Daughter's wedding is over and it didn't go well

[bobosensei]

Jun 12, 2011 16:43:46 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

And I feel bad for my daughter even though she is marrying a nice guy. She wants to spend some holidays with me but he wants to spend them all with his family.

That doesn't sound like a nice guy to me. If he wants to spend every holiday with family then surely he can see how your daughter might want the same.

The trouble DH and I have when it comes to which family to do holidays with is that his parents are divorced. His side is HUGE- and his parents are always arguing over which one is going to get him on the holidays- they totally don't even think about my side of the family which is just my mom (dad died years ago). After the first year of spending more time on the road than with family on Christmas and Thanksgiving I decided that I would do what I wanted and DH could do all the running around he wanted to do. As a result I get to see my family a little more, and I still see DH's side, just not as much. DH, however, barely spends time with my mom and it hurts her feelings- but at least she still gets to see me.

[crockpottin]

Jun 13, 2011 10:18:36 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

On the holiday note--please make sure that you invite your daughter and her husband to have holidays (and just regular get togethers) with you. We're always in trouble with DH's parents, but most of it boils down to them not making plans. We're supposed to just 'show up' which really doesn't work. If they would just call and say, 'what are you up to this weekend? We were hoping to get together, maybe Sunday lunch?' Then there is still flexibility, but a real invite as well.

I agree with this-if you want to see your daughter, extending an invite certainly will help! Especially if it's in advance: "Hey, I know you guys spent last Christmas with the in laws, I'd love to host this year." At the very least it gets your wishes out there instead of building up resentment over time.

[cronewitch]

Start a new family on your own if you are a young family. Your daughter needs to step up and have the holidays at her house. She can have her husband and children and anyone else she cares to invite. Then her children grow up with family traditions like Christmas with their own tree and parents.

My SIL did that when her kids were young, now her daughter is the hostess. The kids don't need to go anywhere. The hostess invites everyone from both sides and if they say no that is their right. If they invite her she can say she is hosting people so can't but they are welcome to join her family.

My SIL had two divorced parents, 6 siblings who mostly married and had kids and grand kids but my brother only had mom and dad and I most of the time. Her siblings don't normally come now since they have kids and grand kids but I still see them some times. When they were young with young children we might have 40 people for dinner but now down to about 10-12.

I took Christmas Eve as my own holiday. I would invite my parents, brother, SIL and all the nieces and nephews. One niece never could come because her husband's family was split and one niece every other year but it was nice to see them most years.

You might want to take a holiday for yourself like Christmas Desert inviting people Dec 25th after 6PM so they can spend a couple of hours after the big holiday meal.

[zibazinski]

If its just your mom, take her with you to the in-laws. I have always felt the more the merrier anyway. I have a cousin whose husband's family is HUGE and she just has her mom left. Mom just comes along and has a great time. Of course, his family is very welcoming to her.

[moneymaven]

Sorry to hear that things didn't go as you would have liked...

Which would have been fine except I like to use the restroom, brush my hair, maybe change and get my purse before I leave. But they were always in a rush to go and didn't want to wait for a few minutes while I got my stuff ready to go.

That does sound irritating but I suppose that's what can happen when you're at the mercy of another person/people to get around.

On our last trip, I was 4 months pregnant and needing to use the restroom all the time. DH and I rented the car and MIL/SIL rode with us. MIL was getting annoyed that we had to keep stopping throughout the trip. I told her to suck it up or get her own car/ride. We paid for the rental, didn't ask for her to contribute and she invited herself to ride along with us. I was really annoyed with her being so inconsiderate.

[NastyWoman]

Ok. I have the opposite problem from what others are bringing up here. DS got married in March and the couple plans to spend Xmas at my place YOOHOO!!! However, I met DIL's parents for the first time a few days before the wedding and we got slong great. At that time DIL's mom (DILM) let slip that DH had told DIL that he wanted to spend Xmas with me every year and DILM was trying to find out what I thought about this. Well DILM and I both think they should share their time between us. So next year DS will be in Texas whether he knows it or not. I would love to have them always but that is just not fair. So my question to you is: how do I tell him nicely that I always want him to be at my place but he has to go to the land of the Longhorns just as regularly

[thyme4change]

So my question to you is: how do I tell him nicely that I always want him to be at my place but he has to go to the land of the Longhorns just as regularly

My mother always says "Joe and Fran love you to and they want to be with you as much as I do." It was a good way to get started, but now my mother has turned it into a nag point. Because my family will get together to celebrate ground hogs day and every other ridiculous excuse we can think of, my mother thinks my MIL isn't getting her "fair share." Now, my husband can barely make his own decisions without my mother giving me a rash of crap about it. So, start where she did. But, after a couple years - let it go. They will decide what is best for their family.

[zibazinski]

Maybe he doesn't like his parents much and you guys were a good excuse. I wouldn't like it if my MIL made holiday plans for me, even if it was with my mother.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Seems the OP could have done a lot to improve the situation if she wanted to...'wow - we're leaving now?? I didn't know, can I just have 10 minutes?" Once in the car "What are the plans for tomorrow so I can be prepared?"":::...

I'm totally on board with the idea of getting your OWN transportation once it became clear that the other family was going to treat you as an afterthought. I'm sure they all gave each other plenty of notice on when to leave, then just dumped it on the OP, and if the OP took "just 10 minutes" to get ready, the others would be sitting in the car griping about how inconsiderate she is for making them all wait when they were all ready.

DF and I were at a wedding where we were at the mercy of others for transportation, and while it wasn't bad because it had been agreed upon up front, there were times it was difficult.

But I can see how it is the fear of a much larger dynamic -- that his family will "own" them, and you will be left on the sidelines. This is certainly a common problem, and as has been said several times, there is no solution that everyone can be happy with all of the time.

In my case, I have the larger family, and so far have been able to keep the peace with a "year sharing" arrangement. DF HATES holidays, and family events in general so it can be very rough. I have several family events over the next year that I'd "like" her presence at (and as we are now engaged, people really do want to meet her) but there is also a small part of me that says it will be much less stress on me to just leave her home. Bringing her along when she doesn't want to be there is just more unnecessary stress and cost. Since its not the end of the world, maybe I can frame it to her as a little present for her.

ETA: I can also see how in these family dynamics, there always emerges an "alpha host/hostess" who ends up being the de facto driver behind major get togethers. Those who are not the alpha are usually best just accepting the pecking order, and focusing on attending the alpha's party. Trying to compete for the host/hostess position could result in forcing people to choose sides, which can backfire big time if the alpha fights back.

[bean29]

ETA: I can also see how in these family dynamics, there always emerges an "alpha host/hostess" who ends up being the de facto driver behind major get togethers. Those who are not the alpha are usually best just accepting the pecking order, and focusing on attending the alpha's party. Trying to compete for the host/hostess position could result in forcing people to choose sides, which can backfire big time if the alpha fights back.

Well, DH and I often end up hosting b/c we have the best setting/largest house. It is not easy to stage the party. I am often torn 10 different ways. My MIL spends a lot of time at my house and she knows where everything is, so she can get out more plates or more silverware etc, but there are other things that DH or I may have to deal with, along with preparing food, lighting the grill, breaking up issues with kids (ours and guests), greeting people, saying goodby...so If you stop me and say gee your are out of X can I get more out I appreciate it -- I am not insulted.

I was at a party this weekend and they had events clearly set up for the kids, but they had not started it yet and people were beginning to leave. My DH is pretty good about reminding me to serve the Cake, Open Presents etc. when it is our party, I took it upon myself to prompt the hostess to start the games, and told her my DH and her DH's cousin were ready to help. I also cleaned out coolers out at the end of the party and brought the soda and water inside and put it on the bar. One of DH's friends asked me so Bean are you trying to tell me I need to quit drinking? I said well, it's up to you, but if you don't quit drinking you are spending the night here. The Host was right behind me and he just said yeah that's right. We have been friends for 20 years and DH and I have unofficially helped with the catering at many parties. We are invited to nearly every event they have, so I am not worried about stepping on toes.