Why do holidays bring out the worst in people?

[moneymaven]

I usually host Thanksgiving for my family and DH's family. I'm talking immediate family, extended family, etc. it usually amounts to 45-50 people. It's my favorite holiday and I love hosting in general. This year, MIL and SIL took it upon themselves to organize a potluck at another location since I had a baby a few months ago and despite my offer to host anyway. Fast forward to now and DH and I decided I will still host my family and that his family can do their thing. He will go to their potluck for part of the day. A group message has been going around and I tell everyone that me and the kids won't be in attendance but DH will be. Now I'm getting bombarded with messages about how could I possibly keep the kids away from their family and essentially being called selfish. I'm pretty angry and my very meek DH doesn't see why I would be mad and also things I need to have the kids split their time. I'm beside myself myself at their audacity to send such notes and that DH doesn't get it. My kids are not here for their convenience or pleasure and I'm their mother! They will spend the holiday with me! It seems like his happens for a holiday every year where people's worst behavior comes out.

[moneymaven]

I just got another message about how much someone is paying to fly in for the holiday and the least I can do is let them see the kids. SERIOUSLY? They'll be here all week, it doesn't have to be on the actually holiday!!

[Deleted]

This is why Thanksgiving is supposed to be on a weekend and not a Thursday. Our families just have the dinner on different days, one takes Sunday and one takes the Monday. These things wouldn't happen if you guys just did it right.

[The Captain]

Wow!  So sorry you're going though this.

Keep your chin up and take the high road (I know - seems odd coming from me).  Don't sink to their level or let them get under your skin.

They can only irritate you if you give them the power to do so.

Simply reply back that "My family traditions are just as important to me as yours is to you, and so sorry if you don't understand that."

(Then form satisfying image of you bitchslapping every one of them).

[chiver78]

try your best to just ignore them.

I'm dealing with similar grief from my sister this year. this is my first year in my new house, and I want to stay home. my sister's been up my ass because I don't want to drive 2h to her place for T-day. and since the only time her little 7lb pup has been near my 80+ lb golden retriever, they did not get along well, she doesn't want to pack up her pup and come down to my house - where I'm not necessarily even roasting a turkey ON T-day or not. oy.

[ArchietheDragon]

It is hard with so many people.    But I guess it could be worse than everyone wanting to see you. 

[swamp]

Nov 9, 2015 9:45:48 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I just got another message about how much someone is paying to fly in for the holiday and the least I can do is let them see the kids. SERIOUSLY? They'll be here all week, it doesn't have to be on the actually holiday!!

tell them you would love to see them and ask them what day other than Thanksgiving itself.

Getting pissy back to someone being an asshole usually doesn't work out well.

[moneymaven]

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:30 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

It is hard with so many people.    But I guess it could be worse than everyone wanting to see you. 

Yeah, that's part of the irritation though. They don't want to see me, they want to see my kids.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

This sounds like something your husband needs to deal with.  BOTH of you made the decision to have a smaller, separate dinner for your family, he needs to own this too.

My sister has had exactly ONE Thanksgiving and Christmas that has not been associated with her DH's family.  The Christmas was last year, when we all knew it was very likely my dad's last one (he died in Feb.).  But her DH's family squawked like a stuck pig that they were skipping out on THEIR Christmas....despite the fact that they've spent he last 18 of them together!

I don't get it either.  We are blowing off all family this year and going to Paris.

[ArchietheDragon]

Nov 9, 2015 9:58:52 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:30 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

It is hard with so many people.    But I guess it could be worse than everyone wanting to see you. 

Yeah, that's part of the irritation though. They don't want to see me, they want to see my kids.

once you have kids you become second fiddle. 

[moneymaven]

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:39 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:45:48 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I just got another message about how much someone is paying to fly in for the holiday and the least I can do is let them see the kids. SERIOUSLY? They'll be here all week, it doesn't have to be on the actually holiday!!

tell them you would love to see them and ask them what day other than Thanksgiving itself.

Getting pissy back to someone being an asshole usually doesn't work out well.

That's exactly what I said in reply. Then I got a droning reply about how it's the actually day that makes it special. They are being ridiculous.

[swamp]

Nov 9, 2015 9:58:52 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:30 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

It is hard with so many people.    But I guess it could be worse than everyone wanting to see you. 

Yeah, that's part of the irritation though. They don't want to see me, they want to see my kids.

You have kids. Get used to it.

[swamp]

Nov 9, 2015 9:59:11 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:39 GMT -5 swamp said:

tell them you would love to see them and ask them what day other than Thanksgiving itself.

Getting pissy back to someone being an asshole usually doesn't work out well.

That's exactly what I said in reply. Then I got a droning reply about how it's the actually day that makes it special. They are being ridiculous.

So you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What day do you want to see the kids?"  

[moneymaven]

Nov 9, 2015 10:01:15 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:59:11 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

That's exactly what I said in reply. Then I got a droning reply about how it's the actually day that makes it special. They are being ridiculous.

So you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What day do you want to see the kids?"  

I could but my instinct at the moment is to be a punitive bitch and not reply at all. I don't have to go out of my way for anyone to see the kids.

[moneymaven]

Nov 9, 2015 10:00:06 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:58:52 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Yeah, that's part of the irritation though. They don't want to see me, they want to see my kids.

You have kids. Get used to it.

Oh, I am used to it. But geez, if you want something, at least be smart enough to pretend to be interested in seeing me.

[ArchietheDragon]

why are the holidays bringing out the worst in you?  If you can answer that, you probably have a pretty good idea about everyone else, too. 

[MJ2.0]

Mentally/emotionally I have a hard time around Thanksgiving and Christmas. All I want is to spend time with my family and enjoy their company, but these little squabbles (that inevitably come up every year) and the blatant commercialism turns me into a sad grinch. The squabbling is lessened now that X and I aren't together (because his family had so much forced togetherness and focus on gifts that I REALLY hated Christmas by the time it came around), but everything still seems like an obligation rather than a genuine desire to see family.

Don't let them get you down. If they really want to see you and the kids, they'll come by.

[janee]

Just say you'd be happy to have them drop by at some point during the day.  "We're hosting our normal Thanksgiving get-together and you're more than welcome to join us for any part of the day"

[wvugurl26]

Nov 9, 2015 9:59:11 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:51:39 GMT -5 swamp said:

tell them you would love to see them and ask them what day other than Thanksgiving itself.

Getting pissy back to someone being an asshole usually doesn't work out well.

That's exactly what I said in reply. Then I got a droning reply about how it's the actually day that makes it special. They are being ridiculous.

Sorry you are dealing with that. It's being together that is important. My brother works a 24-7, 365 job. He's had like 3 Christmas holidays off in eleven years. We celebrate when we can. That is what matters to us. I'm glad my families aren't like that.

I guess they wouldn't have participated in the Christmas in October for the kid that they don't think will live to see Christmas.

[swamp]

Nov 9, 2015 10:03:35 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 10:01:15 GMT -5 swamp said:

So you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What day do you want to see the kids?"  

I could but my instinct at the moment is to be a punitive bitch and not reply at all. I don't have to go out of my way for anyone to see the kids.

You could, but that just escalates the situation. You have to see these people for the rest of their lives.

There are lots of things I'd love to say, but all it does is make things worse.

[MJ2.0]

Nov 9, 2015 10:12:37 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 9, 2015 10:03:35 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I could but my instinct at the moment is to be a punitive bitch and not reply at all. I don't have to go out of my way for anyone to see the kids.

You could, but that just escalates the situation. You have to see these people for the rest of their lives.

There are lots of things I'd love to say, but all it does is make things worse.

I know you want to just be the bitch because it's easy and feels good, but please be better than them on this. Don't continue this unnecessary squabble.

[moneymaven]

Nov 9, 2015 10:05:11 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

why are the holidays bringing out the worst in you?  If you can answer that, you probably have a pretty good idea about everyone else, too. 

Totally fair, which is why I'm venting to you guys instead of replying in anger.

[ArchietheDragon]

Nov 9, 2015 10:20:08 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

Nov 9, 2015 10:05:11 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

why are the holidays bringing out the worst in you?  If you can answer that, you probably have a pretty good idea about everyone else, too. 

Totally fair, which is why I'm venting to you guys instead of replying in anger.

Perfect.   It is hard.   you want to please everyone and see everyone and be involved in everything but it is hard to do.  Trying to do it causes stress. Stress causes people to act in ways they might not normally. 

[steph08]

Nov 9, 2015 9:59:19 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

This sounds like something your husband needs to deal with.  BOTH of you made the decision to have a smaller, separate dinner for your family, he needs to own this too.

My sister has had exactly ONE Thanksgiving and Christmas that has not been associated with her DH's family.  The Christmas was last year, when we all knew it was very likely my dad's last one (he died in Feb.).  But her DH's family squawked like a stuck pig that they were skipping out on THEIR Christmas....despite the fact that they've spent he last 18 of them together!

I don't get it either.  We are blowing off all family this year and going to Paris.

Great plan! I have tried to convince my family that we should all just travel over Christmas to someplace fun, but I have had no success and now DH and I have kids and my brother is married and blah blah blah.

If it was up to me, I'd go to Disney World every year for Christmas and say screw everything else. Both my parents and DH's parents HAVE to see DD on the day of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is so dumb.

[yogiii]

I hate the holidays.  We have one "normal" understanding side and one crazy side.  The crazy side always seems to win and yet is still crazy and never satisfied.  It sucks.

[andi9899]

Why don't you send the kids with him for a bit? Can you send them before or during the first part of your party and they end up with you for the second half? It would sure make getting things ready a lot easier not having kids running around the house at the same time.

[yogiii]

Nov 9, 2015 10:35:55 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Why don't you send the kids with him for a bit? Can you send them before or during the first part of your party and they end up with you for the second half? It would sure make getting things ready a lot easier not having kids running around the house at the same time.

Good point

[MJ2.0]

Nov 9, 2015 10:33:46 GMT -5 yogiii said:

I hate the holidays.  We have one "normal" understanding side and one crazy side.  The crazy side always seems to win and yet is still crazy and never satisfied.  It sucks.

OMG, Yes! That was totally me too! My family was the normal, understanding ones and X's family was/are definitely the crazies. And on top of that, they have lots of family events throughout the year so they'd still see each other 8-10 times a year anyway!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 9, 2015 10:25:35 GMT -5 steph08 said:

Nov 9, 2015 9:59:19 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

This sounds like something your husband needs to deal with.  BOTH of you made the decision to have a smaller, separate dinner for your family, he needs to own this too.

My sister has had exactly ONE Thanksgiving and Christmas that has not been associated with her DH's family.  The Christmas was last year, when we all knew it was very likely my dad's last one (he died in Feb.).  But her DH's family squawked like a stuck pig that they were skipping out on THEIR Christmas....despite the fact that they've spent he last 18 of them together!

I don't get it either.  We are blowing off all family this year and going to Paris.

Great plan! I have tried to convince my family that we should all just travel over Christmas to someplace fun, but I have had no success and now DH and I have kids and my brother is married and blah blah blah.

If it was up to me, I'd go to Disney World every year for Christmas and say screw everything else. Both my parents and DH's parents HAVE to see DD on the day of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is so dumb.

I don't have problems alternating it.  But the rituals that my sister needs to deal with each year are utterly ridiculous and I would have balked a LONG time ago....or I like to think I'd have balked, I suspect she doesn't just to keep the peace.  I don't have to deal with the IL's family all living within a 20 mile radius of each other.  SO's family tends to do their own thing for the most part - just like mine does.  We may spend the holidays together, or we might not.  But no one gets bent out of shape over it if we don't.

[trippypea]

So what, you're family doesn't count as true family? DH's family isn't the only family they have, and why should you have to break tradition and not see your family just because the MIL and SIL took it upon themselves to do their own thing? What's stopping them from coming over before or after their get-together to see the kids if they want to see them that bad?

I really hate it when people make it about 'wanting to see the kids' because it's not like the adults are going to sit around entertaining the children all day...