Regret having too many kids?

[Deleted]

Feb 25, 2013 21:54:35 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

And this way we don't have to worry about rushing home from work, cook or clean.

Are you planning on paying her? Will she "work" certain hours? I don't understand how you expect this arrangement to be.

My parents live a block from my sister. My mom and dad watched my nephew for over a year at my sister's place (so my nephew wouldnt have to get out). Now that he is older,they have a babysitter come to the house but my parents stop by daily. I dont know why everybody is so astonished at grandparents who want to take care of their kids without getting paid. It must be cultural differences because so many grandparents take care of their grandkids in my culture and noone mentions money. There is no way!

[Deleted]

Feb 25, 2013 22:21:45 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

Feb 25, 2013 21:54:35 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

Are you planning on paying her? Will she "work" certain hours? I don't understand how you expect this arrangement to be.

My parents live a block from my sister. My mom and dad watched my nephew for over a year at my sister's place (so my nephew wouldnt have to get out). Now that he is older,they have a babysitter come to the house but my parents stop by daily. I dont know why everybody is so astonished at grandparents who want to take care of their kids without getting paid. It must be cultural differences because so many grandparents take care of their grandkids in my culture and noone mentions money. There is no way!

Same for my culture, and it is not unheard of or a shocker to have multi-generational homes.

[kgb18]

I dont know why everybody is so astonished at grandparents who want to take care of their kids without getting paid.

My parents and my inlaws are the people who provide us childcare, and they will not accept money. That part isn't surprising to me. But our arrangement is a bit different than live-in help. For the most part, I take the kids there. My MIL isn't cooking, cleaning, etc. And it's not full-time. Some weeks we need more help than others, but it's usually not more than 25 hours a week. That's why I was curious how the arrangement would work with Carl's MIL living with them and taking on more household work.

[susanb]

Feb 25, 2013 17:54:49 GMT -5 Angel! said:

 If a person knows they want kids & no one actually regrets having more children, yet they often regretting not having enough kids, then why advise against it?

The only time I have advised someone against having more children was in RL and it was because the parents' life skills and finances were already overwhelmed by the children they had.  Their children are now being raised in an emotionally and financially insecure environment, which seems like a high cost for kids to pay so that their parents don't have to have an occasional pang of regret. 

This isn't to say that having more children isn't a solid choice for many, but it certainly isn't a good choice for all. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

My personal experience is a bit different: I don't regret having the two children I gave birth to. I did for many years regret starting the process at age 17. I've made it to a place in my life now that all is well, but that first five years was incredibly difficult. The next five years, was better as I'd finished my BS and MA and got a decent paying job. Part of my issue was marrying my first husband and having our second child together even when I knew our marriage was futile. So, I second the notion of the actual human beings I've hung out with for the past 15 and 11 years I wouldn't ever give back. The process wasn't great.

[SlimSadie]

I have 3 and admit regret may have crossed my mind during the middle – high school years. Finances weren’t a problem, but the lack of time was. It’s hard to stay "on top of things" in such a busy house. No matter how much you want to support child #1 at her tennis tournament, help #2 with their homework, and just talk to #3 about what’s going on in his life, there’s only 24 hours in a day. I often felt I could have been a better mother if I had less children.
.

But now we are all older…#3 is headed off to college this fall…#2 is in Europe pursuing her career, and #1 is married, and we’ve survived – even thrived – through those hectic years, although it was anything but fun at times. I am thoroughly enjoying my kids as young adults…not only their relationships with me, but witnessing their special bond between each other.
.

I have no doubt that as time goes by, I will appreciate more and more that I have 3.

[zibazinski]

My grandparents had five and four of them lived, all girls. They couldn't afford to support that many and just kept trying for a boy. Had they gotten a boy first thing or even second, they'd have stopped right there. Better off for all concerned as the last three girls knew they weren't wanted. 
I have one of each but had I gotten a girl first, I doubt I'd have had another but having a boy first, I was determined to have a girl. Lucky it worked out. I always wanted more but ended up being lucky it didn't happen as supporting two was enough of an effort.

[Shooby]

  I don't think anyone regrets their children.  But, if the question was "Do you regret the financial or emotional/marital impact that additional children have had on this?" or something to that effect.  Just a suggestion.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 8:30:20 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  I don't think anyone regrets their children.  But, if the question was "Do you regret the financial or emotional/marital impact that additional children have had on this?" or something to that effect.  Just a suggestion.

I agree, maybe the phrasing could/should be different. They might regret not waiting a bit longer or until they were bit more financially sound or the jerk of a husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife they had the kid with but not regret the "Actual" kid.

[Deleted]

Because people DO often regret having more children, but can't admit it because someone is then going to tell them they're a bad parent.

It's taboo.  You simply cannot say something like that and not be judged.

I have a cousin that has confided in me about regretting having so many kids (she has 8 ranging in age from 19 to 2).  She feels she has spread herself too thin with all these kids and had she stuck with 3 or 4 she could have provided better for them.  As it is they never get to go on vacations, go to summer camp, be in many activities...  To be fair, she does have problems with depression and bipolar, so that may be contributing to it.  She originally had all these kids as a way to make herself happy and feel important and surprise, surprise, they didn't do that.

Then last year her then 18 year old gave birth (grandson is also living with them).  She is very upset that her daughter might be going down the same path as her and blames herself and having so many kids for her daughter's teen pregnancy.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 8:52:10 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Because people DO often regret having more children, but can't admit it because someone is then going to tell them they're a bad parent.

It's taboo.  You simply cannot say something like that and not be judged.

I have a cousin that has confided in me about regretting having so many kids (she has 8 ranging in age from 19 to 2).  She feels she has spread herself too thin with all these kids and had she stuck with 3 or 4 she could have provided better for them.  As it is they never get to go on vacations, go to summer camp, be in many activities...  To be fair, she does have problems with depression and bipolar, so that may be contributing to it.  She originally had all these kids as a way to make herself happy and feel important and surprise, surprise, they didn't do that.

Then last year her then 18 year old gave birth (grandson is also living with them).  She is very upset that her daughter might be going down the same path as her and blames herself and having so many kids for her daughter's teen pregnancy.

She said 3-4 would have been the best but yet she recently had another child. Do you really think she is done? I hope her husband is helpful because I am sure 8 kids plus a grandkid living with them is just chaos.

[Deleted]

Feb 25, 2013 21:47:27 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 25, 2013 19:33:49 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

OMG, I would castrate DH if his child care solution was to have his parents move in with us.....

Aren't his mother and sister already babysitting for you guys for free?

yes, and I have felt ready to castrate the whole lot of them on more than one occasion.  The good news is that he's moving to daycare 2 days a week.  It's not full time, but it's at least something.  Hopefully we can move him to 3x/week or more if he does well and we can afford it.

Also, don't outright expect that your home will be spotless and dinner will be ready as soon as you walk in.  Babies are unpredictable in their needs and wants.  Given that and the sleep deprivation, it was a miracle that any of us ate or had clean clothes for the first 2 months.

[Deleted]

I have always subscribed to the notion that "good enough is good enough" (I am such a Type B personality ). Perfection is impossible so why kill yourself trying to attain the unobtainable?

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 9:20:19 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

Feb 26, 2013 8:52:10 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Because people DO often regret having more children, but can't admit it because someone is then going to tell them they're a bad parent.

It's taboo.  You simply cannot say something like that and not be judged.

I have a cousin that has confided in me about regretting having so many kids (she has 8 ranging in age from 19 to 2).  She feels she has spread herself too thin with all these kids and had she stuck with 3 or 4 she could have provided better for them.  As it is they never get to go on vacations, go to summer camp, be in many activities...  To be fair, she does have problems with depression and bipolar, so that may be contributing to it.  She originally had all these kids as a way to make herself happy and feel important and surprise, surprise, they didn't do that.

Then last year her then 18 year old gave birth (grandson is also living with them).  She is very upset that her daughter might be going down the same path as her and blames herself and having so many kids for her daughter's teen pregnancy.

She said 3-4 would have been the best but yet she recently had another child. Do you really think she is done? I hope her husband is helpful because I am sure 8 kids plus a grandkid living with them is just chaos.

Devout Catholic family.  She truly believes birth control is a sin.  Also, it's only been the past year or two that she's come to the realization that she took the wrong path.

Her husband (my cousin) and her are separated and have been for over a year.  Her choice.  I have no clue how she does it since she doesn't work, but I think he sends her pretty much every dollar he makes, which is probably decent (fireman), but not great. He lives with relatives.   The oldest two are in college, one is away, one (with the baby) live at home.  They have a huge house and most of the kids are older.  19, 18, 17, 16, 14, 11, 5, 2, and grandson 1.

[Deleted]

So......birth control is a no-no but divorce is OK? 

[swamp]

I think it's a sin to have kids you can't take care of. 

[Deleted]

I think everything is a sin.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 10:05:46 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

So......birth control is a no-no but divorce is OK? 

They're not divorced.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 10:07:02 GMT -5 swamp said:

I think it's a sin to have kids you can't take care of. 

But, the lord provides you know. 

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 10:10:25 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Feb 26, 2013 10:05:46 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

So......birth control is a no-no but divorce is OK? 

They're not divorced.

So they're just going to stay separated for the rest of their lives? Way to get around that mortal sin! 

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 10:27:29 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Feb 26, 2013 10:10:25 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

They're not divorced.

So they're just going to stay separated for the rest of their lives? Way to get around that mortal sin! 

I have no idea.  They're trying to work through some things.

[thyme4change]

My mother would never say it, but I'm sure there were plenty of days that she regretted having baby #3.  She sure acted that way.  But that might not have been volume, just sheer personality.  Who knew?  Her first two are so pleasant and perfect.

[Deleted]

let me guess - you were one of the first two, right? 

[hoops902]

::Do they really though?  It isn't like regretting that you bought a car.  It is regretting that you brought this little person that you love with all your heart into the world.  Can/do people really regret that?  ::

I don't think that's how people who "regret it" see it.  They love the kids htey have, they aren't thinking "i wish we hadn't had tommy", they're thinking, I wish we'd only had 3 kids.

Take another example, I buy a house, I later regret that I'd bought such a large house because the taxes are high, it takes a lot of time to clean, prevents me from doing other things with my money.  I can regret buying 3,000 sq ft rather than 2,000 sq ft without specifically going through and thinking about which specific 1,000 square feet in my house I regret having.  There is the "I wish we didn't 325 square feet in the bedroom at the end of the hall/I wish Tommy was never born" specificity, and then there's "I wish we'd purchased less home/I wish we'd had fewer kids" generality.

You can regret having X number of kids without regretting having a specific child, just like I can regret having 4 bedrooms without worrying about which bedroom I'd want eliminated.  I realize separating out the actual person from the philosophical discussion is hard for a lot of people, but for people who talk about what a "decent parent" would do...just because someone else is capable of separating the two and someone else is incapable of that kind of higher level thinking doesn't make someone a worse parent.

And it surely doesn't make someone a worse parent to "admit" something, since an admission means that someone already thinks it.  Saying it to a message board of anonymous people has no effect on parenting ability.

[thyme4change]

Feb 26, 2013 10:54:27 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

let me guess - you were one of the first two, right? 

Nope.

[shanendoah]

Another way to think of it, maybe getting a little closer to how people feel about kids- I very much wish my previous two dogs, Moree and Smokey had not died. I'd give just about anything to have them back. And yet, I KNOW I would not have the current two if my boys were still alive. Does that mean that by wishing Moree and Smokey were still alive, I am wishing that we did not have Junebug or Larry? Absolutely not.

[Angel!]

Feb 26, 2013 11:00:25 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

And it surely doesn't make someone a worse parent to "admit" something, since an admission means that someone already thinks it.  Saying it to a message board of anonymous people has no effect on parenting ability.

I would never judge someone for admitting something like that.  It takes a lot of courage to say something hard.  But at the same time, if you feel a certain way, then other people probably do to.  It is much easier to not feel like you are alone or crazy if you are willing to admit how you feel (hopefully with people that won't judge you & will be understanding). 

[thyme4change]

I think there are regrets you are allowed to say:

 - I wish I hadn't been so young when my kids were born
 - I wish I had been younger when my kids were born
 - I wish I had more money when my kids were born
 - I wish I had been more stable when my kids were born
 - I wish my kids were closer together in age
 - I wish my kids had more in common
 - I wish my kids hadn't had the health problems they did

But just wishing that any of them weren't born, it just feels wrong to say it, and I can understand why people won't admit that - even just a little.

[Angel!]

Maybe people can't truly have a regret like that because you are attaching an actual person to it. But, if you were to think about being granted another completely new life, then you could say "if I were in a similar situation, I would only have 2 kids".

I guess I've just been trying to figure out which would be worse - someday regretting I didn't have more, or having some tough years ahead because I chose to have another. Since it seems like people can't really regret the person, but mostly think "if I did it all over again", then having additional children would be the less regretful (but tougher) route to choose.

[thyme4change]

If I had a baby now, I would not enjoy it as much as I did the first time around.  My kids are in a really fun stage, where we can go and do so much, at the drop of the hat.  They travel, they enjoy things, they know stuff.  Adding a baby in and not being able to ride a rollercoaster at Disneyland because someone has to hold the baby, or not being able to go to the movies because of the baby, or not being able to do a full day activity because the baby needs to nap - I would regret how that baby changed my relationship with my older kids.  As the baby, who was introduced into a family with a 7 and 9 year old, I can tell you that it never ended - to this day!  When I got to be old enough to start doing things, my sisters were onto new things, that I couldn't do.  And when I got into Jr. High and physically might have been able to keep up, they were in college.  They both got married when I was in high school, and were pregnant when I went off to college.  They were raising babies when I had money to do stuff, but their kids started to get really fun when I had babies.  Now their kids are adults, and they keep planning these adult things for the family to do, but my kids are 10.  When my kids get to that age, they will revolve family things around grandbabies.  Spending a lifetime with an out of synch family hasn't really benefitted anyone, and I will not do that to myself, my kids or a new baby.