Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 13:55:56 GMT -5
While you are enjoying your younger son it doesn't mean that your son will enjoy being younger.
We ALWAYS make time and do special things with younger son as well. Older son is away at scouting things all the time now. Next weekend he has a camping trip where they're working on merit badges so we're taking younger son to an indoor waterpark while he's away.
This summer we're all heading out to Yellowstone for a week. Older son has his own laptop to watch movies on so he isn't subjected to Elmo DVD's the entire way.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 13:56:44 GMT -5
Thyme and swamp; I am sorry you both didn't feel wanted by your families. My parents had 5 girls in 7 years and I am the middle one. My brother was 7 years younger than my youngest sister (11 years younger than me) and he was also the only boy, so I am sure he felt disconnected when he was young. Or he could have been happy to be raised as practically an only....I will have to ask him.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:00:19 GMT -5
It does. When there is three, one is always left out, and those feelings can spiral in on themselves (as I have demostrated here.) But when there are 4, and there is another one close to your age, you can usually find someone who can be in the same orbit as you - at least some of the time.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 14:03:17 GMT -5
I don't think you are a bad mom or neglecting your kid but he is going to have his own feelings regarding the family structure and dynamic. I'm pretty sure DS is going to grow up and have 5 kids and tell me how lonely he was because he was an only child.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 14:05:32 GMT -5
I think I really view mine as two "onlies". Older son is gone so much anyhow especially since he's from a divorce. We plan things based on whether we're doing them with Kid A, Kid B or both.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:06:10 GMT -5
I can't do that, because I have an irrational fear of being left out. Hmmm...I wonder how that started.
|
|
steph08
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 13:06:01 GMT -5
Posts: 5,463
|
Post by steph08 on Feb 26, 2013 14:10:15 GMT -5
While you are enjoying your younger son it doesn't mean that your son will enjoy being younger.
We ALWAYS make time and do special things with younger son as well. Older son is away at scouting things all the time now. Next weekend he has a camping trip where they're working on merit badges so we're taking younger son to an indoor waterpark while he's away. This summer we're all heading out to Yellowstone for a week. Older son has his own laptop to watch movies on so he isn't subjected to Elmo DVD's the entire way. I don't think your son's experience will be the same as Thyme's. It sounds like she was left behind on trips even when she was older. Being left behind at 2/3 is a lot different than being left behind at 8/9. I would have resented it too. My brother and I are 3 years apart; I think that is a good age gap. Neither of us got left behind on trips. In fact, I don't know the last time my parents went on a trip that didn't involve at least one of us. haha. Both my brother and I were with my parents in Disney in January, trip to see brother get married, lots of trips to visit brother (almost all of which I went on, except 2 I think).
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:12:35 GMT -5
You never know. You might ask my parents and they might list off 28 things they did with just me. But, given that I felt left out, I remembered all the things that made me feel more left out. Not the sad-sack things my parents did to try and make up for that.
We took your sibling to Hawaii for 10 days. We will take you to the waterpark for 3 hours.
Are we even now?
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,372
|
Post by swamp on Feb 26, 2013 14:13:30 GMT -5
I know exactly what thyme means by being a stage behind your sister. Just as I was almost alble to relate to her she grew up dome more.
I DoD ok with my brother because he was willing to play with me as long as I did boy things. As a result, I dont throw like a girl, have a mean slapshot and can take a punch. It wasn't all bad.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2013 14:15:04 GMT -5
Maybe it's easier if there's only one older kid and one younger one... but it seems as though when there are two or more kids who are close in age, and then a much older/younger outlier, the outlier tends to get the short end of the stick. I was the oldest but had a similar experience as Swamp and Thyme (with the added bonus of being able to remember my "pre-sibling" life, when I received the full attention of 2 parents who didn't spend all their time fighting about money).
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 14:21:41 GMT -5
I can't do that, because I have an irrational fear of being left out. Hmmm...I wonder how that started. One time H took DS out to play ball & DD really wanted to go to. But, he was trying to have guy time. DD started crying which made me feel so bad that I started crying. I had flashbacks to being a kid & I was always left out when DB & Dad were having guy time. Wouldn't have been so bad if I ever got girl time with my mom, but she worked all the time & my dad was a SAHD.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 14:23:37 GMT -5
We took your sibling to Hawaii for 10 days. We will take you to the waterpark for 3 hours. Are we even now? Younger son will get to Hawaii. We go every few years. I won't take him before he's 6 or 7 though. And the waterpark is all weekend. Honestly, I think we'll be able to do MORE with younger son. The house will be paid off when he's 15, then life will be sweet.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 14:26:33 GMT -5
I was one of 4 -- each one 4 years after the other. Yup, there was a 12 year spread between child #1 and child#4. I don't think we ever felt restrained/limited by the range. It was what it was. My mother just dealt with it the best she could. If anything, child#4 got the best deal because he was an only once the 3 older were out of the house. DH is an oops baby -- his brothers are/were 11 and 10 years older. There are family stories about 3 year old DH stealing the bases when his brothers tried to play baseball in the yard, LOL, but none of regret (there was regret that they couldn't seem to have a 4th). DH was basically an only growing up. He is somewhat close to his surviving brother, but they are in different places in life and always have been. Again, it was what it was. I think you are all over-thinking this too much. Just deal with whatever/whoever comes along. I genuinely wanted 12. I got 2. As menopause approaches (I am 53) I find myself inexplicably yearning for another 1 or 2. Seriously. It is both frightening and sad. But, I am entirely grateful for the two I have and can never, ever see myself regret having them. That said, I can understand why someone might regret having too many -- but I'm willing to bet that regret is based on misplaced values (i.e., money over family) or just a temporary reaction to the present challenges of a situation. Kids grow up despite, or in spite, of us. And, life is what you make it. We foolishly think we can control our lives and plan it down to the detailed minutae. I think life is what happens while you're making other plans. And, in response to the reality of life, you're either a glass half-full or a glass half-empty kind of person.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:33:47 GMT -5
I don't want to go back to the same place over and over again. I like going new places. So, if I leave one kid home, they will never experience that place. Just as I have not yet made it to the places my sisters went as children. My parents didn't think to go back later and take me. Although, they did return to a couple of those places after I was out on my own.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:34:46 GMT -5
I don't regret planning my children so that everything was as pleasant as possible.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 26, 2013 14:36:40 GMT -5
It really depends on the parents and the interests. The only vacation/activities that were an issue was when we went to Disney when I was 1.5. My Grandparents went with us and basically my Grandma and I road it's a small world 37,000 times (not that I remember any of it). Obviously, as I got older i got upset that my siblings had experienced Disney and I hadn't. So when I was 12 (brother was 17), we went back and took my 11 yo cousin with us (and my Grandparents again). My sister was 20 and working and she stayed home. Later, my parents and I took a road trip vacation when I was in high school and my siblings were married. We had some fun trips to visit my brother in College. My sister and her husband went with us. Sometimes my brother's fiance went with us. Growing up, we played sports with the teams being my brother and sister against me and dad (dad and I always lost). When my sister went to school, my dad and I played my brother 2 on 1 (and I think we always lost then too). I don't remember being told I couldn't do things my siblings did on our trips to our Grandparents farm - I went sledding, played soccer, went fishing, etc with all of them. If I couldn't climb the tree that they did, they would help me up if they wanted me there or tell me to get lost if they didn't. It would be hurtful to leave an elementary school age kid at home while taking the other kids places. I think Thyme's parents suck for doing that.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 14:40:52 GMT -5
I don't want to go back to the same place over and over again. I like going new places. So, if I leave one kid home, they will never experience that place. Just as I have not yet made it to the places my sisters went as children. My parents didn't think to go back later and take me. Although, they did return to a couple of those places after I was out on my own. Thyme, You're generally a poster with a great sense of humor and strong analytical skills. So, your painful memories of your role in your family are sad to read. I generally give people who hurt me the benefit of a doubt until they prove otherwise, so I wonder whether you and your parents have ever talked about your feelings over the years? Maybe you are missing some nice things your parents did for you? Maybe there were other reasons they didn't travel as much with you (undisclosed financial issues, your activities, job demands, etc.)? Maybe they are/were just clueless about your feelings and not so much mean-spirited and selfish?
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Feb 26, 2013 14:41:38 GMT -5
My Aunt was an oops baby. My mom hated her. I think she was 11 when my aunt was born & pretty much raised her until she was around 6 & my grandparents finally grew up. A lot of that was due to poor parenting though. They basically were at the bar every night for years. Apparently most nights she had 2 choices for dinner & both were brought home from the bar.
I know my mom is bitter because she spent many of her teenage years raising her sister & then when she was about out of the house, they suddenly became great parents. The two of them have very different memories of childhood because of it.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 14:41:39 GMT -5
I don't regret planning my children so that everything was as pleasant as possible. Meh. Sometimes the best parts of life (and ourselves) come through in the most unpleasant experiences.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 26, 2013 14:44:11 GMT -5
I certainly got to do a lot more with my parents as a teenager than my siblings did. When my sister was a teen, my parents were staring down paying for 3 college educations and my dad owned his own business. My sister got married when I was 13, my brother married when I was 16. Parents basically stopped paying for college for both of them at that point (not that it was needed too much, sister was in grad school on scholarship; brother had a ton of scholarships and mom and dad did help them out more than they said they would). Dad also went to work for someone else when I was 16 (he went back to work for himself when I was 21). Anyway, my parents felt much more secure about their committments and retirement when I was teenager than when my sister was a teenager. I was pretty much spoiled after my brother got married until I graduated college. I didn't expect to get everything i asked for, and I didn't ask for a whole lot, but I pretty much got everything I asked for during those 6 years....I so should have asked for more.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 26, 2013 14:46:57 GMT -5
I don't regret planning my children so that everything was as pleasant as possible. Meh. Sometimes the best parts of life (and ourselves) come through in the most unpleasant experiences. And sometimes those unpleasant experiences scar us for life. You just never know how it's going to turn out so why not try to make it better for all involved?
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:51:56 GMT -5
There is no point to bringing it up with them. It will just make my mother feel really bad. She already feels bad about everything, and it isn't worth it to add guilt to a person like that. It will make things worse for everyone. I talked to my mom about it once, she showed no regret. And then called me later felt bad and called me and gave me this huge bullshit apology and it was this big deal. It was so useless. For the most part I'm over it (except that I still hate being left out.) But my feelings are valid, and I think people who have children spaced the way we were should think carefully about how their actions are perceived.
When I said that my parents didn't travel with me later, it wasn't that we didn't travel, it was that they would pay for my sisters to come along, and later for my sisters and their husbands to come along. They went out of their way to make sure the family was included during the later years. Maybe they came to the conclusion that leaving me wasn't the right thing to do.
I agree that they were clueless. And telling people that they shouldn't overthink big age differences, because it all works out in the end is exactly the clueless thinking that they had when they said "We will travel, and just leave Thyme home with Grandma. It is what it is." I am ringing the warning bell that just because you perceive your children's life to be rosey, they might not see it that way. I survived, I'm happy, I'm successful. This problem is surely whitepeopleproblems. But, you have a choice when you create your family, and you should be aware that kids have their own view of their world, and just because you think you are doing the best for everyone, they are getting a message - intended or not.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 1, 2024 21:17:16 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2013 14:54:41 GMT -5
That said, I can understand why someone might regret having too many -- but I'm willing to bet that regret is based on misplaced values (i.e., money over family) It's perfectly ok to prioritize 'money', or travel, or free time, etc. over raising kids, or more kids. As long as you act on those priorities/ don't ask someone else to sacrifice for your priorities. So, I would not call this 'misplaced values' ... The values weren't what was off, but having the child despite those priorities.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2013 14:55:40 GMT -5
True. I have some "third wheel" issues myself. I had a pretty idyllic 7 years and then spent the rest of my childhood scrambling for crumbs of attention (or at least feeling that way).
Every parent needs to balance their own desires, and potential regrets, with the real effects their actions will have on the children they've already brought into the world.
Thyme, my family did the opposite - my mom and younger siblings (and my sister's BF) still go to Florida every summer. I usually find out after they get back, I guess to avoid any possibility of me trying to tag along. I used to tell myself I was excluded because DH and I were together and it would be too expensive to add another person, but my mom inviting my sister's BF year after year has kind of blown that theory out of the water.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 14:57:26 GMT -5
Like raising 8 kids, but being so broke during retirement that you expected them to support you.
Life is about balance. Responsible use of resources (money and time) isn't a misplaced value. Squirting out 20 kids just because you have a ovary full of eggs isn't worthy of applause.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 26, 2013 15:01:38 GMT -5
True. I have some "third wheel" issues myself. I had a pretty idyllic 7 years and then spent the rest of my childhood scrambling for crumbs of attention (or at least feeling that way). Every parent needs to balance their own desires, and potential regrets, with the real effects their actions will have on the children they've already brought into the world. I'm the oldest by 6 years and 8 years and still feel out of place with my sisters. It's getting better but with the youngest I still feel "off" and it's probably because I missed lots of bonding opportunities because I was out of the house way before she grew up. I keep trying but I'll probably never have the natural bond the 2 of them have.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,987
|
Post by happyhoix on Feb 26, 2013 15:04:15 GMT -5
My parents had four kids, three bunched together in age and one oops baby 8 years later. There was a significant difference between how my mom treated the older kids (lots of abuse, and we were required to be free household help) and the youngest (no abuse, no requirement to do chores). Mom also rewarded the baby of the family for snitching on the older sibs. There was a lot of resentment and jealousy between the older three kids against the youngest, and I know today, with all of us grown, the youngest feels like she was raised as an only child, that the three older sibs had a very tight relationship and we purposely excluded her - and this is true, we did. After growing up in such a dsyfunctional household I decided I only wanted to have one kid, so there would be no sibling rivalry, and I don't regret that. Interestingly enough, DS (who is now 24) says he wants at least two kids. I don't think he enjoyed being an only child (although he used to complain that I loved the cats more than I loved him )
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 26, 2013 15:09:58 GMT -5
I am certain my kids will need therapy for some clueless thing I will do to them in their childhoods. I'm not the perfect parent and never claimed to be. In fact, I tell my kids regularly they got the worst mother in the world. And I certainly don't expect them to be perfect children. Perfection is a standard I can't live up to and I don't expect it from anyone else. If I genuinely do the best I can at that moment in time with the resources I have at that time, then I'm good with any scars I leave. I believe that is one of the purposes of our time here on this rock: to carve out the best life we can for ourselves with the hand we are dealt and despite/in spite of the scars others leave upon us. I have to believe that. Otherwise, I'd curl up into the fetal position and never move.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,470
|
Post by thyme4change on Feb 26, 2013 15:15:39 GMT -5
That is all true GRG - but that doesn't mean you just wash your hands of someone else's experiences and pretend they won't matter in your life. Hearing about what has hurt others can be a gage on what you should attempt not to do to your children. Or at least something to consider as you are living your life.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,987
|
Post by happyhoix on Feb 26, 2013 15:16:38 GMT -5
Yeah we had the same kind of thing - Mom spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with her favorite child every year. The other three kids - never once did she come to our houses. She told us if we wanted to see her, we had to come to her house because she refused to travel in the winter - unless she was traveling to the favorite kid's house, and then she would get there, even if she had to drive through a blizzard. She insisted she couldn't afford to pay for the airfare - unless it was to the favorite kid's house.
Her explaination was that she had made an agreement with the youngest that they would always spend the holidays together, no matter what. And she did. I guess the oldest sibs made the mistake of not calling dibs first?
I don't know. Rationalization is a powerful thing.
|
|