Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 9:20:58 GMT -5
I say treat the reception as just a normal party... I am sure your daughter can throw a party!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 3, 2014 9:25:06 GMT -5
I think the wedding idea is okay, bales of hay and all. Wedding guest should be advised to dress accordingly for sitting on hay.
A whole roasted pig usually requires a long cooking time. Depending upon the time of the wedding, the cooking of the pig may need to start on the eve before the wedding.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 9:39:28 GMT -5
Casual wedding. Will put jeans & flat shoes recommended on the invite. I am not worried about the low key factor, just want to make sure all the basics that are needed are mostly outsourced and provided. I'd be happier about it if she announced it as a back yard BBQ/pot luck and then surprised everyone by getting married Finding a place to deliver and set up tents with twinkle lights, tables and chairs will be the first challenge. Finding a caterer to take care of pig or bbq will be next. And yes to all, this would be easier if she lived close to a city, but she doesn't. There are places that rent farm tables, benches and mismatch china that are for outdoor weddings and you can do this kind of a set up. So far I can't find anything like this close to her!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 3, 2014 9:48:42 GMT -5
Too bad you don't live close to me, I bet my mother has place settings for a million and as much silverware to go with it. I'd definitely try to convince her to let someone else handle the pig and be prepared for leftovers. Lots of leftovers.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 3, 2014 9:51:23 GMT -5
Are you the wedding planner as your thread title indicates?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 3, 2014 9:53:26 GMT -5
It's an outside picnic, I would go with the "fancy" plastic tableware that can be tossed and done with after the fact. Oriental Trading has some nice options. Make this as easy on yourself as possible!! No one wants to figure out how to get things in there safely, cleaned, and then packed back out!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 9:58:23 GMT -5
My aunt and uncle host a reunion ever year and the are some porta potties that rival the bathrooms in people's homes. I've seen them and used them. Don't panic about that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 10:24:33 GMT -5
My tagging button is not working today, but for all those that say she's 30 and let her make her own mess. No on this one. I've dealt with those kinds of last minute 'I need help' messes before and I'm not willing to do it for a wedding. I'd like nothing better than for her to let me pay for her to have this at a venue and then she can have an after party-bbq & drink fest at her house. She does not want to do that. She's over-reaching on what she will have time to do & seems to have no idea that her surgery will interfere with her physical ability to do things. If the surgery wasn't in the middle of all this, she'd be capable of hay bale moving or whatever else she wants to do. I am not a big fan of the hay idea either. She is relenting on the hay idea since she 'forgot' that she needs tables to feed people. SK, I am sure she will be barefoot They are country, we are city folks. I'm all okay with that and don't need formal. She has a romanticized version (or artistic concept) of what she wants. Just not sure we will be able to get it to where she is. Thinking you can roast a pig for the first time for your wedding seems ridiculous to me, but is logical to her. Who would be doing this roasting? How will you be keeping coyotes off of it if it is overnight cooking? How will you keep your own dog away from it? This is the kind of stuff she thinks is a cool idea because she considers none of what it will take to get it done. She has planned small family events and I have to say horrific would describe it. For this event I would like to intervene ahead of time so it's not uncomfortable or unpleasant for guests just because she can't plan. There is nothing fundamentally wrong or bothersome about a back yard, casual wedding. Getting the supplies and people to the location is going to be a challenge.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 10:26:34 GMT -5
have you suggested that she hire an actual wedding planer that will figure out all these details so you don't have to?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 3, 2014 10:29:17 GMT -5
Does she have any really organized friends she can recruit to help? My sister does the wedding planner job for her church and I suspect it's just the church related parts she's doing, but she is uber organized. Always has been. Loves giving a party and themes and the whole 9 yards. If your DD has a friend like that NOW is the time to see if she can help. It'll go over better coming from the friend that this or that isn't really feasible than it will from Mom.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 10:40:53 GMT -5
Sroo - That's just a pretty picture the farm table rental place in my area has up on their site. Her event isn't that big. I was just looking for places that rent big plank tables or picnic tables. Have not found something like that in her area yet. I will find their local newspaper and see if we can glean any contacts from that. I think we can easily pick up 50 mismatch sets of china from good will or thrift stores & it would be less expensive than renting stuff. Might do it but would rather not deal with clean up & re-homing all the stuff at the end IF I have a choice. If she goes with BBQ prepared by a local place that we can pick up and just put out on a buffet, then I will think about plastic tableware. Her area gets a fair amount of wind, so need to check if that starts in September or if light weight stuff will work. I will also buy plastic/paper plates as back up in case something goes wrong. Costco is excellent for that kind of stuff, so easy & we can use it for the primary meal or not. gooddecisions - I think i will call this a hostile take-over of planning by her sister & I We are establishing what things she is inflexible on and working on how to support it. We both know that planning isn't her forte. I also have to figure out hotel accommodations for her brother and a sister that are flying in. She told them they could stay at my house. Ummm, I live more than 2 hours away! There is a Holiday Inn Express 30-45 minutes from where her house is. I think that is the closest decent hotel I am going to find. There is a little one closer to her, but the ratings don't look very good.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 3, 2014 10:42:39 GMT -5
Your DD needs someone else to roast the pig, because of time and physical constraints, not to mention cooking issues. Underdone pork is not a good idea. Breaking down a whole hog on site is a lot more work than you think. A do-it-all caterer is her best bet. They can supply tables, chairs, serviceware, servers, cooks and cleanup crew.
And once the hay bales are in place, they need to be tarped over, to keep them dry in the event of rain the day/night before. Even in casual clothes, I don't want to sit on a wet hay bale.
And for non-durable folks, if you get porta -potties, make sure to request at least one designed for handicapped use.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 3, 2014 10:47:25 GMT -5
Hire a caterer to do the pig roast. Get large coolers and put beer, water, soda, and a few boxes of wine out. Hay bales are really scratchy. Nix that idea. iPod and a speaker is sufficient for music. Have a great time.
ETA: Port a potties. I wouldn't trust my septic to a day of 50 people who had been drinking.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 3, 2014 10:51:22 GMT -5
... I also have to figure out hotel accommodations for her brother and a sister that are flying in. They incompetent also?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 3, 2014 10:52:21 GMT -5
... I also have to figure out hotel accommodations for her brother and a sister that are flying in. They incompetent also? apparently they don't know how to google...........
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 3, 2014 10:59:28 GMT -5
My aunt and uncle host a reunion ever year and the are some porta potties that rival the bathrooms in people's homes. I've seen them and used them. Don't panic about that. The mother of a friend often has events that require porta potties. She put travel posters in them along with toilet seat covers and little throw rugs. And flowers. Every one gasps and comments. The seat covers/rugs could be a couple of dollars from a Goodwill store.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 11:00:16 GMT -5
These things have granite countertops. Our bathrooms don't even have those!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 3, 2014 11:03:51 GMT -5
Well Lilly I know this is probably not going to help, but - I think your daughter believes that she can just throw "something casual" together and it will be easy-breezy. Um, no. Yanno those Pinterest-Perfect country weddings (like the photo posted)? It takes a LOT of time, effort, energy, coordination and especially money to pull off an "effortless look." In May I attended a young cousin's wedding very similar to what you are describing. Her mother (another cousin) spend weeks having conniptions over all the arrangements. It was on a working farm in the So Cal wine country. No, not one of the fancy-schmancy-all-inclusive-wedding-package wineries out there - a real, dirty, rural farm. With NO amenities of any kind; EVERYTHING had to be brought in from quite some distance out. For the ceremony, thankfully they they had chairs instead of bales (they got married under an old oak tree); Another clearing on the property was used for the reception. Everything had to be trucked in from over an hour away - a great expense. Tables, chairs, place settings, glassware, linens, awnings, umbrellas, food stations, dance floor, lighting, DJ set-up, the bar and cake stations, etc etc etc etc etc. The farmhouse on the property was open only to the wedding party, so they hired porta potties (the fancy trailer ones). They told female guests in advance to wear flat shoes, but several elderly relatives struggled to get around without help - and the one wheelchair guest who was there (her grandpa) had to get out of his chair and be carried by two men over bumps the wheelchair could not navigate . They pulled it off and it was country-lovely, but it cost $$$$$. Most of the expense was the costs of "isolation." You may well need to hijack this wedding . . . Good luck
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 3, 2014 11:03:51 GMT -5
These things have granite countertops. Our bathrooms don't even have those! I've seen those executive style "restroom trailers" and they are nice, I just bet they cost a pretty penny. If it's a septic issue, that's one thing, but I can't see spending the premium just to keep a small group of close friends and family out of your house. What's the big deal? It'd be cheaper to hire a cleaning service.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 11:05:12 GMT -5
Because one toilet isn't going to work. We had 50 some odd people here and have 3 toilets. Even then we had issues with people waiting for someone to get out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:08:50 GMT -5
I say treat the reception as just a normal party... I am sure your daughter can throw a party! I can attest to the fact that she cant
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:11:26 GMT -5
apparently they don't know how to google........... They can google. They were offered to stay at my house & probably have no idea how far away I am. It was stupid of her to do that. I am happy to pay for a hotel for them. Will also offer to pay their airfare. That side of the family is very broke. I can afford to fund it for them so they can come. Money I have. Much influence over a 30 year old's plans - not so much!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:12:41 GMT -5
There is a local farm here that actually does weddings there... We are rural. Might there be something like that?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:33:45 GMT -5
kittensaver That is exactly the problem I am having IF I can even find places willing to deliver out to where she is. She lives in farm country, so it is a long way out from town. oped I would love her to agree to that, but so far she has refused to have it at any sort of venue. There is an apple orchard/working farm about 20 minutes away that I think would be great because they already have tables etc and will arrange catering. She nixed an alternate venue once already. Her sister is working on her to suggest ceremony at the house with just family or her/him/kids then apple orchard venue for food and general guest celebration. Then she can after-party at her house with just their buddies and i don't really care what they do -- me, kids, grannies will all take off. @zib That is one of my main concerns. One old bathroom is not going to handle 50 people eating/drinking. I will look into the upscale porta-potty things. It just seems like it is going to be very costly to do the whole thing in a remote location like she wants @anne81 I doubt she has much of a budget, maybe a couple thousand at the most. I can pay for things. I'm just not a fan of having to pay excessive prices on things that will have to be trucked out to a far away location. She has not properly thought through the implications of what she wants, but that isn't her way to do things. Her sister is checking into a state park in the area to see if the pavilions can be reserved or rented. I think renting local venues + catering will be a lot less costly than trying to get her yard/house into shape + get everything delivered out there. Her impulsive date setting (I think it is an anniversary date for them) gives us little time to investigate options and figure out what could be done. I go back and forth on wanting to help make it reasonable & just dis-inviting grannies and telling her to declare it a pot-luck with a wedding on the side. Good point on alcohol and liability. She will let people tent camp in the yard if they don't want to drive back (or they plan to drink heavily). But she doesn't even have a tent to offer, they'd have to bring their own.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:43:44 GMT -5
I'm going to disagree with everyone saying getting your own dishes/silverware/serving pieces/etc. is cheaper. it may be cheaper for the initial cost but you have to find it, purchase it, bring it to the site, set it up, have extra, collect it at the end, wash it and dispose of it. compared to telling a rental company to set up for x number of people
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:50:49 GMT -5
Gotcha. After reading some of your updates. I think I have a better picture of where you are coming from. From the original post it sounded a bit like 'I want to plan your wedding my way' but I see that it's not exactly the case here. That was kind of the reason that I mentioned the bit about this being a big party. Or you could read it to say that I do not want to do this planning and will be happy to give you money to go do a destination wedding without any of us I'm saving that bribe for a week from now in case we can't figure out how to make 'at home' work. I think his parents might have been married at the house & that is why she is so fixated on having it there.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 3, 2014 12:16:20 GMT -5
My tagging button is not working today, but for all those that say she's 30 and let her make her own mess. No on this one. I've dealt with those kinds of last minute 'I need help' messes before and I'm not willing to do it for a wedding. I'd like nothing better than for her to let me pay for her to have this at a venue and then she can have an after party-bbq & drink fest at her house. She does not want to do that. She's over-reaching on what she will have time to do & seems to have no idea that her surgery will interfere with her physical ability to do things. If the surgery wasn't in the middle of all this, she'd be capable of hay bale moving or whatever else she wants to do. I am not a big fan of the hay idea either. She is relenting on the hay idea since she 'forgot' that she needs tables to feed people. SK, I am sure she will be barefoot They are country, we are city folks. I'm all okay with that and don't need formal. She has a romanticized version (or artistic concept) of what she wants. Just not sure we will be able to get it to where she is. Thinking you can roast a pig for the first time for your wedding seems ridiculous to me, but is logical to her. Who would be doing this roasting? How will you be keeping coyotes off of it if it is overnight cooking? How will you keep your own dog away from it? This is the kind of stuff she thinks is a cool idea because she considers none of what it will take to get it done. She has planned small family events and I have to say horrific would describe it. For this event I would like to intervene ahead of time so it's not uncomfortable or unpleasant for guests just because she can't plan. There is nothing fundamentally wrong or bothersome about a back yard, casual wedding. Getting the supplies and people to the location is going to be a challenge. I still don't understand - why don't you say no to rescuing her? If she regularly creates crises because of lack of planning, why do you have to bail her out? Let her face the consequences of her decisions. Also, what's the difference between a potluck/BBQ with surprise wedding and what she is proposing? Either way there is food, traveling, etc. I don't understand why calling it a wedding in advance means the event needs to change. It sounds like you have a preconceived idea of what weddings should be like. And yes, I don't see why you need to be arranging/paying for accommodations for grownups unless they are somehow disabled in some way. If someone can't figure out they need to get a room near the event, well now's a good time for them to learn those skills. Again, I think you are being way too stressed over this. It's her day and she has her own vision. Honestly I think it's sweet she wants to get married at the same place her ILs got married, and on a sentimental day. She prefers that over having time to arrange "proper" catering and logistics. We had paper plates and plastic forks at our wedding (oh the gall!) and if someone judged me for it than F them. I didn't care about that stuff. We had AWESOME BBQ and dancing until midnight and 11 years later our friends still rave about our wedding. Regardless, though, I still think you need to step back. You don't need to do a "hostile takeover" of her wedding. Give her whatever money you plan to, tell her you'll not interfere, and enjoy your summer. If it's true your DD can't stand on her own two feet without bailouts, this experience will be a good first step towards her learning those skills.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:18:32 GMT -5
@sroo Would love to do that & she will agree and say she will do the stuff but won't actually get to it. I know how this goes with her!
Sis & I will put together ideas, plans, options and costs this week. You are all giving me good things to think about that I would have missed! When she sees the costs of getting things delivered out to her (or having to buy them if there isn't delivery) then maybe she will see why a venue that has it all put together is really a better choice. I'm going to check beer/wine/alcohol prices this morning. That budget line item might drive her to a venue with a cash bar!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:26:10 GMT -5
@sroo Would love to do that & she will agree and say she will do the stuff but won't actually get to it. I know how this goes with her! Sis & I will put together ideas, plans, options and costs this week. You are all giving me good things to think about that I would have missed! When she sees the costs of getting things delivered out to her (or having to buy them if there isn't delivery) then maybe she will see why a venue that has it all put together is really a better choice. I'm going to check beer/wine/alcohol prices this morning. That budget line item might drive her to a venue with a cash bar! don't do a cash bar....either provide alcohol or don't provide it, but don't make guests pay for things at a party you're inviting them to.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:26:26 GMT -5
@formerlysk Her father had the same issues. No amount of 'learning' pushed the re-set or 'get a clue' button for him. I won't do 11th hour rescues, but if the need for rescue can be prevented I'd rather be doing that part of it. We recently decided to fully step out of planning for a small family event to let her do it her way. It did not go well. I'm not going into details, but it was bad.
If she had a potluck BBQ with a surprise wedding she wouldn't be inviting people who have to fly in for the event. If she was having a backyard bbq for her gym buddies, I wouldn't care if there was dog poop in the grass. She could give them all rakes when they arrive and tell them to take care of it. You don't do that for a wedding party.
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