midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2013 15:16:55 GMT -5
I agree - but I think there's a difference between making the best of a bad situation vs deliberately choosing to place yourself in a bad situation and then saying "Oh well, I'll make the best of it." Especially when the fallout also affects those who don't have a choice in the matter.
As many have said, you can't exactly send kids back once they're here... so I will never see a little planning/forethought as a negative.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 15:17:12 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 15:18:31 GMT -5
What happens to us in life makes us who we are. I grew up a latch key kid of a single mom who worked all the time and left me at relatives on the weekends so she could go out and party. It is what it is. She was young, Dad was in Vietnam, then out of the picture entirely. I absolutely hated her as a teenager, but we're good now. I realized she was just doing what she had to to get by and I really WAS cramping her style, but she loved me and did her best. She's also a completely different person now than she was 35 some years ago. She got married after I graduated from high school, raised my step brothers, battled cancer... I always use the old Bill Cosby line on my kids, "that is NOT my mother, that is some old person trying to get into heaven now!" When I sit and think about it, my Mom never took me on a single vacation ever before I was 30 something. Not one. I remember one day at an amusement park, but no zoos, no waterparks, no roadtrips, nothing. I did go a lot of places with Grandma and Grandpa though...including Hawaii at 9, but I hardly remember that.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 15:20:35 GMT -5
Mid, you can go to Florida with us if you want
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 15:22:56 GMT -5
I think I got a little revenge this year when my sisters were both taking their families skiing, so they decided to go to the same place, and then invited me and my family to join them (guilt - woo hoo.) Someone told my parents, and then they felt like they needed to come, even though they don't ski. So, we all spent all day together on the slopes, and they sat in the hotel and read, waiting for us to come home for dinner. LOL. It was a great trip. We all had a really good time together. My poor kids were the only ones their age. They had a great time, but couldn't wait to go home and find other kids to play with.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 26, 2013 15:28:02 GMT -5
Squirting out 20 kids just because you have a ovary full of eggs isn't worthy of applause.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p> But it is worthy of a TV contract with TLC.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 15:29:10 GMT -5
It's perfectly ok to prioritize 'money', or travel, or free time, etc. over raising kids, or more kids. As long as you act on those priorities/ don't ask someone else to sacrifice for your priorities. So, I would not call this 'misplaced values' ... The values weren't what was off, but having the child despite those priorities. I think this statement just made everything clear to me. If you don't live your life following your true values, then you are far more likely to have regrets. If you have extra kids because you feel you should even though you were wanting to retire by 50 & travel a lot, you will not live the life you want & might have regrets. If you decide to only have 1 kid because by YMer standards you couldn't possibly afford more even if early retirement & full college savings aren't a priority for you, then you will more likely regret it. So the real key if to figure out your true priorities/values & not just what you feel your priorities should be or following what others are pushing you to do. This & a few other posts on this thread have really helped clarify things for me. Thank you all.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 16:00:01 GMT -5
That is all true GRG - but that doesn't mean you just wash your hands of someone else's experiences and pretend they won't matter in your life. Hearing about what has hurt others can be a gage on what you should attempt not to do to your children. Or at least something to consider as you are living your life. ITA, Thyme.
I am deeper in real life than I appear to be on t.v. (or on this board).
My own childhood was, *at times*, an absolute horror show in every sense of the word. Some of the horror was a matter of my parents' bad choices, and some was beyond their control. It was what it was. They were human beings with human faults and human shortcomings. I could let the horrors define who I am now, or I can choose to focus on the happy moments and move on and live my own life defined by those, instead.
As for my own children, I am far from clueless, or so I think. The horror show I grew up with at times has never been repeated in my children's lives so I do consider what is harmful to children. If anything, I am probably far too selfless. So much of my children's younger lives was driven by their individual and unusual needs. I sacrificed enormously to get them where they are today. But, don't misunderstand me, I am not seeking a pat on the back. I believe that is what parents do when circumstances so warrant it. These days, our daily lives are still largely driven by my kids' needs and activities. Not in a selfish, bratty kind of way -- but, because that is the season of my life right now -- prepping my kids to launch into their own lives. In time, I will have more free time than I might want and I can do all of those things I want to do then. And, I will do everything I want then because I don't want to be one of those parents who cling to and hover over their adult children. I will say that one of the better things my parents did for me was to let me launch. I plan to do the same for my children. But, right now, I am still actively guiding them on a daily basis.
My point is, we all have/had drama and trauma in our lives. That's the human condition at play -- we're an emotional species. I totally agree we should learn from the pain in our lives (and in others'), but it doesn't have to define us or cloud our lives unless we choose to do so.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Feb 26, 2013 16:00:04 GMT -5
I don't regret planning my children so that everything was as pleasant as possible. Meh. Sometimes the best parts of life (and ourselves) come through in the most unpleasant experiences. That's nonsense. While "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a lovely cliche and all, I think it's best to try to plan on not going through many truly unpleasant experiences when you can. The truth is that a lot of time when bad things happen they really just make you hurt or sad or cynical, not necessarily better.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 16:01:37 GMT -5
Please tell me these mugs can actually be purchased...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 16:07:16 GMT -5
Meh. Sometimes the best parts of life (and ourselves) come through in the most unpleasant experiences. That's nonsense. While "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a lovely cliche and all, I think it's best to try to plan on not going through many truly unpleasant experiences when you can. The truth is that a lot of time when bad things happen they really just make you hurt or sad or cynical, not necessarily better. Does anyone plan for bad things? All the worst things in my life were unplanned. Some turned out to be blessings in disguise, some just sucked, but there wasn't too much planning involved.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 16:12:03 GMT -5
That's nonsense. While "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a lovely cliche and all, I think it's best to try to plan on not going through many truly unpleasant experiences when you can. The truth is that a lot of time when bad things happen they really just make you hurt or sad or cynical, not necessarily better. Does anyone plan for bad things? All the worst things in my life were unplanned. Some turned out to be blessings in disguise, some just sucked, but there wasn't too much planning involved. LOL, I'm planning on a layoff sometime next year & 2 years of unemployment during which we will almost lose the house to foreclosure. It will be tough, but think how strong we will all be after we make it through.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Feb 26, 2013 16:12:20 GMT -5
That's nonsense. While "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a lovely cliche and all, I think it's best to try to plan on not going through many truly unpleasant experiences when you can. The truth is that a lot of time when bad things happen they really just make you hurt or sad or cynical, not necessarily better. Does anyone plan for bad things? All the worst things in my life were unplanned. Some turned out to be blessings in disguise, some just sucked, but there wasn't too much planning involved. Most rational people do not plan for bad things of course. But trivializing an effort to plan things to be pleasant with a "meh, unpleasant things make you better" mentality strikes me as wrong. Sometimes bad things are just bad, and no good comes out of them at all. Acting as though every bad experience should turn you into a better human being is just dismissive of people's pain.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 16:32:45 GMT -5
Sure, I plan. But, I am not married to my plan. I don't go looking for unpleasant things, but poop happens. When even the best-laid plans fail, and they often do, at some point one makes a choice to either let the pain from the failure define and control them or to learn/grow from the pain and move on. That's not dismissing someone else's pain. That's accepting the pain and finding a way to move on and live life. Besides, how can anyone ever truly empathize with another's pain if one has never felt pain themselves?
I dunno. I don't want to raise kids who think life is a cake walk and all glittery hearts and unicorns and sunny skies. Life is good, but life is also damn hard at times. To me, a well-lived life means accepting all of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the painful that life has to offer. But, I am a diehard half-glass-full kind of girl. Apologies to those who have seen me post this before, but the following plaque is in a prominent spot in my kitchen:
"Life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well-preserved body, but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, bruised and battered, shouting 'Holy Sh*t, what a ride!'"
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Feb 26, 2013 16:42:37 GMT -5
Sure, I plan. But, I am not married to my plan. I don't go looking for unpleasant things, but poop happens. When even the best-laid plans fail, and they often do, at some point one makes a choice to either let the pain from the failure define and control them or to learn/grow from the pain and move on. That's not dismissing someone else's pain. That's accepting the pain and finding a way to move on and live life. Besides, how can anyone ever truly empathize with another's pain if one has never felt pain themselves?
I dunno. I don't want to raise kids who think life is a cake walk and all glittery hearts and unicorns and sunny skies. Life is good, but life is also damn hard at times. To me, a well-lived life means accepting all of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the painful that life has to offer. But, I am a diehard half-glass-full kind of girl. Apologies to those who have seen me post this before, but the following plaque is in a prominent spot in my kitchen:
"Life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well-preserved body, but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, bruised and battered, shouting 'Holy Sh*t, what a ride!'"
I don't disagree with that. Shit happens (again with the cliches) and we all deal with it to the best of our abilities. But responding to a comment that someone is planning their life to give their family a pleasant experince with a "meh" is dismissive no matter how you want to spin it. I can be plenty dissmissive, but even I am not sure what the point is in negating someone's plan to give their kids what they hope to be a good life.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 26, 2013 16:55:33 GMT -5
Man this thread hammers home that no matter what I do my kid is screwed. I get told at every family gathering with DH’s family I am doing untold psychological damage to my kid if I choose to not have another one. Then this thread, along with my own hang-ups about my brother make me think I am going to screw her up AND the other kid by having more than one. Whether it be younger sibling issues like my brother has or older sibling issues like I have or “third wheel” syndrome, favoritism etc. Maybe I should just stop investing in her 529 and put that money aside for therapy now. I get Golden’s perspective because I can’t really control who I was born to or who my sibling is, I have to live my life and move on. On the flip side I also totally understand where everyone is coming from with their hang-ups and wanting to avoid those with their own kids. Gah, maybe I should take that money and use it on therapy for myself.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 26, 2013 16:55:45 GMT -5
I think there is a difference between difficult/unpleasant things and bad things. There is also a difference between having these things happen as a child or as an adult. I think diffifult things do make you stronger. I look at my life the last 18 months and I have a pattern of saying I can't take any more, have a good cry. Then I brush myself off, say it isn't the end of the world, I can take this and move on. But the things in my life have been difficult, not bad. My husband has chronic pain/back problems, not cancer. My pregnancy was difficult, but I have a healthy baby. The deaths of my Grandma and Great Uncle have left a hole in my life, but their passing wasn't unexpected or a tragedy.
I do think I am so much stronger than I was 2 years ago. I think I have grown as a person, grown as wife, become a better mother, and a better employee. I've also had smaller trials leading up to the bigger ones. If some of things that had happened in the last 18 months had happened 6 years ago, it would have been a different story. But I have been tested now and I can handle it now. I could let the hard things and difficult things take over my life and be a bitter bitch, but why? I kind of like the person those things have made me. So yeah, I've spent the last month saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" because if I don't, I would be bumbling mess and my family needs me to stronger than that. I have to little kids that depend on me and they don't need me crying my eyes out because life is hard. They need to play with them, take care of them and enjoy them while they are little.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 16:57:30 GMT -5
"Life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well-preserved body, but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, bruised and battered, shouting 'Holy Sh*t, what a ride!'"
I really like that.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 26, 2013 17:46:00 GMT -5
I'm feeling a lot more freedom now that DS is four and over 42 inches tall. It would be very difficult for me to go back and start over with the baby stage. Not all babies sleep well in slings and if you want to be actively involved in some activities then it's difficult to do with a big age gap. DS if only four and 3.5 feet tall!!!! ?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 17:55:47 GMT -5
I'm feeling a lot more freedom now that DS is four and over 42 inches tall. It would be very difficult for me to go back and start over with the baby stage. Not all babies sleep well in slings and if you want to be actively involved in some activities then it's difficult to do with a big age gap. DS if only four and 3.5 feet tall!!!! ? Isn't that about average? I think that is around my DS's height also.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 18:30:06 GMT -5
DS if only four and 3.5 feet tall!!!! ? Isn't that about average? I think that is around my DS's height also. My 2 and a half year old is over 3 feet tall...at least he probably is. The last time he went to the doctor was last November and he was exactly 3 feet then.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 18:31:50 GMT -5
Shit is going to happen, that is why I try not to take a bunch of proverbial laxatives. I know it will come on it's own.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 18:37:05 GMT -5
Isn't that about average? I think that is around my DS's height also. My 2 and a half year old is over 3 feet tall...at least he probably is. The last time he went to the doctor was last November and he was exactly 3 feet then. My 18 month old is 35".
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 18:42:49 GMT -5
My 2 and a half year old is over 3 feet tall...at least he probably is. The last time he went to the doctor was last November and he was exactly 3 feet then. My 18 month old is 35". Now that sounds tall to me!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 18:46:39 GMT -5
My 2 and a half year old is over 3 feet tall...at least he probably is. The last time he went to the doctor was last November and he was exactly 3 feet then. My 18 month old is 35". I got curious and had to dig the old growth chart. That's what my son was at his 18 month appt. too. I should measure him again because I think he seems a lot less "fatter" than before. He still weighs 35 pounds, so he must have stretched out.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 18:50:06 GMT -5
I got curious and had to dig the old growth chart. That's what my son was at his 18 month appt. too. I should measure him again because I think he seems a lot less "fatter" than before. He still weighs 35 pounds, so he must have stretched out. Holy crap, he did! 39.5 inches.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2013 19:07:06 GMT -5
<<seriously depressed that I am barely 2 feet taller than an 18mo>>
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Feb 26, 2013 19:11:57 GMT -5
<<seriously depressed that I am barely 2 feet taller than an 18mo>> LMAO!!! Don't be sad. You are fun size!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 19:17:46 GMT -5
<<seriously depressed that I am barely 2 feet taller than an 18mo>> LOL I'm only 5'5". My 10 year old is now 5'1". Once he hits puberty he's going to tower over me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 19:57:52 GMT -5
GRG - you can get the mug from Cafe Press. captain - at 42 inches DS is in the 90th percentile for height for his age. 42 inches tends to be the cut off for a lot of rides, bounce houses, and other children's attractions. It's nice that he's able to join in.
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