Are you expected to save your relatives?

[Deleted]

My 40 year old brother has not worked a regular job in two years. He inherited money and spent it all. He had a breakdown when he was on his last two dollars and ended up in the hospital. Now that he's out my parents keep hinting that they want me to take him in. My mother e-mailed me asking me if I would store his furniture.

He did live with us last year for three months. It was a nightmare. He didn't help out around the house after the first couple of weeks. Our utilities went up $100 per month between his computer usage and raising our garage door up and down multiple times to go out for a smoke. He moved out and stopped talking to us. Now my parents have both said that he realized he made a big mistake and he doesn't have anywhere to go. I feel bad for him but I don't want him living in my house. I am angry that my parents seem to expect that I should take him in.

[Deleted]

In my culture the answer is a reasoning YES!!!

But at the end if the day you must do what is right for you and your family.

My brother called from Haiti to ask me for $500 to pay for College. I have it but I know it is a slippery slope: $500 turns into $1,000 in 3 months and that turns into $5,000 like 3 years ago when I said Hell NO!

As I explained to my mom: I am American NOW! As in my wife and myself (and any kids we might have) comes first, our well being comes first. I will not put us in Jeopardy trying to save/help cousins/brothers/aunts and uncles.

I refuse to do so and I have closed the bank of Carl 2 years ago. Been sleeping great!

Do what is right for YOU, not what your parents expect you to do.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the support. I think that my extended family sees that my DH makes good money and so they don't think it's an imposition.

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2013 22:08:42 GMT -5 cyanne said:

Thanks for the support. I think that my extended family sees that my DH makes good money and so they don't think it's an imposition.

I think we are related lol!!!

Because my extended family feels the same way. I love to remind them it is "our" money as in my wife and I... Not "our" money as in the whole damn family.

[mmhmm]

You did your part for your brother, cyanne.  He didn't appreciate it, and he didn't make the best use of your assistance.  Now, your brother's well-being needs to be up to your brother.  He'll never succeed at anything if people keep bailing him out of the messes he makes for himself.  I've got a brother just like that.  I know from experience.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the support everyone! Honestly I haven't responded to my mom's e-mail because I can't decide whether the best course it to ignore the request or send a fairly direct response stating what I think. I'm sure if I ignore the e-mail I will receive a phone call soon.

[Peace77]

If your parents feel that someone should take him in, why don't they take hîm in?

if he felt that staying at your place was so bad that he wouldn't speak to you afterwards, I wouldn't take him back.

There are homeless shelters if he can't afford an apartment or room in a house.

i agree with responding to the email.

[mmhmm]

Mar 14, 2013 22:17:38 GMT -5 cyanne said:

Thanks for the support everyone! Honestly I haven't responded to my mom's e-mail because I can't decide whether the best course it to ignore the request or send a fairly direct response stating what I think. I'm sure if I ignore the e-mail I will receive a phone call soon.

I think I'd respond to the email, cyanne, and state your case clearly and distinctly.

[Tennesseer]

I was just going to ask-why can't your parents take him in.  Peace77 is on the ball.

[Tennesseer]

Take some reasonable time to craft your response to your mother.  Write it today (or tomorrow or Saturday) then wait a day before sending it.  Read it again before you send it in case you want to add or delete something.

[Deleted]

If you and your Mother are communicating by e-mail, it's easier to head it off thru e-mail than wait and get a phone call. At least it would be for me. I can get caught off guard with my responses on a phone call moreso than e-mail. Either way, you should probably go ahead and deal with it and get it over with.

If helping your brother would disrupt your household, my answer would be no. Especially since you've tried it before and it didn't work out so well. Saying no to family can be difficult (been there, done that) but you have to do what's best for you and your husband. Good luck!

[resolution]

We are storing furniture for my BIL and SIL in the basement. I don't consider the furniture an imposition because we have plenty of room.

Since you tried letting your bother live with you before and it didn't work out, I think you should respond to your mom's email and tell her that you had too many problems last time and you aren't willing to have him live with you again. Most likely she will keep bringing it up until you give her a firm "no", so you might as well do it now.

[resolution]

You might also want to think about any other help you could give your brother that is less intrusive than having him move in with you. Do you have storage space for his stuff that you wont need? Could you help him with his resume or job search? Could you give him a ride to look for apartments or provide him with a list of some social service agencies that may help him? If you helped him with money for a deposit would he actually use it for the deposit?

[dannylion]

Just tell your mother and your brother that it would be impossible for you to take him in.  Do not offer reasons, just that it would be impossible.  Any reason you offer will be seen as an opportunity for rebuttal and manipulation.  You should not feel guilty about this.  Your brother is 40 years old, for Pete's sake.  He should be expected to solve his own problems.  It is extremely unfair of your mother to try to convince you to take him in.  You have a right to your own life the way you want it.  You've done your part.  Your brother squandered the opportunity he had when you took him in before, so he's on his own now. 

[lurkyloo]

What dannylion said.  I'd email her that "No, I don't think that's a good idea."  And leave it at that.  Definitely keep it to email if you can...and if she keeps pushing tell her she's free to help him however she sees fit but to leave you out of it.

At 40 your brother should be self-sufficient.  If you wanted to help him, that would be fine.  But you're under no obligation, and not wanting to help him is also fine (possibly better than fine since you're not enabling him).

Good luck, and remember that other people can only control as much of your life as you allow.

[Peace Of Mind]

Email your mom that you will be more than happy to help by sending him the want ads or suggest career counseling places for him to get some advice and guidance on what work would best fit him.

Peace said the same thing that came to my mind too.  If they are so concerned in helping him they can let him move in with them. 

Carl - Seriously?!  You need to send your family copies of your SL loan debts and ask THEM for help.  Good Lord what nerve they have!  Oh, and can you give me some money?  <<sticks out hand>> 

[DVM gone riding]

I tell my mother point blank that I will let my bro be homeless. Older bro tells her the same thing so at least two of us are on the same page.  She can let him stay with her all she wants he doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for him he is lazy as sin works an hour "helping" and thinks he had earned something and he smokes like a chimney! He will be 35 this year and has never had a regular job in his entire life.  My parents shipped him off to some friend in a different state that was willing to take him in, sure to come back more screwed up but at least they are getting a break for a couple of months.

My mom is a different story her of course I would take in but I get there are some parents that are so screwed up that you wouldn't.

[cronewitch]

I would do for others what I think they would do for me if I was in need.

My mom and younger brother are great people. When I moved out of my marital home suddenly with no place to go my parents let me live with them. My brother stored my stuff in his basement and helped me move. Mom let my older brother live rent free with her from about age 50-60 doing no chores unless asked. My younger brother & wife took in mom years ago and treats her royally. I know if I had a real need they would see I had a place to live even if not with them. When SIL's mother was broke and needed to retire they found her low income housing and set her up with furniture. She had abandoned her husband 7 kids and nobody felt like doing more for her.

So when I see a need I ask myself what they would do for me then use that as a guide. This week a young man was shot and killed in a home invasion robbery. His dad, brother and god father are coworkers. They are taking up a collection for the family. I like his god father and talked to the brother once, never spoke to the father that I know of. If I had a death in my family they wouldn't donate so I probably won't donate to them. I would have to go look for the person taking the collection so it would be a bit of trouble to do it. The company is giving all of them bereavement leave even if the god father doesn't get it by contract. They should get 3 days but took off Tuesday morning the haven't been back all week. I bet we pay them 4 days since they are all long term employes one over 30 years. I am sorry for their loss but they aren't my friends or family.

[Deleted]

Cyanne,
My mom used to try to guilt trip me into helping my brothers out.  I helped my older brother out a few times while he was going through an ugly divorce, but then I saw that he didn't learn his lesson when he called and asked me to pay his lawyer fees for a 2nd bankruptcy.  I said no and he really hasn't talked to me in a few years.

My younger brother is a worthless piece of crap.  He has never really held a job other than Burger King...which he got fired from for smoking pot on his break.  He is 30 and is couch surfing because he can't hold a job and doesn't want to live by my parents' rules (rules like NO drugs on their property, no GROWING drugs on their property, no abusing girlfriend, ...yeah, he is a real piece of work).  But even though he is like this, my mom STILL thinks that I should help him out.  She thinks that we are wealthy and that if we could just help him get on his feet he would turn his life around.  I remind her all the time about all the times SHE has helped him out and he STILL is a mess.  I have flat out refused ANY help at all.  No emotional support, nothing.  I know I sound cold, but he has been babied and coddled his entire life and never forced to face consequences for his actions.  I will not help him.

[milee]

If you don't want your brother to live with you, think long and hard before you agree to store his furniture.

Realize that any "temporary" storage is likely to become essentially permanent and could even eventually involve your brother using it as an in to come and join his stuff.  ie - you come home one day and he's sitting in your basement on his own sofa.  Because let's be real here, he is not at 40 suddenly going to become gainfully employed with his own place.  You are going to be stuck with that stuff for a long, long time and it will come with an endless attachment to him as well.

[kjto1]

And it would probably be easier to firmly respond by email, than dealing with an emotional phone call.
Good Luck!

[mmhmm]

After thinking about this overnight, I'd suggest you keep all discussions with regard to your brother in emails.  Just refuse to discuss it in telephone calls, as they can get pretty emotional.  In emails, you don't have to listen to the begging, pleading, crying, and what not.  Your life belongs to you, not your brother.  You need to take steps to keep it that way.  Otherwise, he'll suck you dry.

[Wisconsin Beth]

What I like about sending an email is that when the phone call comes (come on, we all know there's going to be followup from the parents on this) is that you can say "Mom, I'm done discussing this.  I said no in my email." and then stick to it. 

[Deleted]

What everyone else said! Good luck, and I am sorry your family is putting you through this. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I understand Crone's point of view, but at the same time, as long as the OP's brother doesn't have a genuine disability that precludes him from ALL forms of employment, then letting him move in is just enabling the guy.

The situation doesn't necessarily require a coldhearted response.  IF he has the ability -- physically and intellectually -- to support himself and live independently -- then the most loving thing one can do for him is to gently push him to do just that -- get a job and a place to live.  I don't personally know much about "breakdowns", but I can only assume that one usually recovers from them(?).  So, his recovery isn't really complete until he's back on his feet LIVING his life and not marking time till death comes in the OP's basement, kwim?

I would simply, lovingly, but firmly tell your mother that you can't help him -- because you don't have the therapeutic training to help him get back on his feet, living and enjoying life.  

[Deleted]

Cyanne.....don't do it. He's 40, out of your parents house.......and your mom is asking you to store his furniture (meaning she wants him to remain out of her house and become someone else's...err YOUR problem..) You already tried to help him and it didn't go smoothly, enough said.

20 yrs ago, I did the same thing  w/ a brother of mine. Disaster! I was a couple years post divorce/2 kids/5,9...22 credits per semester at college, bustin' my a** 20 hrs./day, literally living on pepto bismol (stress)...while he laid on my couch flipping a tv remote and eating my food.  He didn't find work, took my car after I'd fall asleep, wasn't there the following morning when I had to get kids to school and my butt to class....<steaming>) It lasted 3 months before I returned him to my Dad's and explained why he could not continue to live with me. No surprise to my Dad...

I've been remarried 14 years, brother is now 50...Dad passed 19 yrs. ago and he hasn't changed at all. He doesn't drive, works 10 hrs. a week doing simple landscaping work for my BIL's home and business and sleeps in my other sister's basement.


..what's that saying again..?....'No good deed goes unpunished'.....yep..so true..

[zibazinski]

No, no, no, no, no. Listen to us. It won't end well. It didn't end well before. Don't do it. If you want put the email you want to send here and we will critique it but no matter what you say, your mom is going to call you. Is your DH willing to be the bad guy if you don't feel strong enough?

[Deleted]

Mar 15, 2013 7:35:32 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

What everyone else said! Good luck, and I am sorry your family is putting you through this. 

 It's always so hard to say NO to people you care about.... good luck!
 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

God I hope my parents don’t expect me to take care of my brother someday because the answer is NO.  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

DH and I already had that discussion and we’re both in agreement that should something happen to my parents before my brother gets his act together, sorry but he is on his own.  I already have enough on my plate.  <o:p></o:p>

I can’t stop my parents from enabling him.  They are our parents and he is there kid.   I am NOT his parent and therefore feel no obligation whatsoever to be responsible for him.   It’s not my duty to take over being his parent.   <o:p></o:p>

Of course this attitude doesn’t endear me to anyone.  Even DH has said I am a hard ass, but he keeps his mouth shut when I ask if he really wants my brother couch surfing and smoking pot in our house.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

-- then the most loving thing one can do for him is to gently push him to do just that<o:p></o:p>

I don’t believe that it is the siblings job to do this.   Her parents (and mine) should have done it a LONG time ago.  It shouldn’t be up to the responsible siblings to try to make the irresponsible ones step up to the plate.  We’re not their parents, we are not their therapists, we are not their live coaches.

 It shouldn’t be assumed that we somehow owe them because we managed to pull our heads out of our asses.<o:p></o:p>

[Deleted]

I don’t believe that it is the siblings job to do this.   Her parents (and mine) should have done it a LONG time ago.  It shouldn’t be up to the responsible siblings to try to make the irresponsible ones step up to the plate.  We’re not their parents, we are not their therapists, we are not their live coaches.

 It shouldn’t be assumed that we somehow owe them because we managed to pull our heads out of our asses