Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 12, 2012 14:25:02 GMT -5
Inspired by the disagreeing with your partner thread...
When do you reach the point where you give up on a particular issue with your partner? Where despite trying and trying, you are never going to get them to "compliance" much less "agreement."
And, when you get to that point, how exactly do you change your reaction to the situation?
E.g., last night DH went to a friend's birthday drinks. I said "Don't be too late!" He said "I won't, I'll be home around 12:30." At 2:30am, the door opens, wakes me up, the dogs go batshit, the baby wakes up, and I don't get back to sleep until 4:30. This happens, literally every. time. he. goes. out. for. drinks. Most often, I just wake up and it's 4am and I panic because he's not home, then am furious for hours and cannot sleep because he has done it AGAIN. He just cannot seem to come home at the time he says he will be home. He cannot go out for drinks without coming home at some ungodly hour of the morning, even on weeknights.
I've discussed, rationalized, explained my position, yelled, screamed, sworn, and cried. He apologizes, admits he's in the wrong, is sorry that I lost so much sleep, swears it will never happen again. Until it does, the very next time he goes out for drinks. I'm starting to realize that he is never going to change this, and that my options are pretty much get over it or get a divorce, because he obviously does not give enough of a shit about my feelings on this to change his behavior.
So, I realize I am banging my head against the wall. I've tried removing the wall, now I'm at the point where I think I need to remove my head instead, since moving the wall is obviously not working.
At what point are you willing to just give up for the sake of keeping the relationship? How do you stop getting angry at a habit that bothers you in a big way?
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:26:21 GMT -5
Since I'm the partner that can't seem to come home on time, I say roll with it.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:29:13 GMT -5
And is he drunk when he comes home, or did he just stay out?
If I drove home wasted and was too drunk to be productive the next day, DH has every right to be pissed. If I just stayed out hanging out and I'm not drunk, I'm not seeing the big deal.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:31:01 GMT -5
This is how my mom would handle this situation with me. She told me that if I wasn't home at a certain hour, she'd deadbolt the door. And guess what? She did it. you'd treat your husband like a child for coming home late?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,320
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 12, 2012 14:32:36 GMT -5
If he is chronically late instead of trying to make him on time why not have him call you? It would not be that hard to program a reminder of the time he said he would be home into the phone and then he can call you if he is going to be late. You can keep your cell phone by the bed so you can hear when he calls.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 12, 2012 14:33:22 GMT -5
You have a baby and your husband still goes out drinking? You have more problems than him coming home late. How long has he been still behaving like "one of the boys?" How old is he?
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Sept 12, 2012 14:33:23 GMT -5
Dark used to do this. It made me crazy enough that I threw a ceramic bowl at his head once. He still has patterns of behavior that drive me insane, but I learned to just leave it. Not happy about it, but I don't bother with the fight. He sleeps on the couch a lot because of the rule we organically settled on - if he comes to bed significantly after I go to bed, COUCH!
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 14:36:30 GMT -5
I realize that one has to be reasonable in what one expects. I think that some people set themselves up for failure by expecting something completely unreasonable.
When I feel the way you feel now -- that you've tried all the "nice" and "peaceful" and "mature" solutions, then I give up on reason, and I control the only thing I can control; me. It makes me want to cut back on stuff that *I* give. I feel this way because I feel like I am not being "worked with", rather I am being "brushed off" and the only reason I'm being brushed off is because the other person is too secure.
Yes its childish, it doesn't "improve" things, and its underhanded. BUT, you TRIED peaceful and mature resolutions and nothing improved. The hope is to show you are SERIOUS, so that he/she will come to the table and actually talk.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:38:59 GMT -5
Why don't you get a sitter and go with him?
Men usually grow out of this behavior after a few heavy items are hurled at their heads.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,320
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 12, 2012 14:40:51 GMT -5
Dark used to do this. It made me crazy enough that I threw a ceramic bowl at his head once. He still has patterns .. I miss read that at first. I was thinking damn woman! You must have really hit him hard with that bowl if he still has the pattern in his head.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:42:03 GMT -5
Um, it's kind of like sex. When you first get together, it is anytime , anyplace, anywhere. Then, after awhile you start having Hall Sex. You pass each other in the hall and say "F you". ;D
I'm sorry. I thought that was inappropriately funny. But, if you wish me to delete , i will.
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Sept 12, 2012 14:43:14 GMT -5
Oh!! That's the other thing that helped! I realized that part of my frustration was that I wasn't able to go out, only Dark! And as a mum of two toddlers, that was really, really difficult. Once we arranged things so that a) we could go out together more and b) I could go out on my own, some of the anger dissipated.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:43:48 GMT -5
Oh!! That's the other thing that helped! I realized that part of my frustration was that I wasn't able to go out, only Dark! And as a mum of two toddlers, that was really, really difficult. Once we arranged things so that a) we could go out together more and b) I could go out on my own, some of the anger dissipated.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:45:09 GMT -5
After awhile, you just realize that people are who they are , they like what they like, they do what they do for whatever reason, and you just get tired.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:47:08 GMT -5
It's not acceptable to abuse your partner.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 12, 2012 14:47:51 GMT -5
To clarify: We have a 4 month old, so both of us rarely go out at the same time. I also don't go out during the week because I have to wake up at 5:30am to be at work, so I'm in bed at like 10. So going with him, currently not an option.
No driving involved. Sometimes he comes home tipsy or drunk, other times he's sober. The alcohol is not the issue for me.
Also, this is not an all-the-time thing. He only goes out for drinks with friends or coworkers maybe once a month or even every couple of months? I really don't begrudge him going out and socializing. It's the fact that he is incapable of just going out for an hour, or two hours. He is incapable of being home when he says he will. And it's always the middle of the night and, one way or another, I wake up, and then my night and the next day is just shot.
I don't seem to be able to get him to comply with my wishes. So how to I get over my issue?
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:50:19 GMT -5
When he tells you he'll be home at midnight, tell him you'll expect him at 2. And expect him at 2.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,320
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 12, 2012 14:50:23 GMT -5
If he wakes you up then I would suggest Loop's method and make him sleep on the couch when he gets home so he doesn't wake you. I'd also ask that he please call you if he is not going to be home when he says he will be. Have him program in an alarm to go off when he says he will be home to remind him to call. Or you do it and set some really annoying embarassing ring tone so he'll pick up in order to save face with the guys.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:50:52 GMT -5
bs - Sorry to make light, i was just responding to the title. But, that is a tough situation. And, with a 4 month old and having to get up for work and all of that, he needs to be more supportive. I think you just need to keep driving that issue home to him until he gets it.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 12, 2012 14:51:01 GMT -5
I think it is more important how often he goes out versus the fact that he stays out late. A few times a year I go out with my girlfriends and stay out later than I originally planned...but that is because I am out, having fun and lose track of time. I do not drive drunk and try to be quiet when I do get home. If I did this every weekend my husband would get pissed and he would have every right to do so.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 12, 2012 14:51:31 GMT -5
Oh!! That's the other thing that helped! I realized that part of my frustration was that I wasn't able to go out, only Dark! And as a mum of two toddlers, that was really, really difficult. Once we arranged things so that a) we could go out together more and b) I could go out on my own, some of the anger dissipated. I do go out on my own. Not tons, but I don't want to go out all that much.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 12, 2012 14:51:31 GMT -5
Dark used to do this. It made me crazy enough that I threw a ceramic bowl at his head once. He still has patterns .. I miss read that at first. I was thinking damn woman! You must have really hit him hard with that bowl if he still has the pattern in his head. OMG LMAO!!! My DH would have patterns on his head if he did something like that often. I've done it on occasion when he's had to leave a party earlier than me and I'm having a lot of fun. But I'm very quiet when I come home and we don't have a baby or barking dogs. But it's also very rare and he knows exactly where I am and doesn't worry because I'm with friends.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:51:39 GMT -5
It's not acceptable to abuse your partner. Yes emotional / mental abuse is much better.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 12, 2012 14:52:04 GMT -5
Oops...looks like yo posted more as I was posting....if it is only a few times a year I wouldn't get mad...but maybe that is because I do the same thing!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:53:17 GMT -5
I think it is more important how often he goes out versus the fact that he stays out late. A few times a year I go out with my girlfriends and stay out later than I originally planned...but that is because I am out, having fun and lose track of time. I do not drive drunk and try to be quiet when I do get home. If I did this every weekend my husband would get pissed and he would have every right to do so. Oh I'm just gonna say it. He needs to grow the hell up. He is a husband and father. Going out once in a while is fine but it sounds to me like he is being an insensitive, immature asshole. Tell him to shape up or ship out.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:53:58 GMT -5
It's not acceptable to abuse your partner. Yes emotional / mental abuse is much better. Coming home a few hours late warrants getting hit with something? And I don't consider coming home late once in a while to be emotionally abusive. I just don't get too upset about stuff like that.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Sept 12, 2012 14:54:03 GMT -5
Is there a way to keep the dogs quite? Put them in a room, or outside, or something when he's going to be coming home late so they won't wake you up when he gets home. And then just have a rule if you come home after X, sleep on the couch so you don't wake me up.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 12, 2012 14:55:36 GMT -5
"He is a husband and father"
I am a wife and a mother...does that mean I should never go out and have fun?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:56:09 GMT -5
Yes emotional / mental abuse is much better. Coming home a few hours late warrants getting hit with something? And I don't consider coming home late once in a while to be emotionally abusive. I just don't get too upset about stuff like that. Its not a very thoughtful considerate thing to do. Coming home hours after the time he said he would, drunk..noisy. Nah its just not nice.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 15:29:15 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:56:29 GMT -5
"He is a husband and father" I am a wife and a mother...does that mean I should never go out and have fun? Ya thats right.
|
|