opinions. You know what they say about opinions, and besides, most of it won't apply anyway. Different marriages and different strokes for different folks. I live in a similar COLA to tractor. In fact, I think he's only a couple hours away. It took me my whole career to get up to $40k. I tell ya, if my DH made $70k, we'd be set. That's about what we made combined when we got married. At $90k? Anything more would be gravy. I'm probably around the same age as his DW, too, and I tell ya, mid-life crisis is nothing to be trifled with. A step-back in pay is still way cheaper than a divorce. Now, if they were barely making it, it would be completely different, obviously. But there are more important things than the almighty dollar--especially when the marginal benefit from the extra dollar may be a net negative when it comes to household happiness. Household happiness, or the wife's happiness? Because it sure looks like tractor is quite unhappy about it.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 12:50:27 GMT -5
Tractor.....has your wife ever been physically harmed at her job? Has physical harm been threatened?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 12:51:34 GMT -5
For those of you who aren't teachers I want to clarify a couple of things. You can't just go into administration. You have to go get the license which requires additional time and costs (tuition, be an admin intern). Once you do this there is no guarantee of getting an admin position. I work in a high school where there are approximately 100 teachers. At least 15 of them have admin licenses. There just aren't that many administration positions to move into even if you have the license. If Tractor's wife has no interest in becoming an admin then there is no reason for her to spend the time and money to get a license that may not result in an administrator position. Another fluke in the teaching profession is pay. I have been teaching special education for nine years and have been looking for another position. Many of the districts I have looked at will not pay for all of your years of experience. One of the districts I looked at specifically said in their contract that they would only transfer five years of experience to their pay scale. This would result in a significant loss of salary since teachers tend to make higher salaries after 10 years. Finding a position in a different field as an entry level employee in a LCOL area that replaces her $70,000 is unlikely as well. It is really easy to sit behind a computer and say that she needs to find a job that pays closer to her current salary but the odds are against her. All of this!
|
|
Annie7
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 8:42:14 GMT -5
Posts: 244
|
Post by Annie7 on Aug 10, 2017 12:54:55 GMT -5
If I decide tomorrow that I am going to reduce my part of the household chores by 40% because they make me miserable, how is it fair to my spouse. Based on this thread he should totally support me because by doing that he will be helping me reduce MY stress. Forget about HIS stress when he has to shoulder that 40%. Can you even imagine the venom if I came on here posting about how I was going to stop helping out at home because I find it stressful and it's "killing me", and instead I just expected my wife to pick up the slack because she happens to enjoy doing her share of the housework she does currently? I'm not going to hire someone else to do it, my wife can just do those chores in the time she currently spends volunteering for her favorite charities...instead of donating that time to charity she should just donate it to her spouse because I deserve it. To me that's not a fair counter argument. The chores at home NEED to be done. They don't NEED the 30K. A comparison could be that Tractor was washing the windows and detailing the car every week, etc (equivalent to giving away 20% of income). Now, he stopped doing it. He's not asking his wife to do it for him. It just doesn't get done that often. If someone wants it done that often, then they need to sacrifice somewhere else to get it done. They don't NEED the windows washed and car detailed every week. Both enjoy it when done. But if it doesn't get done, there is no harm to the rest of their lifestyle.
The above to me is a much fairer comparison
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 12:55:07 GMT -5
Exactly. While I have no issues in a spouse staying home or taking a lower paying job WITH THEIR SPOUSE ONBOARD, in this case it is so not the case. Maybe her stress taking abilities are just plain lower then tractor? Maybe she cannot handle work pressures the way tractor does? Maybe he is happier at his job because he has figured out what makes it work and how to handle it? Maybe she stresses over things that are ultimately not important? Who is to say. However, instead of trying to find a similar job where she won't have to take a huge paycut she has decided she will do as she pleases. Because tractor got a pay raise so it offsets everything. THAT is a huge issue in my opinion. His hard work does not give her the license to as she please WITHOUT HIM BEING ONBOARD with it. All things are possible in marriage and people take decisions that support their families. But a unilateral decision which makes one spouse very unhappy is definitely not it. She has had this job for 23 years. It's not a matter of her being able to handle stress, but the fact that she has dealt with it for so long. Someone posted that 75% of the people burn out in 10 years, that statistic alone should make people stop back and think what kind of job this is that by the time you hit your stride in your profession, the stress of it drives you out. And most people don't do court appointed residential EI...
|
|
gs11rmb
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 12:43:39 GMT -5
Posts: 3,305
|
Post by gs11rmb on Aug 10, 2017 12:55:44 GMT -5
Yup, it's a wash between his raise and no charitable giving. I'm sure the charities are going to be upset and asking why but that's not his problem. Off-topic but... I'm the Director of Development for a non-profit. People give and then they don't. I can assure you that we'd never follow up to ask why they have stopped giving. If it is a major donor there's usually a conversation but for smaller donors, people have priorities that change.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 12:56:53 GMT -5
She has had this job for 23 years. It's not a matter of her being able to handle stress, but the fact that she has dealt with it for so long. Someone posted that 75% of the people burn out in 10 years, that statistic alone should make people stop back and think what kind of job this is that by the time you hit your stride in your profession, the stress of it drives you out. Stress handling is absolutely a factor. You or I don't know the ways tractor or his wife handle stress. He might just be doing a way better job than her in managing his stress. All things considered, why her obsession with this job? Why is she not looking at other jobs per tractor's recommendation? Why the unilateral decision? HE is expected to listen to her, while she is not doing the same. She has been applying for two years. This isn't a spur of the moment thing... this is what she was offered.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 13:01:27 GMT -5
The word "I".
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why Tractor is giving away a substantial portion of their income if he's concerned about a debt pay-off program.
Maybe he could go into some more detail about the debt?
Debt payoff includes 1 car, college tuition for my boys and two homes. Everything is manageable now. I know we're not normal in terms of money given away and I could have paid everything off years ago if we never donated a cent, but my life would be even more of an empty shell if I never gave back. But giving to your wife's life and happiness is out?
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 10, 2017 13:03:39 GMT -5
Obviously the charities mean nothing to her. He's going to have to readjust his mind to that. Hopefully the sons still get college. By my calculations, the OP got a $20K raise, taking their combined salary from $140K/year to $160K/year. They give $30K/year to charity so are living on $130K, or $110K prior to the raise. If they cut their charitable contributions out totally, with her salary decrease they'd have a combined salary of $130K, EXACTLY what they would have had AFTER his raise and $20K more than before it. Once the kids are through college, they can ramp up their charitable giving, or his wife can decide to make time as a charitable contribution. I don't see where this puts their kids college in jeopardy. This is exactly the way I see the math.
With some changes they can maintain their lifestyle. They have options and can make it work.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 13:06:16 GMT -5
Can you even imagine the venom if I came on here posting about how I was going to stop helping out at home because I find it stressful and it's "killing me", and instead I just expected my wife to pick up the slack because she happens to enjoy doing her share of the housework she does currently? I'm not going to hire someone else to do it, my wife can just do those chores in the time she currently spends volunteering for her favorite charities...instead of donating that time to charity she should just donate it to her spouse because I deserve it. To me that's not a fair counter argument. The chores at home NEED to be done. They don't NEED the 30K. A comparison could be that Tractor was washing the windows and detailing the car every week, etc (equivalent to giving away 20% of income). Now, he stopped doing it. He's not asking his wife to do it for him. It just doesn't get done that often. If someone wants it done that often, then they need to sacrifice somewhere else to get it done. They don't NEED the windows washed and car detailed every week. Both enjoy it when done. But if it doesn't get done, there is no harm to the rest of their lifestyle.
The above to me is a much fairer comparison
Actually, no, the chores at home don't NEED to be done any more than you NEED money to pay your bills (trust me, as a single male, many of those chores did not get done or not with nearly the frequency that they are done today, so they are not a need anymore than making that money is). And yes, he is asking his wife to do it for him...someone has to make the money to pay the bills, if wife isn't doing it, then husband must do it.
I'm not sure how you're comparing getting your car detailed to the on the same NEED level as paying your debts.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 10, 2017 13:06:28 GMT -5
Yup, it's a wash between his raise and no charitable giving. I'm sure the charities are going to be upset and asking why but that's not his problem. Off-topic but... I'm the Director of Development for a non-profit. People give and then they don't. I can assure you that we'd never follow up to ask why they have stopped giving. If it is a major donor there's usually a conversation but for smaller donors, people have priorities that change.
As a president of a couple of non-profits we were grateful for all kinds of donations. Sometimes they are in-kind, sometimes they are donations of time. Happy to have any of it.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 13:08:01 GMT -5
Yup, it looks like the charity begins at home mantra is going to set in. Too bad about the charities and I hope you can continue supporting your sons in college. Obviously you're the one expected to. so charities are more important than his own wife? Nice. So you're on board if I give up doing my chores at home and tell my wife to take the time she spends volunteering for charities and do my previous chores during that time...because charities shouldn't be more important than her husband?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 13:11:18 GMT -5
Obviously the charities mean nothing to her. He's going to have to readjust his mind to that. Hopefully the sons still get college. So if you aren't voluntarily working an extra 20+ hours a week to give to charity you are a horrible person?
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 13:11:34 GMT -5
Obviously the charities mean nothing to her. He's going to have to readjust his mind to that. Hopefully the sons still get college. By my calculations, the OP got a $20K raise, taking their combined salary from $140K/year to $160K/year. They give $30K/year to charity so are living on $130K, or $110K prior to the raise. If they cut their charitable contributions out totally, with her salary decrease they'd have a combined salary of $130K, EXACTLY what they would have had AFTER his raise and $20K more than before it. Once the kids are through college, they can ramp up their charitable giving, or his wife can decide to make time as a charitable contribution. I don't see where this puts their kids college in jeopardy. It shouldn't. Financially they're not in any worse a position really (other than some risk in that he's more of a primary breadwinner now and his salary is more important). The issue is far more about her dumping responsibility on him without his consent, and the corresponding issues with communication/decision-making than it is about finances. Financially, I don't think they'll be any worse off in the short term (long term it's all about that risk, so who knows how that plays out).
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 13:13:12 GMT -5
I'm just getting caught up here, but I'm stuck on the pension. Most pensions are based on time + salary. So I'm having a hard time with the idea that this won't affect the pension. Unless it's the same pension system and her time carries over, I can't imagine that this wouldn't affect the payout. Any impact (if there is) wouldn't be any different than finding a completely different job for the same amount of money. It sounds like the time must carry over since tractor was worried the lower salary would adversely affect the pension later (so it must be the same overarching group she's going to work for or that wouldn't be a consideration).
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 13:13:27 GMT -5
Neither of them volunteer time. As a teacher she was getting paid decently but still got what she was doing, volunteering her time is involved . Giving money to charities is out for now and probably for several years.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 13:13:55 GMT -5
I'm just getting caught up here, but I'm stuck on the pension. Most pensions are based on time + salary. So I'm having a hard time with the idea that this won't affect the pension. Unless it's the same pension system and her time carries over, I can't imagine that this wouldn't affect the payout. It sounds like it's the same system, supposedly the average of her 3 highest years salary. Which is another issue too. Another job, at another location means that she won't be in the pension fund and will have to take another cut.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 3:00:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 13:14:38 GMT -5
So she is moving to a school schedule? Or will she still teach year round?
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 13:17:11 GMT -5
By my calculations, the OP got a $20K raise, taking their combined salary from $140K/year to $160K/year. They give $30K/year to charity so are living on $130K, or $110K prior to the raise. If they cut their charitable contributions out totally, with her salary decrease they'd have a combined salary of $130K, EXACTLY what they would have had AFTER his raise and $20K more than before it. Once the kids are through college, they can ramp up their charitable giving, or his wife can decide to make time as a charitable contribution. I don't see where this puts their kids college in jeopardy. It shouldn't. Financially they're not in any worse a position really (other than some risk in that he's more of a primary breadwinner now and his salary is more important). The issue is far more about her dumping responsibility on him without his consent, and the corresponding issues with communication/decision-making than it is about finances. Financially, I don't think they'll be any worse off in the short term (long term it's all about that risk, so who knows how that plays out). You don't know that she hasn't been telling him that she needs out for the last 2 years and it has reached a point where she needs out NOW for her self preservation. It doesn't sound like he has been listening. Also, I seriously doubt that she'd pick up another job making $70K in a LCOL area that isn't a job that entails a lot of stress with her education and experience.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 13:20:20 GMT -5
It shouldn't. Financially they're not in any worse a position really (other than some risk in that he's more of a primary breadwinner now and his salary is more important). The issue is far more about her dumping responsibility on him without his consent, and the corresponding issues with communication/decision-making than it is about finances. Financially, I don't think they'll be any worse off in the short term (long term it's all about that risk, so who knows how that plays out). You don't know that she hasn't been telling him that she needs out for the last 2 years and it has reached a point where she needs out NOW for her self preservation. It doesn't sound like he has been listening. Also, I seriously doubt that she'd pick up another job making $70K in a LCOL area that isn't a job that entails a lot of stress with her education and experience. Saying "I want a new job" is not the same as saying "I'm going to take a new job for $30k less whether you like it or not, just a heads up for you".
I'm not sure why you think her SAYING it (even if she did) should somehow morph into them agreeing to it as a couple.
I can say to my wife every day for 2 years that I'm just going to quit my job and be a vagabond...that doesn't mean that when I do it she should just shut up and deal with it because I told her I was going to. Saying something doesn't magically make that an agreement.
|
|