NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 31, 2022 8:35:36 GMT -5
My 11 year old had a fit this morning because one eye lid is more creased than the other.
Probably didn't handle that right by saying "And?"
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Mar 31, 2022 8:39:12 GMT -5
My 11 year old had a fit this morning because one eye lid is more creased than the other. Probably didn't handle that right by saying "And?" Sorry, but I would have said the same thing.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 31, 2022 8:57:41 GMT -5
That's a tough one tcu. Definitely doesn't sound like an incident that an adult should yell at a kid for, but you have a good data point now that parent loses his temper and regardless of what impression you get of him going forward this is one to remember. Maybe it was a one time thing, but yelling is for safety issues, not when there's plenty of time to ask what happened, help, etc.
I think I would reach out to N's parents, let them know C told you he accidentally hit her with a ball and ask if she's okay. (I'm sure she is, but a good opening). See if they provide context for what happened. Before talking to her parents I'd try to coach C on going over (with you) to apologize to N directly, and then ask her parents if/when he could do that.
I'd encourage the kids to play in your yard, not N's for a while. As weather gets better its easier to have some more interaction with neighbors and see how it goes.
We have a block with several kids and a lot of free range parenting, so there are plenty of opportunities for other parents to intervene. I think I'm the mean mom on the block and have had to stop some things, but it's pretty easy to tell everyone it's time to go home.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 31, 2022 10:36:53 GMT -5
So many kids are having a hard time right now. Covid finally slows and now they hear about the war. Speaking from experience, my unprocessed emotions spill out when the traumatic event is over - too busy surviving during the event. Seeing this in both my kids. DD13 is managing okay and actually referencing her coping skills from therapy in 6th and 7th grade. DD9 is highly anxious right now, so I'm setting her up with therapy but can't get in until June.
If your gut says therapy will help, set it up ASAP bc waiting lists are everywhere. I'm trying to explain to both girls in age appropriate ways that adults are struggling too. My employer set up 3 different seminars - 2 mental health, 1 return to work. I'm talking about them at dinner.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 31, 2022 10:44:01 GMT -5
So many kids are having a hard time right now. Covid finally slows and now they hear about the war. Speaking from experience, my unprocessed emotions spill out when the traumatic event is over - too busy surviving during the event. Seeing this in both my kids. DD13 is managing okay and actually referencing her coping skills from therapy in 6th and 7th grade. DD9 is highly anxious right now, so I'm setting her up with therapy but can't get in until June.
If your gut says therapy will help, set it up ASAP bc waiting lists are everywhere. I'm trying to explain to both girls in age appropriate ways that adults are struggling too. My employer set up 3 different seminars - 2 mental health, 1 return to work. I'm talking about them at dinner.
I actually got in right away with someone close. Connor spoke with a therapist a handful of times and he no longer sees kids, but he referred me to a practice. They don't take insurance which sucks, but I'm hoping it will be similar to ds that a few sessions give us a base and then we just continue as needed. If we like this place I'd like to start seeing someone too. Of course I'm pretty sure mine will be long term and it's not cheap.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Mar 31, 2022 12:22:53 GMT -5
After two covid summers, I'm now thrust back into the thick of it and remembering how much I HATE scheduling summers for a middle-schooler. Gone are the all-day options that K-6th grade have. Instead it's stuff like, marching band at 8-9:30am one week and Lego "camp" from noon-2 on another one. I don't remember how the heck I managed last time? I think older son's dad might have helped out with drop off and pick-up from some of the stuff since he worked in town and could leave whenever. Carrot's dad won't be able to do that.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 31, 2022 12:45:23 GMT -5
After two covid summers, I'm now thrust back into the thick of it and remembering how much I HATE scheduling summers for a middle-schooler. Gone are the all-day options that K-6th grade have. Instead it's stuff like, marching band at 8-9:30am one week and Lego "camp" from noon-2 on another one. I don't remember how the heck I managed last time? I think older son's dad might have helped out with drop off and pick-up from some of the stuff since he worked in town and could leave whenever. Carrot's dad won't be able to do that. Agreed- it sucks. We have a lot of flexibility with mine and dh's job and my folks to help and it still sucks.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Mar 31, 2022 12:55:46 GMT -5
Because he's a summer baby, the earliest he'll be able to get a license will be halfway through the summer before Jr year in high school. Ugh...five summers of this. I hate to just bring him to town and leave him at his dad's or cousin's during the day. No good would come of that I'm sure.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Mar 31, 2022 13:42:21 GMT -5
TCU - hard to know with that story. I usually don't let my kids play at other neighbors without having a meal or a couple hours of interaction with both parents and any siblings living there. A pain and maybe overprotective but I want to be able to talk to them openly if something like this were to come up, so I need to establish relationship first. Girl is 2nd grade, how old is C? Maybe the dad is used to yelling at the brother to stop bothering the little sister? Your follow up conversations with C sound good.
Unfortunately our backyards are all open, and C was technically in the brothers’ backyard, which isn’t an issue at all. N just also happened to come into that yard as well. C is a 4th grader, and M is a Kindergartner. N’s little brother is younger than M, maybe 3.5-4 in age. And thanks for the suggestions everyone!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 31, 2022 14:47:29 GMT -5
Because he's a summer baby, the earliest he'll be able to get a license will be halfway through the summer before Jr year in high school. Ugh...five summers of this. I hate to just bring him to town and leave him at his dad's or cousin's during the day. No good would come of that I'm sure. Maybe a highschooler or 2 could be paid to shuttle him around a bit? Still a pain.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Mar 31, 2022 14:55:27 GMT -5
Because he's a summer baby, the earliest he'll be able to get a license will be halfway through the summer before Jr year in high school. Ugh...five summers of this. I hate to just bring him to town and leave him at his dad's or cousin's during the day. No good would come of that I'm sure. Maybe a highschooler or 2 could be paid to shuttle him around a bit? Still a pain. I'm hoping his brother can help out still this Summer as he'll be coming home. He's planning on taking a couple classes and wants to work as a temp where I work. Maybe I can convince him to do second shift so he's home during the day. Starting in September he'll have a year round lease and I doubt he'll be home much anymore.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 2, 2022 8:56:34 GMT -5
Do you have connections with any other moms/dads of his friends? I couldn't have survived the comings/goings of the few yrs without my mom tribe pitching in. There are about 4 of us open to shuttling our 13 yos around and one of us volunteers as it fits our schedules best. Harder to do since you are rural but maybe an option. Heck, my younger one and her neighbor friend practically live between houses. We love that she's busy playing and living her best life even if that means we have an extra kid (or two as the younger sister comes too) for most every Sat or Sun. They occupy themselves and appear for food which they can now mostly get themselves.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 2, 2022 17:04:42 GMT -5
No, I only sort of know one of his friend's moms, but that kid is from a different school. The whole carpool thing doesn't work great when we're 15 miles out of town. However, one of his friends we recently found out lives just 2.5 miles down the road from us on the ridge and his Dad is a teacher and coach and is doing a lot of the summer programming for 5th-8th grade. I keep telling Carrot to make plans with that kid so they can hang out together...I think there's like 6 kids in the family. It's close enough that they could bike back and forth.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2022 9:15:03 GMT -5
The teen years have brought back the joy of sleeping pictures. Not that I would ever post them, or take pictures of anything personal. But completely wrapped up like a mummy, or 360 facing the wrong way on the bed are just great to find.
I'm late in getting ds an alarm click and I'm thinking I'll get him the bed shaker one instead of just the pillow shaker since he's frequently off the pillow.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 8, 2022 8:39:52 GMT -5
I'm taking my 13 yo niece on her first flight in July on Southwest. Does anyone know what paperwork/id she might need to travel without her parents? I couldn't find info on their website for this situation, travel forums seem to indicate nothing but a letter is nice to have, call wait was 75 mins so I hung up. Excited to be able to offer her this opportunity and have some 1-1 time. We're flying to San Antonio and will meet up with her folks and sisters as they're driving - hate to fly, expensive, yada, yada. I'm providing childcare while they attend a conference on my 11 yo's niece's chromosome disorder. This will be my 3rd conference with them. Our hotel is right on the riverwalk. As it gets closer, I'll be looking for kid friendly things to do to spoil them
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Apr 8, 2022 9:08:44 GMT -5
Generally nothing, especially at 13. I would get a notarized letter from her parents that you’re authorized to take her to the doctor/hospital if she gets sick and travel with her. But as she’s 13, TSA will ask her name and make sure it matches her boarding pass, and southwest likely will say nothing when she boards. They never look at the names on my kids’ tickets / ask if that’s them when they actually board the plane.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 8, 2022 9:29:35 GMT -5
Carrot has flown with my mom numerous times with nothing. He has a passport and I give it to her just so he has a picture ID, but she's never needed it.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 15, 2022 7:54:11 GMT -5
So after I posted about sleepover success on WAYD thread, DD9 unloaded all of her anxiety on me from 8 to 10 pm. I did a good job of staying calm, listening, confirming that her feelings are valid, and trying to prompt her to brainstorm solutions with me. Finished with saying we had to focus on shifting her mind to good things so taught her the list 3 things you are grateful for exercise. Gave her my own 3 for the day, then she did hers and we were both laughing when I tucked her in bed.
Meanwhile I felt exhausted, depleted, and my heart breaks for her. She's walking around carrying all this stuff that she really shouldn't but I can't help her see it. Her classmates are struggling with math, current topic is long division. She thinks it's fun and finishes the class work quickly so she gets enlisted to help others which I think she is pretty good at and enjoys. But several of her girlfriends are in the headspace that math is hard, I'll never get it, but I never fail at anything dilemma. Dd says 4 of them cry every math class. She feels so bad for them and tried to help but they are so upset that now they can't possibly learn. Hmm, I've seen that pattern time and time again in both my girls. Bright students but give them a real challenge and self doubt and emotions get in the way. I read somewhere that this is described as the reptile brain taking over, so I explained that to dd13 at about age 9 and now when I see the spiral start I say don't let the reptiles win. If nothing else, it's weird and breaks the tension. Dd13 does it less and less but now struggles with the procrastination aspect of the cycle. She learned this week that even with her amazing memory she couldn't memorize the presidents in the two hours before bedtime the night before the test. In fact she will walk thru the room when dd9 is melting down about writing exercises and say man those reptiles are winning.
Dd9 is able to see the situation play out more clearly with her friends than herself so I'll call that a start. She said I can't help them when they are crying and muttering math is stupid. Um, yeah. After coaching all the girls for 3 months, I could name the 4 without her telling me. Bright kids, want to succeed or even be perfect so badly that at least one would hold back tears every practice. Sports can be a great way to take the I sick mindset and flip it if they listen, and I hope I helped them in some small way.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 15, 2022 8:12:24 GMT -5
So dd9 went from math class to science where another group of girls lost it to recess where then everybody was bent out of shape and the queen bee drama is starting to take over. So then she had no one to play with it and it translates in her brain to I have no friends, no one likes me. Ugh. Again from coaching, I know everyone likes her. If anything she floats between all the girls but then can't see what she doesn't have the BFF that she longs for. So the meltdown flipped to having no playdates this long weekend bc her easy going neighbor friends are out of town.
Bday party this afternoon that she confessed she isn't in the mood to go to bc bday girl bragged to the class that mom bought her a tiara to wear at the venue. Do said I don't want to watch her being treated like royalty. She isn't wrong, and I affirmed that and may give her an out for the party , will see how she feels today. She actually likes the girl okay but recognizes that girl is a spoiled brat bc parents give her everything, fix everything, and have no rules. Again, she's not wrong.
Meanwhile the night brings all my beefs with DH to the surface. I'm in weekly therapy trying to piece together my thoughts and it's helping but exhausting and terrible timing bc there is so much work bs right now and I'm trying to take an active role to defend myself and others from the crap and ever increasing unsustainable workload.
I'd asked DH to take the ten to midnight shift periodically checking on the teens. He's a night owl and up most nights even weeknights playing computer games (beat to death topic). Last night he showers at 930 and decides to turn in. When I asked about it after calming dd9, he got defensive so I dropped it. He also made a comment about why both girls insist on saving their emotions for bedtime. Yeah, that frustrates me to bud, but I deal bc I don't want them to be like me and learn to stuff them down. He has no concept of anxiety so doesn't get it, why are they upset about the mere possibility of getting a B when he coasted with Cs. I'm not sure it would be helpful for him to handle it 1-1 but man would it be nice if he came alongside me with them during these moments. And listened to me vent afterwards. Oh, and maybe instead of saying hey, you told me you were going to get dd9 into therapy, did you do it yet? Why can't he say which ones have you been playing phone tag with amongst work and mtgs? I'll call them. My procrastination has kicked in on that item plus each time I leave a message with times, they call back and say those dates no longer work, we are booking into June now. I feel defeated that I can't get my baby the help she needs for another two months and then I put off calling again. Plus I know she will need to go 1-2 times per week and I know adding that to my calendar is staring me in the face.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 15, 2022 9:17:00 GMT -5
azucena, for all you do, this bud's for you.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 15, 2022 12:08:50 GMT -5
That's a lesson I feel like we're always struggling with. Even if we can talk through the problem and how we pushed through and now it makes sense it's a tough one to translate to the next hard thing.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 16, 2022 8:30:39 GMT -5
Freaking annoyed and venting---- Apparently the girls dad has decided not to go down to his parents tomorrow. The plan was for them all to go down tomorrow, the girls spend Spring Break there and then his parents bring them back Friday. They live 3 hours away. I don't know why he decided not to go, don't really care but annoyed now that tomorrow I will have to drive them down and come back. I also need the money he owes me for bills, past few months he has been good with giving it to me on the 15th. I might just drive them down tonight
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 16, 2022 10:01:46 GMT -5
Freaking annoyed and venting---- Apparently the girls dad has decided not to go down to his parents tomorrow. The plan was for them all to go down tomorrow, the girls spend Spring Break there and then his parents bring them back Friday. They live 3 hours away. I don't know why he decided not to go, don't really care but annoyed now that tomorrow I will have to drive them down and come back. I also need the money he owes me for bills, past few months he has been good with giving it to me on the 15th. I might just drive them down tonight Well, WTH? So, it's suddenly your responsibility to take them to HIS parents house because he decided to change his plans? I would be livid. And, yeah, I'd probably take them today too so Easter wasn't all on the road.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 16, 2022 13:26:17 GMT -5
Well he is fully pissed at me now. So be it. I called his mom and let her know the change in plans, because he was just going to like no show/no call. (for the record his parents are the most awesome people ever) So I guess I have made him look bad to his family. I told him I would take the girls down tonight and he responded with, “do whatever you like.” I got the rest of the laundry in and asked if he would switch it over to the dryer, since I will be at the soccer game with the youngest and I will need the girls to pack as soon as we get home. I just got a grunt. It is all the girls' clothes. I guess I owe my mom an apology. At least he did have the money. The only thing keeping him living in the basement is the girls.I really think it would be easier just not to have him around for me, but I have no idea what that would do to their relationship with him. And he does have a good one with them. let me rephrase that, the only thing from my reasoning keeping him living in the basement is the girls. The 460 a month he gives me, wouldn't go very far living anywhere else. And 160 of that is for his car insurance. There is a part of me that wish there was away for him to have the consequences of this with the girls, without the girls actually being upset or disappointed. Does that make sense. And sorry if dumping all of this is too much.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 16, 2022 14:58:03 GMT -5
I totally get that Geena. I think you're going above and beyond and he should be falling over grateful to you.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 16, 2022 15:03:44 GMT -5
You might want to look into divorce counseling. Yes it's a thing. It's meant to help in situations like yours.
They can help you explore and walk through all your options and can if you wish involve the girls.
Their answers may surprise you in a neutral environment regarding what they want.
If he was willing their dad could go. If he's not it still provides you a place to work through things without the pressure of him being around.
It's one more thing I know but it sounds like the three 9f you could really benefit from it.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 16, 2022 15:08:57 GMT -5
I personally could not keep living like that. The kids can still have a relationship with their dad if he's living somewhere else. Both my boys have great relationships with their dads. You have to think of yourself too.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 17, 2022 5:40:59 GMT -5
Geena - thx for trusting us enough to vent. I'm staring at some similar hard choices of my own and man it sucks. You put into words exactly what I feel. My therapist has suggested I write a letter in an effort to avoid the same argument cycle. That makes sense to me and I plan to. I'm not yet ready for the possible consequences. However, I am seeing things more clearly day by day, and I can't keep putting up with this.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 17, 2022 8:28:39 GMT -5
We the oldest didn't want to stay a while week. So we ended up driving down Saturday, the girls and I. We all spent the night and after Easter dinner the oldest and I will head home. She said she just needs some alone time in her room during break. I can see it. You would think all things considering it would be awkward like a bad sitcoms but really it isn't at all. As far as his family is concerned I am still part of it and treated like it. Him not coming hasn't or him at all hasn't even come up in conversation.
I know he could have a realtionship with the girls if he was out, but I don't know if he would. Specially without me doing the planning picking up dropping off. And how many times would there be the last min of him backing out of something and having to cover still. Also the fact that just renting a bedroom where we live is around 800. There is no way he could afford a two bedroom apartment, so where would the girls stay when visiting. And knows if he would be required to pay child support or myself almony. I know that is something I do need to talk to a lawyer about more in depth.
The things that pissed me off the most yesterday wasn't so much the driving. That annoyed me, but how he didn't even consider the disappointment to the girls. It was just what he felt like.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 17, 2022 8:33:44 GMT -5
Geena - thx for trusting us enough to vent. I'm staring at some similar hard choices of my own and man it sucks. You put into words exactly what I feel. My therapist has suggested I write a letter in an effort to avoid the same argument cycle. That makes sense to me and I plan to. I'm not yet ready for the possible consequences. However, I am seeing things more clearly day by day, and I can't keep putting up with this. I am sorry you are going through this. It took me a few years to get to the point I am at. At this point the only time the situation actually bothers me and annoys me is when it is something like this with the girls. Besides that it really is like having a roommate that I hardly ever see in the basement. As far as this situation I think I would have been just upset over it if he lived somewhere else as well. We all deserve to be happy. I am finding mine with going out with friends,family around me, planning my trip, and being the best mom I can be.
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