patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Jul 7, 2011 14:34:09 GMT -5
Back with a tiny update. Before I update- just to clarify, BIL is on the birth certificate, and yes he can be a jerk but they do have their ups too. And I agree, recently I have been thinking about how to 'get out' and away Since SIL has paid most of her bills for this month (except me, and electric) she hasn't ASKED for $ recently. She asked me to take her to the outlet mall (she needed a bathing suit for my neice). Well, I bought the bathing suit since I am the one who wants to take her swimming, and she bought 2 pairs of shoes for herself, a skirt and sneakers for the neice. All good purchases, even needed (except the skirt, but it WAS really cute) and maybe the second pair of shoes. But it made me think- if she asks me for $ at the end of the month, I'll ask her why she needed 2 pairs of shoes lol. I probably won't, but it will be in the back of my mind. But it made me think about us gifting neice things: DH and I even have a line in the budget for gifts, and it all goes to DN. I think I spend more on her than I would if she was my kid! I'm not mad about it, but I am thinking I should cut it out a bit. SIL is good at getting me to buy things with suggestions- 'you want to take her swimming? she doesn't have a bathing suit, and I don't have enough $' etc etc. I bought her fancy training potty and her table with chairs, because she needed them badly and her mother always said she was too broke (they don't have a table- they used to make neice eat her cereal standing up at the high coffee table, I couldn't stand it after a couple months and bought the darn thing for $25 at walmart, same deal with the potty). I want to be clear- I also do enjoy a little too much getting things for the neice. But it's def. at a point where her mom expects it now, and doesn't even say thank you anymore. I didn't realize how far it got until a lot of you pointed out certain things. The important point is that I am officially off of birth control, and if we get pregnant the $ going out to the neice will probably be needed elsewhere (not that we have to be too tight with $, we're doing well but I don't want to self-sabatoge either).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2011 14:58:39 GMT -5
Do you want your child exposed to them?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2011 15:01:01 GMT -5
BTW, people who recieve handouts are never grateful which is why no thank yous are involved. It is now expected that you will do this and if you stop, as in doing for your own child or simply stop, period, be prepared.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Jul 7, 2011 15:11:31 GMT -5
It sounds like she's getting her childcare paid for, too. Yes, most of it. DN goes to a state paid day-care for $25 a week all expenses paid. She doesn't have to send anything except a spare change of clothes with her. The bus picks DN up at 6am and drops her off at 4pm.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 7, 2011 15:14:59 GMT -5
I think it's a huge (positive) step that you've realized this. It might not change anything immediately, but just knowing what the triggers are will help you be more aware of when you're being manipulated. I'm sure your SIL knows that you are much more reluctant to give HER money for whatever reason, but won't let your niece go without - so SIL can spend money on herself and know that whatever the niece needs is covered.
Do SIL and BIL know that you and your husband are trying for a baby? You may want to give them a little warning that the gift train is going to be slowing down, because if she's gotten to the point where she's expecting help and no longer saying thank you - she's not going to be happy to see the ride end.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Jul 7, 2011 15:19:17 GMT -5
You can also have cards with women's shelters, counseling services, things like that on hand to hand her. You are not a trained counselor and her problems are getting to you. This isn't a good idea, if her husband saw them he might feel she was starting to get out of his control and hurt her bad or kill her. If she looks at shelters and dials one make sure she dials something after on a house phone so he can't check last number dialed. If she only has a cell have her use someone else's phone. If she ever leaves she should only do it once it is dangerous. Most women leave more average is 7 tries. Decide what you want to do and do it once if you need to escape. It is tempting to go back no matter what you think when you leave. Too much new stuff all at once and you miss your home and his family. I never addressed this, sorry. I don't think it is as bad as this. They don't fight all the time, and he might be a jerk but he doesn't look at her phone, and he isn't jealous or anything like that. And if anything did get bad, she has people who would help her. She has family that would take her back without a problem, including her parents. I'm not trying to say that BIL isn't a jerk- just that I don't think physical or mental abuse is going on currently, and I don't think he mentally abused her before either. Just based on how close I am to them and what she has told me and what I have seen. BUT I AM NOT trying to make excuses for him or her. Just trying to be fair. BIL gets mad at SIL frequently for how she treats DN. She gets over-upset and yells at DN, and it angers him. He doesn't hurt SIL- but he will act angry and will ignore her personally and make sure she knows he is upset.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2011 15:24:25 GMT -5
SIL is good at getting me to buy things with suggestions- 'you want to take her swimming? she doesn't have a bathing suit, and I don't have enough $' etc etc. I bought her fancy training potty and her table with chairs, because she needed them badly and her mother always said she was too broke (they don't have a table- they used to make neice eat her cereal standing up at the high coffee table, I couldn't stand it after a couple months and bought the darn thing for $25 at walmart, same deal with the potty). Garage sales are the answer. My SIL bought most of her furniture and all her kids' clothes and toys at garage sales. My brother is the CFO of a company. Their house is beautiful and the 2 boys are now wonderful young men with college educations and good jobs. Growing up with garage-sale clothes and toys doesn't seem to have traumatized them. If your SIL is too "broke" buying stuff for herself after taxpayers have funded all the essentials, she's not in a position to dictate where you buy DN's things, and DN is too little to care. beggars can't be choosers.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Jul 7, 2011 15:25:18 GMT -5
Do SIL and BIL know that you and your husband are trying for a baby? You may want to give them a little warning that the gift train is going to be slowing down, because if she's gotten to the point where she's expecting help and no longer saying thank you - she's not going to be happy to see the ride end. You do have a point. I have talked to her about us THINKING about it, and how difficult it seems to me, etc. I did not say we were now actively TRYING. I feel it's a private matter (but I will publish it on an online forum, lol). I think she has noticed a change in behavior in me, so she probably has an idea that we won't be spending as much in the future. I'm hoping over the next few months the dependency she has developed will dissapate. Besides, she has all those other avenues of 'help' she can and still uses- I shouldn't be needed, which is why this whole thing got to a boiling point in the first place.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2011 16:25:38 GMT -5
You need to get the hell out of there to someplace where they cannot follow you.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 7, 2011 17:21:55 GMT -5
I never addressed this, sorry. I don't think it is as bad as this. They don't fight all the time, and he might be a jerk but he doesn't look at her phone, and he isn't jealous or anything like that. And if anything did get bad, she has people who would help her. She has family that would take her back without a problem, including her parents. I'm not trying to say that BIL isn't a jerk- just that I don't think physical or mental abuse is going on currently, and I don't think he mentally abused her before either. Telling her where the door is & she can leave any time she brings up a serious conversation is abuse & telling her she would never get custody of their daughter is abuse. Both are done to create fear & to control her & both are forms of emotional abuse. She walks on eggshells around the guy & is afraid of making him angry - huge signs of emotional abuse. He may not be hitting her anymore, but that's just because he doesn't have to - she already does exactly what he wants. Not that there is anything that you can do about it, just pointing out that the situation you describe & her actions are classic signs of an abusive relationship.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 7, 2011 19:37:28 GMT -5
Hmm... I'm not sure that will happen without a fairly firm conversation. Most adults who have grown dependent on financial aid from someone don't just up and decide to start supporting themselves without a kick in the pants. Not saying you have to be mean to her, but I think you could gently explain that although you love doing things for DN, it should not be your responsibility to provide her with basic necessities, particularly when her parents are receiving government aid to do just that.
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