swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 12, 2012 14:58:19 GMT -5
Coming home a few hours late warrants getting hit with something? And I don't consider coming home late once in a while to be emotionally abusive. I just don't get too upset about stuff like that. Its not a very thoughtful considerate thing to do. Coming home hours after the time he said he would, drunk..noisy. Nah its just not nice. OP didn't say he was drunk all the time and the alcohol isn't the issue. It's the waking up because he's not home when he says he will be. And he doesn't have to be noisy for the dogs to yap.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 12, 2012 14:58:20 GMT -5
Put them in a room, or outside, or something when he's going to be coming home late so they won't wake you up when he gets home Then it is DH's responsbility when he gets home to let them out or do whatever he needs to get them to settle back down. When DH worked nights and came home at 4 am he would immediately let the dogs out so they wouldn't bark and wake me up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:00:37 GMT -5
To clarify: We have a 4 month old, so both of us rarely go out at the same time. I also don't go out during the week because I have to wake up at 5:30am to be at work, so I'm in bed at like 10. So going with him, currently not an option. No driving involved. Sometimes he comes home tipsy or drunk, other times he's sober. The alcohol is not the issue for me. Also, this is not an all-the-time thing. He only goes out for drinks with friends or coworkers maybe once a month or even every couple of months? I really don't begrudge him going out and socializing. It's the fact that he is incapable of just going out for an hour, or two hours. He is incapable of being home when he says he will. And it's always the middle of the night and, one way or another, I wake up, and then my night and the next day is just shot. I don't seem to be able to get him to comply with my wishes. So how to I get over my issue? Okay, sorry I missed this post. So its every month or so and the problem is its a work night for you? He says he will be home at midnight and can't seem to manage to get home then or to call you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:01:23 GMT -5
Its not a very thoughtful considerate thing to do. Coming home hours after the time he said he would, drunk..noisy. Nah its just not nice. OP didn't say he was drunk all the time and the alcohol isn't the issue. It's the waking up because he's not home when he says he will be. And he doesn't have to be noisy for the dogs to yap. I missed that part.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:02:59 GMT -5
...:::"How long has he been still behaving like "one of the boys?" How old is he?":::...
So long as the OP gets to be "one of the girls" occasionally, I think it is healthy for parents to get some time to be "humans" again. The alternative is turning into one of those people who can't talk about anything except changing diapers and getting into a good pre-school. (I see this sentiment made by loop as well).
...:::"It's the fact that he is incapable of just going out for an hour, or two hours. He is incapable of being home when he says he will. And it's always the middle of the night and, one way or another, I wake up, and then my night and the next day is just shot.":::...
OK so... he only gets one outing a month or every few months... yeah it is unrealistic to expect it to only be an hour. Let him have his night.
...:::"When he tells you he'll be home at midnight, tell him you'll expect him at 2. And expect him at 2.":::...
Or, let more slack out on the leash. Tell him "come home when you feel like it, I won't wait up". You are pulling the leash too tight, so of course he is struggling. Let him enjoy some freedom.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Sept 12, 2012 15:03:23 GMT -5
Spousal abuse is never okay.
People make light of women throwing things at their man, but what if Dark said "if loop comes home I should smack her around a bit, that would make her grow up" it would be called domestic violance and the law frowns on that.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Sept 12, 2012 15:04:26 GMT -5
Didn't realize that once you had kids your having fun days are over.
I think the sleeping on the couch solution is reasonable. When you go to bed and he's not home, put a blanket and pillow on the couch and tell him he's to use it. If he wakes up the baby and/or the dogs, it's his job to put them back to sleep. Seems like the problem is solved.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:05:14 GMT -5
Spousal abuse is never okay. People make light of women throwing things at their man, but what if Dark said "if loop comes home I should smack her around a bit, that would make her grow up" it would be called domestic violance and the law frowns on that. True that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:05:44 GMT -5
Didn't realize that once you had kids your having fun days are over. Absolutely, no more fun allowed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:06:10 GMT -5
I think it is more important how often he goes out versus the fact that he stays out late. A few times a year I go out with my girlfriends and stay out later than I originally planned...but that is because I am out, having fun and lose track of time. I do not drive drunk and try to be quiet when I do get home. If I did this every weekend my husband would get pissed and he would have every right to do so. Oh I'm just gonna say it. He needs to grow the hell up. He is a husband and father. Going out once in a while is fine but it sounds to me like he is being an insensitive, immature asshole. Tell him to shape up or ship out. Do you think that is a bit extreme? I assume they are pretty young. Is there some middle ground? Can he just out every few months and have a night of drinking with the boys and just do it on a planned night when she knows he is going to be coming in very late and doesn't have to get up early the next day for anything? Is there some middle ground?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:06:46 GMT -5
Oh I'm just gonna say it. He needs to grow the hell up. He is a husband and father. Going out once in a while is fine but it sounds to me like he is being an insensitive, immature asshole. Tell him to shape up or ship out. Do you think that is a bit extreme? I assume they are pretty young. Is there some middle ground? Can he just out every few months and have a night of drinking with the boys and just do it on a planned night when she knows he is going to be coming in very late and doesn't have to get up early the next day for anything? Is there some middle ground? Ya it was extreme.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 12, 2012 15:06:55 GMT -5
Spousal abuse is never okay. People make light of women throwing things at their man, but what if Dark said "if loop comes home I should smack her around a bit, that would make her grow up" it would be called domestic violence and the law frowns on that. We know Dark and Loop and we also know Loop could kick his ass if she really wanted to so we wouldn't think anything. There is terminology used here that most people get as joking. I hope!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:07:50 GMT -5
It sounds like you are mad because he says he will be home at midnight, so you expect him home at midnight. At 12:01am you begin worrying, and you worry until he comes home 4 hours later, at which point you cannot sleep and you are messed up the next day.
Well he definitely shouldn't tell you he will be home by midnight when history shows it is unlikely he will. So my first question is: would you feel better if he said "I don't know when I'll be home" or "don't expect me before 5am" (covering his bases). He shouldn't lie to you, but be honest, is he lying because telling you the truth results in a worse outcome for him?
I wish I could help you with the worrying. I've had a few times where DW was working way later than expected, with no call. She is in a safe area, but there is always stuff that "could" happen, and I am a worrier. Its hard to overcome worry if you are a worrier. You just have to trust that they are where they say they are, and that they will be home.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 12, 2012 15:08:40 GMT -5
Your only real issue is that you have someone who in a very specific situation always runs much later than what either you think or what they say. There are 2 solutions. You badger them over and over and over until you break their spirit. Or you realize that when they say "I'll be home at 12" that means "I'll probably be home before sunrise". You're not counting on him to watch the kid, or do something important during that time. They're just going to come home and sleep. There's no real effect on you other than you happen to not like it. The easiest solution seems to be "deal with it, it's not causing any real harm".
There are bigger issues in life than a man who occasionally (specifically occasionally) spends a late night out with his buddies.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 12, 2012 15:11:06 GMT -5
"There is terminology used here that most people get as joking. " wait...I'm not really supposed to throw things at my husband's head?
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on Sept 12, 2012 15:12:02 GMT -5
Anyway, I missed his head
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:14:03 GMT -5
Anyway, I missed his head
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Sept 12, 2012 15:16:28 GMT -5
Put them in a room, or outside, or something when he's going to be coming home late so they won't wake you up when he gets home Then it is DH's responsbility when he gets home to let them out or do whatever he needs to get them to settle back down. When DH worked nights and came home at 4 am he would immediately let the dogs out so they wouldn't bark and wake me up. just b/c that's what your DH did, doesn't mean it has to be that way for every other family.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 12, 2012 15:16:47 GMT -5
"There is terminology used here that most people get as joking. " wait...I'm not really supposed to throw things at my husband's head? Oh no, that's ok! Just don't leave patterns. You don't want to leave evidence.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 12, 2012 15:17:51 GMT -5
He just needs to be less specific. I'm going out tomorrow to watch a game and drink, the conversation with DW went like this:
DW: Who are you going to the bar with tomorrow?
Me: The guys.
DW: What time are you coming home?
Me: Late.
DW: How late, like what time?
Me: Sometime before we leave for vacation next week, I'm not missing that.
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Sept 12, 2012 15:18:04 GMT -5
Why don't you get a sitter and go with him? Men usually grow out of this behavior after a few heavy items are hurled at their heads. yeah, go with him. Men like when women aren't prudish and get out and have some fun.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 12, 2012 15:18:50 GMT -5
Or convince everyone that hte willow pattern on DH's face is due to a drunken visit to the tattoo parlor.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 12, 2012 15:20:16 GMT -5
Could he crash at a friends house on work nights that he goes out instead of coming home and disrupting the whole house?
You can say that he has to take care of the dogs, and put the baby back to bed, but if you're bf'ing that isn't very realistic, and if he IS drunk that night that won't work either. Plus, once I'm up--I'm up. I'd rather at least get to hold and rock the baby, then lay in bed waiting to fall back asleep.
Maybe just send you a text when he gets in at the friends house, and be at home at 5am (or whenever your normal morning routine starts).
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Epiphany
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Post by Epiphany on Sept 12, 2012 15:20:37 GMT -5
To me, you have to decide which issues are deal breakers and which aren't. The problem is when you've decided one is a deal breaker how to employ correct consequences to have spouse change behavior. I'll give my two examples:
Housework: Early on sssooo many arguments about this. I naively thought that since I worked the same amount of hours as dh, sometimes more, that household chores would get split evenly. It took me about 7 years and several fights to realize it will never be equal. I'm ok with this now and have adjusted my expectations. Not a deal breaker.
Cursing/taking lord's name in vain: Dh grew up in a house where dad curses and GD's are part of EVERY sentence. This is "normal" to him. I grew up in a conservative christian home and heard my parents cuss maybe 3 times in my life. Dh's amount of cussing is beyond intolerable to me. He has no desire to change. I think he should change because he knows how much it offends me. Only compromise we've come up with is no taking lord's name in vain (dh is christian too). I would like to call the sheer amount of cussing a deal breaker but I have no idea how to get dh to change until he wants to.
In OP's case: this would be a deal breaker for me as a repeat habit. Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that, but him disrupting the entire household to do so is ridiculous. What consequences can you make for a grown man / your partner? I have to say if he wants to act like a kid, treat him like a kid and lock the door. Have him stay with someone else. He's just repeating the cycle over and over and it won't change.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:21:28 GMT -5
...:::"They're just going to come home and sleep.":::...
I agree with hoops902 that the OP will get much more mileage changing her attitude than trying to curtail her DH. But the OP does have a very fair point about the related issue of any ruckus caused from a late entry. After all, even if she didn't give a flip about his return time, if the dogs start howling and the baby starts crying, then the DH (in return for a nag-free night out) should deal with those.
I think those are fair reasons to get upset, and he should work to fix those.
However, if its just about "I think you should be home sooner" then that isn't very understanding. If my DW told me "if you come home later than I think you should, you can sleep on the couch", maybe I just wouldn't come home.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:23:29 GMT -5
...:::"Me: Sometime before we leave for vacation next week, I'm not missing that.":::...
Hahahahahahhah!
Where you going for vacation?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 12, 2012 15:24:40 GMT -5
::In OP's case: this would be a deal breaker for me as a repeat habit. Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that, but him disrupting the entire household to do so is ridiculous. What consequences can you make for a grown man / your partner? I have to say if he wants to act like a kid, treat him like a kid and lock the door. Have him stay with someone else. He's just repeating the cycle over and over and it won't change. ::
Which is fine, as long as he also gets to make up some arbitrary rules that she doesn't agree with and then enforce penalties when his arbitrary rules are broken.
::Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that::
Since when do "they" have to agree on how "he" spends his free time? Does she only get to do things he allows her to do?
How about just acting like an adult and realizing that you don't get to control other people just because you don't like what they're doing? And you don't get to make up punishments under the guise of "he's acting like a kid so I'll treat him like a kid"...completely ignoring what a ridiculous comparison that is given that kids don't go out drinking to a bar and decent parents don't lock their kids out of their own home.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 12, 2012 15:25:17 GMT -5
...:::"Me: Sometime before we leave for vacation next week, I'm not missing that.":::... Hahahahahahhah! Where you going for vacation? Nebraska. It's for a wedding. It's not a real vacation, it's just 6 days off work for me.
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Epiphany
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Post by Epiphany on Sept 12, 2012 15:28:25 GMT -5
::In OP's case: this would be a deal breaker for me as a repeat habit. Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that, but him disrupting the entire household to do so is ridiculous. What consequences can you make for a grown man / your partner? I have to say if he wants to act like a kid, treat him like a kid and lock the door. Have him stay with someone else. He's just repeating the cycle over and over and it won't change. :: Which is fine, as long as he also gets to make up some arbitrary rules that she doesn't agree with and then enforce penalties when his arbitrary rules are broken. ::Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that:: Since when do "they" have to agree on how "he" spends his free time? Does she only get to do things he allows her to do? How about just acting like an adult and realizing that you don't get to control other people just because you don't like what they're doing? And you don't get to make up punishments under the guise of "he's acting like a kid so I'll treat him like a kid"...completely ignoring what a ridiculous comparison that is given that kids don't go out drinking to a bar and decent parents don't lock their kids out of their own home. Just to be clear, I'm saying the "act like a kid" part in regards to the "I'll be home at midnight" and then showing up at 4am. I would have a heart attack of worry about an accident or something with that track record. And yes, marriage means partnership so yeah, I expect dh to consider my feelings (sleep schedule, baby, etc) when doing his own thing. And in return I'm totally able to let go some stuff (him spending millions of hours playing halo in my case). It's about respect. To me, her dh is being completely disrespectful and that is not cool
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 12, 2012 15:29:43 GMT -5
Yes emotional / mental abuse is much better. Coming home a few hours late warrants getting hit with something? And I don't consider coming home late once in a while to be emotionally abusive. I just don't get too upset about stuff like that. What is completely unacceptable is coming home in such a way that your partner is woken up like that. I would guess that with a 4 month old she is already sleep deprived. If DH stoped me from getting 2 hours of sleep when I only get 5 to begin with I would bash his head in. There is a way for a couple to decide to both allow each other fun time away from the house, without doing it in such a way that it completely disturbs the rest of the household though. If he can't do that then he needs to stay home. That is the GROW THE HELL UP part of this, not the going out once in a while. Then again I am a bitch. ;D
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