ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 9, 2015 10:57:36 GMT -5
I hate the holidays. We have one "normal" understanding side and one crazy side. The crazy side always seems to win and yet is still crazy and never satisfied. It sucks. OMG, Yes! That was totally me too! My family was the normal, understanding ones and X's family was/are definitely the crazies. And on top of that, they have lots of family events throughout the year so they'd still see each other 8-10 times a year anyway! If I had to pick crazy versus understanding, my parents are the crazy ones. they want to see us on all major holidays (on the holiday) plus every Sunday for dinner. my inlaws are very chill, don't really host any holidays, see them when we see them, usually the days after or before major holidays, etc. I am not sure what we would do if my inlaws were like my parents...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 9, 2015 10:59:28 GMT -5
It is hard with so many people. But I guess it could be worse than everyone wanting to see you. Yeah, that's part of the irritation though. They don't want to see me, they want to see my kids. I'm surprised that this surprises you. From the moment my oldest was born, we were no longer Mr. and Mrs. Giramomma. It's all about the kids. When we brought him to Easter to meet one side of the family, NO ONE said hello to DH and I when we walked in the door. It took an uncle by remarriage to say hello to DH and I specifically about 15 minutes after we had settled in. That's the way it goes sometimes. I might also rethink going out your way to have folks see the kids, honestly. We're pretty much living paycheck to paycheck these days. I can't afford to give up extra work. And, yet, I will be doing that so that my boss can have a nice visit with my kids. He'll never have grandkids. His kids decided to focus on a career instead. Which is fine. Our relationship with my boss and his wife has been quite a gift for all parties involved. And, I'm really happy that there are people out there, beside DH and I that genuinely care or my kids. I get that you want to spend time with your family. I really do. That's why we have a rule that we spend Christmas day at home. Santa only stops at one spot. I just would proceed with caution. Your kids are also your DH's kids, no matter how much or little he parents or helps with Thanksgiving. He is their father, and you cannot diminish that role. As long as DH's family is not physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive to your kids...but you haven't indicated that.. Also speaking from experience, there were times were I told DH I wasn't going to be a part of his family activities...because of my family. I regret it now, because his family has been much more of a rock than mine. 10 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in this situation, I would have thought that had been doing too many drugs. Seriously.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Nov 9, 2015 11:02:03 GMT -5
Did MIL and SIL invite your family, seeing as they had always come to joint festivities in prior years?
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 9, 2015 11:03:52 GMT -5
This "all or nothing" approach isn't working for anyone -- you or them. Invite them for dessert. Tell them how much you want everyone to be together on Thanksgiving. Tell them the time. Be ready when they arrive and have a huge grin on your face. Each side gets to do a little of their own thing and a little together.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 9, 2015 11:04:48 GMT -5
I think there has to be more to the story. We know your DH has a hard time with boundaries with his family, from what you said..
How long has this been going on? Is Thanksgiving the straw that broke the camel's back?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 11:06:18 GMT -5
Since your husband is already going over there for part of the day, can't the kids just go with and make it to both too?
My family is pretty laid back about the holidays. Older son's Grandmother insists on Thanksgiving. She lives 100 miles away, so I've only seen older son once on Thanksgiving since his Dad and I separated. That's her only hill to die on that she wants all her kids/grandkids and I just let her have it. Christmas and Easter gatherings are always alternate days on that side. This year I have younger son, but I may just let his Dad take him too since their family has a big Thanksgiving and it's in town, then I'll go to my Aunt's alone. It's within walking distance so that sounds a lot more peaceful than all the traveling I used to do when married.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 9, 2015 11:09:17 GMT -5
OMG, Yes! That was totally me too! My family was the normal, understanding ones and X's family was/are definitely the crazies. And on top of that, they have lots of family events throughout the year so they'd still see each other 8-10 times a year anyway! If I had to pick crazy versus understanding, my parents are the crazy ones. they want to see us on all major holidays (on the holiday) plus every Sunday for dinner. my inlaws are very chill, don't really host any holidays, see them when we see them, usually the days after or before major holidays, etc. I am not sure what we would do if my inlaws were like my parents... Are your parents jealous of your ILs? That's the part of my situation that gets me. The crazies that always get things their way are still vocally jealous.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 9, 2015 11:11:53 GMT -5
If I had to pick crazy versus understanding, my parents are the crazy ones. they want to see us on all major holidays (on the holiday) plus every Sunday for dinner. my inlaws are very chill, don't really host any holidays, see them when we see them, usually the days after or before major holidays, etc. I am not sure what we would do if my inlaws were like my parents... Are your parents jealous of your ILs? That's the part of my situation that gets me. The crazies that always get things their way are still vocally jealous. yeah, my mom can be jealous. She is better now, but any time we had plan with in-laws and counldnt see my parents she would take it personally. She either didn't realize or didn't care that we saw my family 5 or 6 times more often then my inlaws. it is better now, especially since my sister had a baby. Now there is some pressure off of us.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Nov 9, 2015 11:11:32 GMT -5
I think I would respond with something like this-
'I'm sorry that you won't be able to spend time with my kids on Thanksgiving. Traditionally, we have always hosted thanksgiving for my family and DH's. MIL & SIL decided this year that they would like to host their own thing. Unfortunately, my plans had already been set in motion and I could not disinvite my family. You are welcome to come another day to visit us as we would love to see you."
Side note- We celebrate "festivus" on black friday. We invite all those over who we could not spend time with on the day. Usually- it ends up way more fun.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Nov 9, 2015 11:50:59 GMT -5
I usually host Thanksgiving for my family and DH's family. I'm talking immediate family, extended family, etc. it usually amounts to 45-50 people. It's my favorite holiday and I love hosting in general. This year, MIL and SIL took it upon themselves to organize a potluck at another location since I had a baby a few months ago and despite my offer to host anyway. Fast forward to now and DH and I decided I will still host my family and that his family can do their thing. He will go to their potluck for part of the day. A group message has been going around and I tell everyone that me and the kids won't be in attendance but DH will be. Now I'm getting bombarded with messages about how could I possibly keep the kids away from their family and essentially being called selfish. I'm pretty angry and my very meek DH doesn't see why I would be mad and also things I need to have the kids split their time. I'm beside myself myself at their audacity to send such notes and that DH doesn't get it. My kids are not here for their convenience or pleasure and I'm their mother! They will spend the holiday with me! It seems like his happens for a holiday every year where people's worst behavior comes out. How has your attempt to look at it from their perspective gone? Is it possible that you have demanded it be a certain way for years and are now being inflexible to anyone's desire to have the festivities held in a way that they would prefer for this one year? Because it sound a tiny bit like you are. Yes, you like to host, and that is very generous of you. Is it possible that someone else would like to as well? Is the intention that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated the way you want it in perpetuity?
I'm not saying it is wrong for you to host your family this year, it's not. But they are not necessarily wrong either. It sounds like they were trying to take a burden off of you.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 9, 2015 12:20:36 GMT -5
I have to say that we go through this every year. My family seems to always be the only one that has both families celebrating holidays at the same time. My Brother and His wife do sometimes host family events at their house and he will come to Mom's celebration (usually with his kids but they are 21-26), and the wife will stay home getting ready to celebrate with her family). But DH and I have both family events starting within 1/2 hour of each other. By the time you get to the 2nd event, many of the people you would most like to see are no longer there.
Separating is an option, but whoever takes the kids, if the get held up at the first place they go to, the kids will probably miss someone at the 2nd event. It is a huge hassle for the family doing the running around, and no one is really happy anyways.
Last Thanksgiving, we hosted both families at our house. It was not all smooth sailing. My BIL really insulted my 17 year old DD which resulted in DD going into her bedroom crying and My 21 year old drank too much (which was the issue with BIL also). I swore that next event we would start later and DS will not be allowed to act as "bartender".
Soo, this year- My Mom called me and said she is hosting Thanksgiving at her house. All well and good but DH's niece is coming from GA with her family. My MIL also says she is hosting Thanksgiving at her house, but there is parking issues at her house and my house is much larger and I have 2 kitchens. A decision on where DH's family thanksgiving is going to be will probably be made the week of thanksgiving. My Mom always goes along with whatever my Brother and His wife are doing and has no problem with it. I think she feels differently about her daughters, and I usually help her somehow...or DH helps her cook, so I don't know how she will feel if I tell her I am not coming to her house, but it is looking like that will be the case. I really am hoping that my Brother and his wife are not hosting her family again this year (so that they will be at Mom's if we are not).
I need to hire a cleaning service to make sure my house is ready for Thanksgiving regardless if we are hosts or not...I have too much work to do to take off more than one day.
ETA: Have any of those of you who think the Husband and/or the kids should attend another event, when there is an event going on at their house, ever actually been expected to perform this feat? Thanksgiving is in the middle of the frikin week. If you are having Thanksgiving at your house you need to clean and cook. My laundry room is in the front of the house which means I need to get the laundry at least mostly done before I have a party, then right before the event, all the excess crap from the laundry room needs to be moved into the storage room in the basement (but my basement is living area, so my basement also needs to be cleaned). If her kids are little, sending them off to someone else's family celebration, means she has to stop preparations for her own Thanksgivng and get them ready, if they are older she is giving up her "helpers". I am sorry, regarding DH. He needs to be home helping the wife.
I think the reason my Brother and his Wife manage to do this is that his Wife does not work. Even so, she admits, that she finds Thanksgiving the most stressful holiday to prepare a meal for. Her family 'Rotates' the holidays, but it is so large that many of them don't feel their house is large enough to host, so they have started asking Brother and SIL to host the event and the family that is supposed have the event actually prepares all the food. So, if my Brother is putting in a quick appearance at Mom's, she probably has one of her sister's at her house preparing food. My brother also lives 10 minutes from my Mom. I live 20-30 minutes from my MIL and 20-30 minutes from my Mom. and the two Moms are about 20 minutes apart.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 9, 2015 12:28:56 GMT -5
Great distances make great buffers from family (when wanting for a reason).
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Nov 9, 2015 12:44:24 GMT -5
My family tends to invite the parents of their son in laws to Thanksgiving, one set comes the other doesn't because they're doing their own thing. (I don't invite mine, we'll get together with them or not if they can make a decision in a reasonable time frame*) My one BIL has a small family so we're talking maybe another 3 people in attendance. I used to try to do the splitting the day between here and there and everywhere but it always ended in stressed adults and cranky kids and no one got enough time to visit, so I just quit trying.
I assume YOUR in laws were trying to be helpful and kind and ended up just making things worse for you. FWIW, I don't see the big deal about sending the kids for a bit if you are pretty sure they'll be back in time to visit with everyone coming to your house as well.
* My in laws are famous for calling the night before to try to plan something. I quit accommodating that. You know it's coming, plan in advance or don't add us to the count.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 9, 2015 12:46:49 GMT -5
I know this has been mentioned, but since your DH is going to go to their gathering, why can't he just take the kids with him when he goes?
For me, the holidays bring out the worst in me because all of my family in close quarters magnifies those things about a couple of them that make me crazy. Example: My sister doesn't cook but likes to come and tell me what I will cook. Example: My brother hits the couch after dinner and makes no effort whatsoever to help in the massive clean-up. Those things are easy to ignore when I'm not in the same room with them. Not so easy when it's under my nose and all I can think of is stabbing them with a meat fork.
Another reason? Those we have lost are glaring in their absence. It makes me sad and a little bit angry. It's easy to be upset with the chaos of a large extended family. It's heart-rending to be suddenly without one of them - even if they were a bit irritating at times!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 9, 2015 13:05:20 GMT -5
We're having problems with holidays now that my brother lives in another state. Thanksgiving is thorny on my DH's part b/c his family NEVER plans it in advance. At most they give a week's notice, thank God I don't have to travel.
For the past few years they have had theirs on Black Friday which works out awesome. This year they are having it on Thanksgiving b/c SIL's son is going on vacation on Friday.
Well my grandmother hosts my family on Thanksgiving. My brother may not be able to make in for Christmas. He hasn't seen Abby since she was born, I am not going to have him miss that just b/c DH's nephew is going ot the Bahamas he sees our kids all the freaking time and so does the rest of DH's family.
DH's family is cool with it. BIL won't be making it either due to having obligations on Thursday.
Could you move yours to Black Friday?
This year we will eat at my grandma's and swing by SIL's for pie afterwards. Could the kids go to your DH's family for the meal and you have them for dessert? Or do it in the reverse?
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Nov 9, 2015 13:06:56 GMT -5
I agree that the kids should go with your husband. I'm sure they will enjoy seeing that side of the family as well as yours.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 9, 2015 13:12:47 GMT -5
I know this has been mentioned, but since your DH is going to go to their gathering, why can't he just take the kids with him when he goes?
For me, the holidays bring out the worst in me because all of my family in close quarters magnifies those things about a couple of them that make me crazy. Example: My sister doesn't cook but likes to come and tell me what I will cook. Example: My brother hits the couch after dinner and makes no effort whatsoever to help in the massive clean-up. Those things are easy to ignore when I'm not in the same room with them. Not so easy when it's under my nose and all I can think of is stabbing them with a meat fork.
Another reason? Those we have lost are glaring in their absence. It makes me sad and a little bit angry. It's easy to be upset with the chaos of a large extended family. It's heart-rending to be suddenly without one of them - even if they were a bit irritating at times! So sorry for your Loss GEL, I too have lost a family member. I had tears in my eyes when I read your comment. We saw my Family this past weekend. My family tends to turn every holiday discussion to politics and we just don't see eye to eye. DD posted this on Twitter "Politics around [Dad's family] is fine, [Mom's family]...No. I liked it. I actually left my Brother's house thinking I would rather spend the holidays with DH's family. My MIL always does my dishes (and she cooks too) and My BIL H and SIL K were always good for going through the house, collecting stray dishes, making sure everything was cleaned up. At DD's grad party it was my BIL J that realized some kids had dropped cake on an area rug and ground black frosting into it, so they put it in the garage and cleaned the floor. I was so tired at the end of that party, I was practically asleep on the couch. Their help is much appreciated.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 9, 2015 13:44:41 GMT -5
Thanks, Bean. My condolences to you for your loss also. I'm a "count your blessings" type of person (or at least I try). My family can be irritating, but most of them are here. When my mom gets all wantingtodecorateeverythingoneverypossiblesurfaceandleavesnoroomonthetableforfood and is constantly under my feet....I remember and appreciate she is still here with me.
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 9, 2015 13:47:31 GMT -5
You can be polite and still not accommodate assholes. You had your plans. Unless you WANT to change them, don't. Say, we had plans in place already, our invite is extended as always, and we would love to see you over the holiday weekend.
You can be the better person without being the better doormat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 14:21:58 GMT -5
I generally hate Thanksgiving now since my dad died 5 days before it, some years ago. It probably wouldn't bother me so much except I had only been married 6 months and was rather looking forward to the family thing. Yeah, that went to shit. Funeral planning was not the family thing I had in mind. We were lucky that DH's parents are/were snowbirds so they were usually in Florida for T-Day and the siblings up here did their things. My parents were a pain in the ass when I was younger because they were divorced so I had to do half and half. It hurts to eat that much in one day!!! After my dad died, I just didn't give a shit and we did whatever. Usually something with my mom to kill time. Sometimes we'd go to my sister's, before my mom died. Now we really don't care. For the last couple of years, since my FIL died, my MIL has been here so we usually just do a small thing at her place. This year I will most likely just be dumping DH off and going off to work. He wants to spend the time with her since she has been diagnosed with mild dementia that will probably progress until she blows up or fully sets the house on fire.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Nov 9, 2015 14:32:17 GMT -5
Empress My Dad didn't die near any holiday but I still dread holiday dinners. His absence is just so glaringly obvious. I only go for my Mother. I'd just stay home if I could.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Nov 9, 2015 15:39:25 GMT -5
Am I the only one who has both sides of the family that get along? We do events with both sides as often as possible if we have a house big enough. They get along just fine. If there is an argument, it's usually a sibling argument. I swear, my dad and his brothers are in their 50s and 60s and still do that "Yes it is. No it isn't" crap back and forth.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Nov 9, 2015 15:43:21 GMT -5
Reading some of y'alls experiences with the holidays makes me very grateful for my family! I'm going to call my grandparents tonight and thank them for being so understanding. My parents live out of state (but still driveable) and we see them quite a bit throughout the year. We won't be seeing them at Thanksgiving this year. Well, maybe we will, they've changed their mind 3 different times now on whether they are coming or not BUT, it's just DH* and I and the 2 of them so if they show up, we'll be fine. We need to pick up our house anyway, and they'll give us at least a week's firm notice, so whatever. If we don't see them, we'll talk on the phone and all be happy. My grandparents and other extended family live 8 hours away, and I go see them 3 or 4 times a year, but not at the holidays. For a long time I lived a plane ride away, so this is what everyone's used to. Plus, my older cousin lives 10 minutes from grandma and grandpa and has the first great grandchild. So no one notices if anyone but the baby is there anyway Christmas, DH and I go on vacation every year. My workplace closes for 12 days over Xmas and New Years, so we always do some sort of vacation-this year is Vegas. I haven't yet decided if we'll go see my grandparents after Xmas/before New Years, or wait til my 3 days weekend in January. Regardless, grandma and grandpa are happy to see me whatever time works best for me. *DH's parents have both passed away, and his brother and family live on the east coast. They do their own thing with SIL's family, and we see BIL maybe once a year. So they don't cause us any stress, either.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 9, 2015 15:55:43 GMT -5
This sounds like something your husband needs to deal with. BOTH of you made the decision to have a smaller, separate dinner for your family, he needs to own this too. My sister has had exactly ONE Thanksgiving and Christmas that has not been associated with her DH's family. The Christmas was last year, when we all knew it was very likely my dad's last one (he died in Feb.). But her DH's family squawked like a stuck pig that they were skipping out on THEIR Christmas....despite the fact that they've spent he last 18 of them together! I don't get it either. We are blowing off all family this year and going to Paris. Great plan! I have tried to convince my family that we should all just travel over Christmas to someplace fun, but I have had no success and now DH and I have kids and my brother is married and blah blah blah. If it was up to me, I'd go to Disney World every year for Christmas and say screw everything else. Both my parents and DH's parents HAVE to see DD on the day of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is so dumb. Two things: (1) and this is the one I used many times the distance between my house and yours is exactly the same as the distance between your house and mine. Since the kids are much more comfortable at their own place please come and join us. (2) this is for the desired DW tradition → mom/dad DH and I want to give a DD tradition of our own and celebrate it at DW. We would love for you to be part of this tradition, please come along with us. We'll have a great time andDD will cherish those memories forever. Just put the onus back on the complainers.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 9, 2015 16:12:17 GMT -5
I tend to inherit the people my children are dating as well. It never seems like they have family. I don't mind bcuz I love having my kids. I'll be so much happier next year when I have a real home. Even if it is a rental. I'm not an apartment dweller. Happily.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 16:35:49 GMT -5
So glad I don't have to deal with this, my family and DW's have never met and probably never will. Each is 200 miles in opposite directions.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 9, 2015 16:44:51 GMT -5
Am I the only one who has both sides of the family that get along? We do events with both sides as often as possible if we have a house big enough. They get along just fine. If there is an argument, it's usually a sibling argument. I swear, my dad and his brothers are in their 50s and 60s and still do that "Yes it is. No it isn't" crap back and forth. Both sides of my family get along for the most part, everyone having a holiday at my house at a time of our choosing is the issue b/c on my side, My Mom has always done the early celebration, and the other families did the later ones. I was the last one to get married and when DH and I started with the family stuff, both our families wanted to do the celebration at the same time. This is why we started at 12 or 1 last year and I ended up with a few really drunk people at my house b/c I was allowed to do both sides of the family as long as we started early. I now realize that I am better off letting someone else not be happy rather than killing myself to try to make everyone else happy.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 9, 2015 16:49:04 GMT -5
I always felt bad for my dad's brother's family. While my uncle was being treated for bi-polar disease (out-patient), my aunt committed suicide at home on Thanksgiving Day.
It could be worse for many folks here.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Nov 9, 2015 16:49:41 GMT -5
It sounds like they want to see your kids as long as there is not the slightest bit of extra effort required on their part to do so.
I like the suggestion to tell them they are welcome to join your holiday celebration at any time of their choosing or visit with the kids any other day during their stay.
Also, your husband needs to have your back so you can present a united front. You and the kids should be his first priority, not trying to untwist the self-twisted knickers of his less immediate relations. He needs to be the one letting his family know they're being ridiculous and running interference, not leaving it all to you.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 9, 2015 17:39:28 GMT -5
Take heart. I think the Worst in people is now on display Year Round.
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