geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 17, 2022 12:56:43 GMT -5
And guess who just showed up at his parents. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the girls and his family but also have a WTF going on.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 17, 2022 20:39:38 GMT -5
And guess who just showed up at his parents. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the girls and his family but also have a WTF going on. OMG. I would be furious. That's a long-ass drive you made because he wasn't going.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 17, 2022 21:03:22 GMT -5
And guess who just showed up at his parents. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the girls and his family but also have a WTF going on. OMG. I would be furious. That's a long-ass drive you made because he wasn't going. I will say it is nice to know that someone else would react the same way, and my emotions are not unrealistic. Thank you.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 18, 2022 10:15:38 GMT -5
Well, I thought I was done dealing with my oldest outgrowing clothes, but OMG. He has put on so much weight since he started school. He's up to 285 pounds now (about 50 pound increase in the past year). He has one pair of jeans he said fit and when I washed them I noticed they were completely worn though in the thighs. He said they've been like that for a couple weeks! I'm like "dude, you wait until Easter sunday when all the stores are closed and we're headed out to dinner to tell me this?" Luckily we found a pair of cargo pants that sort of fit in the closet. They're too short, but fit in the waist at least. All his XL shirts are way too small...but he wears them anyhow. I told him he needs to go up to a 2XL and he about died at the prospect, but I think he really needs even bigger than that.
So...now I'm on Amazon trying to get him a couple items at least. I'm really worried about his health, and don't know how to help him. He eats CONSTANTLY. The first thing he did when he came home was check the fridge, both freezers and the pantry. He is literally going to eat us out of house and home over the summer.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Apr 18, 2022 13:19:52 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady is your son depressed? That's a very large weight gain over the course of a year and it sounds as if he is not taking care of himself. Would he be willing to talk to someone about how he is feeling?
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 18, 2022 15:31:48 GMT -5
He was seeing someone freshman year and got put on Zoloft. He quit taking it around Christmas this year because he said he was fine and that the meds were making him gain weight. I'm thinking the excessive eating and sitting in front of a computer all day and not getting any exercise probably has more to do with it. He also doesn't want haircuts and doesn't shave anymore trying to grow a beard. I don't think he's capable of growing a beard. It's all patchy and thin. Appearance-wise he LOOKS like a depressed person that doesn't care anymore, but talking to him he seems to be in a pretty good place. I talked to him quite a bit on the drive about school and if he was happy there and with his chosen major because i was afraid maybe he'd decided it wasn't for him and thought he'd let everyone down, but he said he really feels that's where he belongs and he enjoys college (even though his grades aren't the best).
I don't know. He was pretty upset when he stepped on the scale at his dad's house on Easter and brought it up to me a few times, but I don't think he has the motivation to actually do anything about it. I'm hoping when he's home this summer I can get him out more. He wants to get a summer job where I work and at the very least he can't eat while working the production floor and they don't have long breaks. I could stand to lose quite a bit too, and he happily comes with if Carrot and I go on walks. Maybe I need to up the game to hiking the hills around here instead? We have a lookout in town that is a 540 foot climb in just a mile. It damn near kills me. But man, do that everyday...that's a lot of calories.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Apr 19, 2022 7:39:31 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady, I'm glad that he seems to be in a decent place, emotionally. That is more important than appearances but I understand being concerned about his health. Closing in on 300 lbs when only 20 years old isn't good.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 19, 2022 8:16:40 GMT -5
No, it's not. I know in 2020 he was 215 pounds. Until it was cancelled last minute he was going on a high adventure 100 mile hike in the mountains with the scouts and there was a 220 pound weight limit for his height (6'1"), so he's increased a LOT since then. He's always just been big. Thick arms, tree trunk legs, but now he's adding a gut to it. He's gone from 36 waist to I just ordered him a pair of 42's in two years.
He just doesn't have all the outdoor stuff he did when he was in high school. He had scouts every week and camped at least once a month where they did all kinds of hard work service projects. Now he sits in his room day after day on his computer and only walks to go to the 1000 restaurants all around him. He didn't eat out much when he was at home either, now he does all the time. His dad actually took his bike up there a couple weeks ago and made him go on a bike ride with him. Not that one bike ride helps much. DS said it was so nice to get out and they had fun, but he asked his dad to take the bike back home with him because he didn't think he'd use it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 19, 2022 9:16:47 GMT -5
I'm finally rescheduling dd pool bday party from Nov. We've switched pools/rec centers from original plan and I'm having trouble not over thinking.
New pool has party for 2 hours total including swim and party room time. This seems awfully short. If we ate first that would probably be fine - theyd scarf pizza and cake and race to the pool in 20-30 minutes and get in at least 90 minutes of swimming. But its weird to eat right before swimming - or is that an old wives tale?
If we eat after pool time, we need time for kids to dry off and possibly change, so we'd need at least another 30 minutes. But logistically that all sounds complicated. Dd has never used a public changing room by herself so I'm guessing several other kids will be in the same boat. Easier to have parents picking up kids from pool and they can help them get changed if needed.
Should I just have them eat first and hope no one yaks? It's not like their going to be Michael Phelps.
Is it weird that 9yo dd still gets help after swimming? A lot of its for her hair, and keeping her moving to the next task. And reminding her everyone feels a little weird changing in communal changing rooms. I went to the pool by myself (with friends, no adults) at her age so it does seem like I'm helicopter-ing. I could fully brush and wash through my own hair at that age and dd still needs help too - (and I feel like there are good reasons for that difference, but it's hard to differentiate excuses from reasons).
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 19, 2022 9:28:05 GMT -5
For a pool party, I wouldn't worry at all about eating before swimming. For 90 minutes of lap swimming I'd be more cautious, although Carrot usually did have something to eat between school and swim team just because it had been 7 hours since he had anything to eat and was starving. I went to a lot of swim meets where the kids were hitting up the concession stands then running out to get in line for their event and have yet to see a cramped up kid being rescued by the lifeguard.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 19, 2022 10:21:49 GMT -5
MLP- Do you think that it isn't just computing in his head how much he eats vs how much he uses. With this life style changed eating the same amount as when he was active would cause him to gain. (I know you know this, I am just wondering if it isn't making the connection in his head and his eating habits has either stayed the same, or increased a bit with the fact it is easy to snack on a bag of chips playing a game, not so much while hiking)
I would eat first with the pool party. Have the parents send the kids either in their bathing suites, or bathing suites under the clothes. I don't think it is odd for a 9 yearold to still need help, I also don't think it is odd for a 9 yearold not to need help. It just depends on the kid.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 19, 2022 10:44:18 GMT -5
Thank you. We're booked and I'll set up food first. It will certainly help me not over buy on pizza. The last 2 years have been tough weight wise for a lot of people. It breaks my heart but dd has asked me if she can lose weight and we've realized a lot of the other issues she's having are stemming from self esteem issues. She was always in the high 90's percentile wise from birth, but covid quarantine cut down on our activity and upped our snacking. She's young, and I'm absolutely opposed to kids who are growing trying to lose weight. We are trying to make physical activity goals and I'm not buying cereal or crackers - things we tend to devour. Not that any of that rambling has anything to do with your son mpl. Just that man the last couple years sucked.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 21, 2022 17:45:57 GMT -5
What do ya'll think about Hatchet for a 9 year old who likes adventure books? Too much? I think ds was 10 when we read it, but thats just when we picked it up. It's a bday gift for one of dd friends.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 21, 2022 18:09:52 GMT -5
What do ya'll think about Hatchet for a 9 year old who likes adventure books? Too much? I think ds was 10 when we read it, but thats just when we picked it up. It's a bday gift for one of dd friends. I haven't read it, but Carrot owns it and it was required reading in his 5th grade class last year.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 21, 2022 19:42:03 GMT -5
DD13 said it was their 5th grade book and might be okay for 9 but trickier as a bday present instead of for your own kid, so I'd find something else just in case.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 22, 2022 9:05:26 GMT -5
Thank you both! I had talked myself out of it, but we got to school at the same time and dd started asking him about books. Sounds like he's a definite reader so even if his folks want to wait a bit I think its one he'll like it.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Apr 22, 2022 13:53:25 GMT -5
Random kid question that might sound weird. When did you let your kids have money? 😂
My kids (6 and 8 this year) have money from the tooth fairy, coins they find, etc. But I take the money they get for Christmas, birthdays, etc. and put it in a savings account. If it is $20+, I'm putting it in the bank.
Should I be letting them keep it? (I could even let them keep it and put a matching amount into their savings). We buy them whatever they need and most of what they want, so I don't want them spending it on more crap!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 22, 2022 14:11:26 GMT -5
Random kid question that might sound weird. When did you let your kids have money? 😂 My kids (6 and 8 this year) have money from the tooth fairy, coins they find, etc. But I take the money they get for Christmas, birthdays, etc. and put it in a savings account. If it is $20+, I'm putting it in the bank. Should I be letting them keep it? (I could even let them keep it and put a matching amount into their savings). We buy them whatever they need and most of what they want, so I don't want them spending it on more crap! I think we started allowances at 9 and 6. I like being able to tell them to use their own money. We also have them saving 10% toward college and 10% toward a car. It's not much, but as ds is earning money from other sources it starts to add up.
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Poptart
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Post by Poptart on Apr 22, 2022 17:39:28 GMT -5
Ladies I don't know what to do with my nephew.
We had planned to adopt him, however his behavior is so out of control that we did not think we could handle that commitment. He currently has five, yep, five criminal cases against him, he is 13. We asked DCFS to find another placement for him but there was no one willing or able to take him.
A few nights ago he asked me to go outside with him at 12:15am so that he could skateboard because he was having a panic attack, guys it was a ruse. I was getting my coat and by the time I caught up to him he was down the block, he stayed out all night. The next day a read his Instagram and he was at a party with other kids from his school they were drinking and smoking weed. He is going to be arrested next week and will be sent to juvenile hall for something he did a few months ago. We are in LA with our current DA it seems like they will book and release him the same day. We don't want to bring him back home. We can't handle him, he does what he wants when he wants, last weekend he left home at 2 pm on Saturday and came back on Sunday after five.
We have asked DCFS for help, he has therapy and medication, he has our love and support but instead of things getting better they are getting worse. We are missing at least two days of work a week in order to deal with all his stuff, we are either having to go to court or having to pick him up from school or the last time we had to leave work because he was arrested on campus.
I'm tired. I don't want to be responsible for this child any more, but I love him and I feel guilty and I know there's no where else for him to go, the options are going to be juvie or a group home. At the same time my health has taken a turn, I've felt like I'm having a heart attack more than once, I've lost weight, my heart beats a million times a minute, I don't even want to have sex, if not for the fact that I have to work I'd probably just stay in bed.
I feel like a terrible person but I don't know what else I can do to help this boy.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 22, 2022 18:24:55 GMT -5
What types of group homes? We have Boys Town and Children's Square here. BT has a really good reputation.
Not ideal but if you've reached the end you reached the end. You have a right to self preservation. Nobody is winning in the current situation. If a group home is capable of protecting him from himself then that is the safest option
Do you have a counselor for yourself? Does DHS do anything for guardians? I think you and your husband are also going to need a lot of support.
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Poptart
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Post by Poptart on Apr 22, 2022 20:21:51 GMT -5
What types of group homes? We have Boys Town and Children's Square here. BT has a really good reputation. Not ideal but if you've reached the end you reached the end. You have a right to self preservation. Nobody is winning in the current situation. If a group home is capable of protecting him from himself then that is the safest option Do you have a counselor for yourself? Does DHS do anything for guardians? I think you and your husband are also going to need a lot of support. The way his case worker has described them makes them sound unsavory, but I often feel like both she and her supervisor use those kinds of scare tactics because they know he's better off with us than he is a group home setting, they feel like if they send him to a group home he will become a chronic run away, they also told us that if we give him up the chances of us asking for his return to our home would be slim. I don't have a therapist and DCFS has not offered any support in that respect.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 22, 2022 20:42:18 GMT -5
I don't know what I'd do poptart. So he is going to juvie, but they think he'll be released same day I guess on probation? How does that work as far as requirements while released? I'm not sure juvie is a great place to turn things around but it would give you a little breathing room so you're not trying to make decisions stressed and exhausted.
I'd say a respite at a group home would do the same thing, but if you'll lose his kinship foster by doing that it's an impossible decision.
Can you ask the county about a therapist/social worker that could talk with you/whole family? You're not the first in this boat. He's in therapy? Can you ask his therapist what families do in these situations.
Is he violent? If he isn't, can you look at alternative schools that might work better with where he's at.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Poptart
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Post by Poptart on Apr 22, 2022 20:58:13 GMT -5
raeoflyte, he was arrested a few months ago for robbery and assault, he was released on an ankle monitor but by the next court date that was removed, he was in juvie for three days. I don't think juvie is the best option and the though of him being there kills me but this kid is wild. If he leaves the house he's fighting, he'll fight anyone for any reason and although he's not violent with me or anyone in the house I feel like it's only a matter of time, especially if there's drugs and alcohol involved. We have all had the come to Jesus talk with him, the DCFS supervisor spoke to him and told him to do whatever he could to stay with us because group homes suck, a day later he got into a vicious fight after school that almost got him suspended. His therapist told us that everyone around him is working harder than he is and that if he leaves our home she'll stop seeing him as a client because she feels nothing anyone does will help until he's ready to change. The other thing is that his attorney believes he might have fetal alcohol syndrome and that may be why he struggles with impulse control. The whole thing is a nightmare.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Apr 22, 2022 21:38:31 GMT -5
Poptart - Really sorry you're going through this. I've never dealt with anything like it personally and have no advice, but know two people that have and in both cases they were kids of mothers that had drug/alcohol problems, my aunt who adopted and my cohort at work who acquired a stepson from hell when she married. The system did not seem to be much help and I would hear the stories of everything they went through for years. My coworker got to where she was glad when they'd lock him up, but it was never for long and never helped. They tried sending him away to bootcamp like places but they were useless too. eta: Didn't mean to make it sound like there's no hope, but it's a tough row to hoe when they are at that point at 13 already. I just don't want you to feel like you've failed in any way.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Apr 22, 2022 23:39:51 GMT -5
No advice ely, but sending hugs your way. It sounds like you’re in an impossible situation, so as someone else noted, self-preservation for yourself is absolutely okay and not something you should beat yourself up over.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Apr 22, 2022 23:55:47 GMT -5
Poptart Are you legally responsible for him? Or is it more of an informal arrangement? What would happen if you say you can't take him back? Do you have other children of your own to be concerned about? I agree, it sounds like you've done everything right. I think you need to prioritize your own needs first. I'm sorry you have been put in this situation.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 23, 2022 6:43:52 GMT -5
Random kid question that might sound weird. When did you let your kids have money? 😂 My kids (6 and 8 this year) have money from the tooth fairy, coins they find, etc. But I take the money they get for Christmas, birthdays, etc. and put it in a savings account. If it is $20+, I'm putting it in the bank. Should I be letting them keep it? (I could even let them keep it and put a matching amount into their savings). We buy them whatever they need and most of what they want, so I don't want them spending it on more crap! I honestly can't remember, 4 or 5. It wasn't much and at that time I would hold on to it, they knew where it was. But on vacations or special trips out they would have it to shop with. On vacations I might provide the money, but I would give them cash and help them in the stores to figure out what they could get. What they didn't spend they kept. Once YDD was about 8 and ODD was 13, they got one of those kid cards that you can put money on, their dad gives them an allowance on it. Both girls are savers, specially ODD. I actually encourage them to spend their own money on some of their wants. For example when YDD got the guinea pigs, I brought all the needed stuff but she had to spend her money on treats, cage decorations that kind of stuff. YDD will at times do things like upsize her cup when we go to sweet frogs, I only will get them the small but she can upsize to the medium with her own money. So over all my thoughts is once they have a basic number sense ( understanding having an amount and subtraction makes it goes down, adding makes it goes up) having money to decide what to do with it is a good thing. 3rd grade here is also when they start learning about economics, and the whole concept of opportunity cost as well.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 23, 2022 7:16:32 GMT -5
Poptart- sounds like some of the kiddos on my case load that I work with. I can give lots of hugs, and says it sucks. The rest of my thoughts are going to be random and may or may not be what you want to hear, and only from my perspective.
Group homes/alternative schools- It depends on the group home and what the kid wants out of it. Some are just bad, there goal are to be able to keep the kid long enough for them to age out, get the paycheck from the state/schools and really are just the path way to jail. Others are not, even the ones that are good however are only going to help if kid wants it too. If a kid isn't making progress in the good ones, they will normally remove the kid for a lack of progress and this continues until the kid gets to one that just housing until they turn 18. Honestly look at graduation rates and teacher/staff turn over if you go the group home way. This can at least help judge what type of group home it is, and where the focus really is.
Is he in anything like boxing/martial arts ect.... It may seem at first counterproductive in the fact that you want him to stop the violence and fighting, but finding a acceptable outlet may be more successful. There is an adrenaline rush and enjoyment that can come from fighting. And if the kiddos brain has been wired to enjoy that, and get positive rewards from it then redirection may help. I have a punching bag in my room, and one kiddo that makes very good use of it. He will say he wishes it is so and so face, but he isn't going after so and so anymore.
I would question the whole not being able to get custody again if you want it. Specially if you stay in contact and continue to support him in the group home.
she feels nothing anyone does will help until he's ready to change- I fully agree with this. Try and not get into power struggles, most of the time I just lay out the options for my kiddos and the most likely results of each option. But then I don't live with them. You do this you will get suspended your choice, you do this you will fail, or we can do this and you won't. I have told multiple kids- "You are shooting yourself in the foot with this action, I am not going to stop you. I will help you bandage it if you want afterwards, but the choice is yours. As much as I would like to say every kid is able to turn things around, it is the minority that seems too.
And my final thought is this, you can do more harm with trying to do more than you are able to both honestly to the kid and yourself then knowing your limits. And over all it takes years and so many 2 steps forward 1 step back, 2 steps back 3 steps forward, 1 step forward, 1 step back, 2 steps forward, 1 step back ect...
Okay 1 more thought, what ever you decided find a support group for yourself as well.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Apr 23, 2022 11:50:14 GMT -5
I'm going to add to all this and it's not going to be popular. For background, I was a foster parent for over 20 years. I adopted some of my foster kids. Some are doing OK, one is crashing, some are doing amazing. Early years damage is very profound. It doesn't have to be FAS, just bad early environment is enough. No matter what child services tells you, you do not have to take him home. Everyone will tell you that you have to and will threaten you. If you cannot house him, tell them and stand on that. They will find a place for him. It won't be great or ideal, but it's a roof over his head. He may or may not appreciate being able to come home at some point. He may run away and become homeless. It's devastating to watch and be involved in but you have to put your oxygen mask on first. Society/friends/your community will judge you. Offer to let them take him in for a few weeks or a month to give you respite. They will stop immediately or step up.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 23, 2022 14:42:23 GMT -5
Sensory processing disorder may also be something you might want to look into for the aggression and fighting as well. It is not always not being able to wear certain fabrics/things being too loud/ over visual stimulation or other more known/acceptable forms. I worked with a kid awhile back in an out of school setting that had it, and anger issues. He was one that I would spar with, sword fight with sticks with, things like that just to burn the aggression off. I had more time with bruises then without at the start, because although he was a teen he he really had no idea how hard he actually was sparing. It was actually seeing the bruises that convinced him needed to learn control. He ended up doing boxing lessons which helped with body control too. He is well into his 20s now, and will catch up with me once in awhile. He is success story and did learn control.
I have also been stabbed with a fork, I have a scare on my arm from a knife cut, I knew a behavioral specialist who had their knee shattered by a kid at the alternative school I worked at for a bit. There were other injuries too I just can't remember the details. And all of those examples were in controlled environments, not a home environment.
I am not saying this into scaring anyone, but also there is a risk when trying to help and support these kids. It is unfair that life has given them this path to start, it sucks, but there is a risk walking it with them and trying to show them a different way, an no one should feel be guilt into it or feel bad about not taking that risk. I have also talked about how my oldest and her anxiety can cause reactions in me, that it takes all my training to just not gut react. One of the reasons I stopped working in the alternative school was because my daughters needed me more at home, and in a certain emotional state and I couldn't just keep pouring it into the kids there and have it for them at home.
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