ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Jun 12, 2011 15:26:42 GMT -5
Just got back from the Virgin Islands for my daughter's wedding. It didn't go well from my point of view but I hope my daughter thinks it went great.
We rented a house for the groom's family of 6 plus him and the bride's family of 2 plus her. The groom's family was too overwhelming for me and my son. There was no communication of what was going on so we knew no plans until we were walking out the door. Which would have been fine except I like to use the restroom, brush my hair, maybe change and get my purse before I leave. But they were always in a rush to go and didn't want to wait for a few minutes while I got my stuff ready to go.
The groom rented a vehicle and the groom's dad rented a vehicle. My son and I had no means of transportation and the house was up on a mountain and an hour from the town. I knew we weren't renting a vehicle from the beginning but we were lead to believe the house was close to the beach and another town. We had numerous activities planned to do before we got there which we didn't do once we got there.
When we arrived everyone made plans to just relax at the house on the first day. The next day my daughter got sick and was in bed for 2 days before the wedding. She was sick on the wedding day but made it through the ceremony and pictures. I was extremely stressed because I knew she was worried about how she would feel for the wedding. I wanted her day to be fantastic and it wasn't working out that way.
It was just stressful sharing a house with people I didn't know and not having any say in anything we did. The groom's family lives a half hour away from them and they spend all the holidays with his family except Christmas. I live 2 hours away and if I didn't go visit them I would only see them on Christmas and my birthday. I guess I am just feeling a lot left out. I don't even think the photographer took a picture of me and daughter at the wedding. My son and I were in very few pictures compared to the groom's family.
When my daughter told me she knew I wasn't having a good time I told her that the trip was mainly for the wedding and that is the main thing I came for. It didn't really matter that we didn't do the activities we had planned I just felt like I was an outsider rather than the mother of the bride.
But on the plus side, I only spent 1/3 of the money I thought I was going to doing the activities and eating out there. I just feel close to an emotional breakdown from all the stress. The reception is July 30 so I hope that goes better.
My daughter thinks that I didn't have a good time and I must say that I did get quite irritated at times and now I feel bad thinking that she may be worried or mad about how things turned out on the trip.
I definitely don't think it is a good idea to vacation with other people. And if I do it again next time I will have a vehicle and rent a place by myself to lessen the stress.
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Post by jarhead1976 on Jun 12, 2011 15:39:25 GMT -5
Ever do a Rugby shot? Great way to break the ice. They just assume your crazy and the fun can begin.. All kidding aside I am sorry to hear about your trip. Sounds like you were more than accommodating.. Respects
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wodehouse
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Post by wodehouse on Jun 12, 2011 15:46:13 GMT -5
I suspect a lot of these "destination weddings" work out this way. Sounds like you're in touch with the annoyance that you probably are justified in feeling. Sorry it turned out that way.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Jun 12, 2011 15:59:55 GMT -5
I just feel bad that it appears this trip is now about my unhappiness of it rather than the joy of the wedding.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 16:13:14 GMT -5
My son didn't exactly have a destination wedding, but they did go down to the coast where my DIL has family. They married in her grandmother's church and had the reception at her aunt's house.
So everyone else (my ex's family) rented adjacent two-bedroom condos, got together at night to drink and play cards, etc. There I was at the Hilton by myself because I couldn't afford the condos for just me, myself, and I. Obviously, I wasn't slumming it (LOL), but I definitely felt sorry for myself. I was totally left out. I was the ONLY member of my family there other than the groom (my son) and my daughter (who had a husband and was staying with her dad).
What you are describing is natural. But forget about it. Just tell her how beautiful she looked . . . over and over again and every time she wants to make sure YOU had a good time. Keep the conversation away from yourself, and she will let that fade away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 16:22:43 GMT -5
Sorry you had such a bad time on what should have been a happy occasion. Don't blame yourself for your perfectly legitimate feelings. Is it possible your daughter was misled as well, trying to plan a wedding from far away and trusting what she was told? It may be that she thought the house was much closer to the beach and that there would be more room in the hosue to spread out. The fact that she was sick 2 days before the wedding could mean that she was really stressed at the end about how it was going to turn out, how you and your son and the groom's family would all manage in one house, etc. If I got to the site for my destination wedding and realized there wasn't much to do without a rental car, my mother and brother wouldn't be able to do all they'd planned, my future in-laws were taking over, etc. I'd probably get sick, too.
Your daughter and her husband need your support, especially since she seems ot have gotten herself some domineering in-laws. The wedding wasn't the dream day they planned and it's not your fault- your reaction was an honest one. Is there anything you can do to be a little better-prepared for the reception, like asking questions, researching where you'll be staying and making your own plans? You can also ask for a schedule- where do you have to be and when? It's not too much to ask of them. And finally, stand up for yourself. TELL them you prefer to have 10 minutes' notice before rushing out the door someplace and dont' let them push you around.
I hope the reception is better.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 12, 2011 16:39:44 GMT -5
I agree with everything Athena said, and I'm sorry you had such a bad time. This was the primary thing that scared me away from a destination wedding - I'm not good at coordinating vacations with 2 people, let alone 20!
I can empathize with your daughter a bit - because I think my mom felt similarly at my wedding. My MIL took a more active role in planning, and DH's family is 4x as big as mine... on the day of the wedding, I barely saw my mom, and she left the reception early. DH's parents live closer and we see them more (mostly because there are so many of them... way more birthday parties!) But if your daughter is anything like me, it's nothing personal, and I'm sure she feels bad that you didn't have a great time at her wedding.
Is there any way you can plan some private time with her before the reception? Maybe a spa day or something? I'm sure that could be fun for both of you.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Jun 12, 2011 16:43:46 GMT -5
The groom's family are very nice people but they are overwhelming. They just forgot that my son and I weren't in on the plans. They planned to rewrite lyrics to a favorite song of the groom's and sing it to them after the wedding. I found this out when they were telling us to come out and perform with them. It seemed like they were all aware of what was going on and didn't realize that my son and I weren't. They are bad at communication skills.
I don't know anything about the reception because the bride and groom are planning it all. I just plan on hopefully buying a new dress and showing up. At least there will be a couple more of my family there so I may not feel so out of place. But out of 75 people invited to the reception there is only 10 - 15 of the bride's family that will go. The reception is 2 1/2 hours away from where I live so I will just drive up that day or the night before and rent a room.
And I feel bad for my daughter even though she is marrying a nice guy. She wants to spend some holidays with me but he wants to spend them all with his family.
She probably did get sick from all the stress. She worked overtime for 3 weeks before the wedding so she could take that time off.
And I know that I get an attitude some times because they spend so much time with the groom's family and hardly any with me. And the fact that they are so much better off than I am also makes me feel bad. I was planning on giving them $1000 for a wedding gift and the groom's parents gave them $2500. I know it isn't a competition but I still feel bad.
I guess I am just having a "feel sorry for myself" pity party right now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 19:49:21 GMT -5
I'm sorry this wasn't a great vacation - but that is the way I would file it away mentally. A lame vacation with people you will never have to travel with again. Sure, you may see them the occasional holiday or at your grandkids' graduation, but they won't be travel buddies. No big loss.
As far as the wedding goes, you were there for your daughter on her special day. You will be there for the reception. Go, look fabulous, and have a wonderful time. Make sure lots of people take your picture with your DD and new SIL.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Jun 12, 2011 19:50:06 GMT -5
Sorry it didn't go as well as you had hoped. Perhaps now that they are married you and your daughter can carve out some time to spend together that doesn't involve the holidays. Then you could enjoy each other's company without her feeling like she's being yanked in two directions. You lose the holidays, but gain the time. Not ideal, I know.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jun 13, 2011 7:11:33 GMT -5
Part one-I am sorry the wedding didn't go well. Try to console yourself with the fact that it was just one day. The marriage is what really matters. You said the groom is a nice guy, keep telling yourself that.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jun 13, 2011 7:16:35 GMT -5
Part two-Remember that his family is now her family. Please don't make any comments to her about them. Sound off to your friends, your family or us. Do not say anything about his family. If they spend the holidays with his family, try to schedule a day before the holidays to start your own traditions. Believe me it's hard when the grooms parents are making comments about the bride's family and how much time the couple are spending with her parents and nobody on his side ever gets to see them and when grandchildren come along they won't know the paternal grandparents and I could go on and on and on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 7:26:25 GMT -5
It's not easy to find compatible people to travel with. And I learned the hard way to never be at anyone else's mercy re accomodations or transportation. It's amazing but I find people much more thoughtful in discussing things with me when I have the alternative to go in the completely opposite direction.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Jun 13, 2011 7:49:49 GMT -5
And I feel bad for my daughter even though she is marrying a nice guy. She wants to spend some holidays with me but he wants to spend them all with his family.
Sorry you didn't have a good time at your daughter's wedding, but hopefully she did and that's what counts.
As far as the holidays, this is really common. My MIL and I were talking about this at Easter. As a couple who each came to the marriage with 2 kids, when the kids were growing up, we had to divide holidays with their other parents and I had to divide my time between my in-laws and my dad. Now that the kids are in their 20's and have significant others they are dividing their time each holiday between 2 sets of parents/grandparents plus their SO's family. Sometimes the day feels like more of a progressive dinner party than an actual holiday.
MIL and I decided that the next round of holidays we're going to try letting the other 2 families split the time with the kids and we're going to celebrate with them the day before or the day after. And my MIL has started inviting my dad to join in when we celebrate holidays at her house so that I don't have to cook a second dinner at my house for him later.
Since you have the small family, it might be easier to make friends with your daughter's in-laws so that she and her husband can invite you all to be with them on holidays.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 8:27:49 GMT -5
Would some explain to me how a completely selfish person is a "nice guy"? yeah, really. DH's family is completely suffocating and overwhelming and expected that we'd spend every holiday with them (my family is out of state 2.5 hours away). We told them that now that we're married we have TWO families and we need to spend time with both. We have a holiday rotation between the two families, and my family hosts summer holidays (Memorial Day, 4th of July) on the weekend anyway, so that's never an issue. He needs to either realize that it's unreasonable for them to NEVER see you on holidays or grow a set and stand up to his family.
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crockpottin
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Post by crockpottin on Jun 13, 2011 8:42:56 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that the destination wedding wasn't much fun, hopefully the reception will go better for you. The holiday issue just sucks because there's no perfect solution that will make everyone 100% happy That said, what my DH and I try to do is spread out the visits over time. For example, there's no possible way for us to visit everyone at Christmas, so we'll visit some relatives in early December, some right at Christmastime, and others after Christmas, like in early January. (My DH's parents are divorced, which means it takes more then 2 visits to cover everyone). Would this be a workable solution for you?
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 13, 2011 9:13:27 GMT -5
I am sorry that the Wedding did not go well. I can't add much to what has already been said, but I did want to comment on the distance you live from your daughter. 2-21/2 hours does not seem like a large distance to me. Sure you are not going to see her every weekend, but you should manage to see her frequently. I grew up with my Dad's parents living about 3 hours from us and my Mom's Parents living a good hour away.
This meant we spent Thanksgiving and Easter and Part of the summer with the grandparents that lived the farthest away. We Spent Christmas Day with My Mom's Parents. We visited Mom's Parents about once a month on Sunday for Dinner, and Always spent Mother's Day and Father's Day with them. The distance saved us from having to visit two places on the same day - Something that I long for becasue at this point in time both my parents and my in-laws live in the same city as I do, and I have to be in two places the same day for every holiday.
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april47
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Post by april47 on Jun 13, 2011 9:59:24 GMT -5
When you live too close to your grown kids you have problems too. My daughter and her family live 10 minutes away. I don't want to just drop in all the time and be a nuisance. They have a very busy life with kids and jobs. I don't want them on here or some other message board talking about their mother bothering all the time.
As far as the wedding goes, I feel that some weddings are set to disappoint because of unrealistic expectations. "Perfect" weddings are not the norm. Someday maybe you will look back and laugh. It is not the quality of the wedding that counts, it's the quality of the MARRIAGE that counts. My husband and I were wed in the ministers living room and I didn't even have flowers or a reception. We were married over 40 years when he died and it's not the wedding I miss.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 13, 2011 10:18:36 GMT -5
On the holiday note--please make sure that you invite your daughter and her husband to have holidays (and just regular get togethers) with you. We're always in trouble with DH's parents, but most of it boils down to them not making plans. We're supposed to just 'show up' which really doesn't work. If they would just call and say, 'what are you up to this weekend? We were hoping to get together, maybe Sunday lunch?' Then there is still flexibility, but a real invite as well.
Good luck at the reception.
I can totally relate to the wedding issues. Who ever thought up these 'destination weddings' is nuts. Why would I have fun sharing a house with a bunch of people I barely know?
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Havoc
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Post by Havoc on Jun 13, 2011 10:22:59 GMT -5
DH's family is completely suffocating and overwhelming and expected that we'd spend every holiday with them (my family is out of state 2.5 hours away). We told them that now that we're married we have TWO families and we need to spend time with both. We have a holiday rotation between the two families, and my family hosts summer holidays (Memorial Day, 4th of July) on the weekend anyway, so that's never an issue. This is pretty much what we did when we got married - split the holidays, and alternated the major ones (eg, if we spent T-giving with DW's fam and Christmas with mine one year, reversed it the following year). I can't say that it worked ideally - we always got passive pressure (in the form of guilt trips) from both sides. Things changed when we spawned mini-Havocs... my early childhood was filled of memories of many... many roadtrips around the holidays, and I was pretty determined that our kids memories would be of holidays at home, not in day-long car rides. So now we see the ILs a few times a year, and while we sometimes roadtrip over Thanksgiving, every one is welcome here for Christmas.... And I agree with Bean... 2.5 hrs isn't really that far in the big scheme of things. You just have to make sure that the visits are spaced out enough that you are a welcome, short-term visitor, and not a continual disruption to their daily routines.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 10:25:26 GMT -5
You sound like my MIL. I don't like her.
You spent the entire experience thinking about how inconvenienced you were and it continues on even after the wedding. Maybe they don't visit you more often for a reason. Think about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 10:33:21 GMT -5
well that was uncalled for.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 13, 2011 10:37:24 GMT -5
You should have asked for a ride into town and gotten your own transportation. If you aren't very flexible, then you need to create your own flexibility. So, if they say "We are leaving RIGHT NOW to go to such and such activity." You can say "I'm going to brush my hair, and I'll meet you there." And everyone is happy.
I certainly understand wanting to spend holidays with family, but there are many more weeks without holidays than with them. You need to create time with your adult child without 'holiday pressure' in order to bolster a strong relationship. I would invite them at least once a month.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 10:41:44 GMT -5
I certainly understand wanting to spend holidays with family, but there are many more weeks without holidays than with them. You need to create time with your adult child without 'holiday pressure' in order to bolster a strong relationship. I would invite them at least once a month. am I the only person who thinks it's completely unreasonable to think they should never visit the OP on a holiday?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 10:45:23 GMT -5
The fun of joining two families together!
My parents sound like your daughter's new in-laws. My side of the family wants DW, DD and I to be with them at all holidays and every weekend. LOL. They realize that that is not doable (at least I think they do) but my Mom is good at laying on the guilt rather thickly.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 13, 2011 10:49:58 GMT -5
No, you are NOT the only one who thinks no holidays with the OP is unreasonable but there is a LOT of backstory that was on the old boards and not this one.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 13, 2011 10:51:07 GMT -5
My ILs are a lot like this... plus our family is more "casual" whereas DH's family has some set-in-stone traditions, which he is loath to miss. We try to make things equal, and visit his family for the Christmas Eve gift-swap, then sneak away to see mine, then back over to his for Christmas morning, then back to mine... which usually just seems to make both sides feel slighted, but what can you do? :/
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 13, 2011 10:52:53 GMT -5
No, but you can't force an adult to do something just because they "should" do it. I want to be with my family on holidays because they are fun. My husband wants to be with my family on holidays because he enjoys them. And every year, we force ourselves to miss on the fun times because we are obligated to go and be with my husband's family. If they weren't such kill-joys we might actually want to go there.
Yes, we live out our obligations to his family, as you request. But, that doesn't mean that everyone will.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 13, 2011 10:59:47 GMT -5
I have an aunt and uncle who are divorced, and both remarried. Their kids are grown - one is married and there are grandkids. The other one is a hard-working, travel all the time, type. There are also step-kids on both sides. My aunt (the Mom) has dinner every single week. Whoever is around, shows up. Whoever is out of town, or busy, or sick, or whatever, doesn't. You can stay for an hour or 4 hours. That family is so close because they see each other all the time. They eat and chat at least a couple times a month. I've been told that holidays together are rare because they see dad, or the in-laws, or the other in-laws (because the spouse's parents are divorced also.) And the other parents "require" a holiday meal together. But the kids are closest to the person they DON'T spend the holidays with. They are closest to the one that is there for them every week - not the one that calls once a year and demands they play perfect because the date on the calendar says "December 25th."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 11:08:50 GMT -5
thyme, my ILs do both. They have get-togethers for every birthday and Mother/Father's Day and yet still expect everyone to be present on all major holidays. I guess other family members took our lead and started realizing that their other family obligations shouldn't be ignored all the time. They usually want to hang out with the families that get ignored over DH's family - not that I can blame them.
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