Lost as a Wedding Planner ~ Not my cup of Tea!

[Deleted]

Daughter is getting married in September. Yes, this September! And, no, not the daughter I was thinking    She's a little impulsive if you didn't guess from the 2-1/2 months notice of the event! She is the artist and sees things differently than her sister and me. She has few funds for the wedding but thinks she can do it all herself. I think that is unrealistic with kids and a job. Her sister and I want to help but without interfering too much, but it is tough!! I will kick money in to help it go more smoothly, but not really sure where or what will be the most important things.

She wants to get married at the very rural home she shares with fiance. She decided she's going to have a roasted pig on a spit (a whole one?) and get a truckload of hay bales for seating. She'd throw various designs of cloth all over the hay to make it comfortable. It will be a small wedding of maybe 50 friends and family that are local. 

My first reaction to 'the plan' wasn't very good. She has never roasted pig on a spit before. Doesn't seem like a very good task when you are in an Italian silk dress. And WHY do you want to food poison your family and guests, or not have food ready at all. You might say she's ambitious and capable of such a feat, but I have lived through many years of her super awesome concepts that result in half-a$$ed results because everything is left to late and just can't be accomplished!

So how do I help my nutty little girl so this can be pulled off? She lives in a 1 bathroom house by the way, and I just cringe at having to get porta-potties but I don't see any other way to deal with 50 people. I think we should have all the food catered as a buffet and get tables and chairs brought in. I started to look at wedding cakes because I know she wants a "real" one. I suddenly realize how completely unqualified I am to plan this thing. I can't even figure out which cakes are tiered or what size you have to buy to get a tiered one. And so on. I am not a party planner and have never played one on TV.

Sorry this is long. I need help! Ideas to smarten up the plan so it is feasible but still has the 'feel' she wants. What are the key things that need to be in place to have 50 people milling around your yard, get them fed, keep them entertained, and have it work!

P.S. I am going to helicopter this because she has a surgery planned the month before & has no concept that you don't just spring back up the next day and become super-woman.

 

[billisonboard]

Does he have a role in this or is it just you three gals?

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I would think that local barbecue places that do catering might be able to help you with the whole pig-on-a-spit scenario (or, umm.... ribs? chicken?) as an alternative.

You might contact a local party rental place and get some prices on tables, chairs and tablecloths. (Don't forget tables for cake, gifts, snacks, etc.)  (Hay bales can be pretty pricey, actually)

The nice people at the wedding cake place/bakery should be able to tell you what size of cake is suggested for 50 people. Cupcakes are also quite popular ... some people are opting for a small "showy" cake and them matching cupcakes.

Twinkle lights are a nice outdoorsy decoration.

Local fresh fruit on beds of leaves can be awesome centerpieces/table decorations. I went to one party that had piles of fresh grapes on every table.... yum! (For us, grapes are local)  People can snack on the fruit and tell them to take it home with them!

What's the likelihood of and plan if it rains in September? Backup location?

Is she planning music? A DJ or band ... may need to be booked sooner v. later.

Is she planning a minister/judge/officiant? .... He/she may need to be booked sooner v. later.

I can't see how you can avoid porta potties. I will note that some are much nicer than others ... consider paying extra for the nicer/bigger ones.

[Deleted]

Jul 2, 2014 23:45:49 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Does he have a role in this or is it just you three gals?

He works out of state part of the year, so I suspect the date is tied to when he will be back. See, I'm hopeless! Even forgot to ask when he is back!

[Deleted]

Jul 2, 2014 23:47:17 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

BBQ Catering, or at least food preparation is available in the area. 
I think hay bales is because the uncle can use them in his fields afterwards, but I'd rather get rental place to do chairs/tables deal.
Tent for rain, but I have to find a rental place that will do set up and tear down. Twinkle lights would be great & maybe a massive plug box somewhere.
Don't know what she was thinking for entertainment. Maybe a DJ. She used to be in the music scene, so she'll know people for that.
A friend of hers is a minister so that is covered.
Thanks for the tip on porta potties.

[billisonboard]

Just to catch at least me up, your "nutty little girl" is how old and what are the ages of her kids? 

[billisonboard]

What would happen if the wedding were imperfect? Would the marriage still exist? 

[Deleted]

30 with kids under 10. Their dad is out of the picture.

The wedding will be extremely imperfect. I would like it not to be a complete disaster. She is in a very rural location. If guests aren't fed & watered there isn't an option to run by a Mickey-D's on the way out. Civilization is about an hour away. There will be non durable great-grandmas and grandmas there. 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Yikes! I'd definitely be pushing her toward catered food - even a roast beef/prime rib with sides (potato salad, green salad, slaw, dinner buns, etc) would be better than trying to roast a whole pig (AND make sure it's fully cooked, then having to carve, serve the darned thing).

A catered roast beef dinner can be really reasonable with a caterer - most also supply serving tables, and chairs for seating. It can still be a "country" wedding without making it too rustic (if you get my drift).

As for bathroom facilities, you'd probably have to definitely rent a couple of porta-potties so people aren't dashing for the house - and then finding the facilities already occupied.

As for the cake, a small decorated tiered cake is inexpensive for the cutting of the cake ceremony, then you have a couple of larger sheet cakes to cut and serve to the guests.

[Peace77]

The next step would be to locate and hire a photographer and videographer, if she wants one.   They can be quite expensive and not many may be willing to travel so far.

Since you said silk, I assume she has her dress.

I agree with the others that a BBQ caterer should be hired.  They can easily offer 2 or 3 different meats.  Roasting a whole pig takes a long time and may be a lot more difficult due to the rural location.  Then, a whole pig is a lot of meat, way more than necessary for 50 people.  There does need to be an alternative as not everyone can eat pork.
 The last event that I went to had a BBQ caterer who offered beef, turkey or ham with a choice of several sauces.  (Each sauce had a description so you didn't have to try them all out to find out to find 1 you liked.)  They had several salads (Greek green salad, potato, bean, and pasta), and a few hot dishes - Mac & cheese and mashed potatoes.  They also had a choice of bread or rolls.

I agree that tables and chairs will be needed.  Perhaps a few hay bales can be used as seating for the children.

I suggest getting at least one handicapped port a potty.  They don't have a step and are larger.  You may also want a portable hand washing station.  

If anyone will be there overnight, you might consider renting a small RV.  That would provide an additional bathroom too.

Cake can come from either a bakery or a grocery store that has a bakery.  The bakery can help with deciding how large and how many tiers to get.  Will she be saving the top tier?

She will need disposable plates, cups, silverware and napkins.

Is she planning on wedding favors?

Decorations?  Stores like Michael"s and AC Moore have whole section for weddings.  

Will the guests throw birdseed or blow bubbles?

[Deleted]

If you tell us the area we could help research, but I'm not sure you want to share that much online... Around here there are lots of local pig andtenr, etc people... Not sure what to say for wedding area? 

[milee]

Pig on a spit is tricky unless you have the large roasting equipment to do it. If she thinks you just build a fire and put the pig on a stick, that's not going to turn out well. Now Kahlua pig - where the whole pig is wrapped in banana leaves and buried under the ground to slowly roast - is easy without equipment and delicious. Since she lives in a rural area, she should start asking her friends who knows how to do this. There is bound to be one or two of the guys who knows how and loves to do this stuff so will volunteer.  Doing the Kahlua pig would also help a little with the whole feeling of community and provide a little entertainment, since it's interesting for people to watch it being unwrapped, etc.

Hay bales are an OK plan, but have a few pitfalls. First, they're a heck of a lot heavier than people think so be prepared for a workout plus getting scratched up unless you're wearing jeans and reasonably thick long sleeve shirts. Speaking of scratchy, they're scratchy as heck, so just putting a cloth over them are not going to make them smooth enough that you'll be able to sit on one in a silk dress without possibly tearing or snagging the dress. If you go hay bales, make sure the guests know it's casual outdoors so they don't wear clothes that are ruined by the hay. Does your daughter sew and own large amounts of cloth? Because if she doesn't, buying that much cloth to drape will cost more than chairs.

I'm not trying to rain on the parade, just offering some thoughts on how to make her ideas work. Good luck and have fun.

[billisonboard]

Jul 3, 2014 0:37:12 GMT -5 @lillylake said:

30 with kids under 10. Their dad is out of the picture.

The wedding will be extremely imperfect. I would like it not to be a complete disaster. She is in a very rural location. If guests aren't fed & watered there isn't an option to run by a Mickey-D's on the way out. Civilization is about an hour away. There will be non durable great-grandmas and grandmas there. 

I am just going to get myself in trouble if I linger here too long so just a song before I go (nod to Graham Nash ):

So if you're tempted to rescue me
Drowning in this quicksand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me
Why don't you ask me if I'm finished yet.

[gooddecisions]

I think it sounds great. Weddings are way too produced these days. She probably wants to keep it low key. Yikes to the port o potty thought. I went to a backyard wedding last August for 75 people. There were no port o pottys set up and it was fine. I didn't even notice. People can go a couple of hours without using the bathroom and if they need to use it, they can go inside. Heck I had parties for hundreds almost every weekend and only had one bathroom. As for that particular backyard wedding, it did end up raining and there was no tent. So we all watched the ceremony under umbrellas and then sat at the tables under our umbrellas. I really felt bad for them that it rained. But the groom was really sweet and said he finally got that kiss in the rain and to dance with his bride in the rain. They had a d.j.

I think you should hold your judgement if want to keep the peace. It's her wedding and if that's her vision, let her have it the way she wants it. Nothing pisses me off more than family trying to talk me out of what I want or decide for me what I want.

Probably the only thing I would say about it is to get someone professional for the pig roast. I know places in my city will do it. Good luck!

[yogiii]

We went to a back yeard wedding a few months ago.  There were two port-o-potties (can't blame them for not wanting people roaming all over the house) and two sitting areas.  Chairs were set up to watch the ceremony and then more chairs with tables under the tent.  The food was catered BBQ and they had a DJ.  It was a fun time.

Not sure I'd want to risk it without a tent or professional pig roaster but as others have said, it's her day.

[alinal]

Why are you turning this into a big production? Does she want a big production? Not everyone wants a traditional wedding experience.

I do agree that you should probably hire a professional "pig roaster" if that's what she really wants. Doesn't seem like something you want to try for the first time on your wedding day.

I have attended several family reunions at an extremely rural location, so that's what I'm picturing for the wedding. It had only one bathroom (although there was also an old outhouse that I think some of the guys used). It worked out fine, if not ideal. They were always potlucks and no one went hungry. I could totally imagine one of the cousins getting married there - it would be totally non-traditional, but fun with the family there to celebrate.

[giramomma]

I assume she has some sort of officiant?

Will everyone be driving in? Will there be alcohol there? Will someone be watching for consumption and then possible driving right afterwards?

How many guests out of the 50 are non-durable?

Honestly, I'd ask your DD what her top three priorities are for the wedding and let that guide how you help her.

We didn't have a dance(!) nor did we have someone videotape the whole thing. But we also had a small reception (40 people), and let's just say DH's 80+ something year old widowed grandma wasn't exactly going be fighting the only other single woman at the reception to try and catch my bouquet..

I know I am very odd, but the wedding ceremony was the most important thing for me. I really could have cared less about the "party" part.

[Deleted]

ok, I was on board until the port-o-potties....the thought of using a port-o-potty while dressed up for a wedding is a little nauseating.  can she do everything she wants somewhere that would have actual  bathrooms for a crowd?

[Deleted]

It doesn't sound like a dress up wedding? 

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2014 8:02:45 GMT -5 oped said:

It doesn't sound like a dress up wedding? 

while everyone may not be in gowns I doubt people are going to be showing up in yoga pants or jeans

[gooddecisions]

Jul 3, 2014 8:02:45 GMT -5 oped said:

It doesn't sound like a dress up wedding? 

I'm curious too. The backyard weddings I've been to have been very casual...as in many guests wear t shirts and shorts or sundresses and sandals.

[Sharon]

The baker will guide your in how to get a tiered cake to feed 50 people.  They just adjust the sizes of the pans to make it work.  It would be easy enough for them to make a tiered cake for 50 without having to have side cakes.

With the location being so very rural you may encounter steep delivery fees, if they are willing to deliver at all.

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2014 8:08:54 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Jul 3, 2014 8:02:45 GMT -5 oped said:

It doesn't sound like a dress up wedding? 

I'm curious too. The backyard weddings I've been to have been very casual...as in many guests wear t shirts and shorts or sundresses and sandals.

the one backyard wedding I went to (in NJ in July - ugh) I wore a dress and high heeled sandals.  I wouldn't have used a port-o-potty dressed like that (but then again I usually avoid anywhere that I would have to use a port-o-potty)..

[Deleted]

Half of my fathers weddings I attended in jeans. It was on the invitation...

[giramomma]

Jul 3, 2014 8:08:54 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Jul 3, 2014 8:02:45 GMT -5 oped said:

It doesn't sound like a dress up wedding? 

I'm curious too. The backyard weddings I've been to have been very casual...as in many guests wear t shirts and shorts or sundresses and sandals.

Maybe weddings are causal where OP's DD lives? We went to DH's cousin's wedding 4ish years ago. It was a wedding in a church, with a fairly large bridal party, and a reception in a nice hotel. Reception was a sit down dinner, and a dance followed.

Folks showed up in shorts and flip flops. And the kid wasn't even wearing nice shorts, it was shorts made out of sweatshirt material.

[billisonboard]

The three mile hike to the waterfall for one of my weddings was made much more difficult by the four year old insisting she wear a dress.  

[Bonny]

My mother was a little horrified about our wedding too.

She had more notice but I was living in the Washington D.C. area and we planned the wedding in San Diego where most of our friends and family were located.

We got married outdoors (in March!) at the campus where we met at a New Year's Eve party hosted by friends. I think mom was most horrified by the large mural of Che Guevarra at the university's coop café. Mom "You're going to cover that up, right?" Me: "Nope that's why it's called the Che Café"  They were kind enough to let us bring our own food in as 26 years ago Vegan food was considered too far out for most people. A favorite family owned restaurant that we had gone to for years catered for us. I got a 25% discount off the menu price for cheese lagsagna with a warning from the owner if I got married again there would be no discount (he was in the middle of divorce #3 ) Mom scored the minister and a cake (made by a Vietnamese baker-a Mille Feuille).

We were never able to make arrangements for a photographer so everyone brought disposable cameras. A friend borrowed a video camera but lost track of when the camera was on and off so there are many minutes of filming the ground and the camera swinging up and turning off at critical moments. It's a pretty funny video.

A friend who was in a band was our DJ

And flowers were arranged by yours truly. The day before the wedding I popped into a local commercial greenhouse and spent the afternoon arranging flowers. It was most relaxing thing I could have possibly done.

It was a very imperfect wedding but we're still together after 26 years.

Try to have fun with it Lilly, it will turn out just fine.

[Formerly SK]

Your DD is 30 and a mother - she's old enough to make her own decisions and do what she wants.  If her wedding becomes a complete disaster, so be it.  They'll have tons of things to laugh about when they reminisce at their 10yr anniversary.  Presumably everyone there knows/loves your DD and already knows she's the "flaky artist" type so if anything goes "wrong" the guests will probably laugh it off too.  But the bigger point is unless she has asked you your opinion or wants you to take over parts of the planning, I don't think you should interfere.  While I totally understand your worry and concerns, it's not your party. 

50 people is not that many people - I go to regular ol' backyard BBQs that have that many people and no we don't bring in port-o-potties.  The wedding will be out in the middle of nowhere - I'm sure the men can/will pee on a tree. 

As your DD starts to make calls to plan this, she may rethink some of her ideas as she gets more info.  For instance hay bales for seating - sounds fun in theory but they make a HUGE mess, are very heavy to move around, don't fit well under tables so I guess it means no table eating, and they are actually pretty pricey.  Plus, what do you do with them after the wedding?  Once your DD starts making calls, she might realize some of these issues on her own and go with Plan B.  I think it's much better for her to go through that process than have you tell her all those points.  One way makes her independent, the other doesn't. 

When I first read the headline I was worried your impulsive DD was jumping into marrying a guy she barely knew.  I'm glad that isn't what this thread is about.  And IMO that's the important thing in all this. 

[Formerly SK]

Jul 3, 2014 8:42:39 GMT -5 Bonny said:

My mother was a little horrified about our wedding too.

She had more notice but I was living in the Washington D.C. area and we planned the wedding in San Diego where most of our friends and family were located.

We got married outdoors (in March!) at the campus where we met at a New Year's Eve party hosted by friends. I think mom was most horrified by the large mural of Che Guevarra at the university's coop café. Mom "You're going to cover that up, right?" Me: "Nope that's why it's called the Che Café"  They were kind enough to let us bring our own food in as 26 years ago Vegan food was considered too far out for most people. A favorite family owned restaurant that we had gone to for years catered for us. I got a 25% discount off the menu price for cheese lagsagna with a warning from the owner if I got married again there would be no discount (he was in the middle of divorce #3 ) Mom scored the minister and a cake (made by a Vietnamese baker-a Mille Feuille).

We were never able to make arrangements for a photographer so everyone brought disposable cameras. A friend borrowed a video camera but lost track of when the camera was on and off so there are many minutes of filming the ground and the camera swinging up and turning off at critical moments. It's a pretty funny video.

A friend who was in a band was our DJ

And flowers were arranged by yours truly. The day before the wedding I popped into a local commercial greenhouse and spent the afternoon arranging flowers. It was most relaxing thing I could have possibly done.

It was a very imperfect wedding but we're still together after 26 years.

Try to have fun with it Lilly, it will turn out just fine.

We had a backyard wedding and I decided to go barefoot (as did my bridesmaids).  I'm pretty sure my MIL (who loves me dearly) was a bit horrified by that. 

[Sam_2.0]

I didn't read it all yet, but wanted to say that I am from BBQ country and caterers will take care of roasting a whole pig for your feast. I would rather pay for someone who knows how to properly prepare and serve it!! It's going to be expensive though.